{"id":361,"date":"2021-01-23T10:30:15","date_gmt":"2021-01-23T15:30:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/?p=361"},"modified":"2021-01-23T10:31:05","modified_gmt":"2021-01-23T15:31:05","slug":"interview-20","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/2021\/01\/23\/interview-20\/","title":{"rendered":"Interview #20"},"content":{"rendered":"

Deciding to flee Turkey right after giving birth to her baby wasn\u2019t the hardest thing in her story. Confronting her sea phobia in a small boat and watching her husband fell off into the sea while fleeing was not, either. Yet, this is not a story of a mother only, but also the story of a 4-year-old girl who had to grow up in one night.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Back to list of interviews<\/a><\/p>\n

English Translation:<\/strong><\/p>\n

(1) <\/b><\/p>\n

I give my consent that this interview can be recorded and used.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

(2)<\/b><\/p>\n

We were living our ordinary lives in Turkey like any other Turkish citizen. Then we began to experience our share of awful things with the aftermath of July 15. Just before July 15, we were on vacation and visiting some of our relatives to celebrate Eid. My husband was in another city. By the way, my husband is a psychologist, and I am an early childhood teacher. We were both public employees. We were trying to perform our duties in the best way we could\u00a0 with great love and passion.<\/span><\/p>\n

On the night of July 15th, my husband was in the city where he used to work. I was in another city. Like everyone else, we heard the events while we were watching the news. Hours later, we started to realize what was really happening in Turkey. After the coup attempt, we were frightened about what would happen to us and started living in hiding. At the time, I was five and a half months pregnant and had a\u00a0 four and a half year old daughter.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We were living and working in my hometown before the coup attempt. We had applied to be appointed in another city in Turkey. We were planning to continue our lives in another city. After July 15th, since we feared going back to our own home, we stayed with our relatives for a while. We were so scared to continue living in our home because my husband and I were one of those people who were seriously accused. With this fear, we spent two months living here and there because we couldn\u2019t go back to our home. Then, by leaving behind everything we had, we came to the city of \u0130. to stay with my in-laws. We were so worried about what would happen to us, to the point that we couldn\u2019t stayin\u00a0 our home, and spent most of our time outside of our home.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, we decided to make some connections to flee from Turkey. Because we realized that we didn\u2019t have any right to live in Turkey anymore.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Since I was pregnant, and was in big trauma, my husband was being very careful not to involve me in the process. Then, we tried to flee Turkey by making some connections with smugglers.<\/span><\/p>\n

We sold our house 5, 6 months before we fled, for the reason of our appointment and relocation to another city. We had to sell our car way below its value, since people knew that we needed money immediately. People abused our situation, and bought our belongings way below their market value. I would like to stress that many people were victimized in every possible way during this time.<\/span><\/p>\n

After all the preparations were done, we went to the western side of Turkey, near the Aegean Sea. We were told that it was impossible for me to flee through the Evros River, since I was 7 and a half months pregnant. With great promises, and very expensive deals, human smugglers gave their word to us that they would help us flee in two days through the Aegean Sea to Greece. Furthermore, they promised us that I would\u00a0 be able to give birth in the country that we wanted to go with no problem.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even though they gave their word to us, they made us wait for more than four months in I.. My due date was getting close, and we needed to find a hospital for labor. We were very worried.Where would I go for labor? How would we do it?\u00a0 We finally found a doctor in a private hospital with the help of our friends who had fled Turkey before us. We went to that doctor, and she helped us as much as she could. We were very grateful to her. I went into the operating room for labor at 9:30 in the morning, and I was discharged the same day at around 3pm.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Even though the doctor warned me that it was highly risky to leave the hospital in this situation, I couldn\u2019t stay in the hospital any longer. Actually, there are so many fine details to tell you, but I am scared to talk about them. I can\u2019t tell you. I do not feel strong enough to tell them. While I am telling my story to you now, I really want to get over with it. I am just trying to outline my story.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was in the hospital, there was no one with me but my husband. However, even he couldn\u2019t come up to my room because of the fear that authorities would notice and arrest him. He was waiting outside, around the hospital. What would a mother feel when she goes into labor? She would be very excited to meet her baby for the first time. I didn\u2019t feel any of it. I went in and out with many worries. Would I see my husband after labor? What would happen to my four and a half year old daughter if something happened to me or my husband? Fortunately, I saw my husband after giving birth. As soon as I started to feel my legs again when the anaesthesia faded away, we asked for our immediate discharge from the hospital. I held my baby, and apologized to her.\u00a0 I apologized for greeting her with fear and worry.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After I was discharged from the hospital, the people, I\u00a0 mean the smugglers we found, took us from the hospital to a town in I. The car that we were taken in was terrible. I mean, it was in a condition that no patient should be carried in it. They took us to the town through very remote, small roads because of the traffic controls on regular roads. We waited in that small town hoping that they would take us soon. We thought we would leave in a couple of days, however two and a half\u00a0 months passed waiting.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

One day, the smugglers came and told us that we needed to leave.They would help us cross the sea border. They gave us some clothing like fisherman suits. They made us wear these waist-high waders with rubber boots, like fishermen usually wear. We were in shock. Normally, my husband and I are very logical people. We question things to make the right decisions. Because we were rushing to leave the country as soon as we could, we weren\u2019t even questioning why we were wearing these fisherman suits instead of life vests. I mean, we were doing whatever they asked us to do without a single question.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We put the outfits on as they directed, and got on a boat that was very tiny. This was totally the opposite of what they promised us. They promised us a very safe way, and we made the payment for a safer way but the way they provided us was not what they promised. We got on that small boat, and the journey started. By the way, I was born and raised in a small town in the southeast of Turkey, and I did not see the ocean until I was 23-24 years old. As a person feared from the sea, I got in a boat with my 2.5-month-old baby and the boat started moving.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was a rainy, windy, stormy, dark night on February 7th. While we were on our way to a Greek island, we came across a Greek Coast Guard boat. While we were running away from the Greek Coast Guard, the Turkish Coast Guard saw us. While the boats were coming toward us so fast like a bird flying above the sea, our captain was trying to run away from them with our small boat. While all of this was happening, one of the smugglers was telling our captain on the phone, \u201cSteer your boat towards the Coast Guard boat. If they see that there is a baby on board, they will let you go.\u201d You can see how desperate we were to entrust our lives to these people. Fortunately, my husband and I stepped in, and would not let him do that. We asked the man driving the boat to go back to the Turkey side –\u00a0 there was nothing else to do at that time. Thankfully, he listened to us. While we were going back to the Turkey side, we encountered gigantic fish farms which were a couple kilometers away from the Turkish coast in the Aegean Sea. When our captain tried to hide our boat right behind these farms, our boat was caught by a rope in the water.<\/span><\/p>\n

We started to pray in the boat. There was nothing else to do, but pray. I was in a boat with my 2.5-month-old baby and 4-year-old girl in the freezing cold night. We could not feel our arms or legs. Before the journey, I had spoken and prepared my daughter about the possible situations that we might face, and told her that we would need her help to complete this journey. Even though her hands and feet were freezing, she didn\u2019t say a word about it. How maturely she was acting. There was another couple with us in the boat, and they were amazed by my daughter’s maturity under these circumstances.<\/span><\/p>\n

After our boat was caught by a rope in the sea, the Coast Guard gave up coming after us, thank God. Miraculously, they might have assumed that our boat was turned upside down, or thought we could be fishermen. Either way they stopped following us. Then, we went back to the coast where we got on the boat. We contacted the smugglers to get us. The smugglers were kind of mad at us. They didn\u2019t tell us directly but our return made them really angry. Anyway, they took us to the place where we had been living for the last couple of months. Also the person who had told our captain half an hour ago to \u201cRide your boat towards the Coast Guard boat\u201d was now saying, \u201dCoast guards deliberately sank other refugee boats by poking them with a skewer.\u201d Imagine who we entrusted our lives. Even though they knew that the coast guards were going after refugee boats, and sank them, they still sent us through the same path. Unfortunately, we were so desperate that we entrusted our children\u2019s lives to these people.<\/span><\/p>\n

The night we returned, we were in a great shock. I was breastfeeding while I was having all this fear and tension. We couldn\u2019t sleep that night at all. I have been telling this story in 2-3 minutes only but we were in the middle of the sea for more than four hours. It was windy, freezing cold, on a pitch black night in February. I cannot tell you how terrifying this experience was. Even though we were really eager to leave Turkey as soon as possible, I told my husband that \u201cI hope they won\u2019t arrange another trip till next week. We need to recover from what we have gone through tonight.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The next day, they arranged another small boat. We were still in shock. I was holding my baby so tight in the boat. Right after we embarked, 5-10 meters away from the coast, our boat broke down. They fixed it and then we were moving in the Aegean Sea once again. The weather was the same – freezing cold and rainy. The sea was heavy with lots of waves. I am not exaggerating, our boat went 2-3 meters up and down over the sea on the waves.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks to God, my baby was sleeping with the sound of the waves and the sound from the engine of the boat. I was in shock holding my baby tight, just praying to God, and seeking refuge in the Absolute Trustworthy. We were begging God \u201cfor the sake of our kids, please don\u2019t leave us helpless.\u201d Normally, a 15-minute trip took us 2 hours. We heard a loud sound 15-20 minutes before the end of the trip. I was neither feeling nor noticing anything happening around me, the loud sound woke me up and I realized that it was my husband who had just fallen off the boat. In front of my 4 year old daughter’s eyes, I was terrified with my daughter next to me, and my baby on my lap. What can I do in the darkness of the night in the sea where I can’t even go in during the daytime? I was searching for him, but couldn\u2019t see him. Fortunately, he knew how to swim, and he reached the boat by himself. We got off the boat, the nightmare was finally over.<\/span><\/p>\n

After reaching the shore, we looked back at the lights of our country for the last time wondering if we would see it again. Despite everything we had been through, I wanted to know how I felt and I wanted to test my love for my country when I looked back. It turned out that I loved my country and I still do. By the way, I would like to mention that I am the granddaughter of a Gallipoli veteran who fought for 4 years to protect his country. He went to war when he was only 3 days married. I was raised with this consciousness and respect. I want to underline that they accused people like me of being a terrorist. They accused the people who could never, ever be one.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As soon as we stepped on the island, my baby woke up. Then, we sat down on pebbles. We were fugitives in a country which was completely different from my country in terms of language, culture, everything. I was trying to breastfeed my baby so that she wouldn’t attract the attention of people around by crying. It was still night time but there were people here and there passing by. We were still wearing the rubber suits. I tried to take them off but I couldn\u2019t. We also forgot our shoes in the car before we got on the boat. We were\u00a0 wearing large rubber waist-high fisherman wader suits. In our country fishermen and firefighters wear these kinds of suits, with the boots being part of the suit.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My husband and I are both 36 years old. After living 36 years, we left our country with two backpacks and two children. Then, I just remembered that I put a nail clipper on the side of my backpack in case we might need it. I used that little nail clipper to separate the rubber body of the suit from the boots. Finally, I breastfed my baby sitting on the pebbles on this beach.<\/span><\/p>\n

We stayed there for about an hour. Then, my daughter started to complain about how cold and tired she was. She couldn’t take it anymore.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, we walked for about one to two kilometers. Then, a native of that country saw us, and came close to us. He asked us questions like \u201cDid you enter the country illegally?\u201d and so on. Then he offered us his help, but we were in fear after all the evil we saw from our own people. He came with good intentions and tried to direct us to a suitable hotel. Moreover, he even came with us to the hotel, and then left. We tried to get a room in that hotel where mostly Syrian, Iraqi, and Afghan refugees were staying.<\/span><\/p>\n

We stayed in that hotel for 2-3 days. I was so traumatized I could barely eat and talk. I was trying to breastfeed my baby and take care of my daughter but I don\u2019t remember any details from that period at all. I was told that I didn\u2019t talk for two to three days. My husband told me that when he\u00a0 talked to me, I was responding just by shaking my head. He was aware of my situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

After 3 days, we needed to leave the island and go to the A.. There, we would figure out how to get to the country that we ultimately wanted to go. Anyhow, my husband bought the ferry tickets to go to A. We got on the ferry, and we were trying not to attract any attention as we were illegal immigrants in the country. We were deadly scared. For 36 years, we lived as straight arrows without breaking any law or rule. Now, we were having the shame, fear, and anxiety of staying in a different country as illegal immigrants.<\/span><\/p>\n

We got on the ferry with the fear of getting caught. I was sitting on a chair, and I wanted to breastfeed my baby. However, I couldn\u2019t because of my sitting position. I changed my sitting spot, then the ferry crew came close to us and told us they wanted to give us a private room as a gift for the sake of the baby. I can\u2019t tell you how grateful we were. The conditions in the hotel room were terrible and unhealthy. We stayed there for 3 days. I couldn\u2019t properly eat and sleep in those 3 days.<\/span><\/p>\n

As we were getting away from Turkey, I was recovering from the fear and anxiety I felt. As time passed, I started to feel more secure. Especially in the private room on that ferry, we rested very well, my daughter took a shower. It was a 12-hour trip, but it felt like an hour. It was a great feeling after a long time. We arrived in A. We tried to arrange a place for us. We changed hotels, and talked to friends about our options to get to the country we want to settle.<\/span><\/p>\n

They shared their experiences with us. They suggested that we apply for asylum, so we wouldn\u2019t get caught as illegal immigrants. With these concerns, we woke up at 5 am in the morning, woke the kids and dressed them, and then went to an asylum center to apply for asylum. The center was very crowded, and the lines were very long to the point you couldn\u2019t see the beginning of the line. There were so many people from so many different countries and cultures. I noticed that the majority of the people were from Syria. I felt very awkward. The Syrian refugees were so common in our country. I was seeing them everywhere. Now, I am in a similar situation. On that day, I realized how far I was away from \u201cthis world.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I learned what asylum is, what refugee means. We always read news about refugees, and felt their pain, and tried to empathize with them. Even though we were at the beginning of this new life, I realized that experiencing this first hand is quite different than from reading or hearing about it. I myself had hired a Syrian refugee as a house cleaner. In one of our conversations, she told me that she had been a nurse in Syria. She had to leave her country and come to Turkey. She started to work as a house cleaner to earn her living. I felt very sorry for her, and tried my hardest to empathize with her situation. When I was waiting in the line,I realized I had no idea about what she had been going through.<\/span><\/p>\n

We waited for about one and a half hours in the line. The line was not moving. It was very long, and people were angry and they argued. There were small fights, and noises among the crowd. My older daughter started to cry by complaining about how cold she felt, and how hungry she was. At that moment, my life flashed in front of my eyes. I asked myself, \u201cWhy are we here? \u201cWhat are we doing here? \u201cWhat did we do wrong to deserve this?\u201d I was unaware that I was crying. An Armenian young woman next to us noticed that I was crying and came to us. Apparently she cried as well seeing us crying.<\/span><\/p>\n

She was a kind, well-dressed, and pretty woman. She asked us where we were from, and calmed us down with a nice, friendly chat. She offered a napkin. I did not see her talking to anyone else there. It felt really good to talk to someone friendly. Such friendly behavior from a complete stranger made me feel how we were treated in Turkey. I did not see such nice treatment from my own people. Sharing such painful experiences makes people very close even though they come from very different backgrounds. We were feeling happy and upset at the same time with these mixed feelings.<\/span><\/p>\n

When my husband saw me crying, he changed his mind. The kids were cold and crying as well. We went back without making an application for asylum. In the following days, we kept changing hotels. We had already given away almost everything we had to the smugglers. We had very little left and we were trying to survive. After two weeks, my husband found a rental apartment online, and we rented it for a month.<\/span><\/p>\n

The apartment was very small, 3-4 meters below the ground, with a very tiny window. I could see the feet of the bypassers in the street. I am explaining these not to complain about it but to describe our pitiful situation. When we compared this situation to our lives a few months prior, there was a huge difference and the difference increased as time passed. We spent two weeks in that apartment. I could not sleep since we were illegal immigrants in that country. We were not used to living like this. I was feeling terrible.<\/span><\/p>\n

We entered the country illegally, but I was feeling like I committed the worst crime in the world. I could not sleep because if the kids woke up, and made a noise, we might disturb others or the cops might come. I feared police officers in my country, and I couldn\u2019t overcome this feeling at that time. We spent two weeks like this in that small basement apartment. Days passed wondering what we would do. And one morning, some lesions started to appear on my body.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, my body had started to react to all of this. I could not say this to my husband as he was already under a lot of distress. A couple of days later he noticed it himself and we rushed to leave that country. The money left was enough to make one attempt to go to the country we wanted to live. We could buy tickets to that country, and we would have no money left for another try. If we could not achieve this, we had to stay in this country. On the other hand, our passports were not the original ones.<\/span><\/p>\n

In our agreement with the human smugglers, they promised us proper passports. However, they gave us counterfeit passports. Since we did not have any other choice, we had to accept it. Anyways, we spent 40-42 days in Greece. In those 42 days, there was no rain whatsoever. Very interestingly, the night before our flight, it started raining. It was raining so peacefully and beautifully that I could not describe how nice the rain was. We woke up early as the flight was early in the morning. Then, we got to the airport. When we went to the airport, we tried not to attract attention.<\/span><\/p>\n

We got in line for passport control. Fortunately, everything worked out smoothly. We got on the bus to take us to our plane. My younger daughter was about 4 months old at that time. I held my husband\u2019s hands. Along the way since the morning, she did not make any sound. She was completely silent. When we got on the bus, she started humming something\u00a0 like a nice melody. I don\u2019t know. She might have felt the happy feeling surrounding us.<\/span><\/p>\n

I cannot express the feeling I had. It felt like we left all the evil, pain, and desperation behind. We got on the plane, and came to the country we would like to live. For a year and a half, we had been in a European country, Sweden. We were in a refugee camp for several months.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We are waiting here. To start a new life, to build a proper life for our family, to stand on our own feet, we are waiting here.<\/span><\/p>\n

In this process, I really felt sorry for my older daughter. She went through an unbearable experience at that age. She was all alone. She cried a lot, and she withdrew herself from everything. She said that she does not like this new country, and she wants to go back to our country. She wants to be with her friends. She often asked why we were there. She could only bear these changes as much as she can.<\/span><\/p>\n

On the other hand, we always believe in God\u2019s power and justice. We were not punished because of something we did. There was a storm, and we got our share from it. We still hear the news of so many other unfortunate people, mothers, and children who\u00a0 died during this storm. When we think of them, we see that everyone has his or her own story.<\/span><\/p>\n

There is a saying in Turkish: \u201cFire burns where it falls.\u201d Everyone\u2019s own pain is very hard for them. We lived through very painful, hard days. I could not properly express the feelings I had.I\u00a0 do not have the strength to describe all the feelings I experienced. Even though we went through very hard times, we feel fortunate compared to others in this period. We learned a lot about the unfaithfulness of the people. We saw how so-called \u201creligious\u201d, \u201cpious\u201d, and \u201chumanitarian\u201d people can change in different circumstances. We lived and learned through our first-hand experience that they were indeed not what we had thought of them.<\/span><\/p>\n

I started this journey in this storm with my family. Thank God, I am still continuing this journey with them. I just wanted to share something else. Just before this period began, my mother passed away. I also lost my very close cousin, whom we grew up together, at 27 years of age. Their graves are next to each other. My dad passed away 15 years ago. It was the first time I said \u201cFortunately, my mother passed away before all this, and she did not see these days.\u201d She would be devastated if she saw the things we\u2019ve been through during this period. She would suffer and something might have happened to her\u00a0 because of me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, I would be devastated, I would perish. I\u00a0 mean, life would not have any meaning for me. There are many things I want to say, but I cannot express myself. I am very grateful that my close friends, and my relatives stood up with us along this very hard journey. My dad and my mom are not alive, but our friends supported us all the way. I hear similar things from my friends. On the other hand, there are people where their close families turned their back, and rejected them during this period. Considering these kinds of stories, I feel very lucky. I am very happy, and feeling very lucky. My relatives and friends always supported me. I guess that\u2019s all I want to say for now.<\/span><\/p>\n

(3)<\/b><\/p>\n

We always see in movies, and read in books that \u201cPeople won\u2019t feel physical pain or could suppress it, if they have a bigger spiritual\/mental pain.\u201d I guess I had a similar experience. I was physically hurting , but was able to suppress it. Because there was a huge fear in me. I was so afraid of the possibility that if my husband and I went to jail, my daughter and my baby\u00a0 would be helpless. Since this fear was so big, I could tolerate any physical pain. My health was in critical condition, but I did not care about my health, and checked out of the hospital as soon as I could despite my doctor\u2019s many warnings. This is because the hospitals report their patients\u2019 information to the authorities after a certain time during the day. If we had not checked out immediately, my husband and I could have ended up in jail in no time. My kids would be without anyone. We heard several similar stories. They arrested several people from hospitals, and sent their kids to orphanages. They did not even give the children to their relatives. After I heard this news, I always had this fear. That\u2019s why the pain I felt after labor could not stop me, or I did not feel the pain too much.<\/span><\/p>\n

(4)<\/b><\/p>\n

My baby\u2019s diaper needed to be changed, and there was no help around. I hardly stood up, and went to the baby\u2019s crib by leaning to the bed. I changed her diaper. I, of course, felt terrible pain in my body at that time.<\/span><\/p>\n

(5)<\/strong><\/p>\n

It was again a great fear. I saw the ocean for the first time in my life when I was about 23 years old. I had enormous sea phobia. I could barely walk on the shore. When I got close to the sea, I cannot express how much fear I felt. When I closed my eyes, I felt like I could not save my baby in the sea. Something terrible would happen to her. She would drown in the dark sea. I imagined the sea as a monster, and the waves as nightmares. I cannot explain enough how terrified I was. Thank God, we crossed the sea border safely. In the boat, there was a low place. My husband had me sit there, and made me crouch, as he knew about my phobia. I tried not to think about the sea. I was feeling like it was doomsday. I\u00a0 was feeling like it was the end of the days and\u00a0 I was in it with my children. It was that kind of a fear.<\/span><\/p>\n

(6)<\/b><\/p>\n

She stood up, and screamed \u201cDaddy!\u201d She said \u201cMom, daddy fell off into the sea!.\u201d She was terrified, and her big eyes were wide open. She was holding her hands firmly, and trying to do something. However, she could not do anything to save her dad, she did not have the power to do anything. The others on the boat thought he did not know how to swim, and they were trying to help him. The first couple of minutes, we could not see him because of the darkness. He fell from the back of the boat as the boat was faster. Then, thank God, he was a good swimmer, and in a couple of minutes, we saw that he was fine in the sea. I told my daughter, \u201cLook, he is coming. He made it!\u201d Allah helped him, and he survived the fall.<\/span><\/p>\n

(7)<\/b><\/p>\n

There was an arrest warrant for my husband. He was an executive member in an association, and a union, and he held different positions. Because of my husband\u2019s arrest warrant, they opened an investigation about me, too. Just 2-3 days after July 15, the cops came to our house. We were not at home, we learned it from our apartment-keeper. This is because we could not go back to our house to get our belongings.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Some nights, we entered our house secretly like a burglar to get some of our belongings. We left our daughter with a friend during that period since we could not explain to her the things that were happening. She was asking for her toys, and belongings. Just the other day, she said \u201cI am mad at you, Mom.\u201d I asked \u201cWhy?\u201d She remembered one of her toys. It was a doggie her grandmother gave her and she accused us of leaving it behind. She thinks that we will go back home.<\/span><\/p>\n

Since she did not know why we left our home, she could not understand why we could not go back. She always assumed we would go back to our home at some point. She was always talking about what she would take when we got back to our home. Now, she is 7 years old. Thank goodness, she behaved very maturely along this process. Maybe, she was more mature and brave than many adults during this period.<\/span><\/p>\n

Let me tell you another incident. We bought her some shoes for winter when we lived in the city waiting for the smugglers. The boots blinked some colorful lights when you stepped on the heels.\u00a0 When we were coming back after our first attempt to flee, the unsuccessful one because of the coast guard, the other lady passenger at the boat told my daughter, \u201cDon\u2019t press toward heels. They can see you because of the lights on the shoes.\u201d We forgot about it, but she tiptoed for a couple of kilometers so the lights would not blink. After reaching the door of the house, she asked the lady \u201cCan I step on my heels, and walk normally now?\u201d I don\u2019t know what this means to anybody else, but it means a lot to a mother.<\/span><\/p>\n

(8)<\/b><\/p>\n

I feel like I did not know my countrymen the whole time. In this period, there were babies, mothers died in escape roads when fleeing. The comments on the news were completely disgusting, inhuman. I am glad to leave that country. I feel lucky not to live with these people in the same boundaries. I feel fortunate my kids will not grow up with those people in that country, in that culture. I think the country where I live now has much better humanitarian values.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Fortunately, I did not see any unfaithfulness from my close relatives. However, I am very disappointed with some of my very close friends. I was tested with their horrible attitudes towards me during this period. I was away for 2 years, and my very close friends did not try to reach me. Some of them were afraid of being friends with me. Some of them removed my contact info from their phones. They knew that I was completely innocent, and I was the victim here. However, because of the fear of losing their comfort, they ignored us. I am very disappointed with these people. At the same time, I am very happy that I don\u2019t have to live with them anymore. If we did not have this experience, I would think that they are very good friends, and very good people. This process taught me who deserves my friendship, and who doesn\u2019t. <\/span><\/p>\n

(9)<\/b><\/p>\n

I am very sorry for my country, and my flag and I mean it. I am very sad to see my countrymen\u2019s current situation. They should have been more truthful, and more humanistic. I cannot say more about this issue.<\/span><\/p>\n

(10)<\/b><\/p>\n

I may not get the question right, but I believe you asked about the changes in my personal life, and in my personality after this process. Of course, there were many changes. My priorities in life changed. I tried to understand \u201cthe importance of life\u201d better. I realized that life was not so simple as we imagined before. Here, I met many people from very different backgrounds, like people from Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and many more. I listened to their stories. I realized that the life given to us is very, very important. We need to appreciate its value, and live accordingly. I can say that these were the positive changes in my life.<\/span><\/p>\n

For negative changes, since I survived my pregnancy, and the period right after I gave birth in this unfortunate process, I became a more impatient, and intolerant person. I can not stand kids making noise anymore. I sometimes get very angry with my daughter for no reason. When I realize what I am doing, I regret it. I question myself why I behave that way. I think these are the effects of the experiences we had during this period. I connected very tightly with my husband after these events, since all we have is each other to support one another. I will be more conscious, and more sensitive for our future life together. I realized that I have to be stronger, healthier, and hold myself together.<\/span><\/p>\n

Turkish Transcription:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Back to list of interviews<\/a><\/p>\n

(1)
\n<\/b><\/p>\n

Ben, \u015fu an anlataca\u011f\u0131m hikayenin kayda ge\u00e7irilmesine izin veriyorum. Kaydedilmesine ve kullan\u0131lmas\u0131na izin veriyorum.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

(2)<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Biz de her T\u00fcrk vatanda\u015f\u0131 gibi, T\u00fcrkiye’deki normal insanlar gibi, hayat\u0131m\u0131za devam ederken, malum 15 Temmuz s\u00fcreci ile beraber, biz de nasibimize d\u00fc\u015fen k\u00f6t\u00fc \u015feyler ya\u015famaya ba\u015flad\u0131k. O tarihten \u00f6nce biz i\u015fte bayram ziyaretlerimizi yap\u0131yorduk aile b\u00fcy\u00fcklerimize, vesaire tatildeydik. E\u015fim ba\u015fka bir \u015fehirdeydi. E\u015fim bu arada psikolog, ben de okul \u00f6ncesi \u00f6\u011fretmeniydim. Kamu \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan\u0131yd\u0131k. E\u015fim devlet kurumunda, ben de devlet okulunda \u00f6\u011fretmendik. \u0130kimiz de g\u00f6revimizi b\u00fcy\u00fck bir a\u015fkla icra etmeye gayret eden, g\u00f6revini en g\u00fczel \u015fekilde icra etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan insanlard\u0131k.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

15 Temmuz gecesi e\u015fim resmi i\u015fler sebebiyle g\u00f6rev yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 ildeydi. Ben de ba\u015fka bir ildeydim. \u0130\u015fte biz de b\u00fct\u00fcn insanlar gibi haber izlerken bu olay\u0131n varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 duyduk. Ne oldu\u011funu tabi saatler sonra anlamaya ba\u015flad\u0131k. O s\u00fcre\u00e7ten sonra i\u015fte tabii biz ka\u00e7ak g\u00f6\u00e7ek ya\u015famaya ba\u015flad\u0131k, korktuk. Binbir korku ile.Tabii ben hamileydim. Ben be\u015f bu\u00e7uk alt\u0131 ayl\u0131k hamileydim. Benim d\u00f6rt ya\u015f\u0131nda, d\u00f6rt bu\u00e7uk ya\u015f\u0131nda, k\u0131z\u0131m var. Onunla beraber i\u015fte orada burada, benim do\u011fdu\u011fum b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm \u015fehirde yasiyorduk.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Memleketim olan \u015fehirde g\u00f6rev yap\u0131yorduk.Yer de\u011fi\u015ftirecektik, yani tayin filan istemi\u015ftik yer de\u011fi\u015ftirecektik. Ba\u015fka \u015fehre ge\u00e7ip orada hayat\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 devam etmeyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorduk. Ondan sonra, bu 15 Temmuz\u2019dan sonra i\u015fte, akrabalar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n yan\u0131nda orada burada\u2026 Tekrar kendi evimize gitmeye korktuk. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc malum, hani biz de bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te su\u00e7lanan b\u00fcy\u00fck su\u00e7larla su\u00e7lanan ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n de\u011ferlendirmesi ile su\u00e7lanan insanlardan birileri idik. Biz de, ben de e\u015fim de ondan sonra evimize gelemedik. Her g\u00fcn bir yerlerde. \u201cNe olaca\u011f\u0131z?\u201d , i\u015fte bu korkuyla falan \u00f6yle bir, i\u0307ki ay\u0131m\u0131z ge\u00e7ti. Sonra apar topar her \u015feyimizi orada b\u0131rak\u0131p, ondan sonra \u015fey, kay\u0131n babamlar\u0131n yan\u0131na geldik. Kay\u0131n babamlar \u0130.\u2019dalar. Onlar\u0131n yan\u0131na geldik. Orada, tabi \u00f6yle evde korku ile falan duruyoruz, ediyoruz. \u00c7ok duram\u0131yoruz, daha do\u011frusu hep d\u0131\u015farday\u0131z.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra \u00f6yle b\u00f6yle bir tak\u0131m ba\u011flant\u0131lar kurarak yurt d\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kmaya karar verdik. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc art\u0131k T\u00fcrkiye’de ya\u015fam hakk\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n kalmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 gorduk.Yani 2 y\u0131ld\u0131r orada kalmaya gayret eden, 2 y\u0131ld\u0131r orada kal\u0131p sonra tekrar \u00e7\u0131kmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan insanlar da, benim bu s\u00f6yledi\u011fim \u015feylerin apa\u00e7\u0131k birer \u00f6rne\u011fi oluyorlar. Kalkt\u0131k d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. E\u015fim, ben hamile oldu\u011fum i\u00e7in, b\u00fcy\u00fck bir \u015fok i\u00e7inde oldu\u011fum i\u00e7in, b\u00fcy\u00fck bir travman\u0131n i\u00e7inde oldu\u011fum i\u00e7in, beni \u00e7ok olaylara m\u00fcdahil etmemeye gayret ediyordu. Ondan sonra birtak\u0131m ba\u011flant\u0131lar kurarak yurt d\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131karmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u0130\u015fte o s\u00fcre\u00e7te g\u00f6rev sebebiyle il de\u011fi\u015ftirmeyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz i\u00e7in be\u015f alt\u0131 ay \u00f6ncesinde evimizi satm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k, ondan sonra bir tane arabam\u0131z vard\u0131 arabay\u0131 \u00e7ok daha ucuza satt\u0131k. \u0130nsanlar da fark\u0131ndalar o s\u00fcre\u00e7te bizlerin bir an \u00f6nce paraya ihtiyac\u0131 oldu\u011funu bilip, elimizdeki mallar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 hak etti\u011finden \u00e7ok daha d\u00fc\u015f\u00fck fiyatlarla almaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorlard\u0131. Bunlar\u0131 belirtmek istiyorum, insani a\u00e7\u0131dan etik kurallar\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131s\u0131ndan ne kadar \u00f6nemli oldu\u011funun bilinmesini, bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te her a\u00e7\u0131dan insanlar\u0131n bir \u015fekilde ma\u011fdur edildi\u011finin bilinmesini istedi\u011fim i\u00e7in anlat\u0131yorum, belirtiyorum.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u0130\u015fte bu haz\u0131rl\u0131klar yap\u0131ld\u0131ktan sonra kalkt\u0131k Ege taraflar\u0131na gitmi\u015ftik. Ben hamile oldu\u011fum i\u00e7in de Meri\u00e7\u2019ten filan ge\u00e7me \u015fans\u0131m yok tabii. Ben bu arada art\u0131k\u00a0 7 – 7 bu\u00e7uk ayl\u0131k hamileyim. Ondan sonra Ege’den b\u00fcy\u00fck vaatlerle ciddi paralarla, hemen \u00e7\u0131kartacaklar\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6ylediler var\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 yo\u011fumuzu verdik. Bizi iki g\u00fcn i\u00e7erisinde apar topar hemen \u00e7\u0131karacaklar\u0131n\u0131 hatta do\u011fumu bizim gitmek istedi\u011fimiz \u00fclkede yapabilece\u011fimin falan s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc verdiler.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Geldik, \u0130zmir’de i\u015fte bug\u00fcn yar\u0131n, bug\u00fcn yar\u0131n diye diye tam d\u00f6rt bu\u00e7uk ay bizi beklettiler. Benim do\u011fumum yakla\u015ft\u0131. Ben art\u0131k do\u011fum yapmak zorunday\u0131m. Nerede yapaca\u011f\u0131z? Nas\u0131l yapaca\u011f\u0131z? Art\u0131k, hani, onun tela\u015f\u0131 sard\u0131 bizi. Ondan sonra i\u015fte yurt d\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan ba\u011flant\u0131 oldu\u011fumuz arkada\u015flar vard\u0131. Sa\u011folsunlar yard\u0131mc\u0131 oldular, \u00f6zel bir hastanedeki bir doktorun ismini verdiler. Onun yan\u0131na gittik Ondan sonra i\u015fte doktor han\u0131m, sa\u011folsun, \u00e7ok yard\u0131mc\u0131 oldu bize. Hemen elinden geleni yapt\u0131. Beni sabah\u0131n erken saatinde ameliyat\u0131 ald\u0131. Saat 9.30 gibi falan ben ameliyata girdim. Saat 3 gibi apar topar hastaneden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Doktorun, \u00f6zellikle bu \u015fekilde \u00e7\u0131kman\u0131n tehlikeli oldu\u011funu, sa\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131m a\u00e7\u0131s\u0131ndan \u00e7ok risk ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 belirtmesine ra\u011fmen hastanede kalamad\u0131m. Asl\u0131nda o kadar ince detaylar var ki bunlar\u0131 dile getirmeye korkuyorum, anlatam\u0131yorum. Yani o g\u00fcc\u00fc kendimde bulam\u0131yorum. Hani anlat\u0131rken bile \u00e7abuk \u00e7abuk anlatmak istiyorum. Bitsin bir an \u00f6nce, anlatay\u0131m ge\u00e7sin diye, anahatlar\u0131yla anlatmaya gayret ediyorum, \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Hastanedeyim. Tabi hi\u00e7 kimse yok orada, e\u015fim var. E\u015fim hastanenin a\u015fa\u011f\u0131s\u0131nda. Hastane i\u00e7ine falan bile do\u011fru d\u00fczg\u00fcn giremiyor. Ameliyata girerken bir anne ne d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnebilir tahmin edebilirsiniz. Hani bebe\u011fini kuca\u011f\u0131na alma heyecan\u0131n\u0131, \u015feyini, ya\u015far. Ben bunlar\u0131n hi\u00e7birini ya\u015famad\u0131m. Ben hep korkuyla girdim. \u00c7\u0131karken e\u015fimi g\u00f6rebilecek miyim? Benim d\u00f6rt bu\u00e7uk ya\u015f\u0131ndaki k\u0131z\u0131m nerede kalacak, ne olacak? Babas\u0131 giderse o tek ba\u015f\u0131na ne yapacak? O kaybolursa ne olacak? Hep bu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerle girdim ameliyata, bu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerle \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. Neyse ki \u00e7\u0131karken \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr e\u015fimi g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. \u015e\u00fckrettim tabii. Ondan sonra \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k. Anestezinin etkisi ge\u00e7er ge\u00e7mez bacaklar\u0131m\u0131 filan hissetmeye ba\u015flar ba\u015flamaz hemen \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 istedik hastaneden. Kalkt\u0131m, bebe\u011fimi ald\u0131m kuca\u011f\u0131ma. Ondan \u00f6z\u00fcr diledim. Yani onu korkuyla kayg\u0131yla onu huzursuzlukta kar\u015f\u0131lad\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in \u00f6z\u00fcr diledim ondan art\u0131k.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra bu anla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z, g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz adamlar hastaneden al\u0131p bizi \u0130.\u2019in bir il\u00e7esine g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcler.Tabii yolda gidiyoruz. \u015eey bir araba b\u00f6yle, yani kesinlikle bir hastan\u0131n asla binmemesi gereken \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc bir arabayd\u0131.\u00a0 \u00c7ok farkl\u0131 yollardan g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcler, yolda \u00e7evirmeler var diye. Ondan sonra bizi g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcler.\u0130.\u2019in bir il\u00e7esinde gittik. Orada iki bu\u00e7uk ay falan bekledik. Her g\u00fcn bug\u00fcn diye, yar\u0131n diye diye iki bu\u00e7uk ay falan ge\u00e7ti.\u00a0<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Bir g\u00fcn, \u201chadi \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yorsunuz\u201d dediler. \u00c7\u0131karacaklar bizi. \u00dcst\u00fcm\u00fcze \u015fey getirdiler. B\u00f6yle bal\u0131k\u00e7\u0131lar\u0131n giydi\u011fi tulumlar var, plastik \u00e7izmeleriyle b\u00fct\u00fcn olan. Hani g\u00f6vdeden ge\u00e7en b\u00fct\u00fcn olan tulumlar giydirdiler bize. Biz o kadar \u015foktay\u0131z ki. Normalde e\u015fim \u00e7ok sorgulayan, \u00e7ok mant\u0131kl\u0131 \u00e7ok sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 karar verebilen bir insan. Ondan sonra ben de ayn\u0131 \u015fekilde. Hani can yelekleri yerine o tulumlar\u0131 bize giydirdiler ve biz bir an \u00f6nce \u00e7\u0131kal\u0131m gidelim korkusundan, tela\u015f\u0131nda oldu\u011fumuz i\u00e7in hi\u00e7bir \u015feyi sorgulam\u0131yorum. Bu insanlar bizi ne \u015fekle koyuyorsa bizi nas\u0131l y\u00f6nlendiriyor ise biz evet diyoruz. Hi\u00e7 sorgulamadan, \u015fey yapmadan, ele\u015ftirmeden direk devam ediyoruz.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Giydik onlar\u0131. Ondan sonra bizi de bindirdiler minik bir tekneye. Normalde s\u00f6ylediklerinden \u00e7ok farkl\u0131 durumlara bizi \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131lar. Normalde \u00e7ok daha g\u00fcvenli, \u00e7ok daha farkl\u0131 vaad etmi\u015flerdi. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc o \u015fekilde biz maddi kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 vermi\u015ftik ama ba\u015fka \u015feyler geli\u015fti. Ondan sonra k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck b\u00f6yle minik bir tekne mi desem, art\u0131k ne desem, onun i\u00e7ine bindirdiler bizi ve yol almaya ba\u015flad\u0131k. Ben bu arada \u00f6mr\u00fcmde do\u011fru d\u00fcr\u00fcst denize\u2026 Ben 23 -24 ya\u015f\u0131nda\u00a0 denizi g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Ben T\u00fcrkiye’den G\u00fcneydo\u011fu’nun k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir \u015fehrinde do\u011fmu\u015f b\u00fcy\u00fcm\u00fc\u015f bir insan\u0131m. Deniz korkusu olan deniz fobisi olan bir insan\u0131m ve \u00e7ocu\u011fumla iki bu\u00e7uk ayl\u0131k bebe\u011fimle ben o bota bindim ve yol almaya ba\u015flad\u0131k.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Hava ya\u011fmurlu. \u015eubat’\u0131n ba\u015flar\u0131, 7 \u015eubat. Hava r\u00fczgarl\u0131. F\u0131rt\u0131nal\u0131 bir hava, deniz kapkaranl\u0131k, so\u011fuk. Ondan sonra, gidiyoruz i\u015fte. Giderken kar\u015f\u0131m\u0131za \u015fey \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131. Kar\u015f\u0131m\u0131za sahil g\u00fcvenlik \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131, Yunan Sahil G\u00fcvenli\u011fi. Yunan Sahil g\u00fcvenli\u011finden ka\u00e7arken ,T\u00fcrk Sahil G\u00fcvenli\u011fi bizi g\u00f6rd\u00fc. Kendi tekneleri adeta denizin \u00fcst\u00fcnde u\u00e7an bir ku\u015f misali, o kadar h\u0131zl\u0131 ki. \u00dcst\u00fcm\u00fcze do\u011fru gelmeye ba\u015flad\u0131lar. \u00dcst\u00fcm\u00fcze do\u011fru gelirken bizim tekneyi kullanan amca ka\u00e7maya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu. Ve bizi \u00e7\u0131karmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan adamlar\u0131n s\u00f6yledi\u011fi \u015f\u00f6yle. Ne biliyor musunuz? Yani biz hayat\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 \u00e7aresizlikten kimlere emanet etmi\u015fiz. Telefondan tekneyi kullanan adama diyor ki \u201cSahil g\u00fcvenli\u011fin \u00fcst\u00fcne s\u00fcr, az sahil g\u00fcvenli\u011fin \u00fcst\u00fcne s\u00fcr\u00fcn\u201d diyor. \u201cTeknede bebek ve \u00e7ocuk oldu\u011funu g\u00f6r\u00fcnce \u00e7ekilecekler\u201d diyor. Yani d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnsenize, tan\u0131mad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z bilmedi\u011finiz insanlar\u0131n insaf\u0131na kalm\u0131\u015fs\u0131n\u0131z. Neyse ki biz orada m\u00fcdahale ettik. Ben de e\u015fim de tekneyi kullanan kaptana \u201cSak\u0131n !\u201d dedik \u201cS\u00fcrme !\u201d dedik onlar\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne. \u201cGeri d\u00f6n !\u201d Yani yapacak ba\u015fka bir \u015fey yok. Geri d\u00f6nd\u00fc, bizi dinledi. Geri d\u00f6nd\u00fc, ka\u00e7maya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Denizin, b\u00f6yle nas\u0131l diyeyim, sahilden bir ka\u00e7 kilometre uza\u011f\u0131nda devasa b\u00f6yle metalik bal\u0131k \u00e7iftlikleri var. Ama \u00e7ok \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck b\u00f6yle. Yani kocaman, binalardan daha b\u00fcy\u00fck, devasa bal\u0131k \u00e7iftlikleri var. Onlar\u0131n arkas\u0131nda ge\u00e7meye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken halat gibi bir \u015fey tak\u0131ld\u0131 bizim teknemize.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ve Allah’\u0131m, dua ediyoruz. Dua etmekten ba\u015fka yapacak hi\u00e7bir \u015feyimiz yok. Ellerimiz ayaklar\u0131m\u0131z hissedilmiyor. Kuca\u011f\u0131mda iki bu\u00e7uk ayl\u0131k bebek var, 4 ya\u015f\u0131nda k\u0131z\u0131m \u201c\u00dc\u015f\u00fcyorum\u201d diyor. Ben onu \u00f6nceden haz\u0131rlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Hani \u201cAnneci\u011fim, bir yola \u00e7\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131z, b\u00f6yle b\u00f6yle \u015feyler olabilir, senin bize yard\u0131mc\u0131 olman gerekiyor\u201d diye onunla konu\u015fmu\u015ftum onceden. Ve o 4 ya\u015f\u0131ndaki \u00e7ocuk o kadar olgun davrand\u0131 ki elleri ayaklar\u0131 donmas\u0131na ra\u011fmen tek bir kere \u015fikayet etmedi, tek bir kere konu\u015fmad\u0131. Bizim yan\u0131m\u0131zda bir \u00e7ift daha vard\u0131. Bir abi ile abla daha vard\u0131. Onlar hayret etmi\u015flerdi. Hani i\u015fte bu \u00e7ocu\u011fun bu kadar olgun bu kadar olumsuz \u015fartlarda bu kadar olgun davranmas\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7ok takdir etmi\u015flerdi.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra biz bu halata teknemiz tak\u0131l\u0131nca sahil g\u00fcvenlik geri d\u00f6nmeyi, bizim devrildi\u011fimizi, ya da bizim bal\u0131k\u00e7\u0131 falan olabilece\u011fimizi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcler. Bilmiyoruz, ama ne hikmetse Takdir-i ilahi i\u015fte, geri d\u00f6nd\u00fcler. \u00dcst\u00fcm\u00fcze gelmekten vaz ge\u00e7ip geri d\u00f6nd\u00fcler. Ondan sonra biz tekrar geri d\u00f6nd\u00fck, bildi\u011fimiz yerden tekrar oraya geri d\u00f6nd\u00fck. Ama tabii \u00e7ok daha uzak bir yere gitmi\u015fsin i\u015fte. Tekrar o adamlarla falan ba\u011flant\u0131 kurduk. Gelip bizi ald\u0131lar. Adamlar bize k\u0131z\u0131yorlar. Niye biz yakalanm\u0131\u015f\u0131z. Ya da hani bunu direk s\u00f6ylemiyorlar ama bizim geri d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fcz onlar\u0131 \u00e7ok rahats\u0131z etmi\u015f. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc tehlikeye koyuyor, \u015fey yap\u0131yor ondan sonra. Neyse ki ald\u0131lar, bir \u015fekilde tekrar eski yerimize b\u0131rakt\u0131lar. Bir de bunu bize, bizim kaptan\u0131m\u0131za \u201cSahil g\u00fcvenli\u011fin \u00fcst\u00fcne s\u00fcr\u201d diyen adam diyor ki \u201cSahil g\u00fcvenlik ba\u015fka m\u00fcltecilerin botuna bilerek \u015fi\u015f bat\u0131r\u0131yor\u201d diyor. \u201cOnlar\u0131 bilerek denizin ortas\u0131nda botlar\u0131n\u0131 alabora ediyor\u201d diyor bunu diyen adam. Yani bir saat, yar\u0131m saat \u00f6nce bizim kaptan\u0131m\u0131za da \u201cBotu, tekneyi sahil g\u00fcvenli\u011fin \u00fcst\u00fcne s\u00fcr\u201d diyor. Can\u0131m\u0131z b\u00f6yle insanlara emanetti yani. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcn art\u0131k. Kendi can\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n derdinde de\u011fildik zaten. \u00c7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n can\u0131n\u0131 biz b\u00f6yle insanlar\u0131n insaf\u0131na b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k.O kadar \u00e7aresiz bir duruma gelmi\u015ftik yani.<\/span><\/p>\n

Neyse geri d\u00f6nd\u00fck bu gece tabi. \u015eoktay\u0131z. Ben bebek emziriyorum. B\u00fct\u00fcn bu korkuyu, bu heyecan\u0131, bu \u015feyi ya\u015f\u0131yorum. Ve i\u015fte o gece uyku yok bize. Saatlerce o denizde, tam biz d\u00f6rt bu\u00e7uk saat Ege Denizi\u2019nin ortas\u0131nda kald\u0131k. Hani ben 2-3 dakikad\u0131r anlat\u0131yorum ama biz d\u00f6rt bu\u00e7uk saat gibi bir zaman \u015eubat\u0131n ortas\u0131nda poyraz’\u0131n esti\u011fi, ya\u011fmurun ya\u011fd\u0131\u011f\u0131 hava s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n \u00e7ok \u00e7ok d\u00fc\u015f\u00fck oldu\u011fu bir denizin ortas\u0131nda, gecenin zifiri karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda tam d\u00f6rt bu\u00e7uk saat b\u00f6yle bu korkuyu, bu \u015feyi en had safhada ya\u015fad\u0131k yani . Sonra geldik. Ben e\u015fime dedim ki \u201cBir haftaya kadar..\u201d ,normalde aylar \u00f6ncesinde her g\u00fcn \u00e7\u0131kmak i\u00e7in can atan biz,\u00a0 dedim \u2018bir haftaya kadar \u0130n\u015fallah \u00e7\u0131karmazlar. Birazc\u0131k toparlan\u0131p birazc\u0131k kendimize gelelim diye\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ertesi g\u00fcn hemen bizi tekrar \u00e7\u0131karmaya ba\u015flad\u0131lar apar topar. Ondan sonra, neyse ki bindirdiler bu sefer bizi. Ben bebe\u011fime kenetlendim. Tekrar bir tekneye, k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir tekneye bindirdiler bizi. Daha b\u00f6yle 5-10 metre gider gitmez teknemiz bozuldu. \u0130\u015fte oradaki insanlar, bizi \u00e7\u0131karmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan insanlar, yapt\u0131lar tekneyi tekrar. Teknik bir \u015feyler oldu. Onu yap\u0131p tekrar \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131lar, ondan sonra biz tekrar denizde, Ege Denizi’nde yol almaya ba\u015flad\u0131k. Hava yine ya\u011fmurlu, yine \u00e7ok so\u011fuk b\u00f6yle. Deniz \u00e7ok dalgal\u0131, yani abart\u0131s\u0131z s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorum, 2-3 metre b\u00f6yle dalga bizi f\u0131rlat\u0131yor \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ve Allah’\u0131n b\u00fcy\u00fck bir l\u00fctfu, bebe\u011fim uyuyordu dalgalar\u0131n sesi ile, i\u015fte teknenin motor sesiyle. O d\u00f6nemde bebekleri rahatlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in uyudu hep. Ondan sonra ben \u015foktay\u0131m. Bebe\u011fim kuca\u011f\u0131mda kenetlenmi\u015f ve dua ediyoruz. Yani Allah’a s\u0131\u011f\u0131nm\u0131\u015f, tek sahibimiz olan, tek g\u00fcvendi\u011fimiz varl\u0131\u011fa s\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131p dua ediyoruz. \u201cBu \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n hat\u0131r\u0131na bizi \u00e7aresiz b\u0131rakma\u201d diye. \u00d6yle 2 saat falan s\u00fcrd\u00fc yol. Normalde 15 dakikal\u0131k yol iki saat s\u00fcrd\u00fc. \u00c7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr varaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131z noktaya vard\u0131k. Varmadan bir 15-20 dakika \u00f6nce, \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck bir g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fc duyduk. E\u015fim denize d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f, yan\u0131mdaki abi ablalar soyledi. Yani ben hi\u00e7bir \u015fey hissetmiyorum, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey fark etmiyorum. Sadece duydu\u011fum g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fc ile \u00fcrperdim. Uyand\u0131m gibi bir \u015fey. \u201cNe oldu?\u201d deyince, e\u015fin denize d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc dediler. D\u00f6rt ya\u015f\u0131ndaki k\u0131z\u0131m\u0131n g\u00f6zleri \u00f6n\u00fcnde, g\u00fcnd\u00fcz bile giremedi\u011fim denizde gecenin zifiri karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda ne yapabilirim diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Kuca\u011f\u0131mda bebek, yan\u0131mda k\u0131z\u0131m. Bak\u0131yorum bak\u0131yorum g\u00f6remiyorum onu. Neyse ki kendi y\u00fczmeyi biliyor da Allah’a \u015f\u00fck\u00fcrler olsun y\u00fczerek \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 ve indik orada art\u0131k denizdeki kabus bitti.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yolumuz bitti ve ge\u00e7tik \u00f6b\u00fcr tarafa. Son bir kere kendi \u00fclkemizin \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131na bakt\u0131k. Bir daha ne zaman g\u00f6r\u00fcr\u00fcz diye. Son bir kere ne hissetti\u011fimi anlamak i\u00e7in, her \u015feye ra\u011fmen, her \u015feye ra\u011fmen \u00fclkeme olan sevgim var m\u0131 diye, test etmek istedim . Seviyormu\u015fum. Bu arada bunu da belirtmek istiyorum. Benim dedem \u00c7anakkale’de sava\u015fan 3 g\u00fcnl\u00fck damat gen\u00e7. \u00c7anakkale Sava\u015f\u0131’na gidip 4 y\u0131l sava\u015f\u0131p geri gelen bir gazi’nin torunuyum ve ben bu bilin\u00e7le yeti\u015ftirildim. Hani bizi ter\u00f6rist ilan ettiler ya. Kimlere ter\u00f6rist dediler yani. Nas\u0131l ter\u00f6rist olabilece\u011fimizi, hani bu dipnot ile belirtmek istiyorum. Asla ve asla ter\u00f6rist olamayacak insanlar\u0131 ter\u00f6rist yapt\u0131lar, ilan ettiler ya.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00d6b\u00fcr tarafa, karaya, ad\u0131m atar atmaz bebe\u011fim uyand\u0131. Hemen \u00e7ak\u0131l ta\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne oturduk. Bir de ka\u00e7ak girdi\u011fimiz bir \u00fclkedeyiz art\u0131k. Her \u015feyi, dili, k\u00fclt\u00fcr\u00fc, her \u015feyi farkl\u0131 olan bir \u00fclkeyiz. Oyle bir an\u0131, bir zaman\u0131 ya\u015f\u0131yorduk. Oturdum \u00e7ak\u0131l ta\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne i\u015fte. Bebek a\u011flamas\u0131n, etraftaki insanlar\u0131n dikkatini \u00e7ekmesin. Gece ama halen, hani etrafta gelip ge\u00e7er insanlar vard\u0131. Dikkat \u00e7ekmeyelim diye bebe\u011fimi emzirmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u00dcst\u00fcm\u00fczde yine o tulumlar vard\u0131. Ben o tulumu \u00e7\u0131karmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. Yok, \u00e7\u0131karam\u0131yorum! Ayakkab\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z yok. Ayakkab\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z \u015feyde kald\u0131, bizi b\u0131rakan tekneye binmeden \u00f6nce arabada kalm\u0131\u015f. Orada unutmu\u015f adam. Aya\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda b\u00f6yle o b\u00fcy\u00fck plastik \u00e7izme. Nas\u0131l diyeyim, \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck b\u00f6yle itfaiyecilerin kulland\u0131\u011f\u0131. \u0130\u015fte bizim \u00fclkemizde itfaiyeciler falan kullan\u0131yor, bal\u0131k\u00e7\u0131lar kullan\u0131yor, \u00e7izmeleri biti\u015fik olanlar.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u0130ki tane s\u0131rt \u00e7antan\u0131z var bizim. Ben 36 e\u015fim de 36 ya\u015f\u0131nda. 36 Y\u0131ll\u0131k y\u0131ll\u0131k hayat\u0131m\u0131zdan iki tane s\u0131rt \u00e7antam\u0131z ve iki evlad\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 al\u0131p \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k biz \u00fclkemizden. \u00c7antan\u0131n k\u00f6\u015fesinde bir tane, belki ihtiya\u00e7 olur diye, bir t\u0131rnak makas\u0131 atm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. O t\u0131rnak makas\u0131 akl\u0131ma geldi. Hemen \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131m i\u015fte, \u015fey yapt\u0131m. \u00c7izmeyi kestim tulumun g\u00f6vdesinden ve g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcm\u00fc \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131p bebe\u011fimi orada emzirdim, sahilde oturup. \u00c7ak\u0131l ta\u015flar\u0131 falan vard\u0131, karanl\u0131kt\u0131 tam emin de\u011filim, ama \u00e7ak\u0131l ta\u015flar\u0131 idi muhtemelen.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra i\u015fte b\u00f6yle bir saat falan orada kald\u0131k. Benim k\u0131z\u0131m, ba\u015flad\u0131 i\u015fte, \u201canne ben \u00fc\u015f\u00fcyorum\u201d demeye cocuk. Ne kadar art\u0131k can\u0131na tak ettiyse. \u201cAnne \u00fc\u015f\u00fcyorum, uykum geldi\u201d vesaire.\u00a0 Hemen otel falan d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc e\u015fim, ben \u015foktay\u0131m tabii. Daha ben b\u00f6yle \u015feydeyim, ne oldum ne olaca\u011f\u0131z, daha b\u00fcy\u00fck bir sars\u0131nt\u0131n\u0131n i\u00e7indeyim. Neyse baya\u011f\u0131 b\u00f6yle, bir iki kilometre y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fck. Bizi uzaktan g\u00f6ren bir \u015fey var. O \u00fclkenin insan\u0131 bir adam bizi g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f, fark etmi\u015f geldi yan\u0131m\u0131za i\u015fte. \u201cSiz ka\u00e7ak m\u0131 geldiniz?\u201d vesaire gibi sorular sordu. \u201cBen size yard\u0131mc\u0131 olmak istiyorum\u201d dedi. Biz o kadar korkuyoruz ki kendi insan\u0131m\u0131zdan g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz onca k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckten, onca \u015feyden sonra adam iyi niyette yakla\u015fm\u0131\u015f bize. Otel falan g\u00f6stermeye, tarif etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Hatta bizimle otele kadar geldi oteli g\u00f6stermek i\u00e7in. Ondan sonra gittik, b\u00f6yle m\u00fcltecilerin falan oldugu, Suriyeli m\u00fcltecilerin, Irakl\u0131 Afganistanl\u0131 m\u00fcltecilerin oldu\u011fu bir otelde oda falan ayarlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u0130\u015fte, iki \u00fc\u00e7 g\u00fcn orada kald\u0131k.\u00a0 Ondan sonra ben \u015foktay\u0131m. Hi\u00e7 ne yemek yiyebiliyorum, ne do\u011fru d\u00fcr\u00fcst konu\u015fabiliyorum. \u00c7ocu\u011fu emzirmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum, k\u0131z\u0131mla ilgilenmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum; ama o detaylar\u0131 hi\u00e7 hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum ben. \u00dc\u00e7 g\u00fcn boyunca hi\u00e7 konu\u015fmam\u0131\u015f\u0131m. Hep b\u00f6yle kafam\u0131 falan sall\u0131yorum. E\u015fim falan konu\u015funca do\u011fru d\u00fcr\u00fcst cevap veremiyorum. O da benim durumumun fark\u0131nda.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra, i\u015fte 3 g\u00fcn falan, bizim art\u0131k o adadan \u00e7\u0131kmam\u0131z gerekiyor. \u00dclkenin ba\u015fkentine gidip, art\u0131k orada bir \u015fekilde, as\u0131l gitmemiz gereken \u00fclkeye gitmek i\u00e7in u\u011fra\u015faca\u011f\u0131z. Neyse kalkt\u0131k, e\u015fim bilet falan ald\u0131. Vapura binece\u011fiz, ondan sonra A.’ya gidece\u011fiz adadan. Gittik kendimizi toparlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. \u0130\u015fte dikkat \u00e7ekmeyelim diye, \u015fey yapmayal\u0131m diye. Ka\u00e7a\u011f\u0131z ya, o kadar korkuyoruz ki. Bir de 36 y\u0131ll\u0131k hayat\u0131m\u0131z boyunca biz hi\u00e7bir su\u00e7a, en ufak bir su\u00e7a kar\u0131\u015fmam\u0131\u015f, hep legal ya\u015fayan, ondan sonra hep hayat\u0131n\u0131 en d\u00fczg\u00fcn \u015fekli ile ya\u015famaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan insanlar oldu\u011fumuz i\u00e7in. Biz bir \u00fclkeye ka\u00e7ak gitti\u011fimiz i\u00e7in. Onun mahcubiyetini, onun korkusunu, onun heyecan\u0131n\u0131, onun huzursuzlu\u011funu s\u00fcrekli \u00fcst\u00fcm\u00fcze ta\u015f\u0131yordum.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra vapura falan bindik korka korka. Neyse daha farkedilmiyoruz vapurda falan. Ben koltukta oturuyorum; ama bebe\u011fimi emzirmek istiyorum, emziremiyorum. Kollar\u0131m, oturma pozisyonu falan \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc. Neyse ben kalkt\u0131m yer de\u011fi\u015ftirdim. Oradaki g\u00f6revliler geldiler i\u015fte bize bir oda vermek istediklerini, bebek k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in bebe\u011fe hediye etmek istediklerini falan s\u00f6ylediler. Sa\u011f olsunlar vapurun i\u00e7inde \u00f6zel bir oda varm\u0131\u015f, o oday\u0131 verdiler bize ondan sonra. Bizim i\u00e7in o kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck bir \u00f6zellik ki, o kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck bir tarifi imkans\u0131z bir iyilikti ki yani; onu anlatamam size. Otelin \u015fartlar\u0131 \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fcyd\u00fc, \u00e7ok sa\u011fl\u0131ks\u0131zd\u0131. Biz \u00fc\u00e7 g\u00fcn falan orada kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Ondan sonra, bende zaten uyku yoktu. Yemek falan, yeme olay\u0131m yoktu. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yoktu yani.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben T\u00fcrkiye’den uzakla\u015ft\u0131k\u00e7a daha bir toparlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. Korkum huzursuzlu\u011fum azal\u0131yor. Haliyle kendimi daha g\u00fcvende hissediyorum. Daha g\u00fcvende hissetti\u011fim i\u00e7in korkuyu falan art\u0131k yava\u015f yava\u015f atmaya ba\u015fl\u0131yorum. Bize vapurda verdikleri odada baya\u011f\u0131 \u015fey yapt\u0131k, rahat ettik b\u00f6yle. Ondan sonra i\u015fte \u00e7ocu\u011fuma du\u015f falan ald\u0131rd\u0131m. Odada dinlendik yani. 12 saatlik 13 saatlik bir yol bir saat gibi gelmi\u015fti bize. \u0130lk defa, aylar sonra, uzun bir zaman\u0131n g\u00fczel ge\u00e7mesinden dolay\u0131 k\u0131sac\u0131k geldi\u011fini ilk defa ya\u015fad\u0131k yani. Neyse kalkt\u0131k A.\u2019ya ge\u00e7tik ve orada tekrar yer falan ayarlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Orada otel falan de\u011fi\u015ftiriyoruz. Her \u015feyi, i\u015fte ne olacak ne bitecek ne yapaca\u011f\u0131z i\u015fte, oradaki arkada\u015flarla falan g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyoruz.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Onlar da kendi tecr\u00fcbelerinden payla\u015f\u0131yorlar. \u0130\u015fte iltica etmemiz gerekti\u011fini, ka\u00e7ak yakalanmamak gerekti\u011fini, ba\u015fka bir \u00fclkede su\u00e7 oldu\u011funu, vesaire gibi payla\u015f\u0131mlar oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in biz kalkt\u0131k sabah. \u0130lk sabah\u0131n be\u015fi gibi \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 uyand\u0131r\u0131p haz\u0131rlay\u0131p, ondan sonra \u015feye gittik, m\u00fclteci ba\u015fvurular\u0131n\u0131 alan bir yere gittik. Orada o kadar farkl\u0131 k\u00fclt\u00fcrden o kadar \u00e7ok insan var ki. Yani b\u00f6yle kuyruklar var. Ba\u015f\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcp sonu g\u00f6r\u00fcnmeyen \u00e7ok \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck uzun insan kuyruklar\u0131 var. O kuyruklardan birine biz de girdik. B\u00f6yle bir bakt\u0131m, \u00e7o\u011funluk Suriyeli\u2019ydi. Suriyeliler bizim de \u00fclkemize geldiler, ya\u015fad\u0131lar. Hatta birka\u00e7 ay \u00f6ncesinde \u015f\u00f6yle bir \u015feyim olmu\u015ftu. Yani bunu ifade etmek \u00f6zel bir \u015fey ama hani bu d\u00fcnyadan ne kadar uzak oldu\u011fumuzu bu d\u00fcnyan\u0131n ne kadar uza\u011f\u0131nda ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 o g\u00fcn orada anlad\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ben \u00f6\u011frendim yani, m\u00fcltecilik neymi\u015f. Hani biz hep teorik biliyorduk. Hep medyadan, hep gazetelerden, hep kaynaklardan okurduk, \u00f6yle biliyorduk. Hani tamam, \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fck, anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131k ama b\u00f6yle daha ba\u015f\u0131ndayken bile ya\u015fay\u0131p anlamak \u00e7ok farkl\u0131ym\u0131\u015f. Birka\u00e7 ay \u00f6ncesinde ben evime temizli\u011fe bir Suriyeli arkada\u015f\u0131 \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, temizlik yaps\u0131n diye. Kendi durumunu anlatm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bana. \u0130\u015fte kendi \u00fclkesinde hem\u015fireymi\u015f. Ondan sonra gelmi\u015f T\u00fcrkiye’de hayat\u0131n\u0131 falan kazanmak i\u00e7in, i\u015fte, g\u00fcndeli\u011fe falan gitti\u011fini. B\u00f6yle beni \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fini. Benim \u00e7ok i\u00e7im ac\u0131m\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ona ,onu anlamaya \u00e7ok gayret etmi\u015ftim, \u00e7ok \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, \u00e7ok empati kurmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Ama o kadar az anlam\u0131\u015f\u0131m ki, o g\u00fcn o iltica ba\u015fvurusu kuyru\u011funda bunu \u00e7ok daha iyi anlad\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra i\u015fte, bir bu\u00e7uk saat falan bekledik orada. S\u0131ra hi\u00e7bir \u015fekilde ilerlemiyor.\u00a0 O kadar kalabal\u0131k ki, insanlar kavga ediyor, ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yor \u00e7a\u011f\u0131r\u0131yor. Ondan sonra yine b\u00fcy\u00fck k\u0131z\u0131m a\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131. \u201cU\u015f\u00fcd\u00fcm, anne \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fcm, ac\u0131kt\u0131m\u201d deyip a\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131. B\u00fct\u00fcn bir hayat\u0131m\u0131z g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcnden ge\u00e7ti. Biz niye burday\u0131z? Ne yapt\u0131k? Biz neyin bedelini \u00f6d\u00fcyoruz? Yani \u00f6yle sorgu sual ge\u00e7ti akl\u0131mdan. Ben fark\u0131nda olmadan g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131m akm\u0131\u015f yana\u011f\u0131ma. Ermeni bir gen\u00e7 bayan vard\u0131. O beni g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f, o da etkilenip a\u011flam\u0131\u015f. Farkl\u0131 bir \u015fey oldu\u011fumuzu anlam\u0131\u015f. Hemen geldi yan\u0131m\u0131za.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Eli y\u00fcz\u00fc d\u00fczg\u00fcn b\u00f6yle, temiz b\u00f6yle, \u015fey bir bayand\u0131. Yan\u0131m\u0131za geldi, konu\u015ftu. \u0130\u015fte, \u201cnerelisiniz?\u201d falan konu\u015ftuk b\u00f6yle. Bize g\u00fcvendi herhalde Bize b\u00f6yle yak\u0131nla\u015fmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Normalde orada kimseyle konu\u015ftu\u011funu falan g\u00f6rmedim. Ondan sonra pe\u00e7ete falan uzatt\u0131 g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 silmem i\u00e7in. Hani bunlar insani payla\u015f\u0131mlar. Yani kendi \u00f6z insan\u0131m\u0131zdan g\u00f6remedi\u011fimiz, bekleyip g\u00f6remedi\u011fimiz \u015feyleri, dili, \u0131rk\u0131, k\u00fclt\u00fcr\u00fc, her \u015feyi farkl\u0131 olan insanlardan g\u00f6r\u00fcnce mutlulugu da ac\u0131y\u0131 bir arada ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f olduk orada. Yani o kadar ince bir s\u0131z\u0131 ki, yani o kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck bir mutluluk.. Ayn\u0131 \u00e7izgide dokunuyor, ayn\u0131 \u00e7izgide ge\u00e7iyor insan\u0131n i\u00e7inden..\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kalkt\u0131k i\u015fte e\u015fim a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 falan g\u00f6r\u00fcnce vazge\u00e7ti. \u00c7ocuklar \u00e7ok \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fcler. Biz de kalkt\u0131k apar topar \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k oradan. Bakt\u0131k hani iltica ba\u015fvurumuzu falan da yapam\u0131yoruz, gittik. Neyse i\u015fte, s\u00fcrekli yer de\u011fi\u015ftiriyoruz, s\u00fcrekli kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z yerleri de\u011fi\u015ftiriyoruz. Otel falan de\u011fi\u015ftiriyoruz. Ekonomik olarak da zaten var\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 yo\u011fumuzu bizi T\u00fcrkiye’den \u00e7\u0131karan insanlara vermi\u015ftik. Elimizde \u00e7ok c\u00fczi bir miktar kalm\u0131\u015f ve biz onunla ayakta durmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yoruz. \u0130ki hafta gibi bir s\u00fcre\u00e7te otellerde kald\u0131k. Sonra bir ev bulduk internet \u00fczerinden. Bir ev buldu e\u015fim, oray\u0131 bir ayl\u0131\u011f\u0131na kiralad\u0131. Oraya gittik.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ev ama; hani bunlar\u0131 ne ama\u00e7la s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorum. Bunlar\u0131 bir \u015fikayet, bunlar\u0131 bir yad\u0131rgama, bir kendime yak\u0131\u015ft\u0131ramamak gibi bir \u015feyle s\u00f6ylemiyorum, asla. Hani birka\u00e7 ay \u00f6nceki hayat\u0131m\u0131zla \u015fu anki hayat\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n aras\u0131ndaki u\u00e7urumlar\u0131n, bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck \u015feylerin bizi daha nerelere kadar g\u00f6t\u00fcrece\u011fini ifade etmek ad\u0131na ben bunlar\u0131 anlat\u0131yorum. Yani bunu s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorum, o ev b\u00f6yle yerin 3 metre mi 4 metre mi, baya\u011f\u0131 alt\u0131nda. S\u00f6yle k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck bir penceresi vard\u0131. Ben o pencereden insanlar\u0131, yolda ge\u00e7en insanlar\u0131n ayaklar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum. Yani bir ka\u00e7 hafta gibi o evde kald\u0131k; ve ben uyuyam\u0131yorum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc biz o \u00fclkede ka\u00e7ak geziyoruz. Biz al\u0131\u015fk\u0131n de\u011filiz yani. Biz insanlar\u0131n \u00fclkesinde ka\u00e7ak ya\u015fayabilecek… Ondan sonra kendimi o kadar k\u00f6t\u00fc hissediyorum ki.<\/span><\/p>\n

O \u00fclkeye ka\u00e7ak girmi\u015fim ama ben d\u00fcnyan\u0131n en b\u00fcy\u00fck k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc yapm\u0131\u015f\u0131m gibi. Gece uyuyam\u0131yorum i\u015fte. \u00c7ocuk uyan\u0131rsa da hani, a\u011flar etraftakileri rahats\u0131z eder, ya da ne bileyim, polis gelir. O korku ile falan ge\u00e7iyor. Ben ya\u015f\u0131yordum polis korkusunu benim \u00fclkemde. Ben i\u00e7imden onu daha atamam\u0131\u015f\u0131m. Tam olarak da ya\u015f\u0131yorum yani burada da. Ondan sonra b\u00f6yle iki haftam\u0131z ge\u00e7ti. \u201cNe yapaca\u011f\u0131z, ne edece\u011fiz?\u201d\u00a0 diye. En sonunda bir sabah kalkt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda, birka\u00e7 g\u00fcn i\u00e7inde, v\u00fccudumda b\u00f6yle yara gibi bir \u015feyler \u00e7\u0131kmaya ba\u015flad\u0131.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Art\u0131k v\u00fccut tepki g\u00f6sterdi ya\u015fanan onca \u015feye. Tepki g\u00f6stermeye ba\u015flad\u0131. E\u015fime s\u00f6ylemiyorum. E\u015fim zaten bir s\u00fcr\u00fc stres alt\u0131nda, bir s\u00fcr\u00fc s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 ile ba\u015f etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. Ondan sonra birka\u00e7 g\u00fcn i\u00e7inde kendi fark etti\u00a0 hemen. Bizim tek bilet hakk\u0131m\u0131z vard\u0131. Yani elimizdeki maddi olana\u011f\u0131m\u0131z her \u015feyimiz buna m\u00fcsaitti. Biz tek bir bilet alabiliyorduk ve bir kere deneme \u015fans\u0131m\u0131z vard\u0131 as\u0131l gitmek istedi\u011fimiz \u00fclkeye. Bir seferde ge\u00e7tik, ge\u00e7tik. Ge\u00e7emedik art\u0131k biz o \u00fclkede kalacakt\u0131k, yani o zaman oldu\u011fumuz \u00fclkede kalacakt\u0131k. Ve orada ya\u015famaya ba\u015flayacakt\u0131k. Bizim pasaportlar\u0131m\u0131z da orijinal pasaport de\u011filler.<\/span><\/p>\n

Normalde bu insanlar bize orijinal pasaport s\u00f6z\u00fc vermi\u015flerdi. Ama orijinal olmayan pasaportlar\u0131 verdiler bize. Biz de \u00e7aresizlikten, tabii ki ald\u0131k, kabul ettik. Neyse, 40-42 g\u00fcn gibi, evet 42 g\u00fcn gibi bir zaman dilimini ge\u00e7irdi\u011fimiz o \u00fclkede ya\u011fmur vesaire hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yoktu. Ayr\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z gece ya\u011fmur ba\u015flad\u0131 b\u00f6yle, ama o kadar g\u00fczel bir ya\u011fmur ya\u011f\u0131yor ki anlatamam size. Kalkt\u0131k, sabah\u0131n erken saatinde idi u\u00e7a\u011f\u0131m\u0131z. Havaalan\u0131na do\u011fru gittik. Ortal\u0131kta falan g\u00f6r\u00fcnmemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yoruz.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra en son i\u015fte bizim u\u00e7ak girisimizin oldugu s\u0131ra ilerliyor, biz en son girdik s\u0131raya. Ge\u00e7tik gittik, pasaport kontrol\u00fc vesaire yap\u0131ld\u0131. \u00c7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr fark edilmedik. O \u015fekilde bindik otob\u00fcse. E\u015fimin elini tuttum. Yine benim bebe\u011fim orada i\u015fte. T\u00fcrkiye’den \u00e7\u0131karken iki bu\u00e7uk ayl\u0131kt\u0131, o zaman 4 ayl\u0131k falan oldu. Hi\u00e7 \u015fey yapmayan ses \u00e7\u0131karmayan bebek otob\u00fcse bindi\u011fimiz an, bizim i\u00e7imizdeki sevinci mi hissetti art\u0131k, \u00f6n\u00fcm\u00fczdeki ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z o anki mutlulu\u011fu mu hissetti, bilmiyorum. Bebe\u011fim b\u00f6yle m\u0131r\u0131ldanma gibi ses \u00e7\u0131karmaya ba\u015flad\u0131.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Aman i\u015fte \u015feydik, hani o anda. Anlatam\u0131yorum her \u015feyi. B\u00fct\u00fcn k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckleri, b\u00fct\u00fcn ac\u0131lar\u0131, b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00e7aresizlikleri arkada b\u0131rakt\u0131k gibi bir bir \u015fey oldu yani. Hani onu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fck kendi i\u00e7imizde. Bindik u\u00e7a\u011fa geldik. \u0130\u015fte \u015fu an Avrupa’n\u0131n bir \u00fclkesindeyiz. \u0130sve\u00e7’teyiz bir bu\u00e7uk y\u0131ld\u0131r, burada i\u015fte. Kampta falan kald\u0131k aylarca. \u015eu an bizi k\u00f6y gibi yere vermi\u015fler, \u00f6nceden kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z yer de k\u00f6y gibi bir yerdi. Ondan sonra \u00fc\u00e7 ayd\u0131r ba\u015fka bir yere ta\u015f\u0131nd\u0131k. Buras\u0131 orman\u0131n i\u00e7inde b\u00f6yle \u0131ss\u0131z bir yer. \u0130nsan felan etraf\u0131m\u0131zda hi\u00e7 yok, biz var\u0131z, yak\u0131n\u0131m\u0131zda bir aile vard\u0131, onlar da ta\u015f\u0131nd\u0131lar gittiler. Burada bekliyoruz yani. Kendimize d\u00fczg\u00fcn bir hayat kurmak i\u00e7in yeniden hayata ba\u015flamak i\u00e7in ayaklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde durmak i\u00e7in burada bekliyoruz.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te en \u00e7ok \u00e7ocu\u011fuma \u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fcm, yani b\u00fcy\u00fck k\u0131z\u0131ma \u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fcm. \u00c7ok yaln\u0131z kald\u0131. Yani bir \u00e7ocu\u011fun asla ve asla yaln\u0131z kalmamas\u0131 gerekti\u011fi kadar kald\u0131 kendi d\u00fcnyas\u0131nda, hep b\u00f6yle. O da \u00e7ok \u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fc, a\u011flad\u0131. Yeri geldi isyan etti. \u201cBen bu \u00fclkeyi sevmiyorum, kendi \u00fclkemi istiyorum, arkada\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 istiyorum.Niye buraya geldik,niye burday\u0131z?\u201d diye isyan etti\u011fi zamanlar da oldu. Art\u0131k \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc o da bir yere kadar dayanabildi demek ki.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ama \u015funa inan\u0131yoruz.Yani biz hep Allah’\u0131n kudretine, adaletine inanan insanlar\u0131z. Bizim yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z hi\u00e7bir k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn bedeli de\u011fil bu. Bir f\u0131rt\u0131na koptu ve o f\u0131rt\u0131nadan biz pay\u0131m\u0131za d\u00fc\u015feni ya\u015fad\u0131k, ya\u015f\u0131yoruz yani.\u00a0 En \u00e7ok bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te can\u0131 giden, yolda \u00f6len insanlar, \u00f6len \u00e7ocuklar, \u00f6len anneler… Bug\u00fcn bile ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z haber o kadar i\u015fimiz ac\u0131tt\u0131 ki. Onlar\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcnce herkesin hikayesi kendinedir, kendinedir herkesin hikayesi.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Hani ate\u015f d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fc yeri yak\u0131yor ger\u00e7ekten. Herkesin ac\u0131s\u0131 kendisine a\u011f\u0131r geliyor. Biz de a\u011f\u0131r \u015feyler ya\u015fad\u0131k. \u00c7o\u011fu \u015feyi ben \u015fu an ifade edemiyorum. \u00c7o\u011fu \u015feyi ben anlatam\u0131yorum, \u00e7ok \u015fey bo\u011faz\u0131mdan geriye do\u011fru gitti. Yani anlatamad\u0131m. O \u015feyim yok, o g\u00fcc\u00fcm yok. Yani o g\u00fcc\u00fc bulam\u0131yorum kendimde. Biz \u00e7o\u011fu insana g\u00f6re \u015fansl\u0131y\u0131z bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te. \u00c7ok \u015fey \u00f6\u011frendik. Yani insanlar\u0131n vefas\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131ni \u00f6\u011frendik. \u0130nsanlar\u0131n, lafa gelince insan olduklar\u0131n\u0131, inan\u00e7l\u0131 olduklar\u0131n\u0131, insan haklar\u0131na \u015funa buna \u00e7ok sayg\u0131l\u0131 olduklar\u0131n\u0131. Ama ger\u00e7ekte \u00f6yle olmad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fck, ya\u015fad\u0131k, \u00f6\u011frendik.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Bu f\u0131rt\u0131nada ailemle beraber bu yola \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. \u00c7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr, sonsuz \u015f\u00fck\u00fcrler olsun ki, beraber devam ediyorum. En b\u00fcy\u00fck mutlulu\u011fum bu benim. \u015e\u00f6yle bir \u015fey daha belirtmek istiyorum. Ben bu s\u00fcre\u00e7ten hemen \u00f6nce annemi kaybettim. Annemle de beraber, birlikte b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm, arkada\u015f\u0131m dostum olan ye\u011fenimi,\u00a0 27 ya\u015f\u0131ndaki ye\u011fenimi de kaybettim bir ayda. Yan yana mezarlar\u0131. Babam da hayatta de\u011fil. Babam\u0131 da 15 y\u0131l \u00f6nce kaybetmi\u015ftim ben. Ve ilk defa, yani ilk defa ben \u201cannem iyi ki \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015f\u201d dedim. \u201cBu g\u00fcnlerimi g\u00f6rmedi\u201d dedim. Yani bu g\u00fcnlerimi g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f olsayd\u0131, benim y\u00fcz\u00fcmden ona bir \u015fey olsayd\u0131 \u00fcz\u00fcnt\u00fcden, ac\u0131dan.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>O zaman i\u015fte ben biterdim. Yani hayat, her \u015fey benim i\u00e7in bitmi\u015f olurdu o zaman. Ve hani bilmiyorum, i\u00e7imi ac\u0131tan \u00e7ok \u015fey var \u015fu, an dile getiremiyorum yani. \u00c7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr ki \u015f\u00f6yle, benim yak\u0131nlar\u0131m, benim ailem t\u00fcm\u00fcyle, hani d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcnce yap\u0131s\u0131 olarak, k\u00fclt\u00fcr olarak, bizim inand\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z yoldan farkl\u0131 insanlard\u0131. Ama bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te hep yan\u0131m\u0131zda oldular. Hepsi desteklediler, her \u015feyleriyle bizi desteklediler. Yani karde\u015flerim, annem, babam hayatta de\u011fil ama, yani onlardan g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm destek yetti bana. Arkada\u015flar\u0131mdan da bunlar\u0131 duyuyorum, yani ailesi ile karde\u015fiyle annesiyle, babas\u0131yla s\u0131nanan insanlar da var. Bu konuda \u00e7ok \u015fansl\u0131y\u0131m. Yani bu konuda ger\u00e7ekten mutluyum, \u015fansl\u0131y\u0131m. Ben ailemden destek g\u00f6rd\u00fcm hep. Yani \u015fu an bunlar\u0131 anlatabildim, \u015fu an bu kadar. Hani daha ba\u015fka anlatacak bir \u015fey gelmiyor akl\u0131ma \u015fimdilik.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

(3)<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Yani, hani hep diyorlard\u0131 ya, hep b\u00f6yle filmlerde, kitaplarda biz okuyorduk. B\u00f6yle insanlar, y\u00fcre\u011findeki ac\u0131 a\u011f\u0131r bast\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in bedenindeki ac\u0131y\u0131 hissetmiyorlarm\u0131\u015f. Yani herhalde benim de \u00f6yle bir \u015feydi. Yani ac\u0131yordu ama, \u015fey yap\u0131yordum, o ac\u0131y\u0131 bast\u0131rabiliyordum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc benim i\u00e7imde b\u00fcy\u00fck bir korku vard\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben ve e\u015fim hapse girersek ortada kalacak bir bebe\u011fim, bir k\u0131z\u0131m vard\u0131 yani. Hani bu korku o kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck bir korku ki, o korkuyu hi\u00e7bir beden ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n ge\u00e7ebilece\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnemiyorum, yani ger\u00e7ekten. Benim sa\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131m s\u00f6z konusuydu, ki beni ameliyat eden doktorum dedi. \u201cKesinlikle ben senin \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u0131 onaylam\u0131yorum. Riskli bir durum, tehlikeli bir durum.\u201d Ama ben \u00e7\u0131kmak zorundayd\u0131m. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc hastane emniyete bildiriyor hastalarin kimlik bilgilerini belli bir saatten sonra. Ve ben o saatten \u00f6nce hastaneyi terk etmek zorundayd\u0131m. Yoksa ben ve e\u015fim hapse girecektik ve benim \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m ortada kalacakt\u0131. Ben o haberleri de \u00e7ok duydu\u011fum i\u00e7in, hani anne babay\u0131 hasta al\u0131yorlar ve \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 \u00c7ocuk Esirgeme Kurumu\u2019na falan veriyorlar. Yak\u0131nlar\u0131na bile vermiyorlar. Ben o haberleri de \u00f6\u011frendi\u011fim i\u00e7in o korkuyu ta\u015f\u0131yordum. Yani o y\u00fczden bedenimdeki ac\u0131 beni \u015fey yapm\u0131yordu, beni durduram\u0131yordu, beni s\u0131n\u0131rland\u0131rm\u0131yordu yani. Ya da gerekti\u011fi kadar hissetmiyordum.<\/span><\/p>\n

(4)<\/b><\/p>\n

Bebek alt\u0131n\u0131 kirletmi\u015f, de\u011fi\u015ftirecek \u015fey yapacak kimse de yok hani o an hastanede. Gece miydi bilmiyorum, yani yan\u0131m\u0131zda kimse yoktu. Ben kalkt\u0131m tutuna tutuna yata\u011fa falan i\u015fte, bir \u015fekilde bebe\u011fimin yan\u0131na gidip alt\u0131n\u0131 falan de\u011fi\u015ftirdim. Yani o an bedenimdeki ac\u0131y\u0131 tabii ki de hissettim ya\u015fad\u0131m.<\/span><\/p>\n

(5)<\/b><\/p>\n

Yani yine b\u00fcy\u00fck bir korkuyordu. Ben 23 ya\u015f\u0131nda falan denizle tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, ayaklar\u0131m\u0131 koyabildim. Yani b\u00f6yle sahilde kumsalda ayaklar\u0131m\u0131 sadece koyabilmi\u015ftim. Bir de yani o o korkuyu anlatamam size, biliyor musunuz? G\u00f6zlerimi kapat\u0131yorum, sanki \u00e7ocu\u011fum giderse ben g\u00f6remeyece\u011fim. Hani g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc kapat\u0131rsam, ona bir \u015fey olursa ben\u00a0 engel olamayaca\u011f\u0131m korkusu ile g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc a\u00e7\u0131yorum. O dalgalar b\u00f6yle birer kabus, birer karanl\u0131k bir canavar gibi,\u00a0 b\u00f6yle sanki \u00fcst\u00fcme gelecekmi\u015f gibi, yani anlatamam, anlatam\u0131yorum. Hani o korku ger\u00e7ekten \u00e7ok \u00e7ok \u015fiddetli bir korku yani. \u00c7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr, ama ge\u00e7tik. Teknede b\u00f6yle \u00e7ukurumsu bir yer vard\u0131. E\u015fim beni bildi\u011fi i\u00e7in oraya oturttu. Ben oraya \u00e7\u00f6meldim, oraya oturdum. Ondan sonra hani ben \u00e7ok b\u00f6yle, \u00f6n\u00fcme bakmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordum. Daha b\u00f6yle denizde oldu\u011fumu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmemeye, i\u015fte \u00f6n\u00fcme bakmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordum. Yani o \u015fekilde \u015fey yapmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. O \u015fekilde, hani o an sanki k\u0131yamet gibi, b\u00f6yle k\u0131yamet kopuyormu\u015f da ben ve \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m i\u00e7indeyiz, yani \u00f6yle o korku.<\/span><\/p>\n

(6)<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00c7ocu\u011fum aya\u011fa kalkt\u0131. \u201cBaba!\u201d diye ba\u011f\u0131rd\u0131. \u201cAnne, babam d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc!\u201d dedi. Yani korktu, g\u00f6zleri kocaman a\u00e7\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u0130ki elini avu\u00e7lam\u0131\u015f, birbirine s\u0131ms\u0131k\u0131, b\u00f6yle bir \u015feyler yapmak istiyor, yapam\u0131yor. Bak\u0131yor, g\u00fcc\u00fc yetmiyor sanki. Hani o an onu farkettim onda. \u201cAnne, babam!\u201d dedi. Neyse ki \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr, birka\u00e7 dakika i\u00e7inde babas\u0131 y\u00fczebildi. Yani orada ve onu g\u00f6rd\u00fck \u201cAnneci\u011fim i\u015fte tamam. Bak baban geliyor, baban y\u00fczme biliyor\u201d falan \u00f6yle dedik. Di\u011fer arkada\u015flar da ayaklanm\u0131\u015f, ayakland\u0131lar onlar da. Y\u00fczme bilmiyorlar, ayakland\u0131lar. \u0130\u015fte e\u015fimin ismini s\u00f6yleyerek, \u015f\u00f6yle b\u00f6yle, bakmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorlar. Onlar da ilk etapta g\u00f6remediler onu. Hava karanl\u0131kt\u0131 \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc. Ve tekne h\u0131zl\u0131 gelirken o baya\u011f\u0131 arkam\u0131zda, teknenin gerisinde kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Ondan sonra, cok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr, hani o kendi \u00e7abas\u0131yla, Allah yard\u0131m etti ve kurtuldu yani.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

(7)<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

E\u015fimin hakk\u0131nda tutuklama karar\u0131 vard\u0131. E\u015fim orada, bizim oldu\u011fumuz ilde dernek y\u00f6neticisiydi. Sendika y\u00f6neticisiydi, ba\u015fka aktiviteleri vard\u0131, onlarda aktifti. E\u015fimin direk tutuklama karar\u0131 vard\u0131, o y\u00fczden bana da daha sonra soru\u015fturma falan a\u00e7m\u0131\u015flar. Ondan sonra o \u015fekilde yani. Zaten hemen 15 Temmuzun 2. mi 3. g\u00fcn\u00fc falan polis bizim evimize gitmi\u015f. Biz bunlar\u0131 kap\u0131c\u0131m\u0131zdan falan \u00f6\u011frendik, daha sonra o \u015fekilde. Yani biz bir daha evimize giremedik, hani e\u015fyalar\u0131m\u0131z falan…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Akrabalar\u0131m\u0131z falan bir iki kere b\u00f6yle gecenin \u00e7ok \u015fey bir saatinde… Hani insan hi\u00e7 evine h\u0131rs\u0131zl\u0131k… Hani o duyguyu bilmiyoruz ama b\u00f6yle onun gibi bir \u015fey ya\u015fad\u0131k. Evimize sanki, hani bir yabanc\u0131 eve giriyoruz, h\u0131rs\u0131zl\u0131k yap\u0131yoruz gibi, evimize girdik. E\u015fyalar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n baz\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 b\u00f6yle i\u015fte ay\u0131rd\u0131k, ettik falan. O s\u00fcre\u00e7te k\u0131z\u0131m\u0131 ba\u015fka bir yerde b\u0131rakt\u0131k. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc onun e\u015fyalar\u0131n\u0131 falan… \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc daha o 4 ya\u015f\u0131nda. Biz ona i\u015fte nas\u0131l anlatabiliriz ki? Neyi nas\u0131l anlatabiliriz ki? O diyor ki \u201cbenim oyuncaklar\u0131m, anne benim odam…\u201d\u00a0 halen. D\u00fcn bana diyor ki \u201canne ben sana \u00e7ok k\u0131zg\u0131n\u0131m\u201d diyor. \u201cNiye?\u201d diyorum. \u201cAnneci\u011fim, sen benim\u2026\u201d Onun babaannesinin ona hediye etti\u011fi bir oyunca\u011f\u0131 vard\u0131, k\u00f6pe\u011fi. \u201cSen benim k\u00f6pi\u015fimi\u201d bilmem nerde \u2018b\u0131rakt\u0131n\u201d diyor. \u201cBen o k\u00f6pi\u015fimi\u00a0 \u00e7ok seviyordum\u201d diyor. \u201dSiz benim oyuncaklar\u0131m\u0131\u2026\u201d O \u015fey zannediyor, biz tekrar d\u00f6nece\u011fiz.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Hani anlat\u0131yoruz, \u201cbir daha gitmiyoruz\u201d falan, ama o bizim evi terk edi\u015fimizi , i\u015fte o e\u015fyalar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n evden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131nda vesairesini g\u00f6rmedi\u011fi, \u015fahit olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in \u00e7ocuk bazen anlam\u0131yor. Unutuyor, ya da o daha bizim orada bir evimizin oldu\u011funu, i\u015fte odas\u0131n\u0131n oldu\u011funu, e\u015fya oyuncaklar\u0131n\u0131n, e\u015fyalar\u0131n oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyor Biz gidersek \u201cben gidip\u201d i\u015fte \u201c\u015fu oyunca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 alaca\u011f\u0131m, \u015funu alaca\u011f\u0131m\u201d falan diye bazen s\u00f6yl\u00fcyor. \u015eu an alt\u0131 bu\u00e7uk ya\u015f\u0131nda, yani 7 ya\u015f\u0131n\u0131 bitirmesine az kald\u0131. \u00c7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr, ger\u00e7ekten bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te \u00e7ok olgun bir…Belki \u00e7o\u011fu zaman biz yeti\u015fkinlerin bile g\u00f6steremeyece\u011fi cesareti g\u00f6sterdi, olgunlu\u011fu g\u00f6sterdi.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u015e\u00f6yle bir \u015fey daha olmu\u015ftu. Biz ona k\u0131\u015fl\u0131k bir ayakkab\u0131 alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k, T\u00fcrkiye’den \u00e7\u0131kmadan \u00f6nce. Ayakkab\u0131s\u0131na bas\u0131nca topuklar\u0131nda \u0131\u015f\u0131k, b\u00f6yle renkli \u0131\u015f\u0131klar \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor. Ondan sonra bizim birinci \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131z. Bizim denize birinci ilk gitti\u011fimiz g\u00fcn var ya hani, Sahil G\u00fcvenlik bizi fark etti\u011fi g\u00fcn. Sonra biz geri geldik. Orada abla, yan\u0131m\u0131zdaki abla, dedi ki k\u0131z\u0131ma \u201ckuzu\u201d dedi. \u201cAyakkab\u0131n\u0131n \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131 fark edilmesin,basma. Polis amcalar, askerler bizi g\u00f6rmesin diye basma\u201d dedi. Bu \u00e7ocuk ka\u00e7 kilometre , biz tabii unutmu\u015fuz\u00a0 o tela\u015fla. o \u015feyle, ka\u00e7 kilometre yol, parmaklar\u0131n\u0131n ucunda y\u00fcr\u00fcm\u00fc\u015f. Topu\u011funa basm\u0131yor \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131 fark edilmesin,\u00a0 yanmas\u0131n diye. Ta ki biz evin kap\u0131s\u0131na gittik. Orada d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015f ablaya diyor ki \u201cben ayakkab\u0131ma, topu\u011fuma basabilir miyim?\u201d diyor yani. Hani bunlar, bilmiyorum, hani ba\u015fka insanlar i\u00e7in ne ifade bilir ama, yani bir \u00e7ocuk, yani bir anne i\u00e7in \u00e7ok \u015fey ifade ediyor.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

(8)<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

\u015eu anki korkum, yani \u015fu an korkum \u015f\u00f6yle, \u015fu a\u00e7\u0131dan…Yani ben kendi \u00fclkemin insan\u0131n\u0131 ger\u00e7ekten tan\u0131yamam\u0131\u015f\u0131m, g\u00f6rmemi\u015fim. yani bilmemi\u015fim. \u015eu s\u00fcre\u00e7te, \u015fu yollarda \u00f6len \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n, bebeklerin, annelerin arkas\u0131ndan yap\u0131lan insanl\u0131k d\u0131\u015f\u0131 yorumlar\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcp, \u201ciyi ki ben o \u00fclkeden \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u201d diyorum. \u201c \u0130yi ki ben o insanlarla ya\u015fam\u0131yorum, ayn\u0131 s\u0131n\u0131rlar i\u00e7erisinde. \u0130yi ki benim \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m o topraklarda yeti\u015fmeyecek, o k\u00fclt\u00fcrde yeti\u015fmeyecek\u201d diye mutluyum \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m i\u00e7in. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ger\u00e7ekten insani de\u011ferlerin daha yo\u011fun oldu\u011fu daha \u00f6nemli oldu\u011fu bir k\u00fclt\u00fcrde \u015fu an ya\u015f\u0131yorum.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u015eu k\u0131rg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131m var. Ben de, hani ben karde\u015flerimden g\u00f6rmedim vefas\u0131zl\u0131k, \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr. Ama \u00e7ok yak\u0131n akraba, b\u00f6yle dost dedi\u011fim, can\u0131ml\u0131 cicimli oldu\u011fum \u00e7ok arkada\u015f\u0131m, akrabamla da tabii ki s\u0131nand\u0131m. Y\u0131llarca, aylarca, yani iki y\u0131ld\u0131r ben oralarda yokum. Beni arama…Benim telefon numaram\u0131 silen insanlar var yani kendi korkusundan. Benim masum oldu\u011fumu, benim bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te mazlum insanlardan biri oldu\u011fumu, ma\u011fdur oldu\u011fumu bile bile kendi rahatl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 kaybetme korkusunu ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in, kendi rahatl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan \u00f6d\u00fcn vermemek i\u00e7in, benim telefonumu silen, benimle g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmesini, merhabas\u0131n\u0131 kesen insanlar var yani. Ve ben o insanlarla olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in mutluyum. O insanlara k\u0131rg\u0131n\u0131m. O insanlara \u00e7ok k\u0131rg\u0131n\u0131m hani, ama onlarla ya\u015famad\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in beni daha fazla\u00a0 kand\u0131rmad\u0131klar\u0131 i\u00e7in, kand\u0131ramad\u0131klar\u0131 i\u00e7in mutluyum. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnsene b\u00f6yle bir \u00f6m\u00fcr devam edecekti. Ben onlar\u0131 ger\u00e7ek bir dost olarak d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnecektim, ba\u011fr\u0131ma basacakt\u0131m, var\u0131mla yo\u011fumla ben onlar\u0131n hep yan\u0131nda olacakt\u0131m. Ama onlar ger\u00e7ekte \u00f6yle insanlar de\u011filmi\u015f. Oyle bunu hak eden insanlar de\u011filmi\u015f, yani. Bunu \u00f6\u011frendi\u011fim i\u00e7in mutluyum yani.<\/span><\/p>\n

(9)<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Kendi \u00fclkem, kendi bayra\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in \u00fczg\u00fcn\u00fcm. Yani ger\u00e7ekten \u00fczg\u00fcn\u00fcm bu \u00fclkemin insan\u0131n\u0131n bu halde olmas\u0131na \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcyorum. Olmamalar\u0131 gerekti\u011fi kadar insani duygulardan yoksun olduklar\u0131 i\u00e7in \u00fczg\u00fcn\u00fcm yani, bir \u015fey diyemiyorum daha fazla.<\/span><\/p>\n

(10)<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Ben soruyu kesik kesik anlad\u0131m, ama \u015f\u00f6yle anlad\u0131m: Bu s\u00fcre\u00e7ten sonra \u015fu anki halimi, \u00f6zel hayat\u0131mda benim karakterim ve ki\u015fili\u011fimi de\u011fi\u015fen farkl\u0131l\u0131klar\u0131 m\u0131 sordunuz? Yani de\u011fi\u015fim \u015fu \u015fekilde oldu. Tabii ki ben hani hayat\u0131n \u00f6nemini daha fazla anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, daha fazla anlad\u0131m. Yani hayat\u0131n, bizim daha \u00f6nceki ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z kadar basit olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131. Bir de burada, geldim, farkl\u0131 k\u00fclt\u00fcrden insanlarla tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Yani Suriyeli, i\u015fte Afgan, i\u015fte Irakl\u0131, i\u015fte \u0130ranl\u0131 i\u015fte. Veya ba\u015fka k\u00fclt\u00fcrden insanlarla tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Onlar\u0131n hikayelerini dinledim. Yani bize sunulan hayat\u0131n ger\u00e7ekten, \u00e7ok ama \u00e7ok de\u011ferli oldu\u011funu, bunu en g\u00fczel \u015fekilde de\u011ferlendirmek gerekti\u011fini, daha iyi anlad\u0131m, daha iyi \u00f6\u011frendim. Olumlu olarak bu hayat\u0131mdaki olumlu bir de\u011fi\u015fim olarak…\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Olumsuz de\u011fi\u015fim de \u015f\u00f6yle: \u0130nsan\u0131z ya, ben bu s\u00fcreci hamilelik lohusal\u0131k ve sonras\u0131 ben hep ya\u015fad\u0131m. \u015eanss\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131m o oldu benim biraz. B\u00f6yle daha tahamm\u00fcls\u00fcz bir insan oldum sanki. B\u00f6yle, daha az sabredebiliyorum. Mesela \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n sesine daha az tahamm\u00fcl ediyorum. Hani k\u0131z\u0131ma, mesela hi\u00e7 k\u0131zmayaca\u011f\u0131m bir \u015feyde, birka\u00e7 kere k\u0131zmaya ba\u015flad\u0131m yani. Sonra sorguluyorum, sonra pi\u015fman oluyorum. \u201cNiye yapt\u0131m,niye ettim?\u201d diye sonra d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131n etkisi yeni yeni herhalde kendini g\u00f6stermeye ba\u015flad\u0131 yani. Bu \u015fekilde e\u015f olarak e\u015fime daha \u00e7ok kenetlendim bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te. Onun benden ba\u015fka kimsesinin olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, benim de ondan ba\u015fka ger\u00e7ek anlamda kimsemin olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 daha iyi \u00f6\u011frendim. Ve bundan sonraki hayat\u0131m\u0131zda bu bilin\u00e7te, bu hassasiyette olup, her \u015feyde buna g\u00f6re davranmam gerekti\u011fini \u00f6\u011frendim. Yani \u00e7ok daha g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc, \u00e7ok daha sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131, \u00e7ok daha b\u00f6yle kenetlenmi\u015f olarak olmam gerekti\u011fini \u00f6\u011frendim.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
Copyrighted to Undaunted Voices of Turkey<\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Deciding to flee Turkey right after giving birth to her baby wasn\u2019t the hardest thing in her story. Confronting her sea phobia in a small boat and watching her husband fell off into the sea while fleeing was not, either. Yet, this is not a story of a mother only, but also the story of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6241,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7],"tags":[21,9,14],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/361"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6241"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=361"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/361\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":363,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/361\/revisions\/363"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=361"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=361"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=361"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}