Embodiment and Breathwork as form of Therapy?

By Sarah Haas- April 16, 2022 CJ720

Although I certainly didn’t have a horrible childhood, as an adult, I can certainly look back and can say there were things of concern going on throughout my life. My parents were divorced and remarried and while there was undoubtedly love in the home there was also dysfunction. My mother was an alcoholic and Lord knows I love her (God rest her soul) the older she got, it seemed the meaner she got when she tied one on. She was intelligent, and a jack of all trades, there is literally nothing couldn’t fix, paint, decorate, refurbish etc… She went back to school in her 20’s and got her CNA but could never hold a job because of the alcoholism despite many of the Dr’s for whom she had worked, attempts to get her help because they believed in her and thought her work ethic (when not hungover) was impeccable. My stepfather, a man who liked to be in control of all things, ran the home with military structure, discipline (which I actually appreciate because it taught me to be structured and organized in my own life)  and was the bread winner  for our large blended family, he was very hard working in and out of the home. My father, a gentle man and gentle soul, has always been opinionated and hardworking but would never raise a hand to a woman, thus allowing himself to be walked all over by my mother and later in life, his (now ex) wife, my hateful stepmother, Kelly. Kelly was clinically diagnosed with Bipolar, which I did not learn until I was eighteen. I’ll spare the details and long-drawn-out story, but will just say this, when she was on her meds, she was one of the most generous, thoughtful and loving people in the world. When she was not on her meds, she had constant up and downs with manic and depression and I just remember always walking on eggshells not knowing what to expect each day; would she be in a good mood today, or would she be angry and hateful to one of us? It wasn’t until I was eighteen when my father kicked her out and filed for divorce that he confided in me that she was clinically diagnosed with bipolar and that he never told my brother or I out of respect for her; he tried to protect us from it as best as possible. I know now, that even though he tried his best, the constant need to walk on eggshells as a young girl has affected me into adulthood. I grew up a habitual nail biter, I also grew a tendency to be constantly nervous or anxious which bled into my 20’s and 30’s and affected many relationships both romantically and with friends/family. In 6^th grade, my stepmom convinced my dad that I should go to a counselor because I was depressed, always had an upset stomach and was anxious often. This was all fine and dandy and I was willing to participate until she started showing up to my meetings and was in the room with me the first few appointments. In what world or who’s rational mind would a child be honest with their therapist about what was going on inside her head when the very person that was was responsible for manipulating her to say all her problems were about their alcoholic mother was sitting right next to her inside the therapist’s office? Even when she stopped coming into my meetings, I feared being honest because I thought my therapist would tell her or my dad. Kelly was 100% the very reason for my anxiety and depression, but if I’m being honest and humble, my mom and stepdad were also at fault for my anxiety and depression. There was physical and verbal altercations taking place more and more as we aged in their home, and they often intentionally were spiteful to my father regarding custody of us because once again, it was a way my stepfather had control over him and also they enjoyed hurting my father. I wasn’t the only child in either home, in my mom’s home, there were 5 kids, in my dad’s 3, so at times, when things were calm/normal for me, I would witness as they not so calm/normal for others.

Fast forwarding through a very long story because you by now get the point of the type of dysfunction in the home, I developed habits that weren’t healthy or safe. I became the child that constantly said thank you or sorry to everyone, out of fear that I would piss off the people in my life I loved (I still do it today, I’m a work in progress). As a young woman, I constantly felt self-conscious and responsible when I could sense tension in someone. I also habitually chewed my nails and cuticles, so bad to the point that my fingers would often be red, swollen and bleeding; ouch talk about sore! I began sleeping around looking for comfort and attention in all the wrong places. And sadly, somewhere around 17, I began to take the path towards bulimia, although it didn’t become an everyday occurrence or serious problem until I was in my early 20’s, thank you Army (the breeding of eating disorders in the military is a whole other topic in and of itself so I digress). Bulimia ruled my life for many years, and so many people had no idea, although there were a few who tried to talk to me about it and I told them they were wrong. I would binge and purge up to three sometimes four times daily and even though I knew it was unhealthy, dangerous and disgusting, I-JUST-COULDN’T-STOP! That is, until I found an embodiment coach and breath work!

At 36, I have only just begun to get a real grasp of my struggles with bulimia or my anixety within the last fifteen months. I have spent the last six years of my life trying to apply self-love habits and techniques to my life because I knew I was worthy and deserved nothing more than to see myself the way that so many others do, but nothing had really stuck consistently until my friend Chrystal Rose began her business and practice of embodiment through a group program called Pendulum at “The Self Love for Breakfast Club.” Although I am a huge advocate of embodiment, I would be remiss if I didn’t say age and maturity has something to do with my healing as well, because had I been introduced to this in my early 20’s I probably would have scoffed at it and laughed thinking how juvenile or weird because only “hippies” or “pot heads” practice that foo foo stuff (note, not my current thoughts, just what I know 20 something year old me would have said). Though I started the practice of self-love about 5 years ago, it wasn’t until this last year that I realized the true impact of my childhood into adulthood in such a negative way and really dove in and invested in true healing and self-love. I have a past riddled with anxiety and depression, yet I also learned to be resilient at a very young age because life goes on and I wasn’t just going to curl up in a ball and let life pass me by as a teenager or as a young woman in the Army. I’m very driven, I’m a perfectionist and, I would consider myself highly resilient because I have and will always want to be successful. I would also say though, that determination to just push through and be resilient can be a double edged sword, in fact, it fueled the fire for anxiety and depression that much more (though I didn’t realize that until my 30’s).

What is embodiment? Embodiment is just another name for being mindful, meditating, feeling and being in tune with yourself, etc.… whatever you want to coin it. It’s merely learning the ability to connect with the sensations inside your body and be fully aware and present (Madeson, 2022). This practice is not easy to learn immediately when our whole lives, we have been taught to just push through to meet the demands of life. In reality, that’s the worst thing we could do,  because as we know from our textbook, the body keeps the score and the body is constantly telling us something if we just stop long enough to listen to or feel it. Embodiment is unique, it’s quirky, it’s philosophical and it’s about feeling and learning things deep within our bodies that sometimes make us uncomfortable to realize. When practiced, it is one of the greatest things you can learn to practice for healing and inner peace which will open up doorways you never thought possible regarding trauma, anxiety, depression and in my case,  an eating disorder. Embodiment, when practiced consistently and correctly, allows you to recognize the things (triggers) that elevate your energy and allow you regulate the emotions or responses to those triggers so YOU CAN HAVE BETTER CONTROL OF YOU RATHER THAN AN OUTSIDE FORCE. Now, by no means am I saying that people should discount psychological or psychiatric assistance altogether, I’m not a Dr. and this is something you should deeply research and consider before giving up therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist vs. an embodiment coach. What I am saying, is that embodiment is just another tool that you can learn and add to your “tool belt” of life to be self-sufficient and independent with; learning to be aware, and to connect with your body to regulate your energy and feelings, it allows you to find balance and self-acceptance, it is a form of somatic psychology (Madeson, 2022). EVERY-SINGLE-THING we go through or witness in life, even if we do not think it is a big deal at the time, sits with us and can impact our physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual selves (Madeson, 2022). The practice of embodiment often uses movement such as dance or yoga, and breath work is an extension of it that. Once again, it allows us to release energy that we are holding in that can affect us negatively or positively. There are three type of sensory feedback systems that embodiment taps into: exteroception, proprioception, and interoception. Exteroception is sensing external environment through our senses of smell, sight, taste and touch. A great example of this would be meditating and practicing mindfulness. Proprioception is “sensory feedback of the body in relation to gravity” and “happens when neurons bring sensory information to the joints of the body and inner ear to the brain” (Madeson, 2022). A great example of this is yoga or dance.  Interoception is our internal body sensory such as hunger thirst, pain or tension and provides “feedback about emotional experiences facilitated by sensory neurons that bring information to the muscles, organs and connective tissue to the brain” (Madeson, 2022).  An example of this is being mindful of how much you eat.

I have sporadically been incorporating yoga in my life for the last 10 years but have only really begun incorporating it in my life three times a week since finding and investing in embodiment a year ago. I can personally speak to the healing it’s brought me physically with my body and emotionally how it’s improved my life. I’m becoming more in tune and comfortable with my true self, and now, I can acknowledge that the bulimia and nail biting were major signs of anxiety in my life (so if you see me as an adult with chewed off, swollen, red nails and/or a swollen face from bulimia, you will know these are telltale signs and a result of my anxiety spiking). I’ve made so much progress, I can regulate my emotions and responses and the things that used to stress me out or make me feel anxious, no longer bother me and physically (minus my torn rotator) my body is in such a great place; I’ve lost fifteen pounds and have kept it off and my joint and muscles feel so much better and healthier. Although I’ve made tremendous progress, I have so much work to do. Admittedly, I have shied away from some things/topics/feelings because they are uncomfortable and things I’m not ready to address yet, but trust and believe, I do intend to continue to make embodiment and yoga a priority in my life (because after all, I am a work in progress). Although I would not say I had a traumatic childhood or life, I do have experiences that shaped me and were deeply rooted in me causing me to act out or conduct myself in unhealthy ways over the last 17 years. Despite the healing and the paramount change embodiment and breath work has brought to my life, I know I have more growth and healing to do. No matter how old we get, we will all (always) have ways in which we can grow and learn. And today, I hope that if you are someone (who took the time to read this long blog) struggling with a painful or traumatic past, that you have found this blog insightful and inspiring; and know that your life can be changed through mindful practices and/or movement in embodiment. Cheers to a better, stronger, truer YOU!

Reference:

Madeson, D. M. (2022, January 17). Postive Psychology.com. Retrieved from Embodiment Practices: How to Heal Through Movement: https://positivepsychology.com/embodiment-philosophy-practices/

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