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Childhood + Complex Trauma

I'm very closed off when it comes to my experience with childhood trauma; only a handful of people know what has happened in my life. For this post, I won't go into detail about what has happened specifically over the course of my life, but rather how it has impacted me as an adult. I will say, my trauma relates to substance abuse and instability, though not in the way one may assume.

A psychiatrist not too long ago told me I seemed detached from my past, and he's not wrong. As I've gotten older, I have taken inventory of all the emotional, social, and mental changes my childhood has caused. In essence, I don't know how to cope or communicate my emotions effectively; I've adapted in perhaps not the best of ways.

These drawbacks, however, have given me inspiration. I know it's not just me that has gone through trauma that has shaped the personality, and that has encouraged me to educate a more neurotypical community and advocate for those like me.

According to The National Child Traumatic Stress Network, complex trauma, "describes both children’s exposure to multiple traumatic events—often of an invasive, interpersonal nature—and the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive." In general, it may seem obvious that persistent trauma would impact children in several ways, but it is incredible just how many areas trauma can reach into. I have outlined these in the infographic to the left.

But what happens when these children grow up? We turn into adults with a history, one that may constantly worm its way into our present. The areas impacted by trauma that I mentioned don't just affect the child in the face of trauma, but the adult they become in the wake of it.

Harvard psychiatry professor, Dr. Kerry Ressler, says "Early childhood trauma is a risk factor for almost everything, from adult depression to PTSD and most psychiatric disorders, as well as a host of medical problems, including cardiovascular problems such as heart attack and stroke, cancer, and obesity."

From my own experience, all of this makes sense. When you are faced with a trauma, you jump into survival mode — even if you aren't in any true danger. When this is a persistent feature in one's life, it seems fair to assume this may carry on across the life span. To me, treatment needs to focus on healing the traumatized child still within us. Only then can we proceed with learning to function as an adult.

Intimate Partner Abuse

I see a therapist every other week. I adore this class because I absolutely devour anything and everything that has to do with crime and mental health. I have the kind of anxiety that is incredibly beneficial in preparing for a break-in, a house fire, and the seediest parking garage you’ll ever be forced to navigate. I’ve been on my own for almost half my life and like to think I know some things. Here’s the thing, though – none of that prepares you for abuse you don’t know is happening.

Years ago, I got into and then out of a relationship that I considered to be one of the less enjoyable I’ve had. The way I had acted and treated myself during that time stuck with me, and I felt incredibly weak and ashamed. I was so angry, and I couldn’t stop being angry.

It was only during a series of guest speakers a few weeks ago that I realized I had missed plenty of signs, and that I had been in an abusive relationship. I was blaming myself for someone else’s actions, because I “should have known better.” Because I was smarter than that. But it’s not about intelligence – it can happen to anyone.

Here are some things I wish I knew, some things I knew but thought didn’t apply to me, and what self-care is and is not.

A disclaimer: This is colloquial, and I use humor as a coping mechanism. It doesn’t mean that I don’t understand how serious this topic is; it’s just my way of telling my story.

Things I Wish I Knew

• Your friends should like your significant other.

Sounds obvious, right? Well, what if you haven’t always had great friends? Or they just don’t know him like you do? Or they did like him, but now they don’t?

Yeah… they should still like him. My friends didn’t, not after a while. I cared because it was inconvenient, but it didn’t affect me day to day. Those social circles mixed seldom. Later, my friends told me they used to invite me to things last minute so that he couldn’t “weasel his way into coming.” Direct quote.

But they did like him originally, so what happened? Well, they picked up on a red flag that I buried in the sand, pun intended (you’ll see). Long story short, he emailed one of my friends and asked her to help him set up a proposal on the beach (see?!). When I said “yes” – not if, when – he would have all our friends and family and a justice of the peace emerge from the trees and say something along the lines of “Great! We can do it right now!” He wanted to surprise marry me, not propose. My friends told me it sounded like he was trying to “trap me.” I chocked it up to him being overly caffeinated and overzealous.

• If you can’t seem to see your boyfriend’s side of the argument but still manage to cry at literally every new episode of Queer Eye, you aren’t a cold person.

This was his main argument when I couldn’t find my way to seeing his side of things. It wasn’t that he was wrong, or I was standing up for myself, or had lost patience with him. It was that I was cold and didn’t care about his feelings. I just didn’t feel things like I should, I block them out, and that’s why I wasn’t understanding him. Mind you, I have almost dehydrated myself watching Queer Eye, so it isn’t a lack of feeling. It was probably a moment of clarity, but I listened to him instead of myself. I thought that I was a cold, uncompromising girlfriend, and I needed to try harder. For him. For us.

Things I Knew but I Thought Didn’t Apply to Me

• Your significant other should support your dreams, not try to talk you out of them… or into theirs.

There are a few things I was always upfront about when starting a new relationship: I’m not sure I want to get married, I don’t want kids, and I will not stay in New England. He was agreeable to those terms at first, but as you already read, he had other plans. He just needed to convince me and then it would all fall into place.

He hated my job. He hated that it would take me away from New England eventually and that I wanted to go, so he would say things like “What am I going to do if we move?” or “My family is here – we can’t leave my family.” He would tell me I should pursue other fields or stay here until he gets a degree. He didn’t have one and it would have taken years, but I could work on my masters in the meantime. Just put the job off for a little while.

Towards the end, he kept bringing up children. I had never budged on this. I did not want kids, and to be honest, the thought of raising children with him was terrifying. But he kept pushing, saying that I would be a good mother, and that he owed it to his family to have children, and he couldn’t imagine it with anyone else. He would get angry and pick a fight when I wouldn’t engage, so I would list names I liked occasionally to stave off the aggravation. And that’s how I thought of him at that point – an aggravation. And I still didn’t leave.

• Manipulation is abuse.
• Nostalgia isn’t good enough to keep going.
• It takes more than one attempt to leave.

I never had any bruises and he never threatened to hurt me or himself. I had my own apartment, friends and family that did not like him, and financial independence. And I didn’t leave.

We had some good times when we started dating, but it took a turn after about six months. We were apart and he was insecure, and I was starting to realize how much better I felt alone. But I stayed because of those first few months. I would get angry and we would fight, but then I would remember that I was just being cold. I hadn’t always been cold, so maybe we could get back to that. I just had to try harder to see his side.

I broke up with him twice, but I let him come back for about a month each time. I finally broke up with him for good and we haven’t spoken since, but I have struggled with the amount of time I wasted after that initial break-up. I gave him more of me even when I knew there was something off. I gave up time and happiness that I will never get back.

Self-Care is Not

• Calling out of work to go to the beach alone and then lying about your day.
• Working upwards of 60 hours a week “for the overtime.”
• Considering cheating because it will be easier than breaking up.

Self-care is leaving and healing, and maybe writing about the experience for a class about mental health, who knows…

I have never worked harder than I did during this time in my life. I worked every weekend that summer, and when I finally needed some time off, I kept it a secret.

When I took a trip for work, I almost met an old boyfriend for drinks. I didn’t, but my friends told me they wish I had. They were actively rooting for it.

--------------------------------

In the spirit of fairness, and quite frankly because this is public, I feel the need to say that I don’t believe my ex is a bad or malicious person. He is an insecure person, with a plethora of life experiences that have amplified that trait. I think we did care about one another at one time, but as it started to deteriorate, he grasped at anything that would keep us together. I hope we both look back on it and realize what it was.

So yes, there are cases far worse than mine. There are people who stay longer, suffer physical trauma to mirror the emotional, who never leave. But abuse doesn't have a threshold. I was manipulated, coerced, and shamed. I blamed myself – a part of me still does. It set me back. But it counts, and I count, and hopefully by sharing this example, another person will realize sooner than I did.

The Effects of Covid-19 on Sexual Assault Survivors

Amidst the ongoing pandemic, the necessary quarantining that global citizens are partaking in has taken a drastic toll on many people’s lives. Whether it be the people hunkering down in shoe box apartments in New York City, or single mothers balancing work, household responsibilities, and now homeschooling, or even the millennials woefully returning to their parents’ homes to live in their childhood bedrooms, it is safe to say that people everywhere can relate to the hardships that Covid-19 has so eagerly presented. That being said, in these moments of hardship it is imperative to pay attention to the citizens who are facing the most turmoil during these difficult, unprecedented times. My sister living in Hell’s Kitchen, Manhattan, might be cohabitating with two other humans in an apartment that would be much better suited for one (preferably small) human, but she expresses daily her sympathy and profound respect for those who are balancing the chaos of the current state of the world and parenting. Likewise, it might not have been my dream as a 23 year old to be living in the room that I experienced adolescence, puberty, and a rather unfortunate Justin Bieber phase in, but I wake up every day in a safe place knowing that there are two people in the other room who I can trust, and who I know will  provide me respect, space, and as much spaghetti as my heart desires. Not everyone is as fortunate. Currently there are hundreds of thousands of sexual assault survivors out there who are not able to have the privilege of feeling safe, either in their own homes or even in their own bodies.

The process of healing from trauma is already taxing due to the psychological, physical, and societal effects sexual assault has on a survivor. Now given the current climate it is extremely likely that these conditions will intensify said effects. Not only do the current conditions impede upon a survivor’s healing process, but these conditions can also increase the likelihood of future assaults. Despite this, public discourse surrounding this issue has been lacking, even with it currently being sexual assault awareness month. In order to address this, it is essential that as a society we look at the ways in which survivors are potentially being impacted during this time. Medical systems are currently over-run, making it difficult to access the intensive care that might be necessary. Reynolds (2020) states, “in March of last year, forensic nurse examiners in Washington, D.C., had encounters with 42 patients seeking treatment for sexual assault. As the novel coronavirus spread during the same month this year, they saw 24 patients, a 43% decrease from 2019”. Although the decrease could be associated with the overall decrease in crime, it is important to look at the fact that domestic abuse rates have increased, and sexual assault can be very much a part of domestic abuse. In addition to medical services, therapeutic services, whether it be talk therapy or trauma informed embodied approaches, are more difficult than ever to access and for survivors pursuing legal aid, assistance from law enforcement has the potential to be diluted due to severity of current Covid-19 related conditions (Me Too Movement, 2020). Sexual assault previously had the lowest reporting rate of all violent crimes (Bartol & Bartol, 2017, p. 378), so it is devastating to consider the impact the current climate might have on the rates of reporting.

The lack of necessary resources can be extremely dangerous for survivors, especially when combined with the fact that many survivors are being forced to quarantine in unhealthy households, which can play a negative role on survivors’ mental health. Toxic households have the potential to trigger negative effects of sexual assault on survivors. Additionally, dangerous living conditions can increase the chances of future assault and revictimization. Similarly, survivors in toxic workplaces, or in low wage jobs, are at an increased risk for heightened post-trauma symptoms and revictimization as well. Despite all of these troubling realizations, there was no explicit funding for sexual assault survivor programs and advocates (Me Too Movement, 2020). As a society we must spread awareness about the realities of what sexual assault survivors are facing daily. Organizations such as the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) and the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) offer resources and confidential hotlines to survivors. We are all capable of helping this cause through small steps such as, sharing links to these organizations and staying informed about the effects of Covid-19 on sexual assault and domestic violence survivors. We have to keep the conversation going.  

Citations:

Bartol, C. and Bartol, A.  (2017). Criminal behavior: A psychological approach (Eleventh Edition) Upper Boston: Pearson.

 #MeTooVoter response to COVID-19 for Sexual Assault Survivors. (2020). Retrieved April 26, 2020, from https://metoomvmt.org/advocacy/metoovoter-response-to-covid-19-for-sexual-assault-survivors/

Reynolds, M. (2020, April 23). How the COVID-19 Pandemic Creates Obstacles for Sexual Assault Survivors. ABA Journal. Retrieved from https://www.abajournal.com/web/article/how-the-pandemic-creates-obstacles-for-sexual-assault-survivors

Examining Solitary Confinement in the United States

Earlier this semester, I completed a documentary review on Solitary Nation, an episode of Frontline which documented the experiences of inmates in solitary confinement in Maine State Prison. The episode, which was the seventh episode of the 32nd season of Frontline, first aired on April 22, 2014 and was directed by Daniel Edge. Ultimately, this documentary uses gruesome images and emotional case studies to show the need to drastically reform solitary confinement in the United States. It also documents the journey of the new prison warden, Rodney, in his mission to reduce the use of solitary confinement and implement other strategies to deal with violent inmates. I thought the film was incredibly well-done; however, it was limited in the fact that it only focused on a few inmates in one prison. After watching, I was prompted to read some broader, more recent research on solitary confinement in the United States today.

Conditions differ depending on the state and prison, but in general, solitary confinement means that the inmates are confined behind a steel door 22-24 hours a day with extremely limited human contact. There are an estimated 80,000-100,000 people in solitary confinement in the United States (Edge, 2014). Common factors of living in isolation include: limited access to rehabilitation or educational programs, limited mental health and medical treatment, and, in some cases, forms of torture such as permanent bright lighting, extreme temperatures, or stun grenades (“Solitary Confinement Facts”). 

In terms of reform, there have been recent efforts to limit the amount of solitary confinement allowed. In 2017, some bills were introduced in Massachusetts, including one that restricted the use of solitary to 180 days a year rather than a decade (Zoukis, 2018). Additionally, in 2018, The American Bar Association passed a resolution for state officials to limit its use as a “last resort” and “for no longer than is necessary.. Typically not to exceed 15 consecutive days” (Zoukis, 2018). There have also been efforts to restrict the use of solitary on juveniles and the mentally ill, including the Solitary Confinement Reform Act introduced in 2018 (115th Congress, 2018).

The Texas Department of Criminal Justice eliminated the use of solitary confinement as a form of discipline, effective in 2017. However, this only affected 76 prisoners; the other 4,000 prisoners in isolation were reportedly there for the protection of themselves and others (Zoukis, 2018). The case in Texas is similar to an issue faced by Rodney, the prison warden, in the documentary. While he is trying to reduce the use of solitary in his prison, to do so ultimately means putting other prisoners and staff at risk. In one scene, Rodney is at a meeting with other prison staff and trying to pick an inmate to pull out of the isolation unit. The other staff members, particularly the ones who have to directly deal with these inmates, express their concern and fear of getting hurt, as some of them have been in the past. The documentary also states at the end that one inmate who they released from solitary ended up murdering another inmate after being back in the general population. 

These scenes in the documentary demonstrate that while solitary confinement is certainly in need of reform, the actual process of pulling people out who have been in there for years can be very dangerous. Thus, in terms of reducing solitary, reformers face a dilemma in which they must decide between trying to help people who have been isolated for years or ensuring the safety of prison staff and other inmates. Furthermore, while I had originally thought of solitary confinement as merely a form of punishment within prisons, doing this research helped me realize that in many cases, the inmates are just too dangerous (or in too much danger) to have around other people. This is why some prisons, lacking the proper resources for psychological treatment, turn to what seems to be the only option: isolation. 

Using solitary confinement for prisoners who are deemed dangerous is referred to as administrative segregation (Weir, 2012). In fact, prisons began using solitary as a means of protecting people in response to growing gang violence within prisons (Weir, 2012). However, segregation for safety purposes has never actually been proven to make prisons safer (Weir, 2012). Instead, it seems that placing people in solitary for years on end only makes it more difficult for them to return to the general population, because being there causes so much trauma. This is shown in the documentary I watched, which follows one inmate, Adam, as he enters solitary for the first time. In the beginning, Adam tells the director that he is confident he can handle solitary confinement, and even expects to enjoy the extra downtime. However, by the end of the documentary, Adam is regularly self-harming, starts riots in the unit, and is even shown pushing feces under his door and flooding his cell. Eventually, Adam is sent to the mental health unit in the prison.

While some progress has been made in recent years to reform solitary confinement in prisons, more still needs to be done to reduce its use, especially as a punishment. In my opinion, there must be more of a focus on mental health treatment for ‘problematic’ prisoners. Even in the documentary, prisoners who are sent to the mental health unit are shown to be in a much better place afterward. However, for many of them, they are only sent there for a few months after self-harming, only to return back to solitary immediately afterward. We need to start looking at long-term solutions that can help integrate these forgotten prisoners back into regular social interactions. 

Sources:

Edge, Daniel (Director). (April 22, 2014). Solitary Nation (Season 32, Episode 7) [TV Series Episode]. In D. Fanning (Executive Producer), Frontline. PBS.

115th Congress (April 19, 2018). “S.2724 - Solitary Confinement Reform Act.” Congress.Gov. Retrieved from: https://www.congress.gov/bill/115th-congress/senate-bill/2724/text?format=txt

“Solitary Confinement Facts.” American Friends Service Committee. AFSC.Org. Retrieved from: https://www.afsc.org/resource/solitary-confinement-facts

Weir, Kristen (May 2012). “Alone, in the hole.” American Psychological Association. Retrieved from: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/05/solitary

Zoukis, Christopher (October 8, 2018). “Solitary Confinement Reforms Sweeping the Nation But Still Not Enough.” Prison Legal News. Retrieved from: https://www.prisonlegalnews.org/news/2018/oct/8/solitary-confinement-reforms-sweeping-nation-still-not-enough/

Terrorism

I chose to write about terrorism because it hits close to home for me. In the summer of 2016, the summer before I went off to college, a dark wave hit my city: Dhaka, Bangladesh. I remember being in the car with my sister and my father on our way for our weekly Thursday night dinner outing. While we were stuck in traffic, I was texting with a friend who lived near the restaurant we were going to and she said she heard gunshots from her balcony. She then said that her father spoke to the guard in their building and he thought there might be a terrorist attack at a restaurant called Holey Artisan, which was the next street over from her house. Holey Artisan was a high-end restaurant/cafe frequented by mostly expatriate residents who lived in the area. Local kids who attended international schools also used to hang out there a lot. This area of the city, Gulshan, is widely a residential area but has many restaurants and so it doesn't have much security around. I relayed this information about the potential terrorist attack to my father and he suddenly became very quiet. He turned on the radio and looked up the news on his phone but at the time there were no reports about anything. We were almost approaching the restaurant when various traffic police started blocking the roads to Gulshan and turning cars away because there was an ongoing terrorist attack. We were anxiously waiting to get home while hearing the news about how 6 to 8 young men stormed the restaurant and held 33 people hostage, including chefs and working staff. Some of the hostages were people I knew personally, people my age whom I would even call my friends. The militants were part of ISIS and held these hostages for about 10 hours, through out the night. When the military finally stormed the restaurant strategically, 20 of these hostages had already been killed. From the reports that came out later, the hostages were made to recite verses from the Quran and were killed if they could not. Many women were killed because they were dressed in Western clothes like jeans and t-shirts instead of covering their head and wearing traditional clothing like "good Muslims do." In the end, 6 of the terrorists were gunned down and the rest were arrested. My city was trembling, and still is.

When reading about terrorism in class, it particularly interested me how young and well-educated people from good family backgrounds get roped into extremist groups such as ISIS. Bartol & Bartol outlined culturally motivated terrorists as those who are driven by fear of irreparable damage to their way of life or culture by an organization or foreign country. Religion generates the most passion in these types of groups and these groups are largely defined by a system of faith that remains vigilant for forces that may suppress their religious way of life. This is absolutely what ISIS is like. In this particular attack, the terrorists targeted those who didn't seem "Muslim enough" and saw them as threats who were brain washing others with Western ideals.

So why do they join? Bartol & Bartol explain that when one has next to nothing working out in life, they will still always have their religious, political, or philosophical faith. Young people who lack self esteem and a sense of self may be primary targets for joining terrorist groups. The text also talks about social learning theory and how those who are exposed to or live in places of political or religious strife, may directly witness terrorist behaviours and may learn from it. Bangladesh is a Muslim country and while we say we're secular, many of the political and religious leaders preach otherwise. So, exposure to Islam, and more importantly extremist Islam, is common and thus maybe social learning applies here.

The process of radicalization is so bewildering to me. How can someone be brain washed to such an extent without even realizing? Turns out, it's not that difficult. The boys who were recruited were socially isolated from friends and family for months. Many times it is our peers or even our family who can influence us into certain ways of thinking. In this case, I believe many of these boys were recruited by their peers in class and were gradually drawn into the group. As stated in Bartol & Bartol, individuals gradually adopt the beliefs of the extreme members in a psychological process called risky shift. Risky shift refers to the tendency of groups to develop beliefs and make decisions that are more extreme than they would have initially. The recruits become so deeply immersed in the ideology of the group that they don't even realize it. These recruits go through a training process that gives them a sense of eliteness and provides social rewards and thus entices these people to go through with it.

In sum, while it's been 4 years since this attack, I still think about it. It makes me uneasy to think that someone I go to school with could be so easily transformed into a terrorist. The research about why one joins these extremist groups fascinates me. It's similar to joining a cult and even that fascinates me. How can one be brain washed so intensely in so far as they put the groups ideologies above their family or friends?

Bartol, C.R., & Bartol, A.M. (2016). Criminal Behavior: A Psychological Approach (11th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson.

Trauma, Substance Abuse and Crime

For a time in my early twenties, I lived in a small city in Missouri. Having recently graduated, the move there was based on convenience rather than desire. I spent a varying amount of time walking around the downtown, where I would sit about and wonder fickle and errant about topics that were of little concern or interest to anyone but myself. One day after work I was walking downtown when a person experiencing homelessness came up to me and asked for money. I gave him more than his usual, so it seemed, because he insisted on shaking my hand and talking to me. He introduced himself as Chuck and told me that he was a Vietnam veteran. I introduced myself and we got to know one another. After our meeting, I’d see Chuck downtown. Usually in the summers. I’d stopped giving him money and instead took him out to lunch or dinner. We’d talk. I suspected he had a problem with alcohol, but we’d never talk about it. Over time I noticed the track marks. He told me that he’d never found what he could do in America after he came back from Vietnam. He told me about his failed marriage that broke up while he was away, told me about his parents. How he couldn’t sleep and the kind of people he’d be with. At the time I didn’t understand much of what he’d gone through, especially in relation to how powerful the substance abuse cycle invigorates itself by the power of traumatic experiences, in Chuck’s case the Vietnam War and his succeeding lack of support upon his return. It is a common experience for veterans in the U.S., but felt especially poignant during certain conversations with Chuck.

The accompanying sketch is meant to be a memory of Chuck. Mostly, a depiction of my misunderstanding of Chuck’s needs and what he was not getting, even as I sat with him and did what I thought was a good deed. The figure in the picture is not Chuck. I never took a picture of him. But the figure reminds me of him, sitting as he is as Chuck first sat when he asked me for some money. Seeking something we both knew not what and like birds on a wire commiserating in broad and sometimes unclear terms indicative of a steadfast and puerile misconception of attributable trauma.

The intersection of crime and trauma is a tragic misstep of circumstance, and realizing this quickly dismantles the frightening image of the hostile criminal who acts on some whim in service of evil deeds and vile acts. The substances we deem illicit are branded upon those who use them so that the act itself is demonized, so that the people themselves are dehumanized, in order to suit an order that seeks to rectify crime not with practices derived from study, empathy and rehabilitation but with the fundamental error of ignoring the human needs of people impacted by, in many ways, the tragic misstep of circumstance.

Blog Post – Child Trauma

A traumatic experience is a terrifying, perilous, or violent event that represents a risk to a child's life. Seeing a traumatic event that undermines the life or physical security of a friend or family member can likewise be traumatic. This is especially significant for small kids as their feeling of wellbeing relies upon the apparent security of their connection figures. 

Traumatic experiences can start strong emotions and aversive physical responses that can continue long after the event. Children may feel dread, defenselessness, or fear, just as physiological responses, for example, heart palpitations, vomiting, or loss of bowel control and incontinence. Children who experience a failure to shield themselves or who lacked safeguarding from others to be shielded from the outcomes of the traumatic experience may likewise feel overpowered by the physical and emotional reactions. 

Despite the fact that parents make a continuous effort to protect children, dangerous and traumatic events despite everything still can occur. This risk can emerge outside of the family, (for example, a cataclysmic event, car crash, school shooting, or even internet bullying) or from inside the family. (for example, abusive behavior at home, physical or sexual maltreatment, or the sudden passing of a friend or family member.)

In spite of the fact that people frequently make statements like, "He was so young when that occurred. He won't even remember it as he grows up," childhood trauma can have a deep-rooted impact in their life even long after the event is over. And keeping in mind that children are resilient, it does not mean they are made of stone. It's critical to perceive when your child may require proficient assistance with managing a trauma. Early intervention could prevent your child from encountering the continuous impacts of the trauma growing up and even in adulthood.

I myself have an interesting relationship with childhood trauma. Just over 20 years ago, my dad, manifested his passion for mountaineering chasing peaks, along with Marcus Tobía and part of the Proyecto Cumbre team (some of the biggest names and teams of mountaineering in Venezuela). My mom did the same from motherhood, with three small children and a fourth who was on the way (me).

So, pregnant with me, she received that first alarm signal. My dad was undergoing medical examinations, in preparation like every professional mountaineer does before an expedition. And just beginning the stress test the alarmed doctor asked him to stop: "You're going to die here! You have the highest blood pressure!" He said. Now I wasn’t born yet so I don’t know exactly what the doctor said but for the purpose of storytelling, I will tell it as my mother told it while I was growing up. 

After this encounter with the doctor, my father got a bunch of tests to figure out what was wrong but the answer was worst than he could imagine. He needed a new kidney. This is when my whole family was forced to climb a whole mountain with cero preparation and no warning (a metaphorical one obviously) He had just started his own company with every penny he had saved up since college, had three children and one on the way. It seemed like the worst possible time for him to get sick but life doesn’t really care about convenience does it?

Only months after his diagnosis and weeks after I was born we got a burst of luck, and we crowned the first peak: My dad’s uncle expresses his willingness to help by donating one of his kidneys, and the transplant is done, and it is a complete success. But this is just the start (but you knew that since this couldn’t be my traumatic experience if it was over when I was a month old).

The path to follow since then has not been easy, but he faces a backpack loaded with the most valuable for those who suffer from a disease like this. Hope. His uncle gave him hope. But my dad has to take immunosuppressants for life. And if for just three days he stops taking the medicine, it turns out that his body would begin to reject the new organ, and you immediately return to zero, or to the base as mountaineers call their point of departure. 

Now I can’t say I remember this but I do believe it shaped my relationship with my family for many years. The first 3 years after a transplant getting sick is a no-go. It is hard having school-age children that have school-age friends who are basically germ and snot producing machines. My mom had to make a choice and that meant my three siblings basically lived with our cousins those first three years, spending months at a time away from home. The worst part is that my dad was taking a cocktail of medications that are not only tough on your body but have serious side effects, one of which was irritability. Every time my siblings came home my dad would go into a screaming fit and get aggressively angry that they were being noisy and hyperactive. 

I was three the first time my dad screamed at me that I recall (though I suspect there were many others before this one since having a child who doesn’t even sleep through the night and cries all day must be incredibly tough without those pesky side effects.) I was being homeschooled at this point because preschool is worst than a school for germs and sickness, I was outside with my mom learning my ABCs and there was a dog being walked near us. 

My dad walked outside and screamed at me for not singing the song correctly and the dog got spooked, it jumped at me and bit my face, I had to get facial reconstruction surgery every year until I was 9 to make sure my face was not deformed. It made my dad so guilty he stopped interacting with me altogether. Wouldn’t come to school events, or kiss me goodnight, or even acknowledge I was home when I got home from school. My siblings had formed such a strong bond being in different houses all together they didn’t really acknowledge me either and so I started to feel lonely and sad. My mom loved me but she was so busy with my dad and keeping us alive that she didn’t have time to make me feel like I belonged in my own family. 

I started to become anxious and had a lot of self-doubt. Why didn’t my own family want me? What is so horribly wrong with me that my dad won’t even talk to me? I harmed my friendships, my grades until it got to a point where I just thought I was a burden. I didn’t want to be a part of my family anymore. One night my mom talked to me about going to boarding school and I completely broke down. “You care about me so little that you just want to ship me off and never see me again?” she was confused because she thought this was an opportunity for me to learn new languages and see new cultures like my cousins had done. She never thought id remember my dad’s transplant or that I would be so traumatized by events that transgressed when I was barely a toddler but thankfully she got me help. 

She took me to a psychologist who helped me understand my pain and to get through it. I owe everything I am today to having a mom who understood that I needed help. Some people are not so lucky. This is why it is so important to know the signs and get children the help they need, because thinking they won’t remember or that they won’t be affected for being so young is unfortunately not the case.