{"id":372,"date":"2021-04-23T22:07:34","date_gmt":"2021-04-24T02:07:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/?p=372"},"modified":"2021-04-23T22:07:34","modified_gmt":"2021-04-24T02:07:34","slug":"interview-37","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/2021\/04\/23\/interview-37\/","title":{"rendered":"Interview #37"},"content":{"rendered":"

In this story, you will meet a young girl who never had to work, ride public transportation by herself, or pay a bill in her whole life until her parents and siblings had to flee the country. She shares the challenges she faced while living in Turkey all alone and how she crossed the Mexican border.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Back to list of interviews<\/a><\/p>\n

English Translation:<\/strong><\/p>\n

First of all, I would like to say that I am giving permission to this recording. I am 26 years old, almost 27, and I am single. I am currently working and if I pass the test, I am planning to study law. Other than that, I used to work as a cashier, but I have now quit.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, if we were to consider the state of the Hizmet movement in Turkey before the alleged coup, things had already been changing for the worse. This affected our lives, not directly, but in some way or another. That\u2019s why, before the alleged coup, my father\u2019s friends were being arrested. My dad also had been called in for questioning. These types of events put us into a continuously anxious state of mind, we were always worried. We were living in a \u201cperfect\u201d world. Because we believed we were \u201cfree\u201d, we never considered that what we were doing was \u2018harmful\u2019, which never, ever crossed our minds, and all we did was for the common good of humanity, we were never afraid to associate ourselves with the Hizmet movement. Everyone who knew us personally knew that we were members of the movement. I went to their schools, and so did my brothers. We all attended (<\/span>their<\/span><\/i>) private teaching institutions. We subscribed to\u00a0 their magazines, newspapers…\u00a0 We never thought that this would bring some sort of hardship.<\/span><\/p>\n

The night of the alleged coup, I had gone to see a movie with my friends. We left the theatres quite late, around 11:45 PM. One of my friends who lived in Turkey wasn\u2019t Turkish, so she wasn\u2019t fluent in Turkish. She texted me that night saying, \u201cA. There is a military coup happening now, are you aware?\u201d I assumed that she didn\u2019t know what a military coup was in Turkish, so I replied jokingly, \u201cDo you know what a military coup is?\u201d. My response was as if such an event could not have taken place. Later we went on Twitter and it seemed there had seriously been an attempted military coup. At first we thought it was some sort of a joke, as we were hearing of a national military coup through Twitter. I called my parents. As we were a family who didn\u2019t watch television that often, I was quite sure that my parents weren\u2019t aware of what was going on. With that panic my mom called my dad, and then we all came home. My brother wasn\u2019t home either, he was on the other side of the Asia-Europe bridge. We were worried about my brother, (<\/span>as the events were taking place on one of the bridges<\/span><\/i>) Later that night we finally all made home. Honestly, I don\u2019t recall how we all rushed to get home.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think we all sat down in front of the TV as a family for the first time. The coup was a big shocker for all of us. Later, when the events turned towards the Hizmet movement, we became very uneasy. We said this cannot be real, impossible, will they blame (<\/span>Hizmet movement<\/span><\/i>) for this too? We all knew deep inside that nothing was going to be the same anymore. We needed to do something as a family, we were all aware of this.<\/span><\/p>\n

From our home, we were able to hear so many of the sounds relating to the coup like sirens and bombs. We lived on the 5th floor of an apartment and the house felt like it was swaying back and forth. To this day, I am still scared of loud explosive sounds. My body feels like it goes numb and I have a physiological reaction. That night was terrible for us. We were up until 3 or 4 AM.\u00a0 Then my dad said let\u2019s sleep, we would see what happened in the morning. We went to sleep, but in the morning when we woke up we knew we were waking up to a very scary reality.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We learned that my sister in law\u2019s brother, who was serving in the army, could not be found. They could not get any information on his whereabouts. We thought that we should go and visit their family to be supportive, so we decided to go to their city. When we got there the situation was very bad. It\u2019s hard to explain right now, but everyone was so somber. It felt like everyone there had lost everything, like their lives had been ruined, all that they had worked towards for their entire lives had just been shattered. It\u2019s like everyone knew that there was no going back out of the situation we had been put into.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We discussed how my father had to leave; I then started to look for airplane tickets. A couple of days later my brother left the country, and my father left right after him. 4 days after they left the country the police raided my father\u2019s and brother\u2019s workplaces. My cousin used to work with my brother. My younger brother worked with them too, but he left just before the police came. The workers who were present when the police came let my younger brother know that he should not come back. Then they detained my cousin, and interrogated him for 13 hours.<\/span><\/p>\n

In this time period, we left our home.\u00a0 My father had fled to a foreign country, and we received news that the police were asking around for my mother and my sister-in-law. We later heard that they were looking for them at my uncle\u2019s and aunt\u2019s houses. It was around 2 AM when we finally left the house so we could flee. I remember we got in the car, but we didn\u2019t even know where we would go. We didn\u2019t have anywhere to go. We didn\u2019t want to go to people\u2019s houses as we would put them in danger as well. We also didn\u2019t know how people might respond to us. They might judge us or be judged for allowing us to stay in their homes. And lastly, it was hard to know if we could trust them. I say this because my mother\u2019s close friend of 15 years was one of the ones who reported us to the police. It came to the point where we didn\u2019t know whom we could trust anymore. We were in the car wondering what we should do. At that moment I remember feeling really bad. We had a distant relative that we didn\u2019t see much, but we knew that her son had also been taken into custody so we thought only she could be of help to us. We didn\u2019t let her know beforehand, we just went to her house, and she let us stay there until the morning. When morning came my uncle drove us to our hometown, as we couldn\u2019t go by bus, airplane or anything else. We went to our hometown and we stayed there for about 1 month, and then I returned back to our home because my father and brother had gone to the United States of America, and they wanted me to come as well because I knew English the best in my family. I always wanted to study languages, which is why I loved learning English. I always strived to learn new things. My brother and father wanted me to get a visa so I could go to USA and help them in opening a new business.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When I went home, my brother was still there to handle the rest of the paperwork for my father. A couple of days after I returned, the police raided our home. I was home alone around 11 PM when the doorbell rang. I had just spoken with my brother over the phone, who had said he was on his way, so I assumed it was him. I didn\u2019t even check who it was when I opened the door. There were 4 tall individuals in front of me. At that moment they all seemed so big and tall; because I was scared, I may have misperceived. They then proceeded to say they had a search warrant and at that point my hair was not covered. As I had opened the door with the thought that it was my brother, I didn\u2019t have my headscarf on, and as soon as I realized it, I reflexively tried to close the door, but they held it open. They were talking amongst themselves, one of them said, \u201cIf he were to jump from here, he wouldn\u2019t be able to flee, he\u2019d die.\u201d At this point they still thought that my father was home and that I was trying to close the door so he could escape. This was something that made me mad, because my cousin had been interrogated a month before, and at that point they had learned all the details of my father\u2019s international flight. They were working on the same case, yet they were unaware of each other\u2019s findings. The cops who came to our house didn\u2019t even know that my father was abroad. Everyone was trying to take control of things on their own.<\/span><\/p>\n

These cops raided our house. They did not let me get dressed for a certain period of time. I was very upset as they could have come with a female officer. They were 4 men and I was there all alone. Then they started knocking on the neighbors\u2019 doors in the apartment. They were loudly knocking on people\u2019s doors saying things such as, “We need two witnesses to search here,” but of course nobody wanted to come to our house. One said, “I have children.”; others gave other excuses. These people had been our neighbors for 20 years.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was there alone, and no one did anything. After all, most of them had cut their ties with us after the coup. They avoided us when they saw us on the street. These were the people whom we interacted with every day, we went to their houses to have a cup of tea with us, they came to our house but now they acted like they don\u2019t know us. Some of them clearly treated us like we were their enemies and were saying things such as \u201cdirty traitors.\u201d I lived in a private apartment complex and all of these events took place there. I knew none of the neighbors would come as a witness, so I asked if I could call my neighbors who lived two floors down, as I knew they would come. They allowed me to do so. I called them and they came over.<\/span><\/p>\n

Our house was searched, and while they were doing so the officers were saying humiliating things to me. One of them asked me what my degree was, and I replied saying public relations.\u00a0 He was astonished, saying that\u00a0 \u201cNormally, people like you become doctors or lawyers, why couldn\u2019t you be one!\u201d He then asked about the private teaching institution and school I attended. Later he asked about my dad, saying that I hadn\u2019t been involved as much but my dad had been far too entangled with this movement. He was suggesting that my father could still come back and help them. They tried to pressure me. Then they specifically asked where my brother was. Since I did not want my brother to come home at that time, I told the neighbors to tell my brother not to come.<\/span><\/p>\n

They asked about my mother that night, so we decided to take my mother abroad as well. Her passport and visa were with me, but I had left them at my friend\u2019s house. That night I went to pick them up and I took a flight to the city where my mother was so I could give them to her. My mother passed through the border on foot. She walked for 7 hours to T, and from there she went to M. From M she came here, and she did this all alone without a word of English.<\/span><\/p>\n

The evening that they came to our house they took my phone and my computer, and they didn\u2019t give them back. When I asked for them later, they said they did not have such a file. They did not give back 2 of my computers, 2 tablets, and my phone. It wasn\u2019t about getting them back, but the fact is they came to our house and took our belongings as evidence, and when I went to take them back they said that they did not have such items. That just leaves me speechless. Then they seized our home and put it up for sale. During this time period I was in Turkey with my brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

My brother was only 18 at the time, he had just begun college at Yeditepe University, but he had to drop out of school. As I mentioned, I was always alone during this time. To be honest, my parents pampered me. Whenever I went to the study hall, my brother would drop me off and my father would pick me up. I went on public transportation for the first time when I was in college. My friends would make fun of me sometimes because I couldn\u2019t use public transportation myself and I would want them to come with me. Now I had to do everything on my own. I had to move and change cities on my own. At times I had to be on my own at home. It was all very troubling and difficult for me because, as I said, I had always been pampered.<\/span><\/p>\n

My family was always with me at all times. Yes, I studied at the schools of the Hizmet movement. I even studied outside the city before, but I was always in the dormitory. I was always surrounded by older sisters who would protect me. Suddenly I was 23 years old, and I was completely alone. I was very unprepared for that kind of a thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

As I said before, everything was very new for me and I had to learn to live life like this very abruptly. Because my parents had come to the United States of America, they had paperwork to do. While they struggled to handle their paperwork, they were also trying to look out for me while I was in Turkey, but it was not really going well. After a certain point everyone started to turn their back on us, first my dad’s siblings, then my mom’s siblings. The people we called started not answering their phones. I understand this situation and have nothing to say to people who are afraid. Sometimes people get angry because people are afraid, but these people are afraid because they have things that they can lose. Some fear going to prison. Sometimes even the people who are in the same situation as us have turned their backs on us. The people we were with only two days before the coup, suddenly started treating us as traitors or terrorists. I was very angry with that. Because the people who we were so close with, who knew us the best, were treating us in this manner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I had to start working. It might sound funny to say this, but I had never worked until that time, the age of 23. I had just graduated from college and I was looking for work. But my family did not need me to work, they would still give me pocket money. Going from a person like this to having to work and do everything by myself was difficult. I hadn\u2019t even paid a bill in my life before this time. The same went for my brother. So when my parents went abroad, because we forgot about the bills, my brother and I had no electricity or water at times. All the bills were under my father\u2019s name so it took a long time for us to open the accounts again. Then, as the house was sold, we had to leave our house. It was such a strange time for us.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I tried to obtain a visa again. I was accepted by a school in the USA so I tried to get my F1 visa. In fact, when our house was first raided by the police, I was actually in the city for a visa interview. I was rejected. At that time, I had applied to a language school and they did not give me a visa. Then my mother went abroad and my father started a business in the US. Rather, my father only got a YouTube visa or something. My brother left the country in March and I was left completely alone. After he left I was staying with a relative because our house had been sold. But when you live with relatives, no matter how close you are with them, you are still at someone else\u2019s house. They had let me stay because of their friendship with my parents. Their views were very different from ours.<\/span><\/p>\n

After some time, staying with them began to be a problem. I had to do something about my situation. Either I had to move back to my hometown and settle with my aunt, or I was going to have to find a proper job. I was working in temporary part time jobs all the time, but it wasn\u2019t enough to live on my own. Once I did find a job with a good pay I was going to rent myself a place to call home. It is very difficult in this city. Living by yourself and paying your rent is difficult if your pay isn\u2019t good enough. And it wasn\u2019t that easy finding a good job right away. I kept on thinking about what I should do. Then my parents wanted me to try for a visa again.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was my second try. This time I applied to another school in the USA. I was accepted and took care of my paperwork. I scheduled the visa interview in Ankara that time. I will never forget that day because I had moved to another city by myself for the first time in my life. Even when I was studying out of town, my parents would drop me off to school when I returned from the holidays. It was the first time in my life that I travelled and went to the consulate on my own. When I applied for the visa for the second time I was denied again. They openly said that they could not give me a visa since my parents were in America, because there was no guarantee that I would come back. At that moment I knew that I could not get a visa.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, as I started to weigh my options (whether I would settle down in our hometown and so forth), my family was in the news, newspapers. In this one year time period I didn’t talk to any of my old friends. Even if I had wanted to, they would not meet with me. Frankly, I wasn’t trying to see anyone, either. As I mentioned, we lived very openly within the Hizmet movement. I was staying in their dormitories, going to their schools, so everybody knew everything. After the coup, my so-called friends could have called and asked what had happened. As nobody had called or asked, I did the exact same. During that year, I wouldn\u2019t mention my situation to anyone that I met for the first time. Everyone believed my parents had always been abroad and that I had come to Turkey to study. I acted like after college I would be going back to live with my parents. So everyone around me only knew the lies. Of course, it was later published in the newspapers. There were pictures of my father, my brothers, and our surname, therefore everyone learned everything with that incident.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember reading the news on the internet that day. People were commenting on the article with things such as, \u201cif the Republic of Turkey would allow us we would cut their heads\u2026\u201d and other very disturbing comments. Our society is full of criminals and rapists, and even they were getting punishment reductions; while on the other hand people from Hizmet were getting called traitors, and people wanted to cut their heads off. I was so upset. We didn’t deserve such treatment. I did not think that we deserved any of the hate, anger, or rage. Through it all, I always tried to speak positively about the situation to my parents to comfort them. But that day I remember crying my heart out, because it was unbearably heavy to see how full of hate and grudge people had become. We had done nothing wrong and seeing people so full of hate was just difficult.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course after these events my parents insisted that I reapply for the visa as I had to leave the country. I knew I would be denied again so I really did not want to reapply. I knew that every time I got denied my parents became devastated. Only 20 days after my mom arrived in the United States of America she lost her mother and she couldn\u2019t even attend her funeral. Then my father lost two very close friends, whom he had been friends with for 30-35 years, two in a row. My parents were both psychologically and physically exhausted.<\/span><\/p>\n

I did not want my parents to get any more upset. I tried to obtain the visa once more because they insisted so much. Of course I did not get it again. Then my brother sent me a message saying that his friend\u2019s wife crossed the border, and asked me what I would think about that. When you\u2019re asked about such a thing, you get a little nervous at first. My brother told me that his friend\u2019s wife had come out of the detainment of the border guard in two days but there still exists the possibility of not getting out like that, because I am single with no kids. He warned me that I would be treated differently as I would be going as a single individual with no special condition. The time period of waiting may take up to 6 months and I might not be as lucky as the friend who was let go in two days. After he heard the news from his friend, my brother had the idea of bringing his wife to the USA. He went to Canada and was no longer in the USA. As he had been planning such a thing for some time, he could offer me that right after the news about my family.<\/span><\/p>\n

As the days passed I would still hear ridiculous comments from people. I was worried that someone would report me to the police due to my family’s situation. Anyone could report me, even if it was just due to the fact that they were annoyed by my family. Anything could happen to me here so I thought why not, I should give it a try. I thought about it for 15 minutes and that\u2019s when I decided I would do it. I had no choice, because no one from my family was left in the country. I was here all alone and I knew that me being here worried my family. I was doing this for them more than for myself. They needed me because their English was not good, either. It was like there was no other way out. Before I left the country, I had told my friend that I might leave the country. I only had a few friends who were still very close to me and knew my situation, and she was one of them. I told her that if I messaged her telling her that I will be moving back to my hometown, that it meant that I would be fleeing the country. I told her that I would not text her saying the situation directly. So I told her that I\u2019d be leaving for my hometown, I had only told her about it. Frankly, there was no one left in the country that I was still talking to, that I could tell my situation to.<\/span><\/p>\n

Within an hour of my brother telling me this situation, they bought my ticket. I was going to Mexico, and after Mexico I was going to cross the border to America. I don\u2019t remember why, but I had already gotten a visa to Mexico. It was an electronic visa, which was immediately available. And everything was decided at once. In a total of one hour, everything was ready.\u00a0 My flight was for the next morning at 7:30 AM and I didn’t even have my suitcase ready, but I was going to leave the country. My friend forgot about the message I had given her, so when I told her I was going to my hometown she didn\u2019t understand. When I left the country, I did not say goodbye to anyone. I only remember that it was very close to Eid al-Adha. We had been living in the same apartment complex for 20 years and when I was leaving I remember telling the security guard that I\u2019d be going to my hometown for the break. And just like that I left everything behind me with a lie.<\/span><\/p>\n

My brother\u2019s friend\u2019s spouse was in Mexico with her two children. They had arrived one day before me. They were told to not pass the border immediately, and that someone would be coming to join them. They agreed. They greeted me at the airport when I arrived. Of course, the journey was a very big deal for me. I remember feeling so nervous and I was sweating as I was leaving the country. I was shaking when I was giving my passport; I was so scared as I was getting on the plane because I had never been abroad before, I was going abroad for the first time. And I remember thinking that I was someone who couldn\u2019t go to the grocery store. I couldn’t talk to people who I didn\u2019t know. Whenever I was asked to buy groceries it was a big deal for me. I would have a lot of trouble. I would always call my friends and ask to go to the grocery store together. I would give them the payment and they would go through the checkout because I couldn’t talk there. Going from a person who couldn\u2019t even go to the grocery store by herself to traveling to Mexico on my own was a very big deal for me. It was a very big step for me. I had basically gone to the next level in my life.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I got to Mexico they were waiting for me at the airport. We stayed for 3-4 days in Cancun. It was such a beautiful place. Everything around us was breathtaking; the ocean was so beautiful. But we could not enjoy it. The children were very stressed, one was 17 years old and one was 13 years old. Their mom was very stressed, yet my situation was no different. Because we were going to cross the border and go to jail, we knew what was waiting for us. Everyone was very stressed. What I remember from those 3-4 days is only abdominal pain and nausea. We then traveled from Cancun to Tijuana.<\/span><\/p>\n

They held us at the airport in Tijuana for a while because they did not believe that we were tourists. They told us to remove our headscarves but we did not, so of course, they stopped us. It was strange for them to see Muslim women as tourists there so they held us there for a certain period of time. They took our passports and finally gave them back. We stayed there for a day. The thing is that we were constantly finding ourselves in absurd situations because Tijuana was a gambling city. We were basically in the middle of a place full of casinos. Everyone around was very strange, we never left our room. When we woke up the next day, we were waiting for our lawyer. He would take us and spend the day with us at the border because we wanted to apply for asylum.<\/span><\/p>\n

I couldn’t sleep and I had woken up at 7 AM. The lawyer said he would come at 9, but they could not come until 12 because there was a problem. Those 5 hours wouldn\u2019t pass. Then they came, we went to the border, and our lawyer told the officer that his clients wanted to apply for asylum. The officer was very surprised as they saw that I was already registered as a student in the system. After I had been accepted by a school, I went to the consulate for an F1 visa and couldn\u2019t get one. I had completely forgotten to report to the school that they should cancel my documents. I was a student, but I was also at the border wanting to enter the country through asylum. Then of course I had to explain the situation. They thought that I had already enrolled in the school to come to America, and I wasn\u2019t given my visa and I was trying to come through. It was very strange for them that I had wanted to cross the border through asylum, yet I was registered as a student. They were somehow trying to issue me a visa and they were transferring us from unit to unit. They were constantly saying \u201cstudent here\u201d while sending me over. Continuously and continuously.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then we got in. Our fingerprints were taken, our photos were taken, a lot of questions were asked and they also searched us. The officer who was searching us asked me to remove my headscarf. At that moment it was very difficult to be asked by a male officer. Maybe if I were in another room I\u2019d have less trouble but it was so hard like that. When I start crying I turn bright red, and I had to try really hard to stop myself from crying. I didn\u2019t want to cry. But of course I became red and my eyes teared up. The officer felt bad. He left the room and there was a female officer out there. The officer said to the female officer that it would be better if she took care of me. He said that I didn\u2019t feel well. At that moment I knew I was going to go to jail, but nevertheless the sensitivity of the officer made me so happy. Because the cops in my country who were Muslims hadn\u2019t allowed me to grab my headscarf and place it over my hair that evening in which they had entered our house. They hadn\u2019t allowed me to get dressed and they hadn\u2019t even considered bringing a female officer with them. But the reality was that those officers who were not even Muslim showed this sensitivity. I felt so good at that moment.<\/span><\/p>\n

We were all getting handcuffs and they even put them on our ankles, and attached chains on our bodies, but all the officers were doing this with a smile. And they apologized while doing this. They kept on saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I apologize I have to do this, I know that there is no need for such a thing, but unfortunately these are the standard rules.\u201d We were handcuffed but we did not even feel bad about it.\u00a0 Anyway, we were taken in.<\/span><\/p>\n

They asked in detail what was going on there, why I had to leave the country, they wanted the whole story. They asked for the information regarding my family. They called and confirmed the information I was giving. Then they put us in the cells. I have claustrophobia. I can’t stay in closed areas. When we got put into the cells, I started not being able to breathe. I felt very bad.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then they took me back to the place where we were searched and interrogated. I was there for a few hours. After that, I was taken to be interrogated that evening. I was interrogated for a long time, about 4 hours or so. I did not spend a lot of time in the cell. Then when they put me back in the cell in the morning I had another seizure. There was a doctor there all the time to care for us. He would perform check-ups and would have us under surveillance if we needed to take medication. He told the officers if they put me back in the cell my situation would worsen and may even cause a heart attack. So they did not allow me to be put back in the cell. They kept checking up on us and asked if we had eaten. Then the doctor said to me, \u201cI didn’t understand how bad the situation for the people here was until I saw you. Because all of them are in the cells I didn’t realize how bad it was, but you’re here in front of me every day.\u201d He felt very bad about it. Normally there is no communication with anyone from outside. You cannot call anyone after entering, Yet the doctor put in a special request for me to see if I could call my family.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was the first day of Eid al-Adha and I was in a very bad situation. I was at the border for 5 days. I was constantly struggling to breathe, and that day, the doctor was trying to come and talk to me so I could relax. I told him my family was very worried. I thought we would be transferred to a prison-like place after 2 days or so, but we had been there for 5 days. I told him that it was Eid, a very special day for us when we typically had feasts and celebrations, and I was feeling very bad. He asked the officers if I could call my family, but they did not allow it, as it was against the rules.<\/span><\/p>\n

But even these little details make you feel very good at that moment. Because I was treated like I was nothing in Turkey for the past year. In Turkey if you had a very good financial situation you were treated highly, people would tolerate you based on your status. I learned this a little late, in the 23rd year of my life. People’s attitudes can change terribly when there is no money in your pocket and when they come to a position where they can see themselves higher than you. They can disturb you even with their gaze, as long as they feel they are higher than you. Then seeing little things like the way I was treated at the border made me feel so good, they showed such sensitivity.<\/span><\/p>\n

There was an officer who spoke Turkish there, the police officer was constantly trying to come and speak Turkish with me. I have a funny memory there. It was my pajamas, they had something in English written on it. I asked if I could wear one more thing because I was so cold. They didn\u2019t want us to wear anything that could open and close with a zip or button. It was a hazard because potentially someone can take it off and strangle another person with it. They do not allow anything that could cause danger. So they took off our headscarves, our shoelaces, our belts, anything that they perceived could harm others. All of my clothes were blouses or cardigans therefore none of them were allowed. I was sitting with my hair open, jeans and my pajama top with the English writing on it. Then someone came in wearing loose jeans, a turtleneck, and another tunic on top and she was trying to keep her hair back. I said to myself this woman was one of us. They sat her in the waiting room, and as I was not in the cell I could see everyone who passed by. I asked her where she was from, and she said she was Turkish. When I replied, “I am Turkish as well,” she said my name.\u00a0 I was shocked because I was talking with someone on the other side of the world, in jail, and the person in front of me said my name, someone I had never seen before. Turns out, we had the same lawyer and he sent greetings to me with her. He said that he was calling every day to get information about my case and that I would come out very soon. Even after I left that place I still kept in contact with her. She\u2019s someone I talked to and still talk with to this day.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I stayed for 5 days, and on the 6th day they were going to get us out of there. They were doing what they normally shouldn’t have done at all, because my situation was very different. A police officer came to me and said, \u201cyou will leave today,\u201d because I couldn\u2019t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and they had been trying to get me to eat. For example, I was eating cereal in the morning and because they saw that I ate it for breakfast, they were always bringing me cereal for lunch and dinner. However, I guess I could only eat the cereal because I had just woken up.\u00a0 As the day went on I couldn\u2019t stop overthinking and panicking, which caused me to lose my appetite. They were doing their best to get me to eat something. Anyway the officer finally came and told me I was going out that day. More precisely, I was going to be transferred to another place.\u00a0 I would not go out, so I would not go to my family.<\/span><\/p>\n

They had us get into a line. There were 6 of us. There was a bag and it kept on making sounds of chains and it didn\u2019t even cross my mind that they were going to tie that chain around our ankles, and I was shocked. When the officer saw my reaction he started apologizing and saying that this wasn\u2019t actually necessary but that it was just a part of the process. The officers there know everyone’s story, they all read your file, and frankly the border is really being abused. For example, some people decided to go out and cross the border as if they were having dinner with their friends. Others come for very strange reasons, such as their boyfriend is constantly beating them so they decide to cross the border because they can not stay there. The officers had a different attitude toward me because they all knew my story and I was always in front of them as I wasn\u2019t in the cell. And they kept repeating “I know this is very unnecessary, I know, but I still have to put on these handcuffs,” and they put on the handcuffs with a lot of apologies. And I kept on thinking about the people who went to jail in Turkey and how they weren\u2019t even treated like this. What had we done to deserve having my hands and ankles tied up. I kept on thinking about that as we headed for the vehicle.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then they put us in the vehicle, like in the movies, it was made of steel and we were transferred to another place. They let me call my family there. We waited for a few hours there. It was very cold, I remember that very clearly. I had never been so cold in my life. I was so cold that I was saying to myself that although I never liked summer, I would never complain about it again. Of course I complained about the heat later on, but I remember that moment.<\/span><\/p>\n

The bathroom situation was very bad. The toilets were open, and you had to go in front of everyone. This is the prison situation you see in American movies. It was very hard for us, but other people were going comfortably. When I would go, I would ask people to turn around or look away. Because of our way of upbringing, our religion, we have grown up with a perception of intimacy for everything. I feel so bad even thinking about it now.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then we were transferred from one place to another, again, we were handcuffed. We were transferred to a detention center in the steel vehicles. It took us 5 hours and there were 6 of us all handcuffed. Then we were transferred there, one by one, all our bags were searched. They searched everything and then they gave us the prison uniforms. We wore them. After that, we got into the cell that looked like a collective dormitory. There were 50 bunk beds for 100 people.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After that, I spoke with my family.\u00a0 When I called them, I was very angry, because they told me I\u2019d be staying there for two days, and I had already stayed for 5 days, and I didn\u2019t know when I would be able to get out. It would have been okay if I knew what was waiting for me from the start. I would have prepared myself psychologically to be put in the cell, and for those toilets. Because if I knew before, it wouldn’t be as bad. But at that moment it was very troublesome to encounter everything as it was very new for me. Everything was shocking.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They decided to visit me, but they were in Connecticut and I was in California, round trip tickets were up to $2,000. I told them not to come. If I was released on bail in the next few days or weeks they would still need a large amount of money. I didn’t want them to spend it on the plane ticket.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I stayed at the Detention Center for 33 days. When I was in high school I stayed in a dormitory where computers and telephones were forbidden, and I could call my family only on pay phones whenever I wanted. In the center, there were televisions we could watch at night and we had newspapers to read. We also had the option to go out into the garden and do sports. So there was nothing physically challenging me, but the psychological impairment of being in prison was huge. I also have anxiety. For example, even if I know that the end of something will be good, I constantly worry myself until I see the outcome. My sleep became more and more disturbed. They started giving me medication under the supervision of a psychologist, but it always made me feel sleepy. That’s why I didn’t want to take the medication.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here is a day in my life while I was in prison. They woke us up at six in the morning. You had to go to breakfast, three meals a day were a must. The only reason I went to breakfast was to drink milk every morning and then I returned, because I’m not a person who can have breakfast. It was very early to get up at six. Then I was going to get up again at eight o’clock. There was a system in the prison – by calling a payphone from that system and hitting certain keys you could buy things. There was a list and you could choose from that list. I bought coffee that I would make for myself and read newspapers. Every day between 9 and 11 o’clock we were allowed to go out to the garden. I was in the garden from 9 to 11. Since we were in California, the garden was very warm. But still, inside the Detention Center was very cold, we were constantly getting cold. Then I would come in and call my family. I would talk to them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I would shower sometimes. Sometimes we would sit with friends just as it was before the week of an exam, and everyone was talking about exam notes. We would talk about our cases, and how we had which proof and so forth. We would also talk about our friends who had already gone to court. We were constantly talking about our cases telling others something from our own story. There were games like Dominos and Uno and we were trying to spend time playing such games.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There were 4 wards. At 12 or 12:30 whichever ward had the turn to clean would clean all the wards. Then they came to check the wards after we cleaned. We had dinner according to our cleaning order. If we were the first in cleaning, we got out at 12, if we were 2nd it was 12:15, because there was only one dining hall and all groups used it alternately. Because there was always some sort of a turmoil in the cafeteria they wouldn’t keep us there for a long time. We had a maximum of 10 minutes, by the end of that 10 minutes we had to be done eating. As soon as we sat, they would tell us to hurry up and be quick so we could return to the ward. After that, we had a half hour to go outside between 1:30 and 2 PM.<\/span><\/p>\n

I would go outside whenever I could. There were no windows inside and I remember the first week I was there, I didn\u2019t go outside at all because I wasn\u2019t feeling good and that week I really missed daylight. You miss the daylight when you don\u2019t see it – it\u2019s very valuable. That\u2019s why I was going out whenever I had an opportunity.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Every week we had a medical checkup performed by a doctor. If we were the best in cleaning they would allow us to have popcorn and coke while we would watch a movie in a common area altogether. So there were such activities. Everyone’s behavior there was very kind. All of the police officers were very caring and would always come and ask how we were doing. I found all of this humane treatment very strange as I imagined prison far differently. I imagined people would be rough and would give us a hard time.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I stayed there for 33 days until I got to go back to my family. Once there, I began working at a supermarket. I recently quit because I\u2019m thinking of taking an exam in November, and I have to focus on my exam. After the coup, we stopped seeing many of our relatives, or rather, they wanted to stop communicating with us. Honestly, if they were to start talking with us again as if nothing had happened I don\u2019t know if I would want to talk with them.<\/span><\/p>\n

If I were to reflect on the last 4 years of my life, my regret would be living a very empty life, only living for myself. I was not doing anything for anyone else. This is one of the biggest reasons behind my dream of becoming a lawyer. I saw that the people in detention centers were victimized because of lawyers who weren\u2019t there for them. So by becoming a lawyer I want to help people, especially immigrants. I feel like I led an aimless life of 23 years.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My current anger, anxiety, and disappointment is due to people’s disloyalty. This damaged my ability to put trust in people very much. Most people can\u2019t say anything against all of the injustice in Turkey because they are scared for their life.\u00a0 This I completely understand.\u00a0 What I cannot comprehend is an utter disloyalty toward the people who have been wrongfully labeled and convicted. But because I had already lost my faith in people, to be honest, I wasn\u2019t that mad. Living in Turkey is hard right now.\u00a0 Everyone does whatever they have to for their family\u2019s survival.<\/span><\/p>\n

I saw my family here for the first time after the coup. I remember all my dad’s friends would make fun of him because he wouldn\u2019t show any signs of aging like he wasn’t getting any grey or white hair. When he was leaving Turkey he had no white hair. They greeted me when I got off the plane. My father’s hair was white. I guess it was gray and white, and at that moment I tried so hard to keep it together so I would not cry. My father was 58 years old and he had been here for one year. That first moment I saw him it looked like he had aged so much, you could see it in his face.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

I am trying to get used to a new life. There has been so much effort for me to come here. My parents started to ask me for help with lots of things, they said that they had been waiting for me. It\u2019s been this way since the day I came, and that was 2 years ago in 2017. I wasn’t doing anything for my family before, they were doing everything for me, but now the situation has turned around and become a bit of the opposite. I have to handle everything because they can’t do it, and I don’t want them to misunderstand and think I\u2019m complaining. I\u2019m almost always doing something for them but I also have to work. I have to earn my own money right now, because when my father works alone it isn\u2019t enough. My brother goes to school and also works with my dad but unfortunately that isn\u2019t enough in America. The girl who couldn\u2019t handle anything on her own is now helping her family, her mom, dad, and brother in every way she can.\u00a0 I\u2019m trying to adapt to this new life, that\u2019s all.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Turkish Transcription:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Back to list of interviews<\/a><\/p>\n

\u00d6ncelikle bu kayd\u0131n yap\u0131lmas\u0131na tamamen \u00f6zg\u00fcr ve h\u00fcr irademle izin veriyorum, bilin\u00e7li olarak. 26 ya\u015f\u0131nday\u0131m, \u00e7ok yak\u0131nda 27 olaca\u011f\u0131m, bekar\u0131m. Su an ben de \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum, in\u015fallah g\u00fczel bir sonu\u00e7 olabilirsem Hukuk okumayi dusunuyorum. Onun haricinde X yerinde kasiyerlik yap\u0131yordum, yeni \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m o i\u015ften.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Haricinde hikayeme gelecek olursak T\u00fcrkiye’de darbeden \u00f6nce de belirli \u015feyler de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015fti Hizmet Hareketi’ne kar\u015f\u0131. Bu ufak tefek bizim de hayat\u0131m\u0131zi etkiliyordu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc babam\u0131n arkada\u015flar\u0131 daha darbe olmadan once tutuklanmaya ba\u015flanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Babam da sorguya al\u0131nm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Bu tarz \u015feyler tabii bizi s\u00fcrekli tedirgin ediyordu, s\u00fcrekli diken \u00fcst\u00fcnde ya\u015f\u0131yorduk. Biz \u00e7ok toz pembe bir d\u00fcnyada ya\u015f\u0131yormu\u015fuz. \u00d6zg\u00fcr oldu\u011fumuzu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz ve k\u00f6t\u00fc bir \u015fey yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 asla d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmedi\u011fimiz i\u00e7in, asla akl\u0131m\u0131zdan b\u00f6yle bir \u015fey ge\u00e7medi\u011fi i\u00e7in, t\u00fcm amac\u0131m\u0131z insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n yarar\u0131na ve iyili\u011fine oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in Hizmet Hareketi i\u00e7erisinde oldu\u011fumuzu \u00e7ok g\u00f6stererek ya\u015f\u0131yorduk. Herkes bizim Hizmet hareketi’ne \u00fcye oldu\u011fumuzu biliyordu. Ben okullar\u0131nda okudum. Karde\u015fim, abim ayn\u0131 \u015fekilde okullar\u0131nda okudu, dershanelere gittik. Gazeteler, dergiler,\u2026 Her \u015fey a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7a ortadayd\u0131 ve biz bunlar\u0131n hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 te\u015fkil edece\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmemi\u015ftik.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Darbe g\u00fcn\u00fc arkada\u015flar\u0131mla sinemaya gitmi\u015ftim, \u00e7ok ge\u00e7 bir saatte \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131k sinemadan. Saat 11.45 faland\u0131. Benim bir tane arkada\u015f\u0131m var, kendisi T\u00fcrkiye’de ya\u015f\u0131yor ama aslen T\u00fcrk de\u011fil, o y\u00fczden T\u00fcrk\u00e7esi biraz zay\u0131f, bana bir mesaj att\u0131 \u201cA. ihtilal oluyormus haberin var m\u0131?\u201d diye. Ben de ihtilalin ne demek oldu\u011funu bildi\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmedim. Dalga ge\u00e7erek, \u201cSen ihtilal ne demek biliyor musun?\u201d hani \u00f6yle bir \u015fey olamaz gibi bir tepki verdim. Sonra biz Twitter’a girdik, ger\u00e7ekten darbe oluyor gibi bir durum vard\u0131. Biz ba\u015fta bunu \u015faka falan sand\u0131k. \u00c7\u00fcnku cok komik bir durumda biz darbeyi Twitter’dan \u00f6\u011freniyorduk. Sonra ben annemleri arad\u0131m. Biz televizyon izleyen bir aile de\u011fildik, o y\u00fczden bizimkilerin haberinin olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131na \u00e7ok emindim annemi arad\u0131m. Ondan sonra annem bir panikle babam\u0131 arad\u0131. Sonra hepimiz eve geldik karde\u015fim falan evde de\u011fildi o k\u00f6pr\u00fcn\u00fcn kar\u015f\u0131 taraf\u0131ndayd\u0131, o y\u00fczden baya\u011f\u0131 bir panik oldular ama sonra iste bir \u015fekilde hepimiz evdeydik. A\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 nasil oldu, nas\u0131l toparland\u0131k hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

San\u0131r\u0131m evde ilk defa televizyon a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131p, hepimizin televizyonun ba\u015f\u0131nda topland\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir ak\u015famd\u0131. Ondan sonra biz bir \u015feylerin de\u011fi\u015fti\u011fini, a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 darbe olmas\u0131 hepimiz i\u00e7in b\u00fcy\u00fck bir \u015foktu. Ama daha sonra iste darbeyi Hizmet Hareketi\u2019nin yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 falan s\u00f6ylenmeye ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131nda biz \u00e7ok fazla tedirgin olduk. B\u00f6yle bir \u015fey olamaz, imkans\u0131z, bu da m\u0131, bu \u015fekilde mal edilecek falan gibisinden konu\u015fmalar oldu aram\u0131zda. Ama art\u0131k hepimiz i\u00e7ten i\u00e7e biliyorduk yani bir \u015feyler de\u011fi\u015fmisti, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey eskisi gibi olmayacakt\u0131. Bir \u015feyler yapmam\u0131z gerekiyordu ailecek, hepimiz bunun fark\u0131ndayd\u0131k.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra biz konum olarak oturdu\u011fumuz yerden dolay\u0131 \u00e7ok fazla bomba sesleri falan duyduk, bir binan\u0131n 5. kat\u0131nda oturuyorduk ve ev \u00e7ok fazla sallan\u0131yordu. Ben hala \u00e7ok y\u00fcksek sesle patlama tarzi bir sey duydu\u011fum zaman elim aya\u011f\u0131m bo\u015fal\u0131yor. Fiziksel olarak tepki veriyorum. O gece \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fcyd\u00fc bizim icin. Biz gece \u00fc\u00e7e, d\u00f6rde kadar bekledik. Sonra babam yatip uyuyal\u0131m art\u0131k sabah bakar\u0131z neler oldu falan diye. Sonra biz yatt\u0131k, uyuduk ama uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda hepimiz biliyorduk \u00e7ok korkun\u00e7 \u015feylere uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra benim abimin e\u015finin, yani yengemin karde\u015fi askerdi ve bulunam\u0131yordu. Onun giden b\u00f6l\u00fc\u011f\u00fc geri d\u00f6nmemi\u015fti. Ondan hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde haber al\u0131nam\u0131yordu. Sonra biz de ona, ailesine destek olmak i\u00e7in K.’ya gidelim diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fck ve K.’ya gitmeye karar verdik. Bulundu\u011fumuz yerden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k oraya kadar gittik ve oraya vard\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda su an nasil anlataca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bilmem ama durumu \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fcyd\u00fc. Herkes mahvolmu\u015f bir durumdayd\u0131, her \u015fey \u00e7ok kasvetliydi. Herkes her \u015fey mahvolmu\u015f gibi hissediyordu. Hayatlar\u0131m\u0131z mahvolmu\u015f, in\u015faa etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z her \u015fey mahvolmu\u015f, b\u00f6yle geri d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fc olmaz bir yolda oldu\u011fumuzun fark\u0131ndayd\u0131k artik.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra orada babamlar\u0131n da \u00e7\u0131kmas\u0131 gerekti\u011fini konu\u015ftuk. Sonra ben onlara u\u00e7ak bileti falan bakt\u0131m. \u00c7ok de\u011fil birka\u00e7 g\u00fcn sonra abim hemen ertesinde de babam yurt d\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131. Onlar \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131ktan yakla\u015f\u0131k 4 g\u00fcn sonra babam\u0131n i\u015f yerlerine, a\u011fabeyimin i\u015f yerlerine bask\u0131n yap\u0131ld\u0131. Sonra kuzenim a\u011fabeyimle \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu. Normalde k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck karde\u015fim de oradayd\u0131 ama k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck karde\u015fim \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131. O hemen i\u015f yerinden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131ktan sonra polisler gelmi\u015f sonra ona oraya geri gitmesin diye haber verilmi\u015f. Sonra kuzenimi falan g\u00f6zalt\u0131na ald\u0131lar. Onu 13 saat kadar sorguda tutmu\u015flar.<\/span><\/p>\n

Biz de bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te kendi evimizden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc kendi evimizdeydik hala, babamlar yurt d\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ama sonra annemi sorduklar\u0131, abimin e\u015fini sorduklar\u0131 haberi falan geldi. Daha sonra annemle, abimin e\u015fini aramak i\u00e7in day\u0131mlar\u0131n, teyzemlerin evine bakacaklar\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6yledikleri i\u00e7in bizim de gitmemiz gerekiyordu ba\u015fka bir yere, gece saat 2 gibi faland\u0131. Hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum arabaya bindik ama gidecek hi\u00e7 kimsemiz yoktu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir, evine gitti\u011fimiz insanlar\u0131 tehlikeye atmak istemiyorduk. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc artik neye, nas\u0131l bir tepki verilecek bilmiyorduk. Bu insanlar\u0131 niye evine ald\u0131niz diye o insanlara da sorun olabilirdi. \u0130kincisi a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 kime g\u00fcvenip kimin evine gidece\u011fimizi de bilmiyorduk. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc evine gitti\u011fimiz ki\u015fi bizi orada oldu\u011fumuza dair ihbar da edebilirdi. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc annemin 15 y\u0131ll\u0131k bir aile dostumuz bizi gidip polise \u015fikayet etmi\u015fti. Art\u0131k kime g\u00fcvenece\u011fimizi, ne yapacagimizi hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde bilmiyorduk. \u0130\u015fte gece saat 2 gibi falan araban\u0131n i\u00e7erisinde gidecek hi\u00e7 bir yerimiz olmadan ne yapaca\u011f\u0131z \u015fimdi diye kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. O an kendimi \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc hissetmi\u015ftim. Sonra \u00e7ok uzak bir akrabam\u0131z vard\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 \u00e7ok fazla da g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz bir insan de\u011fildi ama biliyorduk onlar\u0131n da o\u011flu tutuklanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131, bizi ancak onlar anlayabilir diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fck. Hi\u00e7 haber bile vermeden bir gece kap\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7ald\u0131k ve bize kap\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7t\u0131lar ve orada kald\u0131k sabaha kadar. Ondan sonra sabah olunca day\u0131m bizi memleketimize g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fc. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc u\u00e7a\u011fa, otob\u00fcse falan binemiyorduk. Sonra memlekete gittik orada kald\u0131k bir 1 ay kadar sonra ben kendi evimize geri d\u00f6nd\u00fcm. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc babamla abim Amerika’ya gelmi\u015flerdi, ve benim de gelmemi istiyorlard\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bizim ailede \u0130ngilizcesi en iyi olan bendim. Hep dil b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc okumak istemi\u015ftim o y\u00fczden \u0130ngilizce \u00f6\u011frenmeyi \u00e7ok seviyordum. S\u00fcrekli u\u011fra\u015f\u0131yordum bir \u015feyler \u00f6\u011frenmek i\u00e7in. Bunlar benim vizeye girmemi istediler e\u011fer al\u0131rsam yanlar\u0131na gelirim, is\u00a0 falan kurmalar\u0131nda yard\u0131mc\u0131 olurum diye.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra ben karde\u015fimin yan\u0131na evimize geri d\u00f6nd\u00fcm, O. buradayd\u0131, babam\u0131n i\u015flerini falan halletmek i\u00e7in geriye kalan ve \u00e7ok de\u011fil ben d\u00f6nd\u00fckten iki \u00fc\u00e7 g\u00fcn sonra evimizi polisler bast\u0131. Ben evde tektim ak\u015fam saat 11:30\u2019du gece yani. Kap\u0131 \u00e7al\u0131nd\u0131, ben karde\u015fimle telefonla konu\u015fmu\u015ftum o da \u201cgeliyorum\u201d falan dedi. Ben de o hemen kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde falan apartmana\u00a0 giriyor diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm i\u00e7in kap\u0131 \u00e7al\u0131n\u0131nca onun geldi\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp hi\u00e7 \u201cKim o?\u201d diye sormadan kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7t\u0131m. Kar\u015f\u0131mda 4 tane boylu poslu insanlar b\u00f6yle o an g\u00f6z\u00fcme \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck\u00a0 g\u00f6r\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015flerdi. Korktu\u011fum i\u00e7in san\u0131r\u0131m, herhalde korkum onlar\u0131 devlestirmi\u015f olabilir. Sonra kar\u015f\u0131mda 4 tane ki\u015fi arama izinlerinin oldugunu, kendilerinin polis oldu\u011funu ve evi\u00a0 arayacaklar\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorlar ve ben ac\u0131kt\u0131m. Normalde kapal\u0131y\u0131m ve karde\u015fim geldi\u011fi i\u00e7in karde\u015fimin geldi\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm i\u00e7in kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131k a\u00e7m\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Ben onu idrak edince bir refleksle kap\u0131y\u0131 suratlar\u0131na geri kapatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m ama onlar kap\u0131y\u0131 falan tuttular. Aralar\u0131nda \u015fey konu\u015fuyorlar\u00a0 \u201cAdam buradan atlasa \u00f6l\u00fcr ka\u00e7amaz.\u201d falan. Hala babam\u0131n evde oldu\u011funu ve onun ka\u00e7mas\u0131 i\u00e7in benim kap\u0131y\u0131 suratlar\u0131na kapatt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorlar. Bu mesela benim \u00e7ok k\u0131zd\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir \u015feydi. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bundan bir ay \u00f6ncesinde i\u015f yerlerini bast\u0131klar\u0131 zaman kuzenim sorguya al\u0131n\u0131p babam\u0131n hangi g\u00fcn saat ka\u00e7ta yurtd\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 biliyorlard\u0131. Birbirlerinden habersiz i\u015f yap\u0131yorlar, evimize gelen polisler babam\u0131n yurtd\u0131\u015f\u0131nda oldu\u011funu bile bilmiyordu. Her yerden, herkes bir \u015fey yapmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu kendi kafas\u0131nca.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Onlar da evimizi basmaya karar vermi\u015fler, eve gelmi\u015flerdi. Benim belirli bir s\u00fcre \u00fcst\u00fcm\u00fc giymeme izin vermediler. \u015eu an yine hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum ama o an orada belirli bir s\u00fcre tuttular, i\u00e7ten i\u00e7e \u00e7ok k\u0131zd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir tane bayan memurla gelebilirlerdi. Onlar 4 tane erkek ben orada tek ba\u015f\u0131mayd\u0131m. I\u015fte sonra apartmandaki kom\u015fular\u0131n kap\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7almaya ba\u015flad\u0131lar. \u00c7ok g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fcl\u00fc bir \u015fekilde insanlar\u0131n kap\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7al\u0131p \u201cBiz burada arama yapaca\u011f\u0131z, iki tane sahide ihtiyac\u0131m\u0131z var.\u201d falan diye \u015fey yap\u0131yorlard\u0131; sonra tabii ki kimse gelmek istemedi evimize. Birisi \u201c\u00c7ocuklar\u0131m var\u201d dedi kapatt\u0131, birisi ba\u015fka bir \u015fey dedi kapatt\u0131. Onlar bizim 20 y\u0131ll\u0131k kom\u015fular\u0131m\u0131zdi..<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben orada tek ba\u015f\u0131mayd\u0131m ve hi\u00e7biri bir \u015fey yapmad\u0131. Zaten darbeden sonra \u00e7o\u011fu bizimle muhatab\u0131n\u0131 kesmi\u015fti. Sokakta g\u00f6rd\u00fckleri zaman y\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fcze bakm\u0131yorlardi. Her g\u00fcn muhatap oldu\u011fumuz evlerine \u00e7ay i\u00e7meye gitti\u011fimiz, bizim evimize gelen insanlar bir anda bizimle t\u00fcm ba\u011f\u0131n\u0131 kesmi\u015f sanki bizi tan\u0131m\u0131yor gibilerdi. Kimi ise d\u00fc\u015fmanl\u0131k ediyordu direkt laf at\u0131yordu \u201cPis hainler.\u201d diye. Ben bir sitede oturuyordum. Bu arada boyle o sitenin i\u00e7erisinden cikip gelirken\u00a0 oluyordu butun bunlar. Sonra hi\u00e7biri gelmedi ben de onlara hi\u00e7 birinin gelmeyece\u011fini izin verirlerse 2 kat alttaki kom\u015fumuzu arayabilece\u011fimi, onlar\u0131n gelece\u011fini s\u00f6yledim. \u0130\u015fte izin verdiler onlari arad\u0131m, onlar geldiler.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Bizim evimiz arand\u0131 tabii bu arada polislerin \u00e7ok a\u015fa\u011f\u0131lay\u0131c\u0131 \u015feyler kulland\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. Bana ne okuyup, neyden mezun oldugumu sormu\u015ftu. Ben de halkla ili\u015fkiler ve tan\u0131t\u0131m mezunu oldu\u011fumu s\u00f6ylemi\u015ftim universiteden. \u0130\u015fte \u201cHayret sizinkiler normalde ya okur doktor olur ya da avukat olur sen niye bir halt olamad\u0131n?\u201d gibi bir c\u00fcmle kurmu\u015ftu bana. Sonra gitti\u011fim dershaneyi, okulu sordu. Sonra babam\u0131n bu i\u015fe \u00e7ok bulastigi \u201cHadi sen neyse de baban bu i\u015fe \u00e7ok bula\u015fm\u0131\u015f.\u201d tarzi c\u00fcmleler kurmu\u015ftu. Baban hala geri d\u00f6nebilir, bize yard\u0131m edebilir falan, bu tarz beni s\u0131k\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015flard\u0131. Sonra karde\u015fimin nerede oldu\u011funu sormu\u015flard\u0131 \u00f6zellikle. Ben de o s\u0131rada karde\u015fimin eve gelmesini istemedi\u011fim i\u00e7in kom\u015fulara s\u00f6ylemi\u015ftim hani polis eve girerken karde\u015fime mesaj att\u0131rm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m eve gelmesin diye.<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra o gece annemi de sorduklar\u0131 i\u00e7in, annemi yurt d\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131karma karar\u0131 ald\u0131k biz. Onun pasaportlar\u0131 falan benim yan\u0131mdayd\u0131, ben ba\u015fka bir arkada\u015f\u0131m\u0131n evine b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. O gece pasaportlar\u0131 ald\u0131m, sonra u\u00e7a\u011fa bindim, annemin oldu\u011fu \u015fehre g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcm. Sonra annemin pasaportlar\u0131n\u0131 verdim. Annem G. s\u0131n\u0131r\u0131ndan y\u00fcr\u00fcyerek \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131, 7 saat boyunca T\u2019ye, T\u2019den M’ye, M’den buraya geldi ve annem tek kelime \u0130ngilizce bilmiyor. Bunlar\u0131n hepsini tek ba\u015f\u0131na yapmak zorunda kald\u0131.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra bizim evden o ak\u015fam benim telefonum, bilgisayar\u0131m, her \u015feyimi ald\u0131lar. Daha sonras\u0131nda onlari geri vermediler. Ben geri sormaya gitti\u011fim zaman da elimizde \u00f6yle bir dosya yok dediler. Ve benim 2 tane bilgisayar\u0131m, iki tane tabletim, telefonum bunlar\u0131n hi\u00e7birini geri vermediler. Konu onlar\u0131 geri alabilmek de\u011fildi ama evimize gelip kan\u0131t diye el koyduklar\u0131 \u015feyi bile daha sonra elimizde yok dediler, yani ne diyebilirim. Sonra bizim evimize el konuldu. Sonra evimizi sat\u0131\u015fa \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131lar. Tabi o s\u00fcre\u00e7te ben T\u00fcrkiye’de karde\u015fimle birlikte yaln\u0131zd\u0131m.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Karde\u015fim o zamanlar daha 18 ya\u015f\u0131ndayd\u0131, \u00fcniversiteye yeni ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Yeditepe \u00dcniversitesi’ne gidiyordu ve okulu b\u0131rakmak zorunda kald\u0131. Sonra bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te dedi\u011fim gibi hep tektim ve a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 ben dershaneye giderken a\u011fabeyim b\u0131rak\u0131r ak\u015fam \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda babam al\u0131rd\u0131. Beni boyle \u00e7ok el bebek g\u00fcl bebek yeti\u015ftirmi\u015flerdi. Ben \u0130stanbul’da ya\u015fay\u0131p ilk defa hayatimda metrobuse\u00a0 \u00fcniversitedeyken bindim. Ve arkada\u015flar\u0131m bazen dalga konusu yapard\u0131 bunu. Toplu ta\u015f\u0131maya tek ba\u015f\u0131ma binemezdim yani korkardim s\u00fcrekli arkada\u015flar\u0131m\u0131n yan\u0131mda olmas\u0131n\u0131 isterdim. Daha sonra birden bire tek ba\u015f\u0131ma bunlar\u0131 ya\u015famak zorunda kald\u0131m. \u015eehir de\u011fi\u015ftirmek zorunda kald\u0131m, yeri geldi tek ba\u015f\u0131ma bir evde kimse olmadan kalmak zorunda kald\u0131m. Bunlar\u0131n hepsi benim i\u00e7in \u00e7ok tedirgin edici ve \u00e7ok zordu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc dedi\u011fim gibi ben \u00e7ok el bebek g\u00fcl bebek yeti\u015ftirilmi\u015ftim.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u0130\u015fte her daim ailem hep yan\u0131mdayd\u0131, biz hi\u00e7 bu kadar ayr\u0131 kalmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Evet ben hizmetin okullar\u0131nda okudum. \u015eehir d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda okudum, ama hep yurttaydim. Yan\u0131mda ablalar\u0131m falan vard\u0131 bir \u015fekilde \u00e7evremde beni koruyacak insanlarla sar\u0131liyd\u0131m. Bir anda o zamanlar iste 23 ya\u015f\u0131ndayd\u0131m ve tamamen tek kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u00c7ok haz\u0131rl\u0131ks\u0131zd\u0131m b\u00f6yle bir \u015fey i\u00e7in.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Dedi\u011fim gibi benim i\u00e7in her \u015fey \u00e7ok yeniydi ve ben bir anda hayat\u0131 ya\u015famay\u0131 \u00f6\u011frenmek zorunda kald\u0131m. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ailem Amerika\u2019ya gelmi\u015flerdi ve onlar bir \u015fekilde evrak i\u015fleri olsun, burada yapmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131klar\u0131 i\u015fler olsun bir \u015feylerle bo\u011fu\u015fuyorlardi. Bir yandan da T\u00fcrkiye’de bana sahip cikmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorlard\u0131 ama olmuyordu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir yerden sonra herkes, babam\u0131n karde\u015fleri, annemin karde\u015fleri herkes tek tek sirt d\u00f6nmeye ba\u015flad\u0131. Arad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z insanlar telefonlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 a\u00e7mamaya ba\u015flad\u0131. Anl\u0131yorum yani benim korkan insanlara s\u00f6yleyecek hi\u00e7bir \u015feyim yok. Bazen insanlar boyle insanlar korktu\u011fu i\u00e7in k\u0131z\u0131yorlar ama yani neler kaybedebileceklerini biliyorlar. Hapse girme korkusu veya su bu.. Anl\u0131yorum o y\u00fczden onlara kar\u015f\u0131 hi\u00e7bir k\u0131zg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131m yok. Sadece bazen bak\u0131yorum bizimle ayn\u0131 durumda olan insanlar bile s\u0131rt \u00e7evirip vefas\u0131zl\u0131k yapm\u0131\u015flard\u0131. Darbeden sonra \u00e7ok de\u011fil iki g\u00fcn \u00f6nce, o da bizimle birlikteydi nas\u0131l yani, bizi tan\u0131yordu, bizi biliyordu senelerdir. Bizi tan\u0131yan, bilen insanlar bir anda bize hain, vatan haini, ter\u00f6rist muamelesi yapmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Buna \u00e7ok k\u0131zg\u0131nd\u0131m. C\u00fcnk\u00fc yedi\u011fimiz i\u00e7ti\u011fimiz ayr\u0131 gitmeyen insanlar bize b\u00f6yle muamele yapmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131, bizim nas\u0131l insanlar oldu\u011fumuzu biliyorlardi.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra ben o s\u00fcre\u00e7te iste \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmaya ba\u015flamak zorunda kald\u0131m. Bunlar hani b\u00f6yle belki dinlerken komik geliyor olabilir ama ben hayat\u0131m boyunca hi\u00e7 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m 23 ya\u015f\u0131na kadar. Hala \u00fcniversiteden mezun olmu\u015ftum i\u015f ar\u0131yordum, ama ailem i\u015fe girmemi istemiyordu, harcligimi onlar veriyorlardi. B\u00f6yle bir insandan, direk \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmaya\u00a0 ba\u015flamak zorunda olman her \u015feyi tek ba\u015f\u0131nda halletmek zorunda olman ve \u015f\u00f6yle s\u00f6yleyeyim ben hayat\u0131m boyunca fatura bile\u00a0 \u00f6dememi\u015ftim, hi\u00e7 hi\u00e7 yani. Ve biz ailem yurtd\u0131\u015f\u0131na gittikten sonra karde\u015fimle ayn\u0131 bu \u015fekildeydi evin faturalarini \u00f6demeyi unuttu\u011fumuz i\u00e7in elektriksiz, susuz kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k belirli bir s\u00fcre. Butun faturalar babam\u0131n \u00fczerindeydi tekrar a\u00e7t\u0131rmam\u0131z cok uzun zaman alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Sonra ev sat\u0131ld\u0131 evimizden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k falan, b\u00f6yle \u00e7ok garip \u015feyler ya\u015fam\u0131\u015ft\u0131k.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra ben tekrar vizeye girmeyi denedim. Ben Amerika\u2019da bir okuldan kabul ald\u0131m. F1 vizesini\u00a0 denedim. Daha do\u011frusu ben ilk ba\u015fta evimizi bast\u0131klar\u0131 zaman zaten vize g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmesi i\u00e7in gelmi\u015ftim. O zaman alamad\u0131m. O zaman bir dil okuluna gelmek i\u00e7in ba\u015fvurmu\u015ftum bana vize\u00a0 vermediler. Sonra annem yurtd\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131, sonra babamlar Amerika\u2019da bir i\u015f kurdu. Daha do\u011frusu sadece babam YouTube vizesi aldi falan derken karde\u015fimde Mart ay\u0131nda \u00fclkeden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 ve ben tamamen tek kald\u0131m. Ondan sonra evimiz de sat\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in bir akrabam\u0131z\u0131n yan\u0131nda kal\u0131yordum. Birinin evinde ne kadar yak\u0131n\u0131n\u0131z da olsa belirli bir yerden sonra ya\u015fam\u0131yorsunuz yani. Ve onlar da sadece aradaki annemle babamla olan hukuklar\u0131na dayanarak beni evlerine alm\u0131\u015flard\u0131. G\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f olarak tam z\u0131tt\u0131 bize.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Belirli bir yerden sonra onlarla da ya\u015famak s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 olmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Art\u0131k bir \u015fey yapmam gerekiyordu. Ya memlekete geri d\u00f6n\u00fcp teyzemin yan\u0131na yerle\u015fecektim, ya do\u011fru d\u00fczg\u00fcn bir i\u015f bulup, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben ge\u00e7ici i\u015flerde \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordum s\u00fcrekli, kendime ev tutacakt\u0131m. Bu Istanbul\u2019da \u00e7ok zor; tek ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131za bir yerde ya\u015fay\u0131p maa\u015f\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6deyip (kalmak). Oyle bir i\u015fi de bir anda bulamayaca\u011f\u0131m icin ne yapaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp duruyordum. Sonra ailem bir kez daha vizeyi denememi istedi. O ikinci kez deneyisimdi. Amerika\u2019da bir okula ba\u015fvurmu\u015ftum. Ondan kabul alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, evrak i\u015flerimi hallettim falan tekrar vizeye girdim. Vermediler bu sefer Ankara \u015fehrinden denemi\u015ftim. O g\u00fcn de hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc hayat\u0131mda ilk defa tek ba\u015f\u0131ma bir sehir de\u011fi\u015ftirdim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben \u015fehir d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda okurken bile, tatillerden d\u00f6nerken bile ailem, babam b\u0131rak\u0131rd\u0131 beni okula. Iste hayat\u0131mda ilk defa tek ba\u015f\u0131ma \u015fehir de\u011fi\u015ftirdim, u\u00e7a\u011fa bindim, Ankara\u2019ya gittim. Oradan otob\u00fcsler, \u015funlar bunlar ugrasip konsoloslu\u011fa falan gitmi\u015ftim. Orada yine bana vize vermediler ve vermedikleri i\u00e7in de annen baban Amerika\u2019dayken ve durum buyken sana vize veremeyiz diye a\u00e7\u0131k a\u00e7\u0131k s\u00f6ylediler. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u201cBize geri d\u00f6nece\u011fine dair bir garanti vermiyorsun.\u201d dediler. Ve ben vize alamayaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 artik biliyordum.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Kendim; o zaman \u015f\u00f6yle yapay\u0131m, b\u00f6yle yapay\u0131m, memleketimize\u00a0 yerle\u015feyim diye planlar yapmaya ba\u015flarken, gazetelerde haberler \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 benim aileme dair. Ben bu hemen hemen 1 y\u0131ll\u0131k s\u00fcre\u00e7te eski arkada\u015flar\u0131mdan falan kimseyle g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fm\u00fcyordum. Daha do\u011frusu g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsam da zaten g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fm\u00fcyorlard\u0131. Ben de g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131yordum a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 kimseye mesaj falan atmad\u0131m. Benimle konu\u015fmak isteyen insanlarin \u00e7o\u011fu cunku durumu az \u00e7ok biliyorlard\u0131. Dedi\u011fim gibi \u00e7ok a\u00e7\u0131k ya\u015f\u0131yorduk. Ben hizmetin yurtlar\u0131nda kal\u0131yordum, okullar\u0131na gidiyordum.. Yani herkes her \u015feyi biliyordu ve darbeden sonra \u201cA. ne oldu?\u201d deyip aray\u0131p sorabilirlerdi, ama kimse arayip sormadi, ben de kimseyi aray\u0131p sormad\u0131m. Daha sonra bu bir senelik kaldigim surecte yeni tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m insanlardan hi\u00e7 kimseye b\u00f6yle olaylardan bahsetmiyordum. Herkes \u015fey diye biliyordu ailem zaten hep yurt d\u0131\u015f\u0131ndayd\u0131, ben \u00fcniversite i\u00e7in T\u00fcrkiye’ye gelmi\u015fim gibi davran\u0131yordum. \u0130\u015fte okulum bitti ve biraz daha tak\u0131ld\u0131ktan sonra ailemin yan\u0131na geri gidece\u011fim. Yani \u00e7evremdeki herkes her \u015feyi bir yalan olarak biliyordu. Sonra g\u00f6sterildi tabi daha sonra haberlerde \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131. Benim babam, karde\u015fim, a\u011fabeyim falan resimleri ile birlikte yay\u0131nlad\u0131lar. \u0130sim, soyisim, her \u015feyle ve herkes her \u015feyi \u00f6\u011frenmi\u015f oldu.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

O g\u00fcn de haberlerin, internette alt\u0131ndaki yorumlar\u0131 okudu\u011fumu hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. Insanlar T\u00fcrkiye\u00a0 Cumhuriyeti bize izin versin hemen kafalar\u0131n\u0131 keselim, \u015funlar\u0131 yapal\u0131m, bunlar\u0131 yapal\u0131m. Etrafta bir s\u00fcr\u00fc cani, tecav\u00fczc\u00fc, \u015fu, bu hani ceza indirimi falan oluyor, ve bize vatan haini deyip kafalar\u0131n\u0131 keselim diye yorum yap\u0131yorlard\u0131 insanlar. Ve \u00e7ok can\u0131m s\u0131k\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Bu kadar a\u011f\u0131r \u015feyleri hak etmiyorduk bu kadar a\u011f\u0131r s\u00f6ylemleri bu kadar nefreti, \u00f6fkeyi… Bunlar\u0131n hi\u00e7birini hak etti\u011fimizi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fcyordum. Cogu seyde ben \u00e7ok g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc kalmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m ailemi hep telkin ettim. Ama o g\u00fcn oturup h\u00fcng\u00fcr h\u00fcng\u00fcr a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00e7ok a\u011f\u0131r gelmi\u015fti, insanlar\u0131n bu kadar kin ve nefret dolu olmas\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ger\u00e7ekten biz hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yapmad\u0131k, k\u00f6t\u00fc olan hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yapmad\u0131k ve bu kadar nefret ile dolu olmalar\u0131ni akl\u0131m alm\u0131yordu a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra tabii bu olay olduktan sonra ailem bir \u00e7\u0131kar yol aramaya ba\u015flad\u0131, beni \u00fclkeden \u00e7\u0131karmalar\u0131\u00a0 gerekti\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorlard\u0131. \u0130\u015fte sonra hadi bir kez de Istanbul\u2019dan dene dediler. Tekrar vize g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmesine girmem i\u00e7in \u0131srar ettiler. Ben biliyordum ve girmek istemiyordum \u00e7ok fazla umutlan\u0131yorlard\u0131 ve ben her vizeyi alamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m zaman onlar i\u00e7in ayr\u0131 bir \u00e7\u00f6k\u00fc\u015f oluyordu. Annem buraya geldikten sonra, zaten \u00e7ok zor gelmi\u015fti, ve geldikten 20 g\u00fcn sonra annesini kaybetti cenazesine bile gelemedi. Daha sonra babam \u00e7ok yak\u0131n 30-35 senelik iki arkada\u015f\u0131n\u0131 kaybetti \u00fcst \u00fcste. Psikolojik olarak da fiziksel olarak da \u00e7ok yorgunlardi.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ben art\u0131k daha fazla y\u0131pranmalar\u0131na istemiyordum, \u00e7ok \u0131srar ettikleri i\u00e7in yine de vizeye girdim. Tabii ki yine alamad\u0131m. Sonra abim mesaj att\u0131 dedi; b\u00f6yle b\u00f6yle bir durum var i\u015fte bir arkada\u015f\u0131m\u0131n e\u015fi s\u0131n\u0131rdan ge\u00e7ti sen de d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr m\u00fcs\u00fcn? B\u00f6yle bir \u015fey sorulunca ilk ba\u015fta biraz tedirgin oluyor insan. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc s\u0131n\u0131rdan ge\u00e7eceksin. Onlar \u015fey dedi; \u201cO iki g\u00fcn i\u00e7erisinde \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 ama senin b\u00f6yle c\u0131kamama ihtimalin var, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc hem bekars\u0131n, hem \u00e7olu\u011fun \u00e7ocu\u011fun yok.\u201d b\u00f6yle olunca muamele daha farkl\u0131 oluyor diye uyarm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 beni. O arkada\u015f\u0131n e\u015fi gibi 2 g\u00fcn de\u011fil daha fazla kalabilece\u011fimi i\u00e7eride kalma s\u00fcresinin 6 aya kadar uzayabilece\u011fini s\u00f6ylemi\u015fti. Bu da haberler hemen \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131ktan sonra zaten kendi e\u015fini \u00e7\u0131karmak ad\u0131na bir plani oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in kendisi Kanada\u2019ya ge\u00e7mi\u015fti, Amerika\u2019da de\u011fildi. Daha \u00f6nceden planlad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir \u015fey oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in haberler \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131ktan sonra hemen bana bunu s\u00f6yledi.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Yani insanlar, a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 s\u00fcrekli her ge\u00e7en g\u00fcn boyle daha fazla can s\u0131k\u0131c\u0131 bir \u015feyler oluyordu.\u00a0 S\u00fcrekli laf atanlar, sa\u00e7ma sapan tekliflerle gelen insanlar, kendilerinin ailem burada olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in \u00fczerimde s\u00f6z hakk\u0131 oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnen insanlar\u0131n sa\u00e7ma sapan teklifleri falan.. Yani dedim ya yar\u0131n \u00f6b\u00fcr g\u00fcn birisi beni \u015fikayet edecek, sirf aileme kar\u015f\u0131 uyuzlu\u011fundan ya da ba\u015fka bir \u015feyden. Yani ya da ba\u015fka bir \u015fey olacak en az\u0131ndan burada hapse girmektense burda daha baska bir sey olmasindansa, bu yolu deneyeyim.. \u00c7ok fazla uzun s\u00fcrmedi, san\u0131r\u0131m bir 15 dakika i\u00e7erisinde boyle bir seye, s\u0131n\u0131rdan ge\u00e7meye karar verdim. Ba\u015fka \u00e7arem yoktu \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc, \u00fclkede hi\u00e7 kimse kalmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ailemden tek ben vard\u0131m ve benim burada olmam onlar\u0131 psikolojik olarak \u00e7ok y\u0131prat\u0131yordu, kendimden \u00e7ok a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 onlar\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm. \u0130ngilizceleri de iyi olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in bana da \u00e7ok ihtiya\u00e7lar\u0131 vard\u0131. Ba\u015fka bir \u00e7\u0131kar yol yok gibi gelmi\u015fti. Sonra \u00fclkeden \u00e7\u0131karken ben bir arkada\u015f\u0131m\u0131 (\u00e7ok yak\u0131n olan birka\u00e7 arkada\u015f\u0131m kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 sadece ve durumu bilenlerden biriydi) uyarm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m\u00a0 \u201cYar\u0131n \u00f6b\u00fcr g\u00fcn sana ben memlekete yerle\u015fiyorum, cikacagim, gidecegim dersem bil ki ben \u00fclkeyi terk ediyorum. A\u00e7\u0131k a\u00e7\u0131k telefonda yazmam sana ama bil ki bu bu demek\u201d. Ben ona haber verdim dedim i\u015fte \u201cBen memlekete gidiyorum.\u201d bir tek zaten ona haber verdim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00fclkeden \u00e7\u0131karken ba\u015fka hi\u00e7 kimse \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p da ben gidiyorum \u015f\u00f6yle b\u00f6yle diyebilecek insanim da yoktu a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7a.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

A\u011fabeyim bana bunu s\u00f6yledikten sonra yar\u0131m saat i\u00e7erisinde u\u00e7ak biletini falan ald\u0131. Meksika\u2019ya ge\u00e7ecektim, Meksika\u2019dan da sonra Amerika\u2019ya s\u0131n\u0131rdan ge\u00e7ecektim. (Niye oldu\u011funu hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum ama) Meksika\u2019ya da vize ben alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m zaten. Elektronik vize idi hemen al\u0131nabiliyordu. Ve her \u015fey bir anda kararla\u015ft\u0131r\u0131ld\u0131. Toplam 1 saatte benim u\u00e7ak biletim falan her seyim haz\u0131rd\u0131. Ertesi sabah 7:30 bulmu\u015ftuk ve benim elimde valizim bile yoktu haz\u0131r, ama \u00fclkeden \u00e7\u0131kacakt\u0131m. \u0130\u015fte arkada\u015f\u0131ma \u00f6yle mesaj att\u0131m, tabiki de anlamam\u0131\u015f. Ona \u00f6yle bir \u015fey s\u00f6yledi\u011fimi unutmu\u015f. Ondan sonra ben \u00fclkeden \u00e7\u0131karken hi\u00e7 kimseyle g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmedim, kimseyle\u00a0 vedala\u015famad\u0131m. Sadece Kurban bayram\u0131na \u00e7ok yak\u0131n oldu\u011funu hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. Biz 20 senedir ayn\u0131 sitede oturuyorduk. C\u0131karken bek\u00e7i amcaya sey dedigimi hatirliyorum \u201cBayram tatiline memlekete gidiyorum.\u201d falan \u00f6yle bir yalan s\u00f6yleyip her \u015feyi arkamda b\u0131rak\u0131p gittim.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Benim tekrar bir abimin arkada\u015f\u0131n\u0131n e\u015fi ve iki \u00e7ocu\u011fu Meksika\u2019daydi. Onlar benden bir g\u00fcn \u00f6nce gitmi\u015fler. Onlara s\u00f6ylemi\u015fler \u201cHemen ge\u00e7meseniz bu ki\u015fide sizin yan\u0131n\u0131za gelse olur mu?\u201d diye, onlar da zaten birka\u00e7 g\u00fcn orada kalacaklarm\u0131\u015f hemen girdikleri gibi Meksika s\u0131n\u0131r\u0131ndan ge\u00e7meyeceklermi\u015f, \u201cTamam, olur.\u201d demi\u015fler. Ben gittikten sonra havaalan\u0131nda beni kar\u015f\u0131lad\u0131lar. Tabii yolculuk da benim i\u00e7in \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck bir \u015feydi, hani her yerimin tir tir titredi\u011fini hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum \u00fclkeden \u00e7\u0131karken, pasaportumu verirken \u00e7ok korktu\u011fumu ya da ne bileyim u\u00e7a\u011fa binerken falan.. Ben daha once hi\u00e7 yurtd\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, ilk defa yurtd\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yordum. Ve sey diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum, yani bakkala giderken (bile) yabanc\u0131 insanlarla kimseyle konu\u015famazd\u0131m. Bakkala ekmek almaya bile g\u00f6nderdi\u011fi zaman ailem beni, \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck bir s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 ya\u015fard\u0131m. Arkada\u015f\u0131m\u0131 s\u00fcrekli \u00e7a\u011f\u0131r\u0131rd\u0131m. \u201cBakkala gidelim, paray\u0131 sen ode.\u201d derdim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc konu\u015famazd\u0131m orada kasadaki ki\u015fiyle. Insanlarla bu \u015fekilde bir \u00e7ocuklu\u011fum oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in, bakkaldan ekmek almaya gidemeyen ben Meksika\u2019ya gidiyorum falan diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyordum. Benim i\u00e7in \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck bir ad\u0131md\u0131, resmen kendi hayat\u0131mda ca\u011f atlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra Meksika\u2019ya gittim havaalan\u0131nda onlar beni kar\u015f\u0131lad\u0131lar 3-4 g\u00fcn Cancun\u2019\u2019da kald\u0131k. Oras\u0131 cennet gibi bir yerdi ger\u00e7ekten, okyanus \u00e7evresi her sey kadar g\u00fczel ki… Ama biz bundan hi\u00e7bir zevk alam\u0131yorduk. Cocuklar \u00e7ok stresliydi. Biri 17 ya\u015f\u0131nda, biri 13 ya\u015f\u0131nda iki \u00e7ocuk vard\u0131. Abla \u00e7ok stresliydi, benim zaten durumum \u00e7ok farkl\u0131yd\u0131, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir s\u00fcre sonra s\u0131n\u0131rdan ge\u00e7ecektik ve hapse girme durumumuz vard\u0131 ve herkes \u00e7ok stresliydi. Yani o 3-4 g\u00fcne dair hat\u0131rlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m tek \u015fey kar\u0131n a\u011fr\u0131s\u0131, mide a\u011fr\u0131s\u0131. Ondan sonra biz Cancun\u2019dan Tijuana\u2019ya\u00a0 ge\u00e7tik.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra havaalan\u0131nda Tijuana\u2019da bizi biraz tuttular \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bizim turist oldu\u011fumuza inanmad\u0131lar. Bize ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131n demi\u015flerdi ama o bize biraz a\u011f\u0131r geldi\u011fi i\u00e7in biz ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 a\u00e7mam\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Tabi\u00a0 \u00f6yle olunca da bizi durdurdular. Sonra da kapal\u0131 bir insanin Tijuana\u2019ya turist olarak gelmesi onlara \u00e7ok garip geldi\u011fi i\u00e7in bizi orda belirli bir s\u00fcre tuttular. Pasaportlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 falan ald\u0131lar, en sonunda geri verdiler ama g\u00f6nderdiler. Sonra biz orada bir g\u00fcn kald\u0131k ve o g\u00fcn orada kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z (s\u00fcrede) s\u00fcrekli boyle abs\u00fcrt durumlarin i\u00e7erisine d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyorduk. Tijuana kumar oynanan bir \u015fehir oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in biz gazino gibi bir yerin i\u00e7erisine d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fck. Etraftaki insanlar, herkes \u00e7ok garipti, biz\u00a0 odadan hi\u00e7 \u00e7\u0131kmad\u0131k, ertesi g\u00fcn uyand\u0131k avukat\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 bekliyorduk. O bizi al\u0131p s\u0131n\u0131rdan \u201cM\u00fcvekkillerim buraya asylum yapmak istiyor.\u201d diye ge\u00e7irecekti.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Uyuyamam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m zaten gece, sabah saat 7’de uyand\u0131m. Avukat\u00a0 9’da gelece\u011fini s\u00f6ylemi\u015fti ama bir s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in 12’ye kadar gelemediler. O 5 saat ge\u00e7mek bilmemi\u015fti hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. Ondan sonra geldiler biz s\u0131n\u0131ra gittik, avukat\u0131m\u0131z \u201cM\u00fcvekkillerim buraya asylum yapmak istiyorlar.\u201d dedi. Sonra bizi de ald\u0131lar. Oradaki officer \u00e7ok \u015fa\u015f\u0131rm\u0131\u015ft\u0131, \u00f6nce benim orada bir \u00f6\u011frenci oldu\u011fumu g\u00f6rd\u00fcler. Ben bir okuldan kabul ald\u0131ktan sonra i\u015fte F1 vizesi i\u00e7in konsoloslu\u011fa gittim arada 3-4 g\u00fcnl\u00fck bir s\u00fcre oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in ben okula gelemiyece\u011fimi benim evraklar\u0131m\u0131, kayd\u0131m\u0131 falan iptal etmeleri gerekti\u011fini bildirememistim, unutmu\u015ftum tamamen. Ben burda \u00f6\u011frenci olarak g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyordum, ama s\u0131n\u0131rdayd\u0131m. Onlar da bir an \u015fey zannettiler okula kaydoldum, konsolosluk\u00a0 vize vermedi ben de s\u0131n\u0131rdan ge\u00e7meye geldim gibi alg\u0131lad\u0131lar. Sonra tabii ben durumu a\u00e7\u0131klamak zorunda kald\u0131m. Zaten okula kay\u0131t olmam Amerika’ya gelmek i\u00e7indi ve burada \u00f6\u011frenci oldu\u011fum halde s\u0131n\u0131rdan ge\u00e7mek zorunda kalmam hepsinin \u00e7ok garibine gitti. Bana vize vermek i\u00e7in onlarda s\u00fcrekli birbirlerine, birimden birime aktar\u0131yorlar. Surekli g\u00f6nderirken \u201cStudent here\u201d deyip duruyorlardi..<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra biz i\u00e7eriye girdik parmak izimiz al\u0131nd\u0131, foto\u011fraflar\u0131m\u0131z \u00e7ekildi, bir s\u00fcr\u00fc sorular soruldu, \u00fcst\u00fcm\u00fcz arand\u0131. \u00dcst\u00fcm\u00fcz aran\u0131rken de benimle ilgilenen officer erkekti. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 a\u00e7mam\u0131 istedi ve bana o an bilmiyorum belki ba\u015fka bir anda ba\u015fka bir sekilde mesela bir odada ba\u015f\u0131mi acip ciksaydim bu kadar zorlan\u0131r m\u0131yd\u0131m ama bir erke\u011fin \u00f6n\u00fcnde ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 a\u00e7mak zorunda kalmak o an orada \u00e7ok zor gelmi\u015fti. A\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m zaman da ben boyle hemen k\u0131pk\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 olurum.\u00a0 Ondan sonra a\u011flamamak i\u00e7in kendimi zor tutuyorum, a\u011flamak istemiyorum. Ama tabii ki k\u0131pk\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 oldum, g\u00f6zlerim doldu. Officer da kendisini \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc hissetti. D\u0131\u015far\u0131ya \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 orada ba\u015fka kad\u0131n bir officer vard\u0131. \u0130\u015fte polis memuru \u201cOnunla sen ilgilensen daha iyi olacak, kendisini\u00a0 su an iyi hissetmiyor.\u201d dedi. Onu g\u00f6nderdi i\u00e7eri. Bu davran\u0131\u015f, o an orada hapse giriyordum ama, o kadar mutlu etti ki beni, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc benim \u00fclkemde m\u00fcsl\u00fcman dedi\u011fimiz polisler o ak\u015fam benim ust\u00fcm\u00fc giymeme izin vermemi\u015flerdi ve yanlar\u0131nda bir kad\u0131n polis memuru getirmeye tenezz\u00fcl etmemi\u015flerdi. Ama i\u015fte bizim dinimizden bile olmayan, belirli bir kesimin M\u00fcsl\u00fcman de\u011fil diye hor g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc insanlar, bu hassasiyeti g\u00f6stermi\u015fti. Bana kendimi \u00e7ok iyi hissettirmi\u015fti o an \u00f6yle\u00a0 bir \u015fey yapmas\u0131.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra herkes hapse gidiyorsunuz, elinize kelep\u00e7e falan tak\u0131yorlar, hatta ayak bile\u011finize, v\u00fccudunuza zincir tak\u0131yor ama bunu herkes g\u00fcl\u00fcmseyerek yap\u0131yor. Ve bunu yaparken \u00f6z\u00fcr diliyorlar, \u201dYa ben \u00e7ok \u00f6z\u00fcr diliyorum bunu yapmak zorunday\u0131m, biliyorum b\u00f6yle bir \u015feye hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde ihtiya\u00e7 yok ama ne yaz\u0131k ki kurallar b\u00f6yle, bunu yapmak zorunday\u0131m.\u201d elinize kelep\u00e7e tak\u0131l\u0131yor ama kendinizi k\u00f6t\u00fc bile hissedemiyorsunuz. Hatta kar\u015f\u0131daki sizden \u00f6z\u00fcr diledi\u011fi i\u00e7in siz de ondan \u00f6z\u00fcr diliyorsunuz. L\u00fctfen \u00f6z\u00fcr dileme ben \u00f6z\u00fcr dilemiyorum demeye ba\u015fl\u0131yorsunuz, \u00f6yle bir durum vard\u0131.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Neyse biz i\u00e7eriye g\u00f6t\u00fcruld\u00fck; orada neler oldu\u011funu, \u00fclkeden neden \u00e7\u0131kmak zorunda kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131, b\u00fct\u00fcn hikayemi ayr\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131yla sordular. Ailemin bilgilerini istediler, onlar\u0131 aray\u0131p teyit ettiler. Sonra bizi h\u00fccrelere koydular. Bende klostrofobi var ben kapal\u0131 alanlarda duram\u0131yorum. Daha do\u011frusu klostrofobiden ziyade mesela asans\u00f6re binmek benim icin sorun olmuyor, ama asans\u00f6rde kalmak \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck bir sorun oluyor \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc o yerin kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7amayaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 veya oradan\u00a0 \u00e7\u0131kamayaca\u011f\u0131m d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmek beni \u00e7ok \u015fey yap\u0131yor. Ve biz h\u00fccreye koyuldu\u011fumuz zaman ben nefes alamamaya ba\u015flad\u0131m, kendimi \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc hissettim.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra geldiler beni geri \u00e7\u0131kartt\u0131lar, o ilk giri\u015f yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bizi arama yapt\u0131klar\u0131, sorguya \u00e7ektikleri yere geri g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcler. Birka\u00e7 saat orada durdum. Ondan sonra i\u015fte sorguya g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcld\u00fcm o ak\u015fam, sorguya g\u00f6t\u00fcruld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm zaman \u00e7ok uzun s\u00fcrd\u00fc, 4 saat falan s\u00fcrd\u00fc. Yani ben h\u00fccrede \u00e7ok fazla bir zaman ge\u00e7irmedim. Sonra sabah beni tekrar h\u00fccreye koyduklar\u0131 zaman ben tekrar kriz ge\u00e7irdim ve orada bir doktor oluyor her zaman gelen ki\u015filere bakmak, onlar\u0131 kontrol etmek, ila\u00e7lar\u0131 varsa ila\u00e7lari g\u00f6zetim i\u00e7inde vermek icin. O beni oraya geri koyamayacaklar\u0131n\u0131, kalp\u00a0 krizine kadar gidebilecek sonu\u00e7lar\u0131 oldu\u011funu s\u00f6yledi. Onlar da beni geri oraya koymad\u0131lar. \u0130\u015fte yemek saati gelip b\u00f6yle s\u00fcrekli ne yiyece\u011fimi falan soruyorlardi. Sonra orada doktor bana \u015fey dedi: \u201cBuradaki insanlar\u0131n ne kadar k\u00f6t\u00fc durumda olduklar\u0131ni seni g\u00f6rene kadar anlam\u0131yordum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc hepsi arkada h\u00fccrelerde kal\u0131yorlard\u0131 ve ben buradaki durumun ne kadar k\u00f6t\u00fc oldu\u011funu seni g\u00f6rene kadar fark etmemi\u015ftim. Burda her g\u00fcn g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcndesin.\u201c demi\u015fti. Kendisini \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc hissetmi\u015fti. Normalde s\u0131n\u0131rdan hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde d\u0131\u015far\u0131yla ileti\u015fim kurulmuyor. Oraya girdikten sonra kimseyi arayam\u0131yorsunuz, mesela o gidip \u201cAilesini arayabilir mi? \u00c7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc durumda.\u201d diye istekte bulundu.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Kurban Bayram\u0131’n\u0131n ilk g\u00fcn\u00fcyd\u00fc, ve s\u0131n\u0131rda ben 5 g\u00fcn falan kald\u0131m o h\u00fccrelere konuldu\u011fumuz yerde. Kurban Bayram\u0131’n\u0131n ilk g\u00fcn\u00fc geldi, ben kendimi s\u00fcrekli k\u00f6t\u00fc hissediyordum, s\u00fcrekli kalp \u00e7arp\u0131nt\u0131m vard\u0131, nefes almakta zorlan\u0131yordum falan, ve o g\u00fcn o da arada s\u0131rada gelip konu\u015fup beni rahatlatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu. Ben ona s\u00f6yledim ailem \u00e7ok endi\u015felenmi\u015ftir. Ben burada 2 g\u00fcn falan kald\u0131ktan sonra hapishane gibi bir yere aktar\u0131laca\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 zannediyordum ama burada \u00e7ok fazla kald\u0131m. Onlar (ailem) \u00e7ok fazla panik yapm\u0131\u015flard\u0131r, bug\u00fcn bizim i\u00e7in \u00e7ok \u00f6zel bir g\u00fcn, bug\u00fcn bizde bayram, kutlamalar falan oluyor ama ben buraday\u0131m kendini \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc hissediyorlardir diye anlatt\u0131m. O da gidip polislerden ailemi arayabilmem i\u00e7in rica etti, ama onlar kural b\u00f6yle diye izin vermediler.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ama bu ufak detaylar bile o an kendinizi \u00e7ok iyi hissetmenizi sa\u011fl\u0131yor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben 1 sene boyunca T\u00fcrkiye’deki herkesten hi\u00e7 muamelesi g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. \u0130\u015fte size s\u00fcrekli, bizim T\u00fcrkiye’de maddi durumumuz \u00e7ok iyiydi, yani para bir\u00e7ok \u015feyi tolere ediyormu\u015f. Bunu, biraz ge\u00e7 kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m ama 23 ya\u015f\u0131nda \u00f6\u011frendim. \u0130nsanlar\u0131n tav\u0131rlar\u0131 cebinizde para olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 zaman ve kendileri sizden y\u00fcksek g\u00f6rebilecekleri bir konuma geldikleri zaman \u00e7ok korkun\u00e7 bir \u015fekilde de\u011fi\u015febiliyor ve benim anlamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir \u015fekilde size k\u00f6t\u00fc muamele yapabileceklerini hissettikleri zaman sonuna kadar yapabiliyorlar. Hani incitecek s\u00f6zleri s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorlar, \u00fcstten bak\u0131\u015f at\u0131yorlar, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131 ile bile sizi rahats\u0131z edebiliyorlar, yeter ki sizden daha y\u00fcksek olduklar\u0131n\u0131 hissetsinler. Sonra bu tarz \u015feyler kendimi \u00e7ok iyi hissetmemi sa\u011flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131, bu kadar hassasiyet g\u00f6stermeleri.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Orada T\u00fcrk\u00e7e bilen bir officer vard\u0131 polis memuru, surekli o gelip benimle T\u00fcrk\u00e7e konu\u015fmaya falan \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu. Orada komik bir an\u0131m var, onu da anlatay\u0131m. Benim \u00fczerimde \u00fczerinde \u0130ngilizce seyler yazan -o benim pijamamdi, asl\u0131nda ama ben \u00e7ok \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm i\u00e7in bir \u015fey daha giyebilir miyim valizimden dedim, onlar da nasil desem \u00f6n\u00fc fermuarl\u0131 veya d\u00fc\u011fmeli bir \u015fekilde a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131p kapanacak bir \u015fey giymenizi istemiyorlar. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc onu \u00fcst\u00fcn\u00fczden \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131p ba\u015fka birini\u00a0 bo\u011fabilirsiniz. Bu \u015fekilde tehlikeye yol a\u00e7abilecek hi\u00e7bir \u015feye izin vermiyorlar. O y\u00fczden e\u015farb\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kartt\u0131lar, ayakkab\u0131 ba\u011fc\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z, kemerlerimiz,… Ba\u015fkalar\u0131na zarar verebilece\u011fimiz her \u015feyi \u00e7\u0131kart\u0131yorlard\u0131. Ve benim de k\u0131yafetlerimin hepsi g\u00f6mlek veya h\u0131rkayd\u0131 hi\u00e7birini giymeme izin vermediler. Bir tek pijamam vard\u0131 onun \u00fczerinde de bir s\u00fcr\u00fc \u0130ngilizce yaz\u0131 vard\u0131, onu\u00a0 giymeme izin verdiler. \u0130\u015fte ba\u015f\u0131m a\u00e7\u0131k orada oturuyorum alt\u0131mda bir kot pantolon var. Sonra i\u00e7eriye biri girdi, b\u00f6yle bol pa\u00e7a pantolon giymi\u015f, bo\u011fazl\u0131 badi giymi\u015f onun \u00fczerinde ba\u015fka bir tunik var ve s\u00fcrekli sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 geriye atmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. Dedim \u201cBu da abla\u201d yani \u201cBu da bizden\u201d.\u00a0 Ondan sonra geldi i\u00e7eriye, onu bekleme k\u0131sm\u0131na oturttular, orada yatt\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in, beni h\u00fccreye koymad\u0131klar\u0131 i\u00e7in her gelen ge\u00e7eni g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum. \u201cNerelisiniz?\u201d diye sordum \u201cT\u00fcrk’\u00fcm.\u201c dedi. Ondan sonra ben de \u201cT\u00fcrk’\u00fcm.\u201c diye tepki verince, benim ad\u0131m\u0131 s\u00f6yledi ben \u015fok oldum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc d\u00fcnyan\u0131n \u00f6b\u00fcr ucunday\u0131m, hapisteyim ve kar\u015f\u0131mda ki\u015fi ad\u0131m\u0131 s\u00f6yl\u00fcyor, benim daha \u00f6nce hi\u00e7 g\u00f6rmedi\u011fim biri, sonra avukat\u0131m\u0131z ayn\u0131ym\u0131\u015f, avukat\u0131m\u0131z onunla bana selam g\u00f6ndermi\u015f. \u201cKendini k\u00f6t\u00fc hissetmesin, ben her g\u00fcn aray\u0131p onun hakk\u0131nda bilgi al\u0131yorum, \u00e7ok yak\u0131nda \u00e7\u0131kacak oradan.\u201d falan \u015feklinde haber g\u00f6ndermi\u015f. Ondan sonra, oradan \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131ktan sonra da hala kendisi ile ileti\u015fimde kald\u0131k. B\u00f6yle i\u015fte, konu\u015fup g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm biri hala, yani d\u00fcnyan\u0131n \u00f6b\u00fcr ucunda bile kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fabiliyorsunuz.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra ben 5 g\u00fcn kald\u0131m. 6. g\u00fcn bizi \u00e7\u0131kartacaklardi ordan. Art\u0131k normalde hi\u00e7 yapmamalar\u0131 gereken \u015feyleri yap\u0131yorlard\u0131, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc benim durumum \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fcyd\u00fc herhalde. O g\u00fcn ba\u015fka bir polis memuru geldi bana dedi ki \u201cBug\u00fcn \u00e7\u0131kacaks\u0131n.\u201d, art\u0131k \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc uyuyam\u0131yorum, yemek yiyemiyorum ve art\u0131k yemek yemem i\u00e7in bile seferber olmu\u015flard\u0131. Mesela sabah kahvalt\u0131da m\u0131s\u0131r gevre\u011fi yiyordum, s\u0131rf sabah kahvalt\u0131s\u0131nda onu yedi\u011fimi g\u00f6rd\u00fckleri i\u00e7in \u00f6\u011fle yeme\u011finde veya ak\u015fam yeme\u011finde bana s\u00fcrekli m\u0131s\u0131r gevre\u011fi getiriyorlard\u0131. Halbuki ben uyuyup uyan\u0131nca sanirim yiyebiliyordum. Ondan sonra s\u00fcrekli d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmekten, s\u00fcrekli panik olmaktan falan i\u015ftah\u0131m kapan\u0131yordu. Onlar da s\u00fcrekli bir \u015feyler yemem i\u00e7in ellerinden geleni yap\u0131yorlard\u0131. Neyse en sonunda gelip bana o g\u00fcn \u00e7\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 s\u00f6yledi. Daha do\u011frusu ba\u015fka bir yere aktar\u0131laca\u011f\u0131m\u0131, d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kmayacakt\u0131m yani ailemin yan\u0131na gelmeyecektim. Sonra ak\u015fam bizi s\u0131raya dizdiler 6 ki\u015fi, bir \u00e7anta var \u00e7antadan da s\u00fcrekli \u015f\u0131ng\u0131r \u015f\u0131ng\u0131r ses geliyor ama benim akl\u0131m\u0131n ucundan ge\u00e7medi, ellerimizi kelep\u00e7eliyeceklerini\u00a0 biliyordum ama hani v\u00fccudumuza zincir takip o zinciri i\u015fte ayak bileklerimizle kelep\u00e7eyle ba\u011flayacaklar\u0131 falan akl\u0131m\u0131n ucundan ge\u00e7memi\u015fti b\u00f6yle bir \u015fey, ben \u015fok oldum. Tabii benim tepkimi g\u00f6rd\u00fckten sonra hani b\u00f6yle s\u00fcrekli \u00f6z\u00fcr dilemeye falan ba\u015flad\u0131 \u201c\u00d6z\u00fcr dilerim biliyorum bunun gereksiz oldu\u011funu\u201d (diyordu). Bir de \u015f\u00f6yle bir durum var, oradaki officerlar herkesin hikayesini biliyor, herkesin dosyasini okuyorlar ve a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 s\u0131n\u0131r \u00e7ok suistimal ediliyor. Mesela arkada\u015flar\u0131 ile yeme\u011fe \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f gibi i\u015fte oradan gidip s\u0131n\u0131rdan ge\u00e7meye karar veriyorlar bir anda. Cok garip nedenlerle geliyorlar, erkek arkada\u015f\u0131m s\u00fcrekli beni d\u00f6v\u00fcyor art\u0131k orada kalamam diye s\u0131n\u0131rdan ge\u00e7meye karar veriyorlar mesela. \u0130\u015fte bu b\u00f6yle olunca onlar\u0131n da tav\u0131rlar\u0131 farkl\u0131 farkl\u0131 oluyor insanlara ve hepsi benim hikayemi bildi\u011fi i\u00e7in zaten s\u00fcrekli g\u00f6zlerinin \u00f6n\u00fcnde oldu\u011fum i\u00e7in bana tav\u0131rlar\u0131 biraz farkl\u0131yd\u0131. Ondan sonra \u201cBiliyorum bunun \u00e7ok gereksiz oldu\u011funu, biliyorum ama yine de bu kelep\u00e7eyi takmak zorunday\u0131m.\u201d\u00a0 bir s\u00fcr\u00fc \u00f6z\u00fcr dileyerek kelep\u00e7eyi takt\u0131lar. Ben de \u015feyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum bunu hak eden insanlar bile T\u00fcrkiye’de bunu ya\u015famad\u0131lar. Biz ne yapt\u0131k da su an ayaklar\u0131ma kadar kelep\u00e7eleniyorum. O an s\u00fcrekli i\u00e7imden bunlar\u0131n ge\u00e7ti\u011fini hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra bizi su\u00e7lu arabas\u0131na bindirdiler, filmlerde g\u00f6r\u00fclen celik arabalar. Ba\u015fka da bir yere aktard\u0131lar. Orada ailemi aramama izin verdiler, birka\u00e7 saat bekledik. \u00c7ok so\u011fuktu, onu hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. Hayat\u0131mda hi\u00e7 \u00fc\u015f\u00fcmedi\u011fim kadar \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fcm, o kadar \u00e7ok \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fcm, \u201cBen yaz mevsimini hi\u00e7 sevmem bir daha s\u0131caktan asla \u015fikayet etmeyece\u011fim.\u201d diyordum o kadar \u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm. Tabii daha sonra s\u0131caktan \u015fikayet\u00e7i oldum ama, o an onu hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Tuvaletler a\u00e7\u0131kt\u0131, herkesin g\u00f6z\u00fc \u00f6n\u00fcnde tuvalete gitmek zorunda kal\u0131yordum. Bu Amerika filmlerinde g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fcz hapishane durumu i\u015fte, bunlar bizim i\u00e7in \u00e7ok zordu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc yabanc\u0131 insanlar \u00e7ok rahat gidip tuvaleti kullan\u0131labiliyordu, ama benim i\u00e7in \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck sorun oluyordu. Oradaki insanlara arkalar\u0131n\u0131 d\u00f6nmelerini veya g\u00f6zlerini kapamallar\u0131n\u0131 falan istiyordum, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc yeti\u015ftirilme tarz\u0131m\u0131z, dinimiz, her\u015feyimiz geregi mahrem alg\u0131s\u0131yla b\u00fcy\u00fcm\u00fc\u015f\u00fcz. Birisinin \u00f6n\u00fcnde tuvalete gitmek o kadar zordu ki benim i\u00e7in, ger\u00e7ekten \u015fu an bile hat\u0131rlarken \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc hissediyorum kendimi.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra oradan ba\u015fka bir yere aktar\u0131ldik, tekrar kelep\u00e7elenme s\u00fcreci falan filan.. Sonra detention\u00a0 center\u2019a aktar\u0131ldik, 5 saat o su\u00e7 arabas\u0131 gibi dedi\u011fimiz celik arabalarda gittik elimiz, aya\u011f\u0131m\u0131z kelep\u00e7eli 6 ki\u015fi, sonra oraya aktar\u0131ld\u0131k. Orada tek tek b\u00fct\u00fcn valizlerimizi, her \u015feyimizi arad\u0131lar, \u00fcst\u00fcm\u00fczu arad\u0131lar. Ondan sonra bize bu hapishane \u00fcniformas\u0131 dedikleri \u00fcniformalardan verdiler.\u00a0 Onlardan giydik. Sonra o kogus dedigimiz seye girdik, toplu yatakhaneler olur ya\u00a0 o tarzdayd\u0131. B\u00f6yle 100 ki\u015filik 50 tane ranza vard\u0131, \u00f6yle bir yere girdik.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra i\u015fte ben ailemi falan arad\u0131m, ben ailemi arad\u0131\u011f\u0131mda \u00e7ok sinirliydim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben \u015fey dedim \u201cBana iki g\u00fcn burada kalaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 s\u00f6ylediniz ben 5 g\u00fcn kald\u0131m, buradan ne zaman \u00e7\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bilmiyorum.\u201d falan onlara \u00e7ok sitem ettim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc oradaki durumun \u00f6yle olaca\u011f\u0131 bana s\u00f6ylenmemi\u015fti. Tuvaletler olsun, \u015funlar olsun, bunlar olsun. E\u011fer bilseydim sorun olmazd\u0131, hani kendimi psikolojik olarak haz\u0131rlayabilirdim, ama o an kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fmak h\u00fccreye koyulaca\u011fimi bilmek, tuvaletlerin bu \u015fekilde olmas\u0131 falan.. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ne bileyim \u00f6nceden bilseydim ger\u00e7ekten \u00f6yle olmazd\u0131, ama o an her \u015feyle yeni bir \u015feymi\u015f gibi kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fmak \u00e7ok s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 olmu\u015ftu benim i\u00e7in, her an ayr\u0131 bir \u015foktu.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra onlar yan\u0131ma gelmeye beni ziyaret etmeye karar verdiler. C\u00fcnk\u00fc ziyaret edebiliyorlard\u0131 ama onlar Connecticut\u2019talardi ve\u00a0 ben California’dayd\u0131m. U\u00e7ak biletleri gidi\u015f d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f 2 bin dolari\u00a0 ge\u00e7iyordu. Ben gelmemelerini s\u00f6yledim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc yar\u0131n \u00f6b\u00fcr g\u00fcn kefaletle serbest kalma durumum olursa yine y\u00fckl\u00fc miktarda paraya ihtiya\u00e7lar\u0131 olacakt\u0131. Onu u\u00e7ak biletine harcamalarini istemedim.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra ben 33 g\u00fcnde orada kald\u0131m, detention center da. Detention Center’da kal\u0131rken psikolojik olarak hapiste olman\u0131n verdi\u011fi zorluk d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda pek bir zorluk ya\u015famad\u0131m. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben lisede de yurtta kal\u0131rken de bilgisayar, telefon her \u015fey yasakt\u0131 ciddi manada, orada da telefon yok, bilgisayar yok, ailemi ankes\u00f6rl\u00fc telefondan istedi\u011fim zaman arayabiliyorum, toplu televizyonlar var istedi\u011fimiz zaman ge\u00e7ip televizyon a\u00e7\u0131p izleyebiliyoruz. Sabah gazete geliyor gazeteyi okuyoruz falan, spor aletleri var bah\u00e7eye \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p spor yapabiliyorsunuz. O y\u00fczden fiziksel olarak beni \u00e7ok zorlayan bir \u015fey olmad\u0131 ama psikolojik olarak hapiste olman\u0131n verdigi s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fckt\u00fc. Bir de ben de anksiyete var. Mesela bir \u015feyin sonunun iyi olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilsem bile o \u015fey ger\u00e7ekle\u015fene kadar g\u00f6rmedigim surece s\u00fcrekli kendimi yiyip bitiriyorum. Ve art\u0131k uyumak uyanmak butun bunlar \u00e7ok sorun olmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Sonra onlar da bana psikolog g\u00f6zetimi alt\u0131nda ila\u00e7 vermeye ba\u015flad\u0131lar. Ama o zaman da s\u00fcrekli uykulu hissediyordum. O y\u00fczden ila\u00e7lar\u0131 da almak istemedim.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u0130\u015fte hapishanede de bir g\u00fcn\u00fcm \u015f\u00f6yle ge\u00e7iyordu. Sabah alt\u0131da uyand\u0131r\u0131yorlardi bizi, kahvalt\u0131ya gitmek zorundas\u0131n\u0131z, g\u00fcnde \u00fc\u00e7 \u00f6\u011f\u00fcn yemek oluyordu, sabah 6 da uyan\u0131yorduk kahvalt\u0131ya gidiyorduk. Benim kahvalt\u0131ya gitmemin tek sebebi (<\/span>s\u00fctt\u00fc<\/span><\/i>). Her sabah s\u00fct veriyorlard\u0131, sut icip geri d\u00f6n\u00fcyordum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben kahvalt\u0131 yapabilen bir insan de\u011filim ve alt\u0131da kalkmak i\u00e7in \u00e7ok erken bir saat a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131, gidiyordum bir bardak s\u00fct i\u00e7iyordum geri geliyordum. Sonra yat\u0131yordum saat sekiz gibi tekrar kalk\u0131yordum, kahve yap\u0131yordum kendime. Orada hapishanenin bir sistemi var o sistemden ankes\u00f6rl\u00fc telefonla arayarak belirli tu\u015flar\u0131 tu\u015flayarak kendinize haftal\u0131k olarak bir \u015feyler sat\u0131n alabiliyorsunuz. Bir liste var o listeden se\u00e7ebiliyorsunuz satin alabilece\u011finiz \u015feyleri. Ben kahve alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, kahvemi yap\u0131yordum, gazeteler oluyordu gazeteleri okuyordum. Her gun 2 saatlik sadece 9’la 11 aras\u0131 bah\u00e7eye \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f vardi. 9’dan 11’e kadar bah\u00e7ede oluyordum, California oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in bah\u00e7e de \u00e7ok s\u0131caklam\u0131\u015f oluyordum. Ama yine de detention center’\u0131n i\u00e7i \u00e7ok so\u011fuk oluyordu, surekli \u00fc\u015f\u00fcyorduk. Sonra i\u00e7eriye geliyordum, ailemi ar\u0131yordum. Onlarla konu\u015fuyordum. Bazen du\u015fa giriyordum, bazen arkada\u015flarla oturup, di\u011fer oradaki insanlarla oturup, s\u0131nav haftas\u0131ndan \u00f6nce hani herkes s\u0131nav notlar\u0131 konu\u015fur ya i\u015fte detention center o \u015fekilde, herkes davas\u0131 ile ilgili bir \u015fey konu\u015fuyor. Herkes i\u015fte \u015f\u00f6yle bir \u015fey oldu, b\u00f6yle bir kan\u0131t\u0131m var, i\u015fte bug\u00fcn bir arkada\u015f\u0131m mahkemeye \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131, orada \u015f\u00f6yle olmu\u015f, b\u00f6yle olmu\u015f s\u00fcrekli davalar\u0131m\u0131z hakk\u0131nda konu\u015fuyorduk. S\u00fcrekli herkes kendi hik\u00e2yesinden bir \u015feyler anlat\u0131yordu. Oyunlar vard\u0131 domino, uno falan o tarz oyunlar\u0131 oynay\u0131p vakit ge\u00e7irmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorduk. Neyse saat 12:30\u2019da veya 12’de de\u011fi\u015fiyordu, orada 4 ko\u011fu\u015f vard\u0131 i\u015fte a,b,c,d,e diye gidiyordu. Her g\u00fcn temizli\u011fi biz yap\u0131yorduk. Her g\u00fcn temizli\u011fi biz yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z i\u00e7in sonra ko\u011fu\u015flar\u0131 kontrol etmeye geliyorlard\u0131. Temizlik s\u0131ralamas\u0131na g\u00f6re yeme\u011fe gidiyorduk. Temizlikte birinci olduysak 12’de \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yoruz, 2 .olduysak 12:15 falan. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc tek bir yemekhane vard\u0131 ve d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcml\u00fc olarak kullan\u0131l\u0131yordu koguslar. Neyse bu \u015fekil 12:00 veya 12:30 olmak \u00fczere de\u011fi\u015fiyordu ve yeme\u011fe girdi\u011finizde de \u00e7ok h\u0131zl\u0131 yemeniz gerekiyordu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc s\u00fcrekli orada karga\u015falar yemekhanede \u00e7\u0131kart\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in bizi yemekhanede \u00e7ok tutmuyorlardi. Maximum 10 dakikada yemek yeme i\u015fimiz bitmi\u015f oluyordu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc oturdu\u011fumuz gibi \u201cHadi \u00e7abuk bitirin ko\u011fu\u015fa geri d\u00f6neceksiniz.\u201c diye anons yapmaya ba\u015fl\u0131yorlard\u0131. Ondan sonra \u00f6\u011flen yeme\u011fe gidip geliyorduk, \u00f6\u011flen bir bu\u00e7uk, iki aras\u0131 tekrar bir bah\u00e7eye \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f oluyordu yarim saatlik.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ben \u00e7\u0131kabildim, her an s\u00fcrekli \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yordum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc i\u00e7eride pencere yoktu ve ben hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum ilk gitti\u011fim bir hafta hi\u00e7 d\u0131\u015far\u0131ya \u00e7\u0131kmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc kendimi \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc hissediyordum ve insan g\u00fcn \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6zl\u00fcyor, gun \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n k\u0131ymetini bilmek gerek. O y\u00fczden \u00e7\u0131kabildigim her anda d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yordum.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Haftal\u0131k olarak sizi doktor kontrollerine g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcyorlard\u0131, ba\u015fka yani e\u011fer temizlikte birinci olduysan\u0131z o hafta size m\u0131s\u0131r da\u011f\u0131t\u0131p kola da\u011f\u0131t\u0131p film izlemenize izin veriyorlard\u0131. Haftada bir kere toplu olarak bir alanda b\u00f6yle \u015feyleri vard\u0131. Ama herkesin davran\u0131\u015f\u0131 b\u00fct\u00fcn polis memurlar\u0131n\u0131n davran\u0131\u015flar\u0131, size kar\u015f\u0131 \u00e7ok nazik oluyor. Herkes s\u00fcrekli g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u00fcyor, s\u00fcrekli gelip nas\u0131l oldu\u011funuzu falan soruyorlar ve bunlar benim \u00e7ok ilgincime gitmi\u015fti. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc hapse girmeyi beklerken, b\u00f6yle insanlar\u0131n sert olmas\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131 beklerken, \u00e7ok insani muamele ile kar\u015f\u0131la\u015ft\u0131m.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

33 g\u00fcn orada kald\u0131ktan sonra ailemin yan\u0131na geldim. Bir markette \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordum, kasiyerlik yap\u0131yordum ama oradan \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc Kas\u0131m’da s\u0131nava girmeyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum ve s\u0131nav\u0131ma odaklanmam gerekiyor. Darbeden sonra bir\u00e7ok akrabam\u0131zla g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmemeye ba\u015flad\u0131k, daha do\u011frusu onlar bizimle g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmemeye ba\u015flad\u0131. \u015eu anda da a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 her \u015fey eskisi gibi olsa bizimle g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmeye kalksalar, b\u00fct\u00fcn her \u015fey d\u00fczelmi\u015f olsa bile ben onlarla g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fur muyum bilmiyorum.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Benim ge\u00e7ti\u011fimiz 4 sene i\u00e7erisinde pi\u015fmanl\u0131\u011f\u0131m; nas\u0131l desem ben \u00e7ok fazla bo\u015f bir hayat ge\u00e7iriyormu\u015fum, \u00e7ok bencil ve kendi d\u00fcnyamda bir hayat ge\u00e7iriyormu\u015fum insanlar ad\u0131na hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yapm\u0131yormu\u015fum. Su an avukat olmak istememin en b\u00fcy\u00fck sebeplerinden biri de bu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc detention center\u2019da insanlar\u0131n avukatlar y\u00fcz\u00fcnden ma\u011fdur edildi\u011fini g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Avukat olup olabildi\u011fince insana yard\u0131mc\u0131 olmak istiyorum bu konuda. \u0130mmigration konusunda pi\u015fmanl\u0131\u011f\u0131m bu a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc 23 sene bombo\u015f bir hayat bir ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f\u0131m gibi hissediyorum.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Yani benim \u015fu anki \u00f6fke, endi\u015fe, hayal k\u0131r\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131m; yani insanlar\u0131n vefas\u0131zl\u0131klar\u0131na cok k\u0131rg\u0131n\u0131m a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131. Korktuklar\u0131 i\u00e7in bir \u015feyler yapmamalar\u0131 falan veya -bunlari anlay\u0131\u015fla kar\u015f\u0131layabiliyorum ama- i\u015fin ba\u015fka bir boyutu vefas\u0131zl\u0131k var. Bu benim insanlara olan g\u00fcvenimi \u00e7ok fazla zedeledi. O y\u00fczden a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 \u00e7ok da k\u0131zg\u0131n de\u011filim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc T\u00fcrkiye’de ya\u015famak \u00e7ok zor su anda ve insanlar kendi hayatlar\u0131 i\u00e7in yapmalar\u0131 gereken \u015feyi yap\u0131yorlar.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ben darbeden sonra ailemi, ilk defa buraya geldi\u011fim zaman g\u00f6rd\u00fcm, babam\u0131. \u015eey hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum, benim babam\u0131n arkada\u015flar\u0131 falan hep babam\u0131n ya\u015flanmamas\u0131 ile ilgili dalga ge\u00e7erlerdi. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc sa\u00e7lar\u0131 hi\u00e7 beyazlam\u0131yordu, T\u00fcrkiye’den \u00e7\u0131karken de sa\u00e7\u0131nda hi\u00e7 beyazlari yoktu. U\u00e7aktan indim onlar beni kar\u015f\u0131lad\u0131lar, babam\u0131n sa\u00e7lar\u0131 bembeyaz olmu\u015ftu, bembeyaz dedi\u011fim hani grile\u015fmi\u015fti ve o an orada kendimi a\u011flamamak i\u00e7in zor tuttum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc babam benim 58 ya\u015f\u0131ndaydi ve 1 sene i\u00e7erisinde olmu\u015ftu, bildi\u011finiz b\u00f6yle ya\u015flanm\u0131\u015f, \u00e7\u00f6km\u00fc\u015f bir haldeydi. \u0130lk o an i\u015fte onlar\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm zaman \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc hissetmi\u015ftim, sonra buraya geldim.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yeni bir hayata al\u0131\u015fmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum, bir hayat \u00e7abas\u0131.. Simdi geldi\u011fimden itibaren direkt \u015fey ba\u015flad\u0131, senin gelmeni bekliyorduk \u015funu halletmek i\u00e7in, senin gelmeni bekliyorduk bunu halletmek i\u00e7in. \u015eimdi \u015funu yapaca\u011f\u0131z, \u015furaya gidelim. Geldi\u011fim g\u00fcnden beri s\u00fcrekli b\u00f6yle, yani\u00a0 2017’de geldim 2 sene olacak. Onceden ailede hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yapm\u0131yordum, onlar benim i\u00e7in her \u015feyi yap\u0131yordu ama \u015fimdi konum biraz tam tersi oldu. S\u00fcrekli \u0130ngilizceden dolay\u0131 evrak i\u015fleri olsun, su bu olsun her \u015feyi ben halletmek zorunday\u0131m. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc yapam\u0131yorlar ve bu konuda da sitem gibi alg\u0131lanmas\u0131n yanl\u0131\u015f anla\u015f\u0131ls\u0131n istemiyorum, s\u00fcrekli bir \u015feyleri hemen hallediyorum. Su anda dedi\u011fim gibi \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmak, kendi param\u0131 kazanmak zorunday\u0131m. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc babam tek ba\u015f\u0131na \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 zaman, hepimiz de yard\u0131mc\u0131 olam\u0131yoruz. Karde\u015fim \u015fu an okula gidiyor ve yan\u0131nda da \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor ama yeterli olmuyor Amerika’da ne yaz\u0131k ki. Ba\u015fka su an ailede bu \u015fekilde, \u00f6nceden hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yapmayan her \u015feyi halledilen bir k\u0131z \u00e7ocu\u011fu, \u015fu an her \u015feyi ben hallediyorum. Babama, anneme, karde\u015fime her konuda ben yard\u0131m ediyorum, etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum ve i\u015fte burada yeni bir hayata hala uyum sa\u011flamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum, bu kadar.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
Copyrighted to Undaunted Voices of Turkey<\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In this story, you will meet a young girl who never had to work, ride public transportation by herself, or pay a bill in her whole life until her parents and siblings had to flee the country. She shares the challenges she faced while living in Turkey all alone and how she crossed the Mexican […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6241,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7],"tags":[21,9,32,14],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/372"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6241"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=372"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/372\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":373,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/372\/revisions\/373"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=372"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=372"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=372"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}