Intimate Partner Abuse

I see a therapist every other week. I adore this class because I absolutely devour anything and everything that has to do with crime and mental health. I have the kind of anxiety that is incredibly beneficial in preparing for a break-in, a house fire, and the seediest parking garage you’ll ever be forced to navigate. I’ve been on my own for almost half my life and like to think I know some things. Here’s the thing, though – none of that prepares you for abuse you don’t know is happening.

Years ago, I got into and then out of a relationship that I considered to be one of the less enjoyable I’ve had. The way I had acted and treated myself during that time stuck with me, and I felt incredibly weak and ashamed. I was so angry, and I couldn’t stop being angry.

It was only during a series of guest speakers a few weeks ago that I realized I had missed plenty of signs, and that I had been in an abusive relationship. I was blaming myself for someone else’s actions, because I “should have known better.” Because I was smarter than that. But it’s not about intelligence – it can happen to anyone.

Here are some things I wish I knew, some things I knew but thought didn’t apply to me, and what self-care is and is not.

A disclaimer: This is colloquial, and I use humor as a coping mechanism. It doesn’t mean that I don’t understand how serious this topic is; it’s just my way of telling my story.

Things I Wish I Knew

• Your friends should like your significant other.

Sounds obvious, right? Well, what if you haven’t always had great friends? Or they just don’t know him like you do? Or they did like him, but now they don’t?

Yeah… they should still like him. My friends didn’t, not after a while. I cared because it was inconvenient, but it didn’t affect me day to day. Those social circles mixed seldom. Later, my friends told me they used to invite me to things last minute so that he couldn’t “weasel his way into coming.” Direct quote.

But they did like him originally, so what happened? Well, they picked up on a red flag that I buried in the sand, pun intended (you’ll see). Long story short, he emailed one of my friends and asked her to help him set up a proposal on the beach (see?!). When I said “yes” – not if, when – he would have all our friends and family and a justice of the peace emerge from the trees and say something along the lines of “Great! We can do it right now!” He wanted to surprise marry me, not propose. My friends told me it sounded like he was trying to “trap me.” I chocked it up to him being overly caffeinated and overzealous.

• If you can’t seem to see your boyfriend’s side of the argument but still manage to cry at literally every new episode of Queer Eye, you aren’t a cold person.

This was his main argument when I couldn’t find my way to seeing his side of things. It wasn’t that he was wrong, or I was standing up for myself, or had lost patience with him. It was that I was cold and didn’t care about his feelings. I just didn’t feel things like I should, I block them out, and that’s why I wasn’t understanding him. Mind you, I have almost dehydrated myself watching Queer Eye, so it isn’t a lack of feeling. It was probably a moment of clarity, but I listened to him instead of myself. I thought that I was a cold, uncompromising girlfriend, and I needed to try harder. For him. For us.

Things I Knew but I Thought Didn’t Apply to Me

• Your significant other should support your dreams, not try to talk you out of them… or into theirs.

There are a few things I was always upfront about when starting a new relationship: I’m not sure I want to get married, I don’t want kids, and I will not stay in New England. He was agreeable to those terms at first, but as you already read, he had other plans. He just needed to convince me and then it would all fall into place.

He hated my job. He hated that it would take me away from New England eventually and that I wanted to go, so he would say things like “What am I going to do if we move?” or “My family is here – we can’t leave my family.” He would tell me I should pursue other fields or stay here until he gets a degree. He didn’t have one and it would have taken years, but I could work on my masters in the meantime. Just put the job off for a little while.

Towards the end, he kept bringing up children. I had never budged on this. I did not want kids, and to be honest, the thought of raising children with him was terrifying. But he kept pushing, saying that I would be a good mother, and that he owed it to his family to have children, and he couldn’t imagine it with anyone else. He would get angry and pick a fight when I wouldn’t engage, so I would list names I liked occasionally to stave off the aggravation. And that’s how I thought of him at that point – an aggravation. And I still didn’t leave.

• Manipulation is abuse.
• Nostalgia isn’t good enough to keep going.
• It takes more than one attempt to leave.

I never had any bruises and he never threatened to hurt me or himself. I had my own apartment, friends and family that did not like him, and financial independence. And I didn’t leave.

We had some good times when we started dating, but it took a turn after about six months. We were apart and he was insecure, and I was starting to realize how much better I felt alone. But I stayed because of those first few months. I would get angry and we would fight, but then I would remember that I was just being cold. I hadn’t always been cold, so maybe we could get back to that. I just had to try harder to see his side.

I broke up with him twice, but I let him come back for about a month each time. I finally broke up with him for good and we haven’t spoken since, but I have struggled with the amount of time I wasted after that initial break-up. I gave him more of me even when I knew there was something off. I gave up time and happiness that I will never get back.

Self-Care is Not

• Calling out of work to go to the beach alone and then lying about your day.
• Working upwards of 60 hours a week “for the overtime.”
• Considering cheating because it will be easier than breaking up.

Self-care is leaving and healing, and maybe writing about the experience for a class about mental health, who knows…

I have never worked harder than I did during this time in my life. I worked every weekend that summer, and when I finally needed some time off, I kept it a secret.

When I took a trip for work, I almost met an old boyfriend for drinks. I didn’t, but my friends told me they wish I had. They were actively rooting for it.

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In the spirit of fairness, and quite frankly because this is public, I feel the need to say that I don’t believe my ex is a bad or malicious person. He is an insecure person, with a plethora of life experiences that have amplified that trait. I think we did care about one another at one time, but as it started to deteriorate, he grasped at anything that would keep us together. I hope we both look back on it and realize what it was.

So yes, there are cases far worse than mine. There are people who stay longer, suffer physical trauma to mirror the emotional, who never leave. But abuse doesn’t have a threshold. I was manipulated, coerced, and shamed. I blamed myself – a part of me still does. It set me back. But it counts, and I count, and hopefully by sharing this example, another person will realize sooner than I did.

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