{"id":370,"date":"2021-04-23T21:57:08","date_gmt":"2021-04-24T01:57:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/?p=370"},"modified":"2021-04-23T21:57:08","modified_gmt":"2021-04-24T01:57:08","slug":"interview-12","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/2021\/04\/23\/interview-12\/","title":{"rendered":"Interview #12"},"content":{"rendered":"

She wouldn\u2019t know that her last birthday in Turkey would be the beginning of unprecedented events and a new life for her and her son in a foreign country. While debating herself to leave behind her husband imprisoned or taking her son to a safer country, she didn\u2019t know that her husband had already seen them leaving Turkey in his dream even before she told him so. In their last family hug on that day, the only bond was their son between her and her beloved husband as they were not allowed to touch each other. Now in a new country, she is doing her best to build a new life for her son and make everything ready for her husband with the hope that he can, too, join them one day.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Back to list of interviews<\/a><\/p>\n

English Translation:<\/strong><\/p>\n

(1)<\/b><\/p>\n

I am giving permission to record my voice during this interview. Before the July 15 coup attempt, the political climate in Turkey was already very intense. The political intensity was even affecting family relations. Even before July 15, we were highly anxious, and concerned at our homes. And on that day, a day which one cannot forget forever. We did not realize what was happening at the beginning. We were home. We were chatting with some friends but no one knew anything about the events. Then, we heard the rumors that a coup had happened. Close to midnight, we were certain that a coup attempt had been made, or was in progress. I could not forget the fear and horror we felt at home at that moment. People were walking with clubs in their hands. They passed by our house. All the streets were closed. Some people with clubs, some people with guns, passed by. Then, we saw the fights and killings on TV.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

No one had any idea what was happening there. With one call (by the president), people fled out onto the streets. We did not go anywhere that day. Next day, we visited a friend. What was going on? What should we do? Everyone was so confused. No one knew what to do. I could not forget the following about that day. We got out of the car, and started walking. Another car passed by. They were going to the celebrations. The guy in the car told me something, but I did not notice at the time, I was lost in thought. Then, he got angry, and came at me because I did not respond to him. It was as if people lost their minds and became inhuman. To be able to walk on the streets, you must have a flag in your hand, and join a celebrating group. Everywhere was just like that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Afterwards, we started to hear bad news about the people we love – like they were tortured. Almost all of my friends were gone. I heard the news about them one by one, but I could not do anything to help them. That was the most painful thing I felt at that time. We were like brothers, sisters, but I could not help or visit them. We were in a situation where we were not able to walk on the streets freely. It felt like we were marked, and we would be attacked if they found us. The streets we walked down everyday, the people we smiled at everyday, our long-time neighbors. The people we knew very well\u2026 Then, \u201cThey will be executed, they won\u2019t even be given water.\u201d (A quote by the president of Turkey for Gulenists)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

(2)<\/b><\/p>\n

The hardest thing for me after that night was not being able to reach my closest friends, not being able to help them when they needed it. We were getting bad news about them, but we could not do anything. We were hearing that they were arrested and tortured, but we could not help them at all. We could not go on the streets, as it felt like we would be attacked because we belonged to that group (Gulen\/Hizmet Movement). We were locking ourselves at home with that fear. It was quite an uncomfortable feeling. I remember that I could not sleep after 3-4am until 7-8am. This is because we heard the arrests were happening at that time period. The police raids were happening at that time. We were waiting for that critical period to pass in order to go to sleep. I remember that I could not sleep at all some days. In the first days, the emotions were so intense, there was no way to sleep. I remember that I found myself unconsciously walking back and forth on the hallway in the first days. The events happening in our country were completely inconceivable. it was inconceivable to see our beloved friends being arrested and tortured. It was completely terrifying. We heard that some of our friends were brutally tortured and they passed away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I was supposed to have medical surgery a couple of weeks after July 15, and I went to another city because of that. I was going to get my surgery in a specialized hospital that was affiliated with Hizmet Movement, but my husband was concerned that they might seize the hospital, and I couldn’t get the surgery in that hospital. Because of that, we went to our hometown, and I got the surgery there. Surprisingly, my husband was right about his concern. That hospital was seized on the same exact day that I was planning to get my surgery. It was in the news that some of the cardiology patients were left unattended without taking the operation. I stayed in our hometown for a while after the surgery. It was a terrible period for me. I was able to communicate with my husband only by phone. Sometimes, I could not reach him. At those times, I was assuming the worst, like \u201cHe was arrested, and I would not be able to see him again.\u201d It was terrifying. One time, he forgot his phone at home. That day felt too long, I was completely convinced that he was arrested, and I would not be able to reach him again. When someone got arrested, it was impossible to reach them again. It was terrifying.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When I got back to the city of X, everything was the same. While some people were still celebrating on the streets, others were in terrible pain. We were not able to express ourselves in any way. It was quite an experience. It was very hard to describe. I was constantly insisting to my husband to flee the country. \u201cWe should flee while we can.\u201d However, my husband was waiting for our friends in jail. He said that when our friends are released, we will be here, and we will tell them, \u201cWe are here! We waited for you!\u201d If we leave the country, who will be here to support them when they are out? Then, I will never forget a Saturday. I told my husband, \u201cI have a feeling that we should stay at home tomorrow. We should not go out.\u201d He said \u201cOK, let\u2019s stay home tomorrow.\u201d Then, the next day, our doorbell rang. Two of our friends came. Their spouses were in jail, and we could not communicate with them for months. I cannot forget that day. I told my husband, too. I felt that happy once before in my life and it was when I learned that I was pregnant. I am very honest about this. We sat down with them for hours, but we barely spoke to each other. We stared at each other and hugged. I told them, \u201cPeople might try to separate us from our beloved ones, and they can indeed do that. However, May Allah not separate us in the hereafter.\u201d This is my biggest prayer these days. May Allah keep us together in the hereafter.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A couple of weeks passed. It was my birthday. My husband bought some stuff for a celebration in the evening. When we were about to start celebrating, the doorbell rang. We peeked out the window, and realized that the cops were there. My husband did not believe it. I told him that there they were. Yes, they were here. All the cops who came were high-ranking officers. Police chiefs, captains, sergeants. Our neighbors heard the noise. I believe these were the scenes one could not forget forever. I took my son to another room. They told us that they would make a search of our home. It was a very different feeling. They were searching our kitchen, living room. These were OK, but when they entered our bedroom with an insulting behavior, it was unbearable. They searched our home with insults, and provocative behavior. I told them, \u201cWe worked day and night for this country, but now you are labeling us as terrorists. What a shame!\u201d I don\u2019t want to remember that night. I prepared a small bag for my husband. After long arguments, I could barely learn where they were taking him to. Then, they went to my husband\u2019s workplace for another search. It was about midnight when they left our house.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I told my son, \u201cYour father is going to work with these men. He will stay with them for a while.\u201d I put him to sleep. However, that night lasted forever for me. I was walking around the house, up and down. Since they confiscated our phones, I was only able to contact my brother. Then, I told my husband\u2019s family. Then, we were told that my husband was transferred to another city because the arrest warrant came from that city.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, I went to visit him. It was quite a different experience. They took me to the police department responsible for terrorism charges. Their attitude was very insulting. It was the first time I saw a person whose face was \u201ccompletely dark\u201d. He crossed his legs, and leaned towards me. He said \u201cWe don\u2019t allow terrorists to see each other.\u201d My son was with me. We could not ask anything from anyone at that time. This is because people were afraid to greet us. They were afraid to talk to us. They were assuming that the others might think that they were one of us if they talked to us. I went there with my little son. They were planning to send me and my son downstairs where all the real criminals were. Fortunately, somebody intervened. I am deeply grateful to him. Their behavior towards me was completely inhumane and terrible.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, for a while, we could not get any news about my husband. It was about 10 days. We hired a lawyer since we could not get any news from him. Thanks to the lawyer, we learned that they transferred him to another city again.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

In that period, my family in the country of X started to worry about me and my son. They asked us to join them. They bought a ticket, and invited us. It was a very difficult decision. Should I leave my husband, and my country? Leaving everything behind, with only one suitcase, with my son… It was very difficult, but we did not have any other choice. Right after our arrival in the country of X, I have a memory which I will remember all my life. At the passport checkpoint, a cop came close to me, and offered me a cup of water. He said \u201cYou look very tired.\u201d I will remember this forever. I left my country with the feelings of a person with no country. In my home country, they told us \u201cNo water for you.\u201d (Show no mercy). While there was \u201cno water\u201d for us in our home country, here at the passport checkpoint, a complete stranger offered me water with kind words. When you think about it, it is very strange to see what the Muslim community became. When did we become like this! Unbelievable!
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

After our arrival in the country of X, my family constantly supported us. And they still do. Despite their continuous support, there were things that I needed to overcome by myself. A completely foreign place, and a completely new beginning. As I mentioned before, because of the hurry when we were leaving, we forgot many important belongings behind. And I had a son to take care of. Very difficult times. I was trying to adapt. I was trying to stand tall. I had to stand tall. I should not show my son any sorrow. It was quite a hard period to describe. I was feeling like I was already dead. Soulless. I did not have any of my earthly belongings, and it was like I was buried under ground, as I could not reach anything I had. My son was asking, \u201cWhere is my this and that?\u201d
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Despite all of this, I felt very fortunate when I compared my situation to some others. Allah provided us many blessings. I did not have that terrible hardship.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

I could not communicate with my husband for a long time. Then, when he called his family in Turkey, they called me on another phone so that I could hear his voice. After a year, I got a picture of him. It has been a year… Sometimes I think about this. How could we get back that one year in our lives? Did we live or not? As I said before, we were living, but it was feeling like we were already dead. I think this expression describes exactly how I felt.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Our friends were getting arrested day by day. People around us were getting caught. My husband\u2019s arrest warrant came from Ankara. I cannot forget the dream I had a couple of days before the arrest of my husband. In my dream, I saw our arrival to the country of X, and my son was with me, but my husband was not. Moreover, in the dream, I saw that the cops who searched our house were helping me and my son to flee the country. In real life, in the police raid, one of the police officers who got our passports handed my and my son\u2019s passports to me, and told me to keep them. Then I put them somewhere visible in the house. Then, he told me again to hide them in a safe place.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, when I visited my husband in prison, I told him, \u201cWe might leave the country.\u201d He said, \u201cI know. I had a dream the day before I got arrested. I saw that you were leaving.\u201d We both had similar dreams at the same time.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

It was not only about our friends getting arrested. They were persecuting everyone who is relevant or not. They did not have any standard. It was enough evidence to get arrested if someone mentions your name. In my husband\u2019s case, it was a slander by someone who said, \u201cI know this person (my husband)\u201d, and that was enough for my husband\u2019s arrest. In the raid, they were only looking for electronic items, nothing else. Then, since they could not find any evidence for his arrest, they made up an excuse like having a bank account in the bank associated with the group. Even though one year has passed, there is no official criminal charge against him. They are still looking for some evidence.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The day they came for the raid was my birthday. I offered them some cake and tea.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

For example, no one ever smoked in my house before the raid. After that day, I hated my own home, my own furniture and other belongings. The world seemed worthless. Sometimes I ask myself, \u201cDo I really feel upset for all I had, all my belongings that I left behind, for ? No! I don\u2019t care at all. Sometimes my son asks me, \u201cMom, do you remember that thing?\u201d Believe me, I don\u2019t remember my own items. I really don\u2019t care about them. There were lots of memories in those items. I feel like all my memories were stolen from me. This is indeed the hardest.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

As I mentioned before, even though my family was with me, I still felt alone here. This is because I didn\u2019t know the culture. These events started on my birthday. It was like I was born into a new world. I am learning everything again from the scratch. I am learning how to shop and other aspects of social life. At first, I was even reluctant to go to the playground with my son because I did not know how to behave there. However, having a kid made me overcome these difficulties faster, and I adapted somehow.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Another problem was my son\u2019s adaptation to the new language. Yes, kids learn very fast, but my son had a very hard time at the beginning adapting to school. Unfortunately, one of the biggest challenges for us was that there was another family who came to the same neighborhood from Turkey for a year. Their kids were in the same school with my son. Their kid was insulting my son by saying, \u201cYou are a terrible person, your father is terrible, too.\u201d They tried to hurt us with these attitudes. I could not understand how people could be so mean, where does this rage coming from even here in this country.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

I told a friend before that we wanted nothing but goodness for their kids. We aimed that these kids grow with respect, and become good, righteous people. It was very frustrating to see such attitudes from the people you care so much about. Maybe, the reason for all of these was that God was directing our hearts toward Him. We were so alone that we turned to God when all the lights were turned off. We turned to Allah. We were so helpless. There was nothing else to do but to turn to Him.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

I lost my father at a very early age. I didn’t even have the concept of \u201cfather\u201d in my mind. I was about one year old. Nowadays, from time to time I think about that, too. What I mean is that everything happens for a reason. One of the good outcomes of this is that I could not have raised my son like this if I had not grown up myself without a father. I could understand my son so well, I know what he needs. Maybe, this makes me more powerful in life.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

(3)<\/b><\/p>\n

We did not tell anything about ourselves to the other Turkish family whose son was in my son\u2019s school. There was a Turkish family whose son is at the same class with my son. Our story was that my family lives here, and we came here for my son to get his education in the country of X. We did not tell anything about what we had been through, and my husband\u2019s situation in Turkey. Even my son thought that his father was working in the city of X. I don\u2019t know how that family interpreted our situation in this way. Maybe because they did not see my husband with us. Probably, their son asked my son whether he could talk to his father or not. When my son said, \u201cSometimes by phone, not very often\u201d, then they confirmed their suspicions. My son cried a lot when the other Turkish boy at the school insulted him. He said, \u201cI don\u2019t want to go to school anymore.\u201d I was very angry at first. I wanted to talk to the parents of those children. I wanted to say that if they have a problem, they should directly talk to me, not to my son. Then, I thought I should do this if it happens again. I know that the penalty for such behavior is huge here. The children might even be expelled from school and I did not want this to happen to them.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Then I talked to my son. I asked him, \u201cDo they have any relatives or close friends here?\u201d He said \u201cNo.\u201d I asked him, \u201cWhom do you have as relatives?\u201d Then, I added: \u201cYour uncle is here, your aunt is here, and your close friends are here. They can come when you call. You are not alone here. Indeed, you have many people who love you a lot.\u201d Then, I continued: \u201cYour father is a great person.\u201d I gave some examples from the times of our Prophet. I told him that our Prophet and his followers also experienced similar things at their time. He agreed, and said, \u201c I understand. I don\u2019t need his friendship anyway. If he wants, he can come to me and be friends again.\u201d Then, for a long time, he stayed away from him. This happened at the beginning of the school year, and my son was not fluent in the new languageback then. Since they both speak Turkish, my son was feeling close to that boy. It was very hard for him to stay away from him.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, my son started to have several friends at school. Then, the other Turkish boy wanted to play with my son again. My son came to me and asked me if he could play with the other Turkish boy. I told him \u201cYes, of course.\u201d They are only kids. We should not raise them with hate. We should not teach them labeling, and discrimination. The kids who are raised with such attitudes and hate might be highly problematic for society. Then, my son and that boy solved their issues, and became friends again.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

(4)<\/b><\/p>\n

I am trying my best to continue our lives here. I am trying to settle everything down to have a good start when my husband join us. I am trying to take care of the things that need to be done for our son. Can we hold on to life here? Yes. I am trying to figure out how I can work here. I don\u2019t want to quit. If I quit, I will lose a lot. I am trying to move ahead. I should not stop.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

(5)
\n<\/b><\/p>\n

Just before the doorbell rang, we put the birthday cake on the table. The candles were lit. At that time, the doorbell rang. I could not eat that birthday cake. We did not expect the raid to happen at that particular time because these raids used to happen usually in the early mornings, or late nights. All the stories we heard about these raids had happened around those times.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

(6)<\/b><\/p>\n

There was another thing I just remembered. I can tell you if you\u2019d like. When we were coming here, it was very hard for me to tell our leave to my husband\u2019s family. We were leaving my husband behind… We needed to come here. They could not comprehend our situation. I called a cab to go to the airport. I was watching the streets while going to the airport. I loved the city of Xa lot. I could not imagine that I could leave that city. It was a very special place for me because of its spirituality. It started to change in the last couple of years, and it was feeling like we could not breathe when we were leaving. Being with no country… It was very sad. No one to look after us…
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

We arrived at the airport. We knew that many people were caught, and arrested during passport control. With that fear, I was trying to arrange some people there to take care of my son if something happened to me. When I called my friends, unfortunately they told me that they could not come. Then, my cousin came to the airport even though he had a test to take. Then, we went into the passport control area. It was quite frightening, like playing Russian roulette. I had no idea what was going to happen. I was very concerned whether we would be able to pass or not. I was looking at my son. It could be our last time together. I could leave him to my cousin, or we would pass, and continue our travel together. I could not forget those moments.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

I handed my passport to the officer. We were looking at each other with my cousin. Then, the officer stamped the passport, and said \u201cYou can pass.\u201d I was so relieved. I said \u201cGoodbye\u201d to my cousin. We passed. My husband was quite a sensitive person about the right and wrong, about being just. For example, when shopping at a store, if he dropped something from the shelves, he would definitely buy it. Even if the item was not broken or damaged after the fall, he would still buy it. Thinking of all these humiliating attitudes towards such a sensitive man… Leaving my country like this…. Their treatment of my husband as if he was a terrorist. Keeping him in the terrorists\u2019 level in the prison, in the cells with the terrorists…
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

He stayed with terrorists in prison until he was transferred from the city of Xto another city. I saw him 2-3 days later, and he was in terrible shape. This is because we were not used to this. We were always surrounded by very nice people. Everybody around us were people like us. They were quite polite. The experiences that my husband had in the cell were killing him on the inside. He told me that he only ate a cup of soup for the last several days because they did not give him any other food.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

My son was only 5 years old at the time. Now, he is 6 years old. We tried to explain these events in the least harmful way he could understand. We told him that his dad went to help other cops catch the bad guys. Since bad guys were dangerous, they needed to protect his dad from these guys. That\u2019s why they were keeping him in such a protected place. After all, the kids would realize what was really going on, one way or another. Then, after a while, we consulted here about whether we should tell him the truth or not. We were told that we should tell him the truth. He would definitely understand. Then, my brother and I explained the situation to him. He did not say anything, as this was not his style. If he could not comprehend something, he would say, \u201cI want to talk to you, Mom\u201d, and this used to happen just before bedtime. He used to explain his problem to me. \u201cI am sad about this, I am frustrated with that, etc.\u201d However, this time he did not say anything. A month and a half passed. We were staying with my sister-in-law in her place. She was traveling for business. On that night, my son came to me and he said, \u201cI want to talk to you, Mom.\u201d I asked. He just said one sentence: \u201cOn the evening of your birthday \u2026\u201d Then, he cried for hours.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Even though we think the kids do not understand what is happening, indeed in their own world, they definitely have a sense about the events. Now, he has become much more mature. Recently, something happened, and he told me, \u201cMom, I am your companion.\u201d He added, \u201cWe should do this and that.\u201d I believe these experiences contributed a lot to his character. He looks at things very differently now. He is stronger. While we are facing certain difficulties from our perspective, he is facing his own difficulties, too. He lost everything that was valuable to him. He lost his toys, his dad, his family. He came here. \u201cI had a bed, now it\u2019s gone. I had a toy, now it\u2019s gone.\u201d He has nothing now. I am trying to get his needs one-by-one.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

On the other hand, I believe kids gained a lot for their future by going through these events. My son hugged me, and cried. He cried a lot at night in the first days here. Maybe for a month. We were staying with my other brother at that time. When he saw the other families, the kids with their fathers, or when his cousin called my brother \u201cDad\u201d, his eyes filled with tears. I noticed it because I experienced similar things during my youth. However, what we are going through\u2026 When they were alive, they separated people from each other. This is what we experienced. When everything was all right, everything turned upside down.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

We went to see my husband. They brought him. I wanted him to talk to our son more than me. The time was very limited. The total visitation was about 5 minutes. I asked him if he needed something. I told him that we can \u201cleave\u201d (flee the country). He said, \u201cI know.\u201d He was expecting to be transferred to some other prison. He talked about the ambience in prison. I told him what I did, what I plan to do. During this time, we were hugging each other very tight. They also allow the kids to hug their parents. I hugged my son, and my husband hugged him, too. They do not allow any other contact. That\u2019s what I remember.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

After a long time, about a year, my husband sent us a photo (starts crying). We always tried to send out photos, but we could not send our letters directly to him. First, we sent them to his family, and then they would put it in another envelope and send it to him. It took about 2 months to deliver and get a response. In the first months, we could not speak by phone. This is because my mother-in-law and father-in-law are both very old; they could not connect us through phone, as they needed to open the speaker, etc. It took a long time for them to figure out the technology. We are able to regularly speak by phone for almost 2 months now. Before that, we could not speak sometimes for a month or even more than that.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s very hard to talk anyway; we can barely hear each other\u2019s voice. I was trying to understand how he was doing from his voice. This is because even though he says, \u201cI am good\u201d, I knew that he would not tell us when he is not. It is the same for me, too. Everyone says, \u201cI am good, I am OK.\u201d but indeed no one is. Everyone knows what it really is. We just try not to sadden each other.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

After a year, he sent his photo with his letter. It was very painful seeing him after a year (crying). Our son is growing up during this period. He changed a lot. He is growing up, and learns quite quickly. We sent our photos, but my husband did not want them at first. My mother-in-law kept them. Finally, a month ago, he asked for the photos. My father-in-law sent the photos to him. He said, \u201cI cannot look at the photos. Whenever I look at them, I start crying.\u201d While he could not look at our photos, I could not look at his photos either. I tried to look at his photos, but he changed a lot. He got old. He would see me in a similar way perhaps.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

We kept talking to my husband through my in-laws\u2019 phone. We were asking each other how the other is doing. After sharing some daily stuff, and then the phone cuts off. I want to talk more, but it is not possible. Our memories were accumulating, but I could not share them. I could not express my feelings plainly and explicitly. It is like a live broadcast. There is no privacy. Everyone hears what I am saying. My in-laws are hearing. The letters are likewise. Our letters are read by others. His letters are read, too. I cannot tell my troubles because I do not want to bother him more.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes, I feel like I miss him so much. I wonder when this will come to an end. Sometimes, my son cheers me up. \u201cI cannot forget that incident. In the first months, he expressed his longing for his dad a lot. He said something which I would not expect from a kid. He was 5 years old at that time. He said, \u201cI am very concerned about my father. We are here, he is there. I am worrying about him.\u201d
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, we are often chatting with my son during this period. I am trying to nourish his soul as I am nourishing my own soul. I am giving examples of similar events from the past. These affect him a lot. We talk about companions of the Prophet Muhammad. We talk about the Prophet Muhammad. One day he came, and said, \u201cI am not so concerned anymore. I know that Allah is with us. We will overcome these things. The bad people might be winning now, but at the end, we will win. I am sure of that. I am not worried about my dad anymore.\u201d
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

What annoys me most? I cannot believe that our people, our society, were so lacking in values. I am very angry with the Turkish people as they are so selfish. They are in a mode that if something does not harm them, then they don\u2019t care. They explain all these events by saying \u201cThey are not \u201cfrom us\u201d, they are not \u201cwith us\u201d anyway\u201d. I am so surprised to see that they could label others, and do not care what happens to others.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

We meet new local people here. We visit them sometimes, and they pray for us. They pray that this painful period ends quickly and that we will be alright again. They try to help us. On the other hand, \u201cour people\u201d – the Turkish, Anatolian people – play three wise monkeys: no hear, no see, no speak! This makes me crazy. I cannot believe how they behave so selfishly. What are they waiting for to speak up?
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The most dominant feeling we have is longing. I also think about the selfishness of some people. Thank you very much. I hope it will be helpful.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Turkish Transcription:<\/strong><\/p>\n

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(1)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sesimi kaydetmenize izin veriyorum. Konu\u015ftu\u011fum b\u00fct\u00fcn her \u015feyi kaydetmenize izin veriyorum. 15 Temmuzdan \u00f6ncesinden bahsetmek gerekirse ortam zaten \u00e7ok fazlas\u0131yla gerilmi\u015fti. Aileler aras\u0131ndaki ili\u015fkilere kadar s\u0131\u00e7ram\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bu. 15 Temmuzdan \u00f6ncesinde de evde hep panik i\u00e7erisinde bekliyorduk. Ve o g\u00fcn hani insanin mezara kadar g\u00f6t\u00fcrece\u011fi an\u0131lardan birisi herhalde 15 Temmuz. Biz \u00e7ok yak\u0131n bir yerde oturuyorduk bu olaylar\u0131n ya\u015fand\u0131\u011f\u0131 yere.. Olaylar ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131nda ba\u015fta ne oldu\u011funu anlayamad\u0131k. Evdeyiz. Arkada\u015flarla konu\u015fuyoruz. Hi\u00e7 kimsenin hi\u00e7bir \u015feyden haberi yok. Sonra darbe oluyormu\u015f s\u00f6ylentileri ba\u015flad\u0131. Gece yar\u0131s\u0131na do\u011fru bu kesinle\u015fti. \u0130\u015fte darbe olmu\u015f, olacakm\u0131\u015f,yapacaklarm\u0131\u015f falan… Ama o g\u00fcn hi\u00e7 unutam\u0131yorum evdeki o deh\u015fete d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz an\u0131. \u0130nsanlar ellerinde sopalarla y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcler.. Yollar kapal\u0131. Insanlar dedi\u011fim gibi sopalarla, baz\u0131lar\u0131 belki silahlarla, o \u015fekilde y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcler. Sonra televizyonlara g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fcler d\u00fc\u015fmeye ba\u015flad\u0131 insanlar\u0131n \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fc, d\u00f6v\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fc gibi.
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Yani orada kimin ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hi\u00e7 kimse anlam\u0131yordu. Sadece bir \u00e7a\u011fr\u0131yla herkes sokaklara d\u00f6k\u00fcld\u00fc o anda. O g\u00fcn hi\u00e7bir yere \u00e7\u0131kmad\u0131k zaten. Bir sonraki g\u00fcn bir arkada\u015fa gittik. Ne oluyor? Hani nedir? Ne yapaca\u011f\u0131z falan diye. Hi\u00e7 kimse bir \u015fey bilmiyordu. Yani herkes \u015fey halinde… hani herkese bir durgunluk gelmi\u015fti. Yani ne yapaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilememezlik. O g\u00fcn \u015feyi hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum. Arabadan indik biz y\u00fcr\u00fcyoruz. Yan\u0131mdan ba\u015fka bir araba ge\u00e7iyor. kutlamalara gidiyorlard\u0131. Adam bana bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemi\u015f fakat ben o kadar durgundum ki o zaman adam\u0131n ne dedi\u011fini anlamam\u0131\u015f\u0131m. Adam benim \u00fczerime y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fc ona tepki vermedi\u011fim i\u00e7in. Yani insanlar bu denli insancil f\u0131tratlar\u0131n\u0131 yitirmi\u015f haldeydi. Soka\u011fa \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131zda mutlaka elinizde bir bayrak veya bir gruba dahil olman\u0131z gerekiyor. Yoksa yani ba\u015fka t\u00fcrl\u00fc y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fczde insanlar size an\u0131nda sald\u0131rabilir. Bu sekildeydi sokaklar.
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Tabii bunun sonras\u0131nda b\u00fct\u00fcn boyle sevdi\u011fimiz insanlarla ilgili k\u00f6t\u00fc haberler almaya ba\u015flad\u0131k. Iste i\u015fkence g\u00f6rd\u00fckleri… \u00c7evremdeki b\u00fct\u00fcn insanlar gitmi\u015fti. Bir bir onlar\u0131n haberleri geliyordu tabii ve sevdi\u011finiz insanlar\u0131n o esnada yan\u0131nda olam\u0131yorsunuz. ( sesi titriyor) O esnada herhalde benim kalbimi en ac\u0131tan \u015fey oydu. Kardes olmu\u015fsunuz birsey payla\u015fm\u0131\u015fs\u0131n\u0131z fakat birbirinize gidemiyorsunuz o esnada cunku sokakta bile y\u00fcr\u00fcyemeyecek haldesiniz. Sanki aln\u0131n\u0131zda yaziyor… Uzerinize atlay\u0131p d\u00f6veceklermi\u015f gibi b\u00f6yle bir bask\u0131 hissetmeye ba\u015fl\u0131yorsunuz. Her zaman y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fcz sokaklar, selam verdi\u011finiz insanlar, bir \u015feyler payla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z insanlar… dedi\u011fim gibi b\u00f6yle her zaman tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z insanlar… onlara idam onlara su bile yok…
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(2)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yani o ak\u015famdan sonra bize en zor gelen \u015fey,bana en zor gelen \u015fey; dedigim gibi insan bir s\u00fcre sonra \u00e7evresindeki arkada\u015flarla karde\u015f gibi oluyor. \u00c7ok sevdi\u011fimiz arkada\u015flara ula\u015famamak oldu. Yanlar\u0131nda olamamak oldu, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc i\u00e7eri al\u0131nd\u0131klar\u0131na dair, i\u015fkence g\u00f6rd\u00fcklerine dair sadece haberler al\u0131yoruz fakat hi\u00e7birisine ula\u015fam\u0131yoruz. Soka\u011fa \u00e7\u0131kam\u0131yorsunuz sanki aln\u0131n\u0131zda yaz\u0131yor sizin o gruptan (Hizmet Hareketi) oldu\u011funuz ve \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131zda insanlar size sald\u0131racakm\u0131\u015f gibi geliyor. Kendinizi bu \u015feyle bir eve kapat\u0131yorsunuz bu s\u00fcre\u00e7 i\u00e7erisinde. Sonra tabii bu da olmuyor. Yani \u00e7ok de\u011fi\u015fik bir \u015fey.
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B\u00f6yle sabahlar\u0131 ben hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum sabah 3 ten 4 ten sonra hi\u00e7 uyuyam\u0131yorduk. Sabah 7-8’e kadar. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00e7evremizde bak\u0131yoruz insanlar hep o saatlerde evden al\u0131n\u0131yor. Polis bask\u0131nlar\u0131 oluyor. Biz de bekliyoruz o saat ge\u00e7tikten sonra tekrar uyuyorduk. Ama o s\u00fcre\u00e7te hi\u00e7 uyuyamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. Zaten hani uyunacak bir durum da yoktu da ilk zamanlar. Hatta o ilk g\u00fcn mesela 15 Temmuzun oldu\u011fu g\u00fcn ve sonrasi gunlerde ben hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum bir ara kendimi b\u00f6yle bilin\u00e7siz bir \u015fekilde koridorda gelip giderken bulmu\u015ftum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc yani insan\u0131n b\u00f6yle bir \u015fey olabilir mi dedigi bir s\u00fcre\u00e7. Yani o kadar de\u011fi\u015fik ki o T\u00fcrkiye’nin bunlar\u0131 ya\u015fayabilece\u011fi… T\u00fcrkiye’de bunlar\u0131n ya\u015fanaca\u011f\u0131… Sevdi\u011fimiz insanlar\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131na bunlar\u0131n gelece\u011fi… \u00c7ok \u00e7ok de\u011fi\u015fik bir s\u00fcre\u00e7ti. Mesela bizim arkada\u015flardan o s\u00fcre\u00e7te vefat eden oldu. \u00c7ok ciddi i\u015fkenceler g\u00f6r\u00fcp bunlar\u0131n \u015feylerini ald\u0131k yani…
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Tam 15 Temmuz sonrasinda birkac hafta sonrasinda ameliyat olmam gerekiyordu ve farkl\u0131 bir \u015fehire ge\u00e7tim. Tabii ameliyat oldum ama hatta i\u015fte bu \u015feye (Hizmet Hareketi) ba\u011fl\u0131 bir hastanede ameliyat olacakt\u0131m ama e\u015fim dedi ki sen ameliyat masas\u0131nda kal\u0131rsan falan dedi. Hastaneye el koyarlar biz seni memlekete g\u00f6t\u00fcrelim orada ameliyat ol dedi. Ger\u00e7ekten de dedi\u011fi gibi oldu. Benim ameliyat\u0131 olmay\u0131 planlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u00fcn o hastane kapat\u0131ld\u0131. Kalp hastalar\u0131n\u0131n dahi masada kald\u0131\u011f\u0131 haberlere yans\u0131d\u0131. Bir s\u00fcre memlekette kald\u0131m ameliyat sonras\u0131nda fakat o d\u00f6nem benim i\u00e7in daha \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fcyd\u00fc \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc e\u015fimle telefonla haberlesebiliyoruk. Bazen ula\u015fam\u0131yorum. Ula\u015famad\u0131\u011f\u0131m anda, \u201ctamam gitti e\u015fimi ald\u0131lar ben nas\u0131l bulaca\u011f\u0131m\u201d \u00f6yle bir panik… Cok korkunc.. Hatta bir keresinde telefonunu evde unutmu\u015f. Ben o g\u00fcn nas\u0131l ak\u015fam oldu da e\u015fimin sesini nas\u0131l duydum hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum. Yani tamam dedim ald\u0131lar nas\u0131l ula\u015faca\u011f\u0131m ben bu adama. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc ula\u015fmak birisini ald\u0131klar\u0131nda.
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X iline d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fczde hala hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde bu olaylar azalmadan devam ediyordu. Her g\u00fcn belirli meydanlarda toplan\u0131p s\u00f6zde i\u015fte kutlamalar yap\u0131l\u0131yordu. Bu birileri i\u00e7in kutlama olurken birileri i\u00e7in \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck bir ac\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc biz kendimizi hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde ifade edemiyoruz. \u00c7ok degisik seyler. Yani insan\u0131n b\u00f6yle ifade edemedi\u011fi, ifadelendiremedigi duygular. Ben tabi o s\u00fcre\u00e7te hep e\u015fime gidelim bak cikma imkan\u0131m\u0131z var cikalim bu \u015fekilde telkinlerde bulunuyordum. Fakat e\u015fim herkes gitti bak i\u00e7eride arkada\u015flar\u0131m\u0131z var onlar \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131klar\u0131nda esim hep \u015fey dedi yani \u201cbiz buraday\u0131z sizi bekledik\u201d diyece\u011fiz dedi. \u201cBiz de gidersek onlar \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda ya da \u015fimdi onlara kim moral verecek\u201d dedi. Sonra bir g\u00fcn hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum b\u00f6yle cumartesi g\u00fcn\u00fcyd\u00fc. E\u015fime dedim ki: \u201cYa bizim yar\u0131n d\u0131\u015far\u0131ya \u00e7\u0131kmamam\u0131z gerekiyormus gibi bir duygu var icimde\u201d dedim. O da iyi dedi. Bekleriz yar\u0131n o zaman dedi. Sonra pazar g\u00fcn\u00fc zil \u00e7ald\u0131 iki tane arkada\u015f geldiler. Esleri i\u00e7eride ve biz aylard\u0131r g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015femiyorduk. O g\u00fcn hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum. B\u00f6yle esime de dedim. Ben \u00f6yle bir sevinci hayatimda daha \u00f6nce bir kere ya\u015fam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u00c7ocu\u011fumuzun olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6\u011frendi\u011fim g\u00fcn \u00f6yle bir duygu ya\u015fam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Bunda \u00e7ok samimiyim. (5. 42)Biz onlarla saatlerce oturduk ama \u00e7ok az konu\u015ftuk. Sadece birbirimize bakt\u0131k ve sar\u0131ld\u0131k. Ve ben onlara da dedim insanlar bize bu d\u00fcnyada sevdiklerimizle birlikte olmay\u0131 \u00e7ok g\u00f6rebilirler bunun i\u00e7in insanlar\u0131 ay\u0131rabilirler bir \u00e7ok sevdiklerinden Rabbim dedim otede ay\u0131rmas\u0131n. Benim \u015fu an en b\u00fcy\u00fck dualar\u0131mdan birisi bu. Rabbim otede ay\u0131rmas\u0131n sevdiklerimizden.
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Sonra birka\u00e7 hafta sonra benim do\u011fum g\u00fcn\u00fcmd\u00fc. Ak\u015fam e\u015fim bir \u015feyler alm\u0131\u015f kutlamak i\u00e7in. Tam masaya koyduk hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum zil \u00e7ald\u0131. Seyden bakt\u0131k polisler gelmi\u015fti. Esim yok dedi de\u011fildir. Hala inanmak istemiyor. Ben dedim onlar geldi i\u015fte. Geldiler. Hepsi bize gelenlerin \u00fcst kademeden insanlard\u0131. Komiserler, amirler,\u015fefler hep o \u015fekildeydi. \u0130\u015fte kom\u015fular\u0131m\u0131z falan tabi o sirada duydular. Bunlar herhalde insan\u0131n \u00f6mr\u00fcnde hi\u00e7 unutmayaca\u011f\u0131 kareler. (7. 25) Ben ben bizim ufakligi farkl\u0131 bir yere ald\u0131m. Basta odas\u0131na g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcm. Dediler arama yapaca\u011f\u0131z. \u00c7ok farkl\u0131 bir \u015fey o arama yapmak… Yani sizin mutfa\u011f\u0131n\u0131za, salonunuza,oturma odan\u0131za… onlar hi\u00e7bir \u015fey belki onlara bir nokta diyorsunuz ama yatak odan\u0131za kadar girip hatta \u00f6zellikle yatak odas\u0131ni daha b\u00f6yle sizi incitecek \u015fekilde davran\u0131\u015flarla, s\u00f6zlerle, hareketlerle aramalar\u0131, her \u015feyiniz ortaya d\u00f6kmeleri, bu esnada sizi k\u0131\u015fk\u0131rtacak c\u00fcmleler kurmalar\u0131… orada ben \u015fey dedi\u011fimi hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum… \u201cBiz bu \u00fclke i\u00e7in gecemizi g\u00fcnd\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fcze katt\u0131k bu insanlar\u0131 destekledik bunun sonucu bu \u015fekilde ter\u00f6r damgas\u0131 g\u00f6rmekse yaz\u0131klar olsun!\u201d dedim. Yani \u00e7ok b\u00f6yle enteresan o gece o aramalar esnas\u0131nda ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m \u00e7ok hat\u0131rlamak istedi\u011fim \u015feyler de\u011fil\u2026 Sonra e\u015fime k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir \u00e7anta haz\u0131rlad\u0131m. Adamlardan yalvar yakar nereye g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcklerini \u00f6\u011frenebildim. Sonra bizden e\u015fimin i\u015f yerine gittiler. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc oray\u0131 da aramak istiyorlard\u0131. Gece 12. 00 gibi evden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131lar.
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O\u011fluma baban amcalarla \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmak i\u00e7in gidiyor bir s\u00fcre orada kalacak dedim. Onu yatirdim ama dedi\u011fim gibi hani o gece zaten sabah olmad\u0131. Gece bir daha ayd\u0131nlanmad\u0131. S\u00fcrekli koridorda… Telefonlar\u0131m\u0131za o zaman da el koyduklar\u0131 i\u00e7in almadan \u00f6nce abimlere haber verebildim. Ald\u0131lar biz kal\u0131yoruz sadece diye. Ve kimseyle de haberlesemiyoruz. E\u015fimin ailesine haber verdik bir \u015fekilde. Sonra e\u015fimin farkl\u0131 bir ile sevk edilece\u011fini s\u00f6ylediler ve emrin oradan geldi\u011fini.
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Sonras\u0131nda ben ziyaret etmek i\u00e7in gittim. \u00d6yle \u00e7ok de\u011fi\u015fik yani ter\u00f6r kat\u0131na, ter\u00f6rle m\u00fccadele katina gidiyorsunuz. Orada b\u00f6yle \u00e7ok de\u011fi\u015fik muameleler g\u00f6r\u00fcyorsunuz. Ben hayat\u0131mda hani y\u00fcz\u00fc kapkara bir insani orada g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Bana b\u00f6yle bacak bacak \u00fcst\u00fcne att\u0131 ve yan dondu. \u201cG\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fturmuyoruz ter\u00f6ristleri\u201d dedi. Bu sekilde. Yan\u0131mda tabii ki \u00e7ocuk var. O esnada kimseden bir \u015fey isteyemiyorsunuz zaten. Cunku insanlar size selam vermeye bile korkuyorlar. Sizinle konu\u015fmaya bile, bakmaya bile korkuyorlar. Bizi de onlardan zannederler diye. Yan\u0131mda ufak bir \u00e7ocukla oralara gittim. Hatta i\u015fte e\u015fimle g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmek istedi\u011fimde a\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya b\u00fct\u00fcn su\u00e7lular\u0131n oldu\u011fu bir yere inecektik ki birisi m\u00fcdahale etti. Allah raz\u0131 olsun o ki\u015fiden. Cocuk var diye. Hani hi\u00e7 yani insanca muamele yapm\u0131yorlar size.
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Sonra e\u015fimden uzun bir s\u00fcre haber al\u0131namad\u0131. Yani bir hafta 10 g\u00fcn kadar. O s\u0131rada avukat tuttuk haber alamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z i\u00e7in biz. Avukat sayesinde e\u015fimin g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fc ilden de ba\u015fka bir ile g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc \u00f6\u011frendik.
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Tabi bu s\u00fcrede ailem ben ve \u00e7ocu\u011fum i\u00e7in endi\u015felenmeye ba\u015flad\u0131. Buraya gelmelisiniz hemen diye. Hemen bilet al\u0131nd\u0131. Tabii o s\u0131rada hani insan\u0131n karar vermekte \u00e7ok zorland\u0131\u011f\u0131 anlardan birisi… I\u015fte geride e\u015fini b\u0131rakmak, \u00fclkeni b\u0131rakmak\u2026 Her \u015feyimizi b\u0131rak\u0131p i\u015fte tek \u00e7ocukla bir bavul haz\u0131rlay\u0131p farkl\u0131 bir \u00fclkeye gitmek… Bu \u00e7ok zor bir \u015feydi tabiki. Ama gelmek durumundayd\u0131k. Uzun bir \u015feyden sonra ben hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum havaalan\u0131nda X ulkesine geldikten sonra pasaport kontrol\u00fcnde arkamdan bir polis yakla\u015ft\u0131 ve bana su uzatt\u0131. (sesi titriyor) \u201c\u00c7ok yorgun g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyorsunuz\u201d dedi. Ben bunu hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum. Ulkemizde, yani \u00fclkeden \u00e7\u0131karken vatans\u0131zl\u0131k hissiyle \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k. Su bile yok diyorlardi insanlar bize. Size su bile vermeyece\u011fiz derken, burada havaalan\u0131nda pasaport kontrol\u00fcnde hi\u00e7 beni tan\u0131mayan bir insan dokunup \u00e7ok yorgun g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyorsunuz deyip su uzatmas\u0131 \u2026 Dedim yani biz M\u00fcsl\u00fcmanlar nereden nereye geldik… Nas\u0131l b\u00f6yle olduk… Insan bu konuda b\u00f6yle \u015fey kaliyor.
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Tabii buraya geldi\u011fimizde sa\u011f olsunlar ailem hep yan\u0131m\u0131zda durdu. Hala da yan\u0131m\u0131zda duruyor. Fakat tabii ki ne kadar yan\u0131mda dursalar da benim yaln\u0131z ba\u015f\u0131ma asmam gereken bir s\u00fcr\u00fc zorluk vardi. Yabanc\u0131 bir yer, hi\u00e7bir d\u00fczenimiz yok. Dedi\u011fim gibi d\u00fcnyam\u0131z i\u015fte o kafayla haz\u0131rlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m yani bir an \u00f6nce gideyim kafas\u0131yla hazirladigimiz ve bir\u00e7ok \u015feyi koymay\u0131 unuttu\u011fumuz bir valizden ibaret. Ve yan\u0131mda k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir \u00e7ocuk. O g\u00fcnler b\u00f6yle \u00e7ok zordu. Adapte olmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorsunuz. Dik durmaya calisiyorsunuz. Dik durman\u0131z gerekiyor. \u201c\u00dcz\u00fclmek\u2026\u201d bu fiili \u00e7ocu\u011funuza da g\u00f6stermemeniz gerekiyor. Cok yani ne bileyim insan\u0131n anlatamayaca\u011f\u0131 bir surec\u2026 Anlatamayaca\u011f\u0131m bir \u015fey… Yani \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fck… Yani \u00f6yle hissediyordum. \u00d6lm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fck fakat hala d\u00fcnyadaydik. D\u00fcnyaya ait hi\u00e7bir mal\u0131m\u0131z m\u00fclk\u00fcm\u00fcz hani adeta kabre konmu\u015f gibi hi\u00e7bir \u015feyimize ula\u015fam\u0131yorduk. Yani ignemize dahi ula\u015fam\u0131yorduk T\u00fcrkiye’deki. \u00c7ok de\u011fi\u015fik bir \u015fey bu. Cocuk benim \u015fuyum vard\u0131 nerede? buyum vard\u0131 nerede?
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Yine dedi\u011fim gibi \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr b\u00f6yle bir\u00e7ok insana g\u00f6re bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda o kadar \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fckredecek \u015feyimiz var ki. Allah bir s\u00fcr\u00fc nimetler nasip etti. \u00d6yle b\u00fcy\u00fck s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131lar ya\u015famad\u0131k.
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Uzun bir s\u00fcre e\u015fimle g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015femedik. Sonra ailesini telefonla aradigi zamanlarda onlar da beni telefonla ar\u0131yorlar ben sadece sesini duyabiliyorum. En son i\u015fte bir y\u0131ldan sonra ge\u00e7en resmini g\u00f6ndermi\u015fti. Bir y\u0131l olmu\u015f… Bazen d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum hani bu bir y\u0131l\u0131 hayat\u0131m\u0131zda nereye koyaca\u011f\u0131z? (sesi titriyor) Ya\u015fanm\u0131\u015f m\u0131 ya\u015fanmam\u0131\u015f m\u0131? Dedi\u011fim gibi hani d\u00fcnyaday\u0131z zaman ge\u00e7iyor fakat \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015f gibiyiz. Hani bu bence tam do\u011fru ifade eden bir \u015fey..
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Yani bizim arkada\u015flar\u0131m\u0131z hep al\u0131n\u0131yordu. \u00c7evremizdeki insanlar hep al\u0131n\u0131yordu. E\u015fimin de zaten alinma emri Ankara’dan gelmi\u015fti. Yani hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum; birkac gun \u00f6ncesinde de zaten buraya geldi\u011fimi g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum, fakat o\u011flumla beraber geldi\u011fimi g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum. E\u015fim tek yok r\u00fcyamda o \u015fekilde g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm. Hatta yard\u0131mc\u0131 oluyorlar r\u00fcyamda baskina gelen insanlar benim ka\u00e7mam i\u00e7in \u00e7ocu\u011fumla birlikte. Ve o gece mesela gelen \u015feylerden birisi (polis memurlar\u0131ndan)i\u015fte bizim pasaportlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ald\u0131. Sonra bir ara benimle \u00e7ocu\u011fun pasaportunu bana uzatt\u0131. \u201cBu sende kals\u0131n\u201d dedi verdi. Sonra ben hatta onu bir yere koymu\u015ftum. Onlari tekrar oradan al\u0131p bunlar sende kals\u0131n diye elime verdi\u011fini hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum.
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Sonra esim al\u0131nd\u0131ktan sonra 10 dakika g\u00f6rmeye gitti\u011fimde de e\u015fime dedim; biz gidebiliriz dedim. Biliyorum gidece\u011finizi dedi. \u201cAl\u0131nmadan bir g\u00fcn \u00f6nce ben g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm gidece\u011finizi\u201d dedi. \u0130kimiz de ayn\u0131 anda benzer \u015feyler g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f\u00fcz zaten.
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Ama bu sadece \u00e7evremizdeki insanlar\u0131n al\u0131n\u0131p al\u0131nmamas\u0131 ile de alakal\u0131 de\u011fil yani herkesi al\u0131yorlar zaten bir standartlar\u0131 yok. Birisinin s\u00f6ylemesi yeterli. E\u015fime de birisinin iftira atmas\u0131yla diyebiliriz. Yani ben bu ki\u015fiyi tan\u0131yorum demesiyle al\u0131nd\u0131. Bizden mesela evden istenen sadece elektronik cihazlard\u0131, ba\u015fka bir \u015fey istemiyorlard\u0131. Fakat e\u015fimi ald\u0131ktan sonra bir delil bulamad\u0131klar\u0131 i\u00e7in bankadaki hesab\u0131 bahane edilerek tutuldu. Hala da mesela bir y\u0131l oldu art\u0131k bir iddianame yaz\u0131lm\u0131\u015f de\u011fil. Hala delil arama s\u00fcrecindeler.
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B\u00f6yle yani, geldiklerinde dedi\u011fim gibi o gece benim do\u011fum g\u00fcn\u00fcmd\u00fc. Ve dedim ikram edeyim \u00e7ay pasta. Onlardan ikram ettik.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Mesela benim evimde hi\u00e7 sigara i\u00e7ilmemi\u015fti o g\u00fcne kadar. O g\u00fcnden sonra hani insan evinden de nefret ediyor, e\u015fyalar\u0131ndan da nefret ediyor. D\u00fcnya her \u015fekliyle d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor i\u00e7inizden. G\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fczden de d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor g\u00f6nl\u00fcn\u00fczden de d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor. Yani \u015fu anda da b\u00f6yle ara ara kendimi kontrol ediyorum: Ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131mda acaba geride b\u0131rakt\u0131klar\u0131ma yani e\u015fya olarak d\u00fcnyal\u0131k olarak \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcyor muyum diye. Hay\u0131r hi\u00e7 birisi umurumda de\u011fil hatta bazen o\u011flum diyor; anne \u015fu vard\u0131 hat\u0131rl\u0131yor musun? \u0130nanin hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum bile e\u015fyalar\u0131. Hi\u00e7 birisi umurumda dahi de\u011fil. Yani ya\u015fanm\u0131\u015fl\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131, ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131, an\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 hani ge\u00e7mi\u015fe dair biriktirdiklerimizi \u00e7ald\u0131lar. B\u00f6yle hissediyorum. Bu en zor gelen \u015fey.
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Buraya geldi\u011fimizde de dedi\u011fim gibi hani ne kadar aileniz bile olsa yaln\u0131zl\u0131k hissediyorsunuz. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde k\u00fclt\u00fcr\u00fcn\u00fc bilmiyorsunuz. Bu olaylar, i\u015fte buraya gelmemiz benim do\u011fum g\u00fcn\u00fcmde ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Hatta diyordum i\u00e7imden yeni bir d\u00fcnyaya do\u011fmu\u015f gibiyim. Yeniden her \u015feyi \u00f6\u011freniyorum. Markete gitmek burada nas\u0131l \u00f6\u011freniyorum. I\u015fte buradaki sosyal hayat kurallar\u0131 nas\u0131l \u00f6\u011freniyorum. \u0130lk zamanlar hani parka gitmeye bile \u00e7ekiniyordum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bilmiyorum nas\u0131l yapaca\u011f\u0131m ne edece\u011fim. Ama \u00e7ocu\u011funuz olunca bunlar\u0131 biraz daha h\u0131zl\u0131 \u00f6\u011freniyorsunuz. Daha h\u0131zl\u0131 kat\u0131lmak gerekiyor. Bir \u015fekilde atlatiliyor.
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Sonra \u00e7ocu\u011funuzun dil adaptasyonu\u2026 Hani \u00e7ok \u00e7abuk \u00f6\u011freniyorlar fakat okula ba\u015flama s\u00fcrecinde falan o kadar zorland\u0131 ki. Mesela burada okulda ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z en b\u00fcy\u00fck problem de yine T\u00fcrkiye’deki bu zihniyete sahip bir insan buraya bir y\u0131ll\u0131\u011f\u0131na gelmi\u015f. \u0130\u015fte kader plan\u0131nda ayn\u0131 yerdeyiz ve \u00e7ocu\u011fumla ayn\u0131 okuldalar. Bu insan\u0131n \u00e7ocu\u011fu benim o\u011fluma \u201csen \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fcs\u00fcn, senin baban da kotu\u201d deyip bu \u015fekilde burada bile insanlar\u0131n can\u0131n\u0131 ac\u0131tmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorlar. Burada bile bu nas\u0131l bir kafa, bu nas\u0131l bir anlay\u0131\u015f, bu nas\u0131l bir \u00f6fke, hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde anlam\u0131yorum.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Ki ben birisine demi\u015ftim yani bu insanlar\u0131n evlatlar\u0131 yeti\u015fsin iyi insanlar olsun. Bundan ba\u015fka g\u00f6nl\u00fcm\u00fczden hi\u00e7bir \u015fey ge\u00e7medi, yani ger\u00e7ekten ge\u00e7medi. insanlardan, bu \u015fekilde d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fcz insanlardan b\u00f6yle bir muamele g\u00f6rmek \u00e7ok \u00e7ok de\u011fi\u015fik bir imtihan. Ama herhalde bizim (yani herhalde de\u011fil ) bu s\u00fcrecin sonunda bizim yan\u0131m\u0131za kalan Cenab\u0131 Hak g\u00f6n\u00fcllerimizi -\u0130n\u015fallah orada da sabit kals\u0131n- O\u2019na do\u011fru y\u00f6nlendirdi. O kadar yaln\u0131z kald\u0131k ki, gece oldu\u011funda \u0131\u015f\u0131klar kapan\u0131yor ve O\u2019na y\u00f6neliyorsunuz. Ve Cenab\u0131 hakka y\u00f6neliyorsunuz. O kadar \u00e7aresiziz ki insanlar olarak. O kadar \u00e7aresiziz ki. B\u00fct\u00fcn b\u00fct\u00fcn sebepler t\u00fckendi.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/i>Ben mesela babam\u0131 \u00e7ok k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fckken kaybettim. Baba kavram\u0131 olu\u015fmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bile. 1 ya\u015flar\u0131nda. \u015eimdi bazen onu bile d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Yani \u015fu hayatta ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z her \u015feyin hikmeti var. Onun mesela hikmetlerinden birisi de buymu\u015f. Yani ben belki babas\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n ne oldu\u011funu bilmeseydim \u00e7ocu\u011fumu bu kadar onu anlayarak b\u00fcy\u00fctemezdim bu bir y\u0131l i\u00e7erisinde. Ne hissettiklerini anlayabiliyorum,ne yapmam gerekti\u011fini anlayabiliyorum, belki hayatta daha g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fcy\u00fcm.
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(3)<\/i><\/strong>
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(Okuldaki diger turk aileye) Biz kendimize dair hi\u00e7bir sey aslinda s\u00f6ylemedik. Biz buraya geldik. Ailem burda. Cocuk okuyacak dedik. Yani ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z \u015feylere dair hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemedik. (E\u015fimin durumundan hi\u00e7 bahsetmedik) E\u015fimi zaten \u00e7ocuk da bir s\u00fcreye kadar o \u015fekilde bildi. X ilinde \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor olarak. Oyle yaptik fakat art\u0131k bilmiyorum… Sanki aln\u0131m\u0131zda m\u0131 yaz\u0131yor bilmiyorum ama kendince o \u015fekilde yorumlam\u0131\u015f anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m kadar\u0131yla. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc yani benim e\u015fimi g\u00f6rmuyor… Cocuk ba\u015flang\u0131\u00e7ta zannediyorum benim o\u011fluma sormus babanla konu\u015fabiliyor musunuz diye. Telefonda o da bazen i\u015fte her zaman de\u011fil gibi cevaplar verince herhalde kendilerince emin olmu\u015flar. O\u011flum bunu ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131nda geldi\u011finde \u00e7ok a\u011flad\u0131. Anne bir daha gitmek istemiyorum okula dedi. Ben \u00e7ok sinirlendim ba\u015fta. Gidip bayanla konu\u015fmak istedim. Hani bir problemin varsa bunu \u00e7ocuklar arac\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131yla anlatma gel bana sor merak etti\u011fin bir \u015fey varsa ben sana ne istiyorsan ayr\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131yla anlatay\u0131m demek istedim. Fakat sonra d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm. Tekrar ederse bunu yapay\u0131m dedim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc burada bu t\u00fcr \u015feylere b\u00fcy\u00fck yapt\u0131r\u0131mlar\u0131 var. \u00c7ocuk okuldan dahi at\u0131labilir yani bunu yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda.
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Sonra o\u011flumla konu\u015ftum. Dedim onlar\u0131n burada kimi var dedim. Aile olarak kimleri var? Kimsesi yok dedi. Senin kimlerin var dedim? Kim var burada tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131n? Bak day\u0131nlar burada, \u015fu arkada\u015f\u0131n orada, \u015fu teyzen burada, bak \u015fu arkada\u015f\u0131n burada hepsi seni \u00e7ok seviyorlar. Arad\u0131\u011f\u0131nda geliyorlar. Yani sen burada yaln\u0131z de\u011filsin dedim. \u00c7ok kalabal\u0131ks\u0131n ve arkandaki, yan\u0131ndaki bu kalabalik seni seven insanlardan olusuyor. Sonra dedim, senin baban \u00e7ok iyi bir insan. Peygamber efendimiz d\u00f6neminden \u00f6rnekler verdim. Zaten ara ara hep duyuyor, anlat\u0131yoruz. Onlarin da bu tarz seyler ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 soyledim. Sonra tamam dedi. Anlad\u0131m dedi. Benim onun arkada\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131na ihtiyac\u0131m yok dedi. O isterse gelir benimle arkada\u015f olur dedi. Uzun bir sure onunla hi\u00e7 arkada\u015fl\u0131k yapmad\u0131. Ama bunlar\u0131 ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131 donemde okullar yeni a\u00e7\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Cocuk dil bilmiyor o y\u00fczden onu cok yakin hissediyor kendisine. Onun i\u00e7in \u00e7ok zor oldu. Kendini ondan izole etmek.
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Sonra s\u0131n\u0131f\u0131ndan baska cocuklarla da arkada\u015f oldu. Sonra o \u00e7ocuk benim o\u011flumun yan\u0131na gelip tekrar oynamak istedi. Bana gelip sordu anne oynayabilir miyim diye. Ben de oynayabilirsin o\u011flum dedim. Cocuklar \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc… \u00c7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131za b\u00f6yle bir ofke y\u00fcklemeye,b\u00f6yle g\u00f6revler vermeye,b\u00f6yle etiketler bi\u00e7meye, tan\u0131mlar yapmaya hi\u00e7 gerek yok. Bu \u015fekilde daha \u00e7ocukken bu \u015fekilde gruplara ayr\u0131lan, \u00f6fkeyle b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fclen \u00e7ocuklar ileride yani cok iyi \u015feyler vermez topluma. Sonra \u00e7ocuklar kendi aralar\u0131nda bir \u015fekilde hallettiler..
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\u00a0(4)<\/strong><\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Hani ben mesela \u015fu anda o geldi\u011finde, yani esim geldi\u011finde yan\u0131m\u0131za hayat\u0131m\u0131za kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z yerden devam edebilmek i\u00e7in elimden geleni yap\u0131yorum. \u0130\u015fte \u00e7ocukla ilgili yap\u0131lacak m\u0131? Tamam. Burada hayata tutunmak mi? Evet. \u0130\u015fte \u00e7al\u0131\u015fma ile ilgili belli \u015feyler ara\u015ft\u0131r\u0131yorum. Hani durmamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc devam etmemek ve durmak bize daha \u00e7ok \u015fey kaybettirecek. Durmamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. Durmamak laz\u0131m. (2. 29)<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0(5)<\/strong><\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Yani zil \u00e7almadan \u00f6nce biz tam masaya pastay\u0131 koymu\u015ftuk. Hani mumu falan \u00f6yle duruyordu. Tam o s\u0131rada zil \u00e7ald\u0131. O pastay\u0131 ben zaten yiyemedim. Beklemedi\u011fimiz bir ak\u015fam \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir de ak\u015fam saati oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in \u00e7ok bekledi\u011fimiz bir saat de\u011fil. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc b\u00fct\u00fcn duydu\u011fumuz hikayeler gece veya sabaha do\u011fru ge\u00e7iyor. (1. 10)<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0(6)<\/strong><\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Aklima gelen bir \u015fey daha var isterseniz onu anlatay\u0131m. Buraya gelirken e\u015fimin ailesine buraya gelece\u011fimizi s\u00f6ylemek \u00e7ok zor oldu. Geride b\u0131rak\u0131yoruz. Oraya gitmemiz gerekiyor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc olaylari tam manas\u0131 ile kavrayam\u0131yorlar, bilemiyorlar. Taksi tuttum evden. Takside b\u00f6yle bak\u0131yorum havaalan\u0131na giderken. Ben X Illini \u00e7ok \u00e7ok severdim. Oradan kopabilecegimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmezdim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00e7ok fazla manevi bir havas\u0131 vard\u0131. Son y\u0131llarda biraz bozulmu\u015ftu ve nefes alamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zi hissediyorduk ama ayr\u0131l\u0131rken… Yani bu vatans\u0131zl\u0131k… Buna… ediyorsunuz. Yani size sahip \u00e7\u0131kan birileri yok.
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Havaalan\u0131na gittik. Tabii havaalan\u0131nda orada pasaport kontrol\u00fcnden ge\u00e7erken al\u0131nan bir s\u00fcr\u00fc insan vard\u0131. \u00d6yle bir korkuyla yan\u0131m\u0131za i\u015fte birilerini ayarlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Olur da beni al\u0131rlarsa \u00e7ocuk ortal\u0131kta kalmas\u0131n diye. Sonra birilerini ar\u0131yorsunuz herkes ben gelirim diyemiyor maalesef. Hay\u0131r diyenler oluyor. Sonra kuzenim hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum hatta s\u0131nav\u0131 vard\u0131. Geldi. Pasaport kontrol\u00fcne ge\u00e7tik. Ama hani o an o kadar \u015fey ki; b\u00f6yle adeta rus ruleti oynar gibi. Ne \u00e7\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmiyorsunuz. Sonra kontrole do\u011fru ilerledik. Hani orada ge\u00e7ebilirim de,ge\u00e7meye bilirim de. \u00c7ocu\u011fuma bak\u0131yorum. Son zamanlar\u0131m\u0131z olabilir. Orda kuzeninize verecek olabilirsiniz ya da oradan ge\u00e7ebilirsiniz. O anlar\u0131 hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum. <\/span>
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\u00a0<\/span><\/i>Pasaportumu verdim kontrol ediyor. Bir yandan kuzenime bak\u0131yorum, o bak\u0131yor sonra vurdu damgayi ge\u00e7ebilirsiniz dedi adam. O kadar rahatlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m ki o zaman g\u00fcle g\u00fcle dedim kuzenime. Ge\u00e7tik. \u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Kendim ad\u0131na de\u011fil de mesela e\u015fim ad\u0131na konu\u015facak olursam. Benim e\u015fim \u00f6yle k\u0131l\u0131 k\u0131rk yararcas\u0131na hak hukuk konusunda hassas bir insan. Mesele markette gezerken reyondan bir paketi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrs\u00fcn onu al\u0131rd\u0131, istemese bile al\u0131rd\u0131.. K\u0131r\u0131lmam\u0131\u015fsa bile ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131n hakk\u0131na girmeyelim diye. Bu kadar hak hukuk konusunda hassas bir insan. Ama siz b\u00f6yle ya\u015farken, b\u00f6yle muamele g\u00f6rmek. \u00dclkenizden bu \u015fekilde gitmek. \u0130\u015fte e\u015finizin bu \u015fekilde ter\u00f6rist muamelesi g\u00f6rmesi. Ter\u00f6ristlerin kat\u0131nda olmas\u0131, ter\u00f6ristlerle ayn\u0131 h\u00fccreye\u2026
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Mesela X ilinden\u00a0 di\u011fer yere sevk edilene kadar b\u00f6yle bu tip insanlarla ayn\u0131 yere konuldu e\u015fim. Ve sonra g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde 2 – 3 g\u00fcn sonra g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc durumdayd\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bizler hep belirli insanlarla oturup kalkt\u0131k. \u00c7evremizdeki insanlar hep bizim gibi insanlard\u0131. Bunlar o kadar insan\u0131n i\u00e7 nezaketini inciten \u015feyler ki, adeta \u00e7\u00f6km\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc yani. E\u015fim dedi sadece bir \u00e7orba i\u00e7tim g\u00fcnlerdir. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc yemek vermiyorlar. <\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Bunlari yasarken 5 ya\u015f\u0131ndayd\u0131 o\u011flum. \u015eimdi 6 ya\u015f\u0131nda. Kendi d\u00fcnyas\u0131nda o zamanlar anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Biz \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmaya gitti amcalara yard\u0131mc\u0131 oluyor. Yard\u0131mc\u0131 oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in de \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc amcalar\u0131 yakalamak i\u00e7in yard\u0131mc\u0131 oluyor, baban\u0131 korumalar\u0131 gerekiyor o y\u00fczden orada kal\u0131yor baban \u015feklinde bir yorum yapt\u0131k. Cok g\u00fcvenli yerlerde tutuyorlar o y\u00fczden. B\u00f6yle bir yorum yapt\u0131k. Ama tabii \u00e7ocuklar mutlaka anl\u0131yorlar. Bir s\u00fcre sonra burada dan\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. S\u00f6ylemeli miyiz yoksa bu \u015fekilde mi devam etmeliyiz diye. Bize s\u00f6ylemelisiniz dediler. Cocuk mutlaka anlar. Sonra a\u011fabeyimle birlikte a\u00e7\u0131klad\u0131k. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemedi. O anda hi\u00e7bir c\u00fcmle kurmadi ama bu onun tarz\u0131 de\u011fil. Yani o\u011flum bir \u015feyi kafas\u0131na takm\u0131\u015fsa seninle konu\u015fmak istiyorum der ve bu genelde yatmadan \u00f6ncedir. Seninle konu\u015fmak istiyorum anne der ve konu\u015fur. \u015e\u00f6yle \u015f\u00f6yle problemim var veya \u015funa \u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fcm, \u015funa \u015f\u00f6yle k\u0131r\u0131ld\u0131m \u015feklinde ifade eder. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemedi. Aradan biraz zaman ge\u00e7ti. Bir ay bir bu\u00e7uk ay kadar. \u0130ste \u015fu an yengesinin yan\u0131nda kal\u0131yoruz. Yengesi bir semineri i\u00e7in farkl\u0131 bir yere gitti. O gece geldi, anne konu\u015fmak istiyorum dedi. Sordum. Sadece bir c\u00fcmle kurdu. Senin do\u011fum g\u00fcn\u00fcn\u00fcn oldu\u011fu gece dedi. (agliyor) saatlerce a\u011flad\u0131.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Biz \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n anlamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmedi\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnsek de i\u00e7 d\u00fcnyalar\u0131nda bunu mutlaka biliyorlar. Ve \u015fu an bu noktada belki \u00e7ok fazla b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc. Ge\u00e7en bir \u015fey oldu; ben senin yol arkada\u015f\u0131n\u0131m anne dedi. Bunlar\u0131 b\u00f6yle yapmam\u0131z laz\u0131m dedi. \u00c7ocuklara \u00e7ok ekstra \u015feyler katti belki bu s\u00fcre\u00e7. Daha farkl\u0131 bak\u0131yorlar. Daha g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fcler. Biz kendi a\u00e7\u0131m\u0131zdan bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda zorluklar\u0131 var. Ama onlar a\u00e7\u0131s\u0131ndan bak\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131nda da zorluklar\u0131 var. \u0130\u015fte onlar da t\u00fcm \u00f6zellerini kaybettiler. Bir \u00e7ocuktan kucuk bir oyunca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bile almak zordur. Bu \u00e7ocuklar her \u015feylerini kaybetti. Oyuncaklar\u0131n\u0131 kaybettiler, babalar\u0131n\u0131, ailelerini\u2026 Buraya geldi. Hani yata\u011f\u0131m vard\u0131. Yok. Hani oyunca\u011f\u0131m vard\u0131. Yok. Hani hi\u00e7bir \u015feyi yok. Zamanla biraz biraz ediniyorsunuz, al\u0131yorsunuz ihtiya\u00e7lara g\u00f6re \u015fey yap\u0131yorsunuz.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Ama gelecekleri ad\u0131na \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck kazan\u0131mlar elde ettiklerini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Evet b\u00fcy\u00fck \u015feyler ya\u015fad\u0131lar.. Ba\u015fta bir sar\u0131ld\u0131 a\u011flad\u0131. Sonra hadi yat uyu o\u011flum. Yani \u015fey yapt\u0131. Fakat ilk geceler \u00e7ok a\u011flad\u0131 buraya geldi\u011fimizde. Bir ay boyunca belki a\u011flad\u0131. O d\u00f6nem di\u011fer abilmlerin yan\u0131nda kal\u0131yorduk. Bazen b\u00f6yle hani ailelerle birlikte, babas\u0131yla birlikte \u00e7ocuklar g\u00f6rd\u00fck\u00e7e, kuzeni abime gittik\u00e7e falan g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum. Baba dedik\u00e7e onun g\u00f6zleri doluyor. Fark ediyorsunuz. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc dedi\u011fim gibi ge\u00e7mi\u015fte benzerini ya\u015fam\u0131\u015fs\u0131n\u0131z. Ama bizim \u015fu anda ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z… Yani hayattayken, sa\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda insanlar\u0131 birbirlerinden mahrum b\u0131rakt\u0131lar. Bizim ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bu. Her \u015fey yerli yerindeyken b\u00f6yle bir \u015fey ya\u015famak…
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Biz o g\u00fcn \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k yan\u0131na. Getirdiler. Ben daha \u00e7ok o\u011flumla konu\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131 istedim. Tabii \u00e7ok k\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre veriyorlar size zaten. 5 dakika gibi bir s\u00fcre veriyorlar. Bir \u015feylere ihtiyac\u0131 olup olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 sordum. Biz gidebiliriz dedim. Biliyorum dedi. O da sevk edilmeyi bekliyordu. Bulundu\u011fu ortamdan bahsetti. Dedim yani \u015funlar\u0131 \u015funlar\u0131 yaptim. Toparlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m kadar\u0131yla i\u015flerden bahsettim. \u015e\u00f6yle yapaca\u011f\u0131m b\u00f6yle yapaca\u011f\u0131m diye. O esnada simsiki sar\u0131l\u0131yorsunuz. \u00c7ocu\u011fun sar\u0131lmas\u0131na izin veriyorlar zaten. Ben \u00e7ocu\u011fa sar\u0131ld\u0131m, o o\u011flumuza sar\u0131ld\u0131. Onun d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda \u00e7ok temasa izin vermiyorlar zaten. \u0130\u015fte \u00f6yle hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Bunca zaman sonras\u0131nda, 1 y\u0131l sonra (agliyor) foto\u011fraf g\u00f6nderdi. Biz ona s\u00fcrekli g\u00f6nderdik foto\u011fraflar fakat biz mektuplari da direk ona g\u00f6nderemiyoruz. E\u015fimin ailesine g\u00f6nderiyoruz. Onlar tekrar farkl\u0131 bir zarfa koyup ona g\u00f6nderiyorlar. \u0130\u015fte bir mektubun gitmesi gelmesi 2 ay\u0131 bulabiliyor. Ba\u015fta bu telefonla konu\u015fmalarda falan da, biz aylarca konu\u015famad\u0131k. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc kay\u0131npederim ve kay\u0131nvalidem ya\u015fl\u0131 insanlar. Becermeleri, telefonu \u00f6\u011frenmeleri, telefonun sesini a\u00e7malar\u0131, bizim onun sesini duymam\u0131z\u0131 sa\u011flamalari cok uzun zaman ald\u0131. Yakla\u015f\u0131k zannediyorum 2 ayd\u0131r d\u00fczenli bir \u015fekilde sesini duyabiliyoruz. Onun d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda \u00e7ok uzun s\u00fcre bazen Hani bir ya da bir bu\u00e7uk ay hi\u00e7 konu\u015famad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z oluyor.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Zaten konu\u015fam\u0131yorsunuz da bir iki dakika sesini duyabiliyorsunuz. Sesinden nas\u0131l oldu\u011funu anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorsunuz. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc iyiyim dese de biliyorsunuz ki iyi olmasa da demeyecek. Sizin i\u00e7in de ayn\u0131 durum s\u00f6z konusu. B\u00f6yle bir \u015fey var. Hani herkes \u0130yiyim diyor ama bu \u00f6ylesine havaya s\u00f6ylenen bir c\u00fcmle. Yani herkes asl\u0131nda biliyor ne oldu\u011funu. Herkes bir biri \u00fcz\u00fclmesin diye s\u00f6ylenen bir \u015fey yani.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Bir y\u0131l sonras\u0131nda ge\u00e7en mektubuyla foto\u011fraf yollad\u0131. 1 y\u0131l sonra g\u00f6rmek \u00e7ok ac\u0131 (agliyor). Bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te b\u00fcy\u00fcyen bir \u00e7ocu\u011fumuz var. Cok de\u011fi\u015fti. \u015eimdi b\u00fcy\u00fcme evresinde olan bir \u00e7ocuk. \u00c7ok h\u0131zl\u0131 \u00f6\u011freniyorlar. Her mektupta genelde ona resim g\u00f6nderdik fakat resim istemedi. Hep kay\u0131nvalidemlerde kald\u0131 foto\u011fraflar. En son i\u015fte 1 ay \u00f6nce getirmelerini istemi\u015f. Kay\u0131npederim de g\u00f6ndermi\u015f mektupla. Bakam\u0131yorum foto\u011fraflara diyor. Hani bakt\u0131k\u00e7a a\u011fl\u0131yorum diyor. Bakamam\u0131\u015f. O da bakam\u0131yormu\u015f, bende bakam\u0131yorum. Hani aldim biraz baktim ama tabi yani kar\u015f\u0131n\u0131zda de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015f bir insan var artik yaslanm\u0131\u015f. O da beni bu \u015fekilde g\u00f6recek muhtemelen.
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Telefonu a\u00e7\u0131yorsunuz. Sizi telefonunu kay\u0131npederimi ar\u0131yor. Onlar bizi ar\u0131yorlar. Nas\u0131ls\u0131n iyi misin diyoruz. Bir iki ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 anlat\u0131yorsunuz sonra telefon cat kapan\u0131yor. Daha konu\u015fmak istiyorsunuz fakat m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil. An\u0131lar birikiyor, her \u015feyi birikiyor fakat siz anlatam\u0131yorsunuz. Konu\u015ftu\u011funuz \u015feyler hep belirli s\u0131n\u0131rlarda. Zaten canl\u0131 yay\u0131n gibi. Hani oradakiler duyuyor, ailenize mensup ki\u015filer duyuyor. Mektuplar \u00f6yle… Bizim g\u00f6nderdi\u011fimiz okunuyor. Onun g\u00f6nderdi\u011fi okunuyor. Hani s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131zdan hi\u00e7bir \u015fey bahsedemiyorsunuz aman \u00fcz\u00fclmesin diye.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Hani bazen b\u00f6yle geliyor i\u015fte \u00e7ok \u00f6zledim. Art\u0131k ne zaman bitecek bu \u015feyler diyor. Bazen o bana moral veriyor. Anne diyor mesela \u015feyi hi\u00e7 unutmuyorum. Ilk aylarda hani bu \u00f6zlemi \u00e7ok fazla dile getiriyordu. Bir \u015fey demi\u015fti, o ya\u015fta bir \u00e7ocuktan beklemedi\u011fim bir c\u00fcmleydi o benim. 5 ya\u015f\u0131ndayd\u0131 o zaman. Cok endi\u015feliyim babamla ilgili dedi. Biz buraday\u0131z o orada \u00e7ok endi\u015felerim var dedi.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra tabii bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te hep konu\u015fuyoruz bir \u015fekilde onu da beslemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yoruz kendimizi nas\u0131l beslemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorsak. Ge\u00e7mi\u015fte ya\u015fanm\u0131\u015f hadiselerden \u00f6rnek veriyoruz. Bunlar onu \u00e7ok etkiliyor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc sevdi\u011fi insanlar bu zamana kadar evde adlar\u0131 ge\u00e7ince sevildiklerinden bahsedilen insanlar. Iste sahabe efendilerimiz den bahsediyoruz. Peygamber Efendimizden bahsediyoruz. Veya bu zamana kadar tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131 insanlar. \u0130\u015fte \u00e7evresinde amca dedikleri, teyze dedikleri… Onlardan bahsediyoruz. \u00d6yle olunca sonra bir gun \u015fey dedi bana. Art\u0131k endi\u015felerim yok dedi. Biliyorum dedi. Allah bizim yan\u0131m\u0131zda oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in dedi biz mutlaka kazanaca\u011f\u0131z dedi. Kotuler yani \u015fimdi galip g\u00f6r\u00fcnebilir ama eninde sonunda biz kazanaca\u011f\u0131z dedi. Hi\u00e7 endi\u015fem yok babamla ilgili art\u0131k dedi.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

En \u00e7ok neye mi k\u0131z\u0131yorum? En bask\u0131n olarak \u015f\u00f6yle d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Soyle bakiyorum. Bizim insanimiz bu kadar mi yoksundu de\u011ferlerden diyorum. Bu kadar bencil olmalar\u0131na kiziyorum T\u00fcrk insaninin. Bana dokunmadi veya aman onlar\u0131n atildigi isin yerine benim oglum girdi veya aman benden de\u011fil, bizden de\u011fil. Sucu bucu deyip insanlarin bu kadar bencil olmalar\u0131na \u015fa\u015f\u0131r\u0131yorum. D\u00fc\u015fene bir tekme de sen vur \u015feklinde muamele yap\u0131nca.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z insanlar oluyor burada ya\u015fayan insanlardan. Ara ara ziyaret etti\u011fimiz (Turk olmayan\/Gayrim\u00fcslim) insanlar bize yemekten \u00f6nce oturup dua ediyorlar. Hani bir an \u00f6nce i\u015fte kurtulsunlar, bu s\u00fcre\u00e7 bitsin diye yard\u0131mc\u0131 olmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorlar. Ama bunun yan\u0131nda bizim insan\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n, hani Anadolu insani dedi\u011fimiz insan\u0131n nas\u0131l \u00f6l\u00fc topra\u011f\u0131 serpilmi\u015f gibi bu kadar k\u00f6r sa\u011f\u0131r dilsiz olmas\u0131… Bu beni ger\u00e7ekten \u00e7\u0131ld\u0131rt\u0131yor. Bu kadar bencil olmas\u0131 ger\u00e7ekten \u00e7\u0131ld\u0131rt\u0131yor. Yani ne olmas\u0131 gerekiyor. Daha ne olmas\u0131 gerekiyor?
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/i>Ama g\u00f6nl\u00fcm\u00fczdeki en bask\u0131n d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce ozlem. \u0130nsanlar acisindan bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda da; hani nas\u0131l bu kadar bencillik… o yani d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Ben te\u015fekk\u00fcr ederim in\u015fallah faydal\u0131 olur.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
Copyrighted to Undaunted Voices of Turkey<\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
She wouldn\u2019t know that her last birthday in Turkey would be the beginning of unprecedented events and a new life for her and her son in a foreign country. While debating herself to leave behind her husband imprisoned or taking her son to a safer country, she didn\u2019t know that her husband had already seen […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6241,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7],"tags":[31,9,14],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/370"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6241"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=370"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/370\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":371,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/370\/revisions\/371"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=370"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=370"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=370"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}