{"id":317,"date":"2020-04-04T23:28:18","date_gmt":"2020-04-05T03:28:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/?p=317"},"modified":"2020-04-05T19:34:05","modified_gmt":"2020-04-05T23:34:05","slug":"interview-11","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/2020\/04\/04\/interview-11\/","title":{"rendered":"Interview #11"},"content":{"rendered":"

After pursuing her academic career in the US, the only thing she wanted was to go back to her home country and carry her knowledge to young brains. She was happy to be an academic at one of the most prestigious colleges in Turkey and feeling fulfilled by serving her country in the way she knew the best: Science. Until that day… In this interview, she is not only telling her story of how she was left jobless and not even given a chance of working at another school, but also as a sociologist, she is evaluating how the society had changed after the coup attempt. With his husband’s nervous break down and her children’s heart breaking memories of Turkey, she is back in the US where she now calls “home”.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Back to list of interviews<\/a><\/p>\n

English Translation:<\/strong><\/p>\n

(1)<\/b><\/p>\n

I give consent this conversation to be recorded.<\/span><\/p>\n

First of all I would like to start by saying thank you for doing such a project. I find it valuable. The people who recently experienced all these hardships in Turkey thought that no one will hear them and their stories will get lost. It is great to see people asking me about what has happened there just less then a year after the events. First I want to thank you.<\/span><\/p>\n

I would like to talk about my mood today. It is not all about today. We came to the United States in July. My husband got accepted to a college. I have a Ph.D. in Sociology from a college in the United States. I have been doing my postdoctoral studies here. We came here but many people couldn\u2019t, that is why I feel guilty. Even to be able to come here, to laugh, to have fun, to hug your kids, to be happy with your kids makes you feel guilty. Today I went to the park to entertain my kids\u2026 it is again the feeling of guilt.. Because I know that most people can not live with this freedom, not only the people in prison, but also those out of jail, who live with an apprehension of what will happen to them.. I also know what those feelings are like. I lived through it for a year when I was there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, if you continually get exposed to persecution and oppression, you feel frayed. You have to be vigilant. It is called survival mode. What can people learn if they are in survival mode? For example, the kids who are in survival state can not learn. I wrote letters to my friends who are in jail. These people are brilliant. They were trying to learn English, but they said that they couldn’t retain any of the information. Of course, this is because of fear and oppression. We always remember the people over there. Did we do the right thing by coming here? Should we have stayed with them? We have this feeling of guilt as pressure on us since our first day arriving here.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There is a lot of anger against this evil. I feel this anger very intensely and do not know when I will overcome this because we did not expect this much from our own people. There is a monster making all these evil, and you know that. There is a leader that lets this happen, causes this to happen but he is just one person, maybe a couple more but on the other hand, there is the entire country, all the people.. My homeland, the nation, the people said yes to all of these. They found excuses (to justify) and worshiped the power. So they supported what the person in charge said, and agreed to all this evil that was done to their own relatives, neighbors, to the people they know, without questioning it.\u00a0 Of course, all of this created terrible anger in me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was anger against injustice. I used to have this already; I always thought I was sensitive to the situations where others were treated unjustly. However, this time it was different. You don\u2019t want to believe that this is happening. You keep thinking that people know that those people are innocent and that they are very good people, indeed. Yet, they believe that this is for the sake of the homeland and it is what needs to be done. I heard it myself, that’s why I am able to express it now. They interpret it as something to protect and save the homeland and in their eyes, if one needs to be a victim for that purpose, it is totally fine.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Overall, these are what I cannot help thinking. Also, I usually have the feeling of being stateless. You may ask what I mean with that. I have lived in the US for 10 years. I received my masters and Ph.D. degrees here. I really like America. Here, people are very nice, they make you feel dignified. They respect you as you are and they are very warm indeed. I like the environment quite a lot. However, for me, my home country was Turkey. I was always proud of being a Turkish Muslim woman. We organized cooking classes, book clubs and etc. And at every single chance, I proudly mentioned our Turkish cuisine or the cultural things that belonged to us.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, when you come to the US after burning bridges in your home country, you start questioning \u201cHow much do I belong to this country?\u201d. I like America a lot. I think it is not about belonging but about your cultural links to your country. It is like being in\u00a0 limbo, and not being part of this culture. This is basically how I feel nowadays and furthermore feel that this is not what homeland should be. Homeland is where you have peace and safety. It is not where you feel concerned and anxious that you can be arrested at 7 AM\u00a0 when you go to bed. America gives dignity to you. Homeland is where my property, my life, my kids\u2019 lives, my dignity are safe. Turkey was not such a place to me.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was in Turkey, I felt like I could never handle it if I was separated from my kids. No need for other punishments, that was enough. This is what they did to people, they made people fear of being separated from their kids. People were always fearful. And these people were all educated, all philanthropic. They always spent time with kids even until late nights to teach what is good. I know this from my sister, who was a teacher. She had 3 kids. 6 days a week, even until 8 PM she worked closely with her students. These teachers were not like other teachers at public schools. They were devoted and unselfish. They were genuinely good people but Turkey, where we call homeland gave this fear to us. Even our basic needs were not fulfilled. When safety is gone, everything else loses its importance.. <Pauses..><\/span><\/p>\n

In 2014, We went back to Turkey from the U.S. because it would be difficult for us to find positions at the same university. We planned to go back to Turkey, find a position at the same university where english education was given. Also, we had ill family members and they missed the kids a lot, we just wanted to get together with our families since we already spent years apart from each other. With these motivations, we went back to Turkey and started working at a university that was primarily devoted to Social Sciences. It was such a good university, even though it was a short time, we worked under very good conditions. Almost 50% of the students were foreigners and the education was 100% in English which was not common in Turkey. The students were very good, and the professors were very good. We had professors with diverse backgrounds and therefore diverse ways of thinking. This was very important to us. I had secular colleagues, in addition to the quite religious ones. We had such a beautiful environment. Some of my high school friends and others who were pro-AKP (Current governing party in Turkey. (In Turkish) Adalet ve Kalkinma Partisi, (In English) Justice and Development Party) were asking me why I still continued to work at that university because it was a private university and the founder of it had also media centers and newspapers and he contradicted the president because of the opponent pieces in those media outlets. No wonder why these media outlets were not appreciated by the AKP supporters.<\/span><\/p>\n

I always told them that the university is giving high quality education. There was always pressure on the university but because it always passed all kinds of inspections, we never thought that the university could actually be shut down. This was too much and way beyond our thinking. Worst case scenario we thought, we would lose our jobs and look for positions at other universities in Turkey.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was a terrible night. My son is an anxious kid and he had a speech disorder at that time, too. He kept pointing to the sky and couldn\u2019t even sleep because of the sounds of the aircrafts flying so close to the ground. It felt like a war until the morning, those bombs felt like they were falling down on our houses. At each bomb, we thought we would die. We stayed in the hallway in our house until the morning. We prayed for it to end. It didn\u2019t matter how but we just wished for an end. We were all scared, I called everyone I knew who lived in Ankara, my friends, my relatives. However, later none of my relatives called me to check on me unfortunately. They knew we lost our jobs but didn\u2019t even wonder whether we were doing fine or if we needed anything. We always had very good relationships, they used to like us. I think it is one of the things that hurt me a lot. it hurts to see how people used to be very nice to you and all of a sudden would change, how they became evil or hard-hearted. To experience this in person really hurts.<\/span><\/p>\n

Aftermath of the coup, we continued to go to university. We were scared, of course, the students, the professors, were all scared. I had a leftist friend. One of her professors suggested her to wear pants, because pro-AKP people were around attacking with stones, setting fire on the schools. The leftist people were afraid of a religious attack. It was odd to witness that. Because you know that those people had suffered a lot from the oppression towards their freedom of faith and forcement to uncover headscarves (at schools and government workplaces). You defend them and stand on their side but then everything changes the other way around. I saw how the leftist or AKP-opponents were scared of an attack that would potentially come from the conservatives.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I went to the playground with my child. An Alevi woman sat next to me, she was very nervous. I am normally a talkative person, I can\u2019t hide my thoughts. I mentioned how I felt and then she started telling her story. At that (coup) night, her husband called and told her to pick up the kids and go home immediately without talking to anybody and said that in such cases Alevis had always been the first being attacked. When I heard about it, I noticed that we, as people who live in Turkey, lived without even knowing what others go through or what pressure they experience, we lived next to each other but never wondered about each other; what happened to them or why they are standing apart or what their parents or grandparents went through. We never asked but we should have done so.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After I worked for another week or so, the school was shut down. After the coup, my husband and I went to the school, just wanted to drive by. It was already a great environment for us, if we could, we would go to school 7 days a week. This was true for all employees. Everyone loved the school. On that day, I saw the international students. Since the school was closed, those students were kicked out from the dormitories without their belongings. I couldn\u2019t get out of the car because I was afraid of doing so. I wanted to help because they were my students but my husband and I just watched helplessly, couldn\u2019t do anything else. I saw the fear in their eyes, they couldn\u2019t even rationalize what was happening, they didn\u2019t have their parents with them. They were smart kids who read Marx (Karl Marx) from its original. They were graduates of very well known universities in their countries. I felt so bad that they had to experience this. I saw a colleague who was trying to gather those students and help them like a mother, it really touched me. I couldn\u2019t do anything but watch from a distance. My husband and I just drove away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

(2)<\/b><\/p>\n

Our kids were going to schools in Ankara. After we lost our jobs, we decided to live with our parents. Maybe it is relatively less important to mention but it was hard to handle for us because we have never been a burden to our families and both of us never asked for anything from anybody. We are thankful that they stood with us and supported us. My daughter was 8 years old at that time and she was capable of understanding things, whereas my son wasn\u2019t yet.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My daughter was very sensitive. She (my daughter) was trying to understand why we quit our jobs. I said we were looking for other jobs. She knew something was going on but still didn\u2019t ask a lot. My husband and I never wanted to have our kids hate their home countries because they wouldn\u2019t handle that evilness in their home country. We tried to isolate them from the true face of the events. We tried to keep them away from the news. We had our own relatives who were detained including her aunts and uncles. We tried to hide it by saying that they had gone to help others or to work on a project in which talented people like them were needed. I never thought about how my daughter would negatively be impacted by everything that was happening.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

However, when we came to the U.S., her teacher said \u201cShe never wants to talk about Turkey, whenever we ask something about it, she rejects it and says \u201cDon\u2019t ask me about Turkey. I speak Turkish at home but I want to forget it. Turkey is an evil country, good people are put in prisons.\u201d We never talked about such things at home. She has her own issues with Turkey. I tell her that there are good people as well as bad ones in Turkey and that Turkey is not a bad place. She witnessed those times, she witnessed how upset and depressed I was. Kids always realize things even though you do your best not to show them.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I had large shingles on my face and it gave me lots of pain. I didnt first understand what it was because I never had it before. When I went to the doctor\u2019s office, I expected to be given a simple healing cream, when he said it was shingles and that it could occur anywhere on my body. I got so concerned, I lost a lot of weight at that time. My daughter witnessed all these though we tried to do our best not to reveal\u2026 We stayed with our parents for a year like this, then, after a while a very surprising thing happened. I was reached out by a university. It was odd because none of my colleagues from my university were accepted or even called just because they once worked in certain institutes. Working in any organization allegedly-linked with Hizmet movement (religious movement also known as Gulen movement which was accused of organizing the attempted coup and declared a terrorist organization by the Turkish government) was like a red flag in Turkey.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought maybe it was a fair university president who only paid attention to academic credentials and skill-set. I passed all of the necessary exams and they finally invited me to an interview. I thought we would talk about my research or my academic plans. Instead, as soon as he looked at my resume, he said, \u201cHow will I explain to the council of higher education that you worked at that university once?\u201d. I was dumbstruck, I couldn\u2019t say anything. As I think about it now, I should have said that I was one of the first 100 students out of millions in the university entrance exam and that I had such and such publications, these were the things we should have been talking about.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Because of living with so much fear and pressure, you even start feeling appreciative that they are at least inviting you to talk especially when no one is reaching out to you and inviting you to interviews. We applied to several positions including ESL courses. Even they didn\u2019t get back to us. In one of the ESL courses, I met a guy saying \u201cUnder these conditions, no one hires you.\u201d and he continued, \u201cYou could work only if you agree to stay until 10PM for 6 days a week, with a very low wage and with no insurance coverage.\u201d It was the only way to find a job so being invited from a university was a huge thing for me.<\/span><\/p>\n

The rector asked me which high school I went to, where each of my siblings work, what my parents do for a living. It was more like an interrogation. I answered all of his questions. The only thing he was pleased about was the high school I went to. He said \u201cNice, Erdogan\u2019s daughters also went to this high school, now at least I can tell this to the council of higher education (YOK)\u201d. I felt useless, I felt all my graduate education, my research, my academic value were worthless and that he was trying to justify me against the council of higher education with my high school because Erdogan\u2019s daughters went there, too. I left there with an odd feeling. They didn\u2019t call me back because it always took a very long time to get a background check\u00a0 from the police department and National Intelligence Agency (MIT).<\/span><\/p>\n

I decided not to work there anyway, I wanted to go abroad. Especially after experiencing this, I understood that even the university which nicely treated me put me into an interrogation without even paying attention to my academic success. I realized that I had no academic future in Turkey. I cannot be an academic advisor, either. Since my research area is Social Studies, I need to question, criticise, analyze, synthesize things, mainly politics. So freedom is very important and I would never have this in Turkey. I had this only at the university I worked in, It was free and liberal.<\/span><\/p>\n

My husband couldn\u2019t find a job either. He was a graduate of one of the best universities in Turkey. He has his PhD and the only position he could find was being a mind games teacher to elementary school kids, and of course with no insurance. He received his wage in an envelope, he wasn\u2019t even registered in the school system and there were times that he wasn\u2019t paid. He was an academic like me but after a while your passion towards research gets diminished. We already had the feeling of insecurity. When you go to\u00a0 bed at night, you never know what will happen in the morning. One morning, while we were sleeping a police car stopped in front of our building, right in front of our windows. My mother-in-law said the police car waited there for 20 minutes and that she almost had a heart attack because she was afraid that the police would come to our apartment. Then we decided to leave because our families also started getting nervous and restless because of us. So we applied to positions in the U.S. My husband got accepted to a university. It took a long time for him to get a visa. Everyday we waited for good news. After we received it, we couldn’t go directly but we didn\u2019t feel safe in Turkey, either. So we flew to another country first.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was difficult to leave Turkey because that year, the police arrested my sister. Months before she was taken, her husband had been detained. Her husband was working in the private sector and one of his office mates informed the police against him with no evidence. He lost his job, their landlord kicked them out of their house. We lived through this together, and during those times, we were together with their kids. We were the biggest support for the kids. The kids had strong bonds with my husband. They were quite upset when they heard we were going to leave. They said \u201cOur dad is gone, now you will leave, too.\u201d They felt alone..\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I also remember the moment that the police took my sister. A young woman was taken by 4 policemen, they take your sister and you are just worried and horrified with what they could do to your little sister. You can\u2019t even say anything because there is a state of emergency (OHAL) in Turkey, that could be even worse for your sister, they could even treat her worse if we say something. It is not even legal, there must be a policewoman with them but again you can\u2019t do anything. Living all these was terrifying, it is not easy to express..<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, we went to the airport without knowing whether we could leave the airport safely. Many of our friends went to the airport and their passports were confiscated and the officer didn\u2019t even have to say anything about it, they don\u2019t have to give any reasons because of the state of emergency (OHAL). The officers just wrote invalid on the passports and our friends couldn\u2019t leave the country. My husband had difficulty even renewing his passport. Because of the university he worked at recently, most of the police departments rejected renewing it. There was no warrant against us, but they still didn\u2019t renew the passport saying \u201cYou worked at that university once. Even though there is currently no warrant about you, there may be one in the future, we can\u2019t take this risk\u201d.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My husband went to 3-4 police departments to renew his passport. Finally, a woman officer helped us renew it. Because it would be risky to directly fly to the U.S., we first went to Bosnia. We were nervous until that moment. We took very little belongings with us. We didn\u2019t tell our kids, we picked them up from the school and we didn\u2019t even wait for the report cards. We were anxious, we even told our families not to come to the airport, because it may be our last time seeing each other and we would all cry and it would look suspicious. Maybe the police would think we were leaving with no plan to come back. That was why we didn\u2019t want our families to come. Only my husband\u2019s parents came in case we would have any problems in the airport and that they could take care of the kids. Fortunately, we were able to leave safely.<\/span><\/p>\n

We got on the plane to Bosnia. I was exhausted by all these events over time, I was also angry. I always kept praying but I was mad at people in Turkey, I was frustrated, I always talked about it but my husband never did. He was always faithful and calm. He told me to take it as if an earthquake happened to us. One can lose it all. He was able to manage things more easily than me. However, after he got on the plane and even on the road to the plane, he kept sobbing.<\/span><\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t even talk to me at that time, I only remember him saying \u201cWhat did we do to these people?\u201d Imagine, you spend your years in a foreign country, later you come back to your home country, you have never done anything wrong or evil to anyone then you are forced to run away from your country though you didn\u2019t want to leave at all. First night in Bosnia was a special night for us. Since 2016, for the first time we put our heads onto our pillows peacefully. We were grateful. Sleeping without worrying was something words are not enough to express.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We stayed in Bosnia for a month and we met many people who came from Turkey. Everyone had a different story. I am not sure if I could hear that many dramatic stories all together ever again in my life. There was one whose child died and she couldn\u2019t go to her child’s funeral.<\/span><\/p>\n

It feels like you are on a different planet or you died and you are in Hell and like Turkey was one of the levels in Hell. You know Bosnia and what people went through (in Turkey), but it feels like Hell still remains. (In Bosnia Turkish) People were still fearful of everything and because many people in Turkey were still in trouble you don\u2019t feel happy or relieved.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We had fear against Turkish people. When we first landed in Bosnia, one Turk approached me and asked something and that made us nervous because we lost our trust in our own people. Many people were left alone by their neighbors, relatives, and friends and gave their names.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We didn\u2019t speak with anyone in Bosnia. It was the same for other Turks who are in the same situation, as well. No one trusted each other, it was odd.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We had to come to the U.S somehow. The easiest way was over Turkey but we didn\u2019t want this option. Turkey was where we wanted to be far from, how can we go back. Then we heard that we could travel over Serbia. Belgrade was not close though, it was a 6-hour drive. It was very strange to me. We read and heard what Serbians had done to Bosnians for years, we were devastated with that and now we are somehow interacting with Serbians. We called a Serbian driver, he drove 6 hours to Bosnia and another 6 hours back to Serbia.<\/span><\/p>\n

We had to have a visa, we were just trying our chances to see whether we could do it. We didn\u2019t mention our situation to that guy because we were too scared. He said \u201cDon\u2019t be scared, I know a lot of people like you, they do evil things to you in Turkey, especially to the educated ones.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He mentioned what Erdogan did which kind of relieved us. When we were about to enter Serbia, he talked Serbian to someone at the border and they gave us the visa by means of his help. We could go to the airport then and came to New York. It was an unexpected experience for us.<\/span><\/p>\n

We thought we were finally free, The United States was where we wanted to go because even Bosnia wasn\u2019t safe enough for us. Then, when we were at the airport, a taxi driver approached us, he wanted to carry our suitcases, the hotel was very close though.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We said OK and got in the car, it was an Uber car. Later, my husband saw that the driver pushed the multiplier to show as if there were more people and more luggage in the car. It would normally cost 30-35 dollars but it cost us 90 dollars. Then my husband told him to pull over.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He said, \u201cYou are a Muslim, right?\u201d. He was indeed a Palestinian Muslim guy. Somehow, after what we passed through, we were biased against Muslims. My husband said, \u201c What kind of a person are you, do you know where I am coming from? I am coming over Serbia just to be able to get away from people like you! I came from Serbia.\u201d He repeated 3 to 5 times. I thought my husband was having a nervous breakdown. He cried \u201cWhy are you like this? Don\u2019t you have a faith in God, is this what you understand from being a Muslim?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, I realized something. After a while, one start questioning how muslims represent real Islam. We used to think that a Muslim is a trustworthy person. Regardless of whether one likes him\/her, one can always trust a muslim and can even leave his\/her child or belongings confidently. If one has a God-fearing, he\/she should have a conscience. I lost this faith in Muslims because the ones who attacked my safety and my belongings were so-called muslim people. This made me question some values in Muslim people. I lost my trust in them.<\/span><\/p>\n

We are here, but there are many others in Turkey. Our purpose was to help them as much as we could. People are in a terrible economic situation. I wanted these stories not to be lost. People go through hard times that may affect a couple of generations. People were tested with their children, their parents, their lives, everything they own. They had hard times with their friends, there could even be the ones whom you don\u2019t want to see again. That’s why these stories should not be lost and forgotten. These were not exceptional stories, everything was sort of systematic. A lot of people were labeled as terrorists in one day, they were treated, humiliated badly and all these evil things were seen just fine by many.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I always wanted to write about these but never thought that I would talk about them. What you are doing is extremely valuable and I really appreciate that. There is another thing I want to mention. Even though I didn\u2019t talk about these, many of my professors and friends in the U.S., especially Jews, offered helping me in terms of money and\/or accommodation. These were all great. This was how I figured out real friends from others. On one side, you have friends who are worried about you and on the other side there are others who are accusing you of working at a certain university and thinking you deserve all of this just because you once worked there.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another important point was people in Turkey thought the police would come to their home at any time and that they should get prepared just in case. We were also concerned about this. There was nothing that could put us into accusation of anything. We had only books. My in-laws who are not devout Muslims but are quite respectful to the Quran, suggested burning a Quran translation book because of its author. They were so concerned. We wouldn\u2019t put it into trash, either. People would call the police and accuse their neighbors because of the books were put in the trash. I remember first wetting the book and then burning it. I saw a lot of books, many Qurans or prayer books, thrown away on the sidewalk because they were afraid of putting such books into their trash. It was horrific.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think I touched on a lot of things. Of course, I want to emphasize one thing. Here, I mentioned things from my own perspective. What I experienced was nothing compared to many others\u2019. I am not sad because I lost my job or anything else. I am with my husband and kids, this is such a blessing. We thank God for this everyday. On the other hand, many good people we knew were imprisoned for months or the people whom we don\u2019t know but heard from the news. When I say news, I certainly do not mean the ones in Turkey, it is impossible to learn anything from them.<\/span><\/p>\n

We learn from social media by taking a risk because it is also likely that the social media is investigated. We all deleted our social media accounts. We tried to get news from the international media, we learnt what was happening in Turkey from these news: those who committed suicide or died under torture. There was a teacher named Gokhan, I was devastated with this death (Gokhan Acikkollu: One of the first people who died while under police custody after the coup attempt).<\/span><\/p>\n

Then I understood that it already converted to persecution and there was no mercy. They have lost all human values and morals. I also noticed this when I talked to my relatives and friends who were supporters of the government at that time. I asked them : \u201cDon\u2019t you think this is too much, how can you justify this evilness? What could the people you personally know have done?\u201d. They acknowledged that they were good people, but they still kept defending that those people shouldn\u2019t have acted against the state. \u201cIf Erdogan says so, then there must be something he knows\u201d. This was how people interpreted. Like I said before, there was one monster but actually there were many supporters who were supporting everything he did. All of this happened because of those people.<\/span><\/p>\n

It is very hard to forgive these people, make my children like them and call it \u201cmy home country\u201d again. Even, I will have difficulty restoring these. What is \u201chomeland\u201d? What is \u201cmy nation\u201d?. Both for me and my kids, where will our homeland be? This is what I am debating now. One thing I am sure of is that here, in the U.S. the freedom and the value given to one\u2019s dignity are so precious. I am not sure if the people are even aware of this blessing. If they were, they would take the immigrants in the country without keeping them on hold.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think this is all I want to say.<\/span><\/p>\n

Turkish Transcription:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Back to list of interviews<\/a><\/p>\n

(1)<\/b><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Bu konu\u015fmay\u0131 sesli olarak kaydetmenize izin veriyorum.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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\u0130lk \u00f6nce \u00e7ok te\u015fekk\u00fcrler b\u00f6yle bir proje d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fcz i\u00e7in. Kimler d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc bilmiyorum. \u00c7ok k\u0131ymetli. \u00c7ok k\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre \u00f6nce ya\u015fanan bu kadar s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131dan sonra insanlar hikayelerinin kaybolup gidece\u011fini, kimsenin kendisini duymayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 o kadar yo\u011fun hissettiler ki T\u00fcrkiye’de \u015fimdi hemen \u00fczerinden belki bir sene ge\u00e7meden birilerinin bana bunu sormas\u0131, ne ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131, orada ne ya\u015fand\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, insanlar\u0131n neler ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 sormas\u0131 \u00e7ok \u00e7ok k\u0131ymetli. \u0130lk \u00f6nce ona te\u015fekk\u00fcr ederek ba\u015flamak isterim.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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\u015eu anki ruh halimden bahsedeyim. Bizzat bug\u00fcne dair de\u011fil de, Amerika’ya Temmuz\u2019da geldik biz. Bir \u00fcniversiteden kabul ald\u0131 e\u015fim. Sosyoloji doktoram vard\u0131 Amerika’dan zaten. Burada \u015fu an postdoc yap\u0131yorum. Hep b\u00f6yle bir su\u00e7luluk ilk g\u00fcnden beri. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc biz gelebildik, insanlar gelemediler. O kadar \u00e7ok insan gelemedi ki.. Gelebilmek bile insana su\u00e7luluk hissettiriyor. Burada g\u00fclmek, e\u011flenmek, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131za sar\u0131lmak, onlarla mutlu olmak.. Bug\u00fcn parka gittim. Onlar\u0131 e\u011flendirmek.. Bunlar su\u00e7luluk hissettiriyor, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00e7o\u011fu insan\u0131n bu \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011f\u00fc ya\u015fayamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 biliyorum. Sadece i\u00e7eride hapiste olanlar de\u011fil bir de d\u0131\u015far\u0131da hep \u201cBize bir \u015fey olacak m\u0131, bize bir \u015fey yap\u0131lacak m\u0131?\u201d korkusuyla ya\u015fayan insanlar\u0131n da ne hissettiklerini biliyorum. Bir senedir onu ya\u015fad\u0131m orada.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Tabi o bask\u0131ya s\u00fcrekli maruz kal\u0131nca haliyle s\u00fcrekli y\u0131pran\u0131yor, s\u00f6ylemiyorsunuz. Belki s\u00fcrekli bir uyan\u0131k, \u201cSurvival mod\u201d diyorlar burada, olma durumunuz var. Bu duruma maruz kalan insanlar ne \u00f6\u011frenebiliyorlar? Normalde bunun literat\u00fcrde de yeri vard\u0131r. \u201cSurvival mod\u201d da ya\u015fayan \u00e7ocuklar \u00f6\u011frenemez mesela. Ben hapisteki arkada\u015flar\u0131ma mektup yaz\u0131yordum. \u00c7ok ak\u0131ll\u0131 insanlar bunlar. \u0130ngilizce \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu orada. \u201cAkl\u0131m\u0131zda tutam\u0131yoruz.\u201d diyorlar. Tabii ki o korkunun getirdi\u011fi m\u00fcthi\u015f bir \u015fey var orada, bask\u0131 var. Burada hep bu akl\u0131m\u0131za geliyor: \u0130nsanlar. Yani \u201cOnlar\u0131n yan\u0131nda m\u0131 kalsayd\u0131k?\u201d, bu bile geldi akl\u0131m\u0131za. Genelde bu su\u00e7luluk duygusu geldi\u011fimiz ilk g\u00fcnden beri \u00e7ok bask\u0131n.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Bir de tabii ki \u00e7ok \u00f6fke var bu yap\u0131lan k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fcklere kar\u015f\u0131. Bu \u00f6fkeyi \u00e7ok yo\u011fun bir \u015fekilde ya\u015f\u0131yorum ben. Bunu da ne zaman atlatabilirim bilmiyorum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc hi\u00e7 bu kadar, bu boyutta bir \u015fey beklemiyorsunuz kendi insan\u0131n\u0131zdan. Ortada bir \u201cmonster\u201d var, bir canavar var k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckleri yapan. Bunlari biliyorsunuz. Bunlara olur diyen, bunlar\u0131n yap\u0131lmas\u0131n\u0131 sa\u011flayan bir lider var. Ama o sadece tek bir \u015fey belki birka\u00e7 ki\u015fi. Yani kocaman bir \u00fclke, bir halk, vatan\u0131m dedi\u011fin toprak, millet, insanlar \u201cokeylediler\u201d her \u015feyi. Mazur g\u00f6rd\u00fcler, g\u00fcce tapt\u0131lar. Yani kar\u015f\u0131daki insan ne dediyse sorgulamadan, bizzat akrabalar\u0131na, kom\u015fular\u0131na, tan\u0131d\u0131klar\u0131 insanlara yap\u0131lan bu kadar k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fc \u201cokeylediler\u201d. Tabii ki bu bende m\u00fcthi\u015f bir \u00f6fke yaratt\u0131.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Bu haks\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa kar\u015f\u0131 bir \u00f6fke, ben de genel olarak vard\u0131. Ba\u015fka insanlara k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck yap\u0131lmas\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131 duyarl\u0131 oldu\u011fumu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm. Ama burada hay\u0131r diyorsunuz, bu kadar\u0131 olmaz. \u0130nsanlar biliyor bu insanlar\u0131n su\u00e7lu olmad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131. \u00c7ok iyi insanlar olduklar\u0131n\u0131 biliyorlar. Ama insanlar \u201cVatan i\u00e7in bunlar olmas\u0131 gerekiyordu, bunlar da \u00e7ekecekler\u201d. Bizzat duydu\u011fum i\u00e7in bunu ifade ettim; biliyorum \u00e7ok iyi bir insan oldu\u011funu. Bu s\u00fcre\u00e7 onlar i\u00e7in \u201cvatan kurtarma s\u00fcreci\u201d gibi, insanlar da onlar\u0131n g\u00f6z\u00fcnde kurban, ve kurban olmalar\u0131 gerekiyorsa sorun yok.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Genel olarak bunlar s\u00fcrekli akl\u0131ma gelenler. Bir de o \u201cvatans\u0131zl\u0131k\u201d duygusunu \u00e7ok ya\u015f\u0131yorum burada. \u201cBundan ne kastediyorsun?\u201d diye sorarsan\u0131z \u015f\u00f6yle bir \u015fey: 10 sene burada ya\u015fad\u0131m, master, doktoram\u0131 yapt\u0131m, Amerika’y\u0131 \u00e7ok sevdim. Burada insanlar \u00e7ok g\u00fczel. \u0130nsanlara kendini onurlu hissettiren, insanlara sayg\u0131 duyan buradaki ortam\u0131 \u00e7ok sevdim. Ama benim i\u00e7in benim \u00fclkem T\u00fcrkiye idi. Insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hissediyordum. Oradaki k\u00fclt\u00fcr\u00fc, orada neler yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 insanlara gururla anlat\u0131yordum. Yani \u201cBen T\u00fcrk’\u00fcm, ben m\u00fcsl\u00fcman\u0131m\u201d ve bunu onlarla payla\u015f\u0131yordum. \u201cCooking class\u201d lar yapt\u0131k, \u201cbook club\u201d lar yapt\u0131k. Her ortamda T\u00fcrk yemeklerinden, bize ait olan \u015feylerden, \u00e7ok gururla bahsettim.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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\u015eimdi b\u00f6yle gemileri yakarak gelince \u015fey gibi hissediyorsunuz. Orada gemiler yand\u0131; \u201cBuran\u0131n ne kadar bir par\u00e7as\u0131y\u0131m, ne kadar bir par\u00e7as\u0131 olabilece\u011fim\u201d bilmiyorsunuz. Buray\u0131 \u00e7ok seviyorum. Ait olmama hissi de\u011fil de, diyorsunuz ki \u201cO k\u00fclt\u00fcrel ba\u011f\u201d farkl\u0131 bir \u015fey. Ortada olma duygusu var. K\u00fclt\u00fcre de ait olmama duygusu. \u015eu g\u00fcnlerde onu ya\u015f\u0131yorum. Ondan da otesi, tabii ki vatan b\u00f6yle bir yer de\u011fil, vatan insana kendini huzurlu hissettirir. B\u00f6yle yata\u011f\u0131na yatt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda \u201cSabahleyin yedide kalkabilecek<\/span> miyim, alacaklar m\u0131?\u201d diye hissetti\u011finiz bir yer de\u011fildir. Buras\u0131 insana insan onurunu hissettiriyor. Vatan benim mal\u0131m\u0131n, m\u00fclk\u00fcm\u00fcn, can\u0131m\u0131n, \u00e7ocu\u011fumun, \u0131rz\u0131m\u0131n, namusumun \u201csafe\u201d (g\u00fcvenli) oldu\u011fu yerdir. T\u00fcrkiye \u00f6yle bir yer de\u011fildi.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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T\u00fcrkiye\u2019de ben her g\u00fcn \u015funu hissettim. Orada ben \u00e7ocuklar\u0131mla ayr\u0131l\u0131rsam, herhalde 3 g\u00fcn dayanabilirim buna. Ba\u015fka bir cezaya gerek yoktu benim i\u00e7in. \u0130nsanlara bunu ya\u015fatt\u0131lar, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131yla ayr\u0131lma korkusunu ya\u015fatt\u0131lar. S\u00fcrekli korktu insanlar. Ayr\u0131lanlar, ayr\u0131lmayanlar… Ama s\u00fcrekli o korkuyla ya\u015fad\u0131lar. Ve bunlar da T\u00fcrkiye’nin e\u011fitim g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f, insanlara iyilik yapm\u0131\u015f, ak\u015fam 8\u2019lere kadar \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 ile ilgilenmi\u015f, onlara g\u00fczel \u015feyler \u00f6\u011fretmi\u015f insanlar. Ben karde\u015fimden biliyorum, \u00f6\u011fretmendi. Haftan\u0131n 6 g\u00fcn\u00fc ve 3 \u00e7ocu\u011fu var onun.. Haftan\u0131n 6 g\u00fcn\u00fc 8 lere kadar \u00e7ocuklarla ilgilenirlerdi. Onlar, di\u011ferleri gibi T\u00fcrkiye’deki devlet okullar\u0131nda \u00f6\u011fretmenlik yapmad\u0131lar. \u00c7ok fedak\u00e2rca, \u00e7ok severek, \u00e7ocuklarla ilgilenerek yapt\u0131lar. \u00c7ok iyi insanlar, ama i\u015fte evet bunlar\u0131 bu vatan dedi\u011fimiz topraklar bize o korkuyu ya\u015fatt\u0131. En basic (temel) ihtiya\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131z kar\u015f\u0131lanmad\u0131. Safety (G\u00fcvenlik) gidince art\u0131k hi\u00e7bir \u015feyin k\u0131ymeti kalm\u0131yor. <Duraksiyor..>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Sonra tabi bunlarla alakal\u0131 akl\u0131ma gelenler oluyor da, \u00e7ok da\u011f\u0131tmak istemiyorum. 2014\u2019te e\u015fimle beraber Amerika’dan T\u00fcrkiye’ye d\u00f6nd\u00fck. D\u00f6nmemizin sebebi de art\u0131k ikimizin de ayn\u0131 \u00fcniversitede \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmas\u0131, ayn\u0131 okulda i\u015f bulmas\u0131 zor olacakt\u0131. T\u00fcrkiye’ye gidelim, g\u00fczel bir \u00fcniversitede, \u0130ngilizce e\u011fitim veren bir \u00fcniversitede beraber \u00e7al\u0131\u015fal\u0131m. Hem ailelerimizden de hasta olanlar vard\u0131, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 \u00e7ok \u00f6zl\u00fcyorlard\u0131. Art\u0131k ailelerimiz ile beraber olal\u0131m. \u00c7ok uzun s\u00fcre ayr\u0131 kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Bu ama\u00e7larla gittik, ve T\u00fcrkiye’nin ilk Sosyal Bilimler \u00dcniversitesi X \u00dcniversitesi’ne gittik. X \u00dcniversitesi \u00e7ok g\u00fczel bir \u00fcniversite idi, ve \u00e7ok g\u00fczel \u015fartlarda \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k, \u00e7ok k\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre de olsa. Y\u00fczde elliye yak\u0131n yabanc\u0131 \u00f6\u011frenci vard\u0131 ve T\u00fcrkiye’de nadir yap\u0131lan %100 \u0130ngilizce e\u011fitim vard\u0131. \u00d6\u011frenciler \u00e7ok iyiydi ve hocalar \u00e7ok iyiydi. Yani her d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceden, \u00e7ok farkl\u0131 bir yelpazeden hoca \u00e7e\u015fidi vard\u0131 X\u2019de. Bu \u00e7ok g\u00fczeldi bizim i\u00e7in. Benim solcu hoca arkada\u015flar\u0131m vard\u0131, daha inan\u00e7l\u0131 hoca arkada\u015flar\u0131m vard\u0131, yabanc\u0131 hoca arkada\u015flar vard\u0131. B\u00f6yle g\u00fczel bir ortam vard\u0131. Bana daha sonra AKP’li arkada\u015flar\u0131mdan s\u00f6yleyenler oldu, lise arkada\u015flar\u0131mdan \u201cNeden \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorsun orada?\u201d \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc benim okulun rekt\u00f6r\u00fc de\u011fil de, okulun sahibi medya kurulu\u015flar\u0131na da sahipti ayn\u0131 zamanda. Ve \u015fu anki h\u00fck\u00fcmet ile kendi muhalif yay\u0131nlar\u0131ndan dolay\u0131 ters d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. Bundan dolay\u0131 tabi AKP\u2019lilerin ho\u015flanmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir kurumdu X ve X Medya.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Ben hep \u00e7ok iyi bir okul oldu\u011fundan bahsediyordum. Her zaman stres vard\u0131, bask\u0131 vard\u0131 okulun \u00fczerinde, fakat okul tefti\u015flerden hep \u00e7ok iyi \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in biz okulun kapanaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmedik. Yani \u201cA\u015f\u0131r\u0131 bir \u015fey olur mu?\u201d diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fck, en fazla bir \u015fey olursa i\u015fimizi kaybederiz diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fck ikimiz de. Veya di\u011fer arkada\u015flar da ayn\u0131 \u015fekilde \u201cT\u00fcrkiye’de ba\u015fka bir \u00fcniversitede i\u015f buluruz.\u201d diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fck.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Tabii o gece \u00e7ok korkun\u00e7 bir geceydi. Benim k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir o\u011flum var. O s\u0131ra konu\u015fam\u0131yor ve \u00e7ok tedirgin bir \u00e7ocuktur normalde. S\u00fcrekli g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6steriyor, bana i\u015faret ediyor. Evde uyuyam\u0131yor ak\u015fam. En son o u\u00e7ak seslerinden \u00e7ok rahats\u0131z olmu\u015f demek ki. Al\u00e7aktan u\u00e7tuklar\u0131 i\u00e7in b\u00f6yle sabaha kadar m\u00fcthi\u015f bir sava\u015f hali gibi sanki bomba direkt evimizin tepesine d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor ve \u201c\u00d6leceksiniz\u201d onu hissediyorsunuz her sesi duydu\u011funuzda. \u00c7ocuklarla koridordayd\u0131k. Sabaha kadar art\u0131k diyorsunuz \u201cAllah’\u0131m bitsin bu yani nas\u0131l biterse bitsin, sadece bitsin.\u201d Bir \u015fey olacak hissediyorsunuz yani her an. Hepimiz \u00e7ok korktuk. Ben o s\u0131ra akrabalar\u0131m\u0131 da arad\u0131m, arkada\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 da arad\u0131m, Ankara’da olduklar\u0131n\u0131 bildiklerimi. Tabii akrabalar\u0131m sa\u011folsunlar, daha sonra hi\u00e7 kimse \u201cYa\u015f\u0131yor musunuz, \u00f6ld\u00fcn\u00fcz m\u00fc, siz i\u015finizi kaybettiniz, ne yapt\u0131n\u0131z \u00e7oluk \u00e7ocuk?\u201d diye hi\u00e7 kimse aray\u0131p sormad\u0131, ve bunlar bizi normalde \u00e7ok seven insanlar. Ve ben darbe gecesi bile nas\u0131l olduklar\u0131n\u0131 merak edip hepsini arad\u0131m. Bu surecin\u00a0 belki insani yaralayan k\u0131s\u0131mlar\u0131ndan bir tanesi bu. \u0130nsanlar\u0131n, normalde iyi diye g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fcz insanlar\u0131n, nas\u0131l bu kadar k\u00f6t\u00fcle\u015ftiklerini, vicdans\u0131zla\u015ft\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131, insanl\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 kaybettiklerini… Bunu g\u00f6rmek birebir tabii \u00e7ok yaral\u0131yor.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Darbeden sonra biz devam ettik okula, aynen devam ettik. Hepimiz \u00e7ok korkmu\u015ftuk tabii. Hem \u00f6\u011frenciler, hem hocalar \u00e7ok korkmu\u015ftu. Ve solcu arkada\u015flar\u0131m vard\u0131 benim. ODT\u00dc’deki kendi hoca arkada\u015flar\u0131 onlara \u201cPantolon giyip gidin.\u201d \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc etrafta bu \u00f6zellikle AKP’li gruplar mobilize olmu\u015flard\u0131. Okullar\u0131 yak\u0131yorlard\u0131, etrafa ta\u015fla topla sald\u0131r\u0131lar vard\u0131. Dinci bir sald\u0131r\u0131dan korkmu\u015ftu insanlar. Bunu g\u00f6rmek, bunu duymak da \u00e7ok ilgin\u00e7 oldu bizim i\u00e7in. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc hayat\u0131n boyunca, insanlar\u0131n inan\u00e7 \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne kar\u015f\u0131 bask\u0131lar\u0131, neler ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 duyuyorsunuz ya da ya\u015f\u0131yorsunuz. Bizatihi onlar\u0131 anlat\u0131yorsunuz. \u201cOnlar, T\u00fcrkiye’de ba\u015f\u00f6rt\u00fcs\u00fc s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131s\u0131 \u00e7ekti.\u201d diyorsunuz. Ama o d\u00f6nemde insanlar\u0131n \u00f6zellikle AKP\u2019li olmayanlar\u0131n, ona muhalif kesimin dindar insanlardan ne kadar korktu\u011funu g\u00f6rd\u00fcm.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Parka gittim o s\u0131ra \u00e7ocu\u011fumu oynatmak i\u00e7in o ak\u015fam. Alevi bir kad\u0131n oturdu yan\u0131ma, \u00e7ok tedirgindi. Zaten ben tabi normalde \u00e7ok konu\u015fan bir insan\u0131m, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerimi \u00e7ok saklayam\u0131yorum. Ben biraz bahsettim nas\u0131l korktu\u011fumdan. Kad\u0131n \u201cO g\u00fcn e\u015fim arad\u0131. \u00c7ocuklar\u0131 topla hemen eve git.\u201d dedi. \u201cBunlar, ilk bir \u015fey oldu\u011funda bize sald\u0131r\u0131rlar. Sak\u0131n etrafta g\u00f6r\u00fcnme, kimseyle de konu\u015fma.\u201d Bunu duyunca \u015funu fark ettim. Yani T\u00fcrkiye’de insanlar ya\u015fam\u0131\u015flar, birbirimizin ne ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmeden, ne bask\u0131lar, ne zul\u00fcmler g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc bilmeden, \u00f6yle birbirimizle yan yana ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f\u0131z. Ama ac\u0131mam\u0131\u015f\u0131z, ya da d\u00f6n\u00fcp bakmam\u0131\u015f\u0131z. Sormam\u0131\u015f\u0131z \u201cSen neden ayr\u0131 duruyorsun? Sen ne ya\u015fad\u0131n? Sana ne ya\u015fatt\u0131lar? Senin annene babana, senin dedelerine neler ya\u015fatt\u0131lar?\u201d Bunlar\u0131 belki sormak gerekiyor.<\/span><\/p>\n

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\u00d6yle bir hafta daha okulda \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131ktan sonra okulu kapatt\u0131lar. Darbeden sonra e\u015fimle beraber okula gittik. Sadece okulun yan\u0131ndan ge\u00e7mek istedik. Zaten \u00e7ok severek \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bir bina idi. Elimizden gelse haftan\u0131n yedi g\u00fcn\u00fcn\u00fc ge\u00e7irece\u011fimiz bir yerdi, b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00e7al\u0131\u015fanlar \u00f6yleydi. Herkes \u00e7ok seviyordu okulu. Orada kamp\u00fcs\u00fcn ba\u015f\u0131nda yabanc\u0131 \u00f6\u011frencileri g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. B\u00fct\u00fcn \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 yurttan atm\u0131\u015flar. Okulu kapatt\u0131klar\u0131 g\u00fcn hepsini bavulsuz vesaire.. Yani binaya girmesini istemiyorlar. Ben arabadan inemiyorum korkudan. Yard\u0131m etmem laz\u0131m, \u00f6\u011frencilerim orada. E\u015fim ayn\u0131 \u015fekilde, uzaktan bak\u0131yoruz. O \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n g\u00f6zlerindeki korkuyu, tela\u015f\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum, anlam verememeyi g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum. Anne-babalar\u0131 yok. Ve bunlar o kadar ak\u0131ll\u0131 \u00e7ocuklar ki, \u00f6yle Marks\u2019\u0131 vesaire orijinalinden okumu\u015f \u00e7ocuklar. Kendi \u00fclkelerindeki se\u00e7kin okullarda okuyup gelmi\u015f \u00e7ocuklar. Onlara onu ya\u015fatmak ayr\u0131ca beni k\u00f6t\u00fc hissettirdi. Burada bizim bir hocam\u0131z vard\u0131 eskilerden. Onun \u00e7ocuklarla nas\u0131l ilgilendi\u011fini, b\u00f6yle bir anne gibi \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 nas\u0131l toparlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Uzaktan izliyorum, inemiyorum. O \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n tela\u015f\u0131, o sahne \u00e7ok \u00fczd\u00fc beni, arabayla geri \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k biz oradan..<\/span><\/p>\n

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Sonradan ne yapt\u0131k? \u00c7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131z okula gidiyordu tabii. X \u00dcniversitesi Ankara’dayd\u0131. Biz oradan i\u015fimizi kaybedince ailemizin yan\u0131na d\u00f6nelim dedik. O da o kadar ya\u015fanan \u015fey aras\u0131nda laf\u0131 bile edilmez ama insana a\u011f\u0131r gelen bir \u015fey. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc art\u0131k diyorsunuz ki belli bir ya\u015fa geldim, art\u0131k ailenize y\u00fck olmak istemiyorsunuz. Zaten biz ikimiz de, b\u00f6yle hi\u00e7 ailemize y\u00fck olmadan ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f insanlar\u0131z. Kimseden bir \u015fey istemeden ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f insanlar\u0131z. Bu da a\u011f\u0131r geldi o s\u00fcre\u00e7te bize. Sa\u011folsunlar destek oldular bize, onlar\u0131n evine yerle\u015ftik. Tabii k\u0131z\u0131ma bu s\u00fcrede hep \u015feyi anlatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. K\u0131z\u0131m 8 ya\u015f\u0131nda, o\u011flum bunlar\u0131 anlayacak ya\u015fta de\u011fildi.<\/span><\/p>\n

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K\u0131z\u0131m da \u00e7ok duyarl\u0131. X \u00dcniversitesi’ndeki i\u015fi neden b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. O da \u00e7ok seviyordu Ankara’y\u0131, arkada\u015flar\u0131n\u0131. Ba\u015fka i\u015fe bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 s\u00f6yledim. K\u00f6t\u00fc bir \u015feyler oldu\u011funu anlad\u0131, ama bize de \u00e7ok sormuyor. Biz hep \u015fey istedik \u201c\u00dclkesinden nefret etmesin \u00e7ocuk, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu kadar k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fc kald\u0131ramaz. Anlam veremez.\u201d S\u00fcrekli onu izole etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k olan bitenden. T\u00fcrkiye’de kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z s\u00fcre boyunca, haberlere maruz b\u0131rakmamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Bizzat ailemizden tutuklananlar oldu, ve onun \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fi amcalar\u0131 var, tan\u0131d\u0131klar\u0131 var, teyzesi var. Bunlar\u0131n hepsini \u201c\u0130yi insanlara ihtiya\u00e7lar\u0131 varm\u0131\u015f oralarda, bir s\u00fcre orada \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131racaklarm\u0131\u015f, onlarla beraber proje yazacaklarm\u0131\u015f.\u201d diye anlatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k ona. Tabii ben bunlardan k\u0131z\u0131m\u0131n ne kadar olumsuz etkilenece\u011fini \u00e7ok hesap edemedim orada.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Buraya geldikten sonra burada \u00f6\u011fretmeni toplant\u0131da bana \u201cHi\u00e7 T\u00fcrkiye’den bahsetmek istemiyor.\u201d dedi. Biz s\u00fcrekli ona T\u00fcrkiye ile alakal\u0131 sorular soruyoruz, o da \u201cBana T\u00fcrkiye’yi sormay\u0131n. Ben T\u00fcrk\u00e7e evde konu\u015fuyorum \u015fu an ama unutmak istiyorum. T\u00fcrkiye \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc bir yer. Orada iyi insanlar\u0131 hapse at\u0131yorlar.\u201d diyor. Normalde hi\u00e7 bu \u015fekilde konu\u015ftu\u011fumuz bir \u015fey de\u011fildi. \u015eu an onun da ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir s\u00fcre\u00e7 var T\u00fcrkiye’ye dair. \u015eu an ona, k\u00f6t\u00fc insanlar\u0131n oldu\u011funu, ama iyi insanlar\u0131n da oldu\u011funu, T\u00fcrkiye’nin asl\u0131nda k\u00f6t\u00fc bir yer olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anlatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. Tabii \u00e7ocuk o s\u00fcre\u00e7leri g\u00f6rd\u00fc, orada ben muhtemelen daha fazla \u00fczg\u00fcnd\u00fcm. \u00c7ocu\u011fumuza kar\u015f\u0131 ne kadar bir \u015fey belli etmemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsan\u0131z da, \u00e7ocuklar her \u015feyi anl\u0131yorlar.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Zona hastal\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcmde. Bir ara kocaman bir \u015fey \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131, a\u011fr\u0131 yap\u0131yor. Ben anlamad\u0131m. Daha \u00f6nceden ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir \u015fey de\u011fildi. Sonra doktora gittim, bir krem vermesini bekledim. Basit bir krem bekledim muayeneden sonra. Doktor \u201cZona olmu\u015fsun.\u201d dedi, yani v\u00fccudun de\u011fi\u015fik yerlerinde \u00e7\u0131kabiliyor tabii. Epey de bir kilo kaybettim san\u0131r\u0131m o d\u00f6nemde. Bunlar k\u0131z\u0131ma yans\u0131d\u0131. Ona yans\u0131tmamak i\u00e7in de u\u011fra\u015ft\u0131k, ama olan biten i\u015fte kuzenlerinin babalar\u0131n\u0131n al\u0131nmas\u0131. \u00c7ok seviyordu, onu da etkiledi o s\u0131ra T\u00fcrkiye’deki b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00e7ocuklar gibi. Ve sonra bir sene \u00f6yle ailemizin yan\u0131nda kald\u0131k. \u00dcniversitelere ba\u015fvurduk, enteresan bir \u015fey oldu. Beni T\u00fcrkiye’de bir \u00fcniversiteden \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131lar. Normalde olan bir \u015fey de\u011fil, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bizim X \u00dcniversitesi’nden mezun olan hi\u00e7bir arkada\u015f\u0131 kabul etmiyorlar \u00fcniversitelere s\u0131rf o kurumda \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131klar\u0131 i\u00e7in. Hizmetle alakal\u0131 herhangi bir kurumda \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015f olmam\u0131z zaten k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 bir bayrak gibi orada.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Muhtemelen daha insafl\u0131 bir \u00fcniversite rekt\u00f6r\u00fc idi. S\u0131navlar\u0131 ge\u00e7tim, gerekli birka\u00e7 s\u0131nav vard\u0131. Onlar\u0131 ge\u00e7tikten sonra beni g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmeye \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131. Ben art\u0131k benim ara\u015ft\u0131rmalar\u0131mla alakal\u0131 konu\u015faca\u011f\u0131z diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum, ya da okulda akademiye dair neler planlad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, benim akademik ge\u00e7mi\u015f ve gelece\u011fim ile alakal\u0131 konu\u015faca\u011f\u0131z diye bekliyorum. Bana direkt cv\u2019me bak\u0131p ilk sordu\u011fu \u201cBen \u015fimdi Y\u00d6K\u2019e ne diyece\u011fim? Sen bu \u00fcniversitede \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015fs\u0131n.\u201d Ben orada durakald\u0131m. Yani tabii \u015fimdiki akl\u0131m olsa derim \u201cBen T\u00fcrkiye’de ilk 100 e girdim. \u015eu \u015fu \u015fu \u00fcniversitelerde okudum, ve \u015fu yay\u0131nlar\u0131m var. Bana normalde sorman\u0131z gerekenler bunlar.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Tabii o kadar art\u0131k korku alt\u0131nda ya\u015fam\u0131\u015fs\u0131n\u0131z ki, insanlara ve \u00f6zellikle otoriteye direkt cevap vermek refleks haline geliyor. Zaten \u00e7ok minnet duyuyorsunuz beni \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rm\u0131\u015f buraya kadar. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc kimse \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rm\u0131yor. O kadar i\u015f ba\u015fvurusu yapt\u0131k, dil kurslar\u0131ndan bile kabul alam\u0131yorsunuz. Dil kursundaki adam bana diyor ki; \u201cZaten hocam \u015fu an hi\u00e7 kimse sizi kabul etmez, ancak \u00e7ok \u00e7ok d\u00fc\u015f\u00fck fiyatlarda haftan\u0131n 6 g\u00fcn\u00fc saat 10\u2019a kadar \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rsan\u0131z, sigorta vermeden bu \u015fekilde i\u015fleri alabiliyorsunuz.\u201d Dolay\u0131s\u0131yla \u00fcniversiteden \u00e7a\u011fr\u0131lmak b\u00fcy\u00fck bir \u015feydi benim i\u00e7in.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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En son okudu\u011fum liseyi sordu, karde\u015flerimin tek tek nerede \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 sordu, annemin ve babam\u0131n ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 sordu. Yani polis \u201cinterrogation\u201d (sorgu) diyorlar ya burada, onun gibiydi. Ben b\u00fct\u00fcn sorular\u0131na cevap verdim orada. Okudu\u011fum liseyi soyleyince bir tek ona sevindi. \u201cNe g\u00fczel?\u201d dedi. \u201cErdo\u011fan’\u0131n k\u0131zlar\u0131 da bu okula gittiler.\u201d diyor.. Adam mutlu oldu \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u201cBen bunu \u015fimdi Y\u00d6K\u2019e s\u00f6yleyebilirim\u201d dedi. Ve bana kendimi orada \u015fey gibi hissettirdi, \u201cSenin akademik ba\u015far\u0131lar\u0131n falan hi\u00e7 kimsenin umrunda de\u011fil. \u015eu an tek umursad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z seni temize \u00e7\u0131kartmak gerekiyor. Ve bunun i\u00e7in de elimizdekileri tek tek g\u00f6sterdik diyelim, elimizdeki tek kan\u0131t senin Erdo\u011fan’\u0131n k\u0131zlar\u0131n\u0131n okudu\u011fu okulda okumu\u015f olmak.\u201d Ben tabii \u00e7ok enteresan \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m oradan. Aramad\u0131lar daha sonradan zaten. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu i\u015fler \u00e7ok uzun s\u00fcr\u00fcyor, M\u0130T’ten temiz raporunun gelmesi gerekiyor, polisten temiz raporu gelmesi gerekiyor.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Karar vermi\u015ftim zaten \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmayacakt\u0131m orada. Yurtd\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kmak istiyordum, bunu da g\u00f6rd\u00fckten sonra. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu benim i\u00e7in \u015funun i\u015faretiydi; T\u00fcrkiye’de bana en iyi davranan ki\u015fi, okul, beni resmen polis sorgusuna al\u0131p, okudu\u011fum okullar\u0131 tek tek sorabiliyor ve bunun hi\u00e7, hi\u00e7 akademi ile ilgisi olmayan bir sorgulama yap\u0131yor. Yani benim burada art\u0131k akademik gelece\u011fim yok. Burada akademik dan\u0131\u015fmanl\u0131k da yapmak \u00e7ok zor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben s\u00f6zelciyim, s\u00f6zelde soru sormak, kritik etmek, de\u011ferlendirmek, politikten sosyal alandan bahsetmek \u00e7ok \u00f6nemli. Bu \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fck \u00e7ok \u00f6nemli. Ben bunu da burada hissedemeyece\u011fim hi\u00e7bir zaman. X \u00fcniversitesinde o vard\u0131. \u00c7ok g\u00fczel, \u00f6zg\u00fcr bir ortam vard\u0131.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Onu fark ettikten sonra, zaten e\u015fim de i\u015f bulamad\u0131. E\u015fim T\u00fcrkiye’nin en iyi okullar\u0131ndan birinden mezun, ilk y\u00fcze girmi\u015f bir insan. O da doktoras\u0131n\u0131 yapt\u0131. Ve bulabildi\u011fi tek i\u015f kendi abisinin okulunda ilkokul \u00e7ocuklar\u0131na ak\u0131l oyunlar\u0131 hocal\u0131\u011f\u0131 yapmakt\u0131. Ve yine sigortas\u0131 yok, zarftan \u00fccret al\u0131yordu. Baz\u0131 aylar al\u0131yordu, baz\u0131 aylar alm\u0131yordu. Bu \u015fekilde i\u015f bulabilmi\u015f. Tabii akademiye birka\u00e7 sene ara verdikten sonra art\u0131k \u00f6l\u00fcyor hevesin, hem sahadan kopmu\u015f oluyorsunuz. Zaten s\u00fcrekli hissetti\u011fimiz o g\u00fcvensizlik duygusu. Ak\u015fam yat\u0131yorsunuz \u201cSabah bir \u015fey olacak m\u0131?\u201d \u0130\u015fte bir sabah hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum, geceleyin biz uyuduktan sonra bir polis arabas\u0131 gelip kap\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde, tam bizim cam\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde durmu\u015f. Kay\u0131nvalidem dedi ki \u201c20 dakika sizin orada durdu. Sizin evinize gelecek diye kalp krizi ge\u00e7irecektim.\u201d dedi. Yani onlar da s\u00fcrekli tedirgindi. \u201cBiz gidelim art\u0131k.\u201d dedik. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ailelerimiz de korkuyor bizim i\u00e7in, biz de burada rahat de\u011filiz. Burada i\u015fe ba\u015fvurduk, e\u015fim bir \u00fcniversiteden kabul ald\u0131. Tabii onun vizeden kabul alma s\u00fcreci \u00e7ok s\u00fcrd\u00fc. Her g\u00fcn bekledik onu. O geldikten sonra da ba\u015fka bir \u00fclkeye ge\u00e7tik. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc vize geldikten sonra hemen Amerika’ya giremiyorsunuz, ama T\u00fcrkiye’de de kendimizi hi\u00e7 rahat hissetmiyorduk. Ba\u015fka bir yere gidelim dedik.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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O gidi\u015f \u015f\u00f6yle zordu, O s\u00fcre\u00e7te bir sene i\u00e7erisinde benim k\u0131z karde\u015fimi bir sabah gelip alm\u0131\u015flard\u0131. Ondan \u00f6nce de e\u015fini alm\u0131\u015flard\u0131 aylar \u00f6ncesinden. Karde\u015fimin e\u015fi de bir \u00f6zel \u015firkette \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor, ve birisinin ona ihbar etmesi ile giriyor. \u0130\u015fini kaybetti, ev sahibi evden \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131. Bunlar\u0131 ya\u015fam\u0131\u015fs\u0131n\u0131z orada ve biz \u00e7ocuklar\u0131na destek oluyorduk. \u00c7ocuklar\u0131 erkekti, e\u015fimi de \u00e7ok seviyordu. O \u00e7ocuklar \u00e7ok \u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fcler babam gitti, sen de gidiyorsun L. amca dediler, \u00e7ok yaln\u0131z kald\u0131lar orada.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra \u015feyi hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum, k\u0131z karde\u015fimi ald\u0131klar\u0131nda, \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr yani b\u0131rakt\u0131lar sonra da, gencecik bir kad\u0131n… 4 tane erkek polis, bilmiyorsunuz yani gidiyorsunuz orada elinizden hi\u00e7bir \u015fey gelmiyor. Yani bir \u015fey s\u00f6yleseniz, daha k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck yaparlar diye korkuyorsunuz, memlekette OHAL var. K\u0131z karde\u015fime bu 4 erkek polis ne yap\u0131yor, niye bu arabada gidiyor? Bunlar\u0131 ya\u015famak ger\u00e7ekten anlat\u0131labilecek \u015feyler de\u011fil. Elimizden bir \u015fey gelmiyor, ama gelse gidip par\u00e7alamak istiyorsunuz. Normalde kanuni de de\u011fil, muhakkak kad\u0131n polis olmas\u0131 gerekiyor.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Oyle.. En son art\u0131k havaalan\u0131na gittik. Tabi havaalan\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0131kabilecek miyiz \u00e7\u0131kamayacak m\u0131y\u0131z bilmiyoruz. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir s\u00fcr\u00fc arkada\u015f\u0131m\u0131z oraya gitti\u011finde pasaportu elinden al\u0131nd\u0131. \u0130nsanlar\u0131n hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemelerine gerek yok. Sebep bildirmelerine gerek yok OHAL oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in. Direkt zayi yaz\u0131yorlar pasaportlar\u0131na, g\u00f6ndermiyorlar. Zaten daha \u00f6nceden de e\u015fimin pasaportu bitmi\u015fti. Onu yenilemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131 T\u00fcrkiye’deyken. \u201cBu pasaportu hi\u00e7 kimse T\u00fcrkiye’de yenilemez.\u201d dediler. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc X \u00fcniversitesinde \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015fs\u0131n. Sebep de \u015fu anda verilen listelerde g\u00f6r\u00fcnm\u00fcyorsun, ama yar\u0131n g\u00f6r\u00fcnmeyecek misin bilmiyoruz. Dolay\u0131s\u0131yla biz ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 a\u011fr\u0131tamay\u0131z.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Esim 3-4 yer dola\u015ft\u0131 b\u00f6yle. T\u00fcrkiye’de de\u011fi\u015fik pasaport ofislerine gitti. En sonunda bir tane kad\u0131n sa\u011f olsun, o pasaportunu yeniledi yani. Ancak o \u015fekilde zaten \u00e7\u0131kabildik havaalan\u0131nda. Direk Amerika’ya gelmek s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 olur diye, \u00f6nce Bosna\u2019ya gittik. Tabi o zamana kadar hep bir tedirginlik var. Yan\u0131m\u0131za o kadar az e\u015fya ald\u0131k ki, \u00e7ocuklara da bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemedik. \u00c7ocu\u011fu okuldan ald\u0131k, beklemedik karne zaman\u0131n\u0131. Gezmeye gidiyoruz \u015feklinde. S\u00fcrekli tedirginsiniz. Orada ailelerimize bile \u201cGelmeyin.\u201d dedik. Art\u0131k \u201cHani, bir daha g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015febilir miyiz?\u201d bilmiyoruz. Orada onlar a\u011flarlar, dikkat \u00e7eker. Bunlar d\u00f6nmemek \u00fczere gidiyorlar \u015feklinde bir \u015fey olur diye. Bunlar\u0131 da duyduk, \u201cGelmesinler\u201d dedik. E\u015fimin ailesi geldi tabii \u201cE\u011fer bir \u015fey olursa \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 biz al\u0131r\u0131z.\u201d diye. Sonra \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k oradan.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Bosna u\u00e7a\u011f\u0131na bindik, orada da enteresan \u015f\u00f6yle bir \u015fey oldu. Ben bu s\u00fcre\u00e7lerde \u00e7ok y\u0131prand\u0131m, \u00e7ok \u00f6fkeliydim. Hep dua ediyorum, ama insanlara da \u00f6fkeliyim. Hep konu\u015fuyordum, ama e\u015fim hi\u00e7 \u015fikayet etmedi, yani hep \u00e7ok tevekk\u00fcll\u00fcyd\u00fc. Yani normalde de zaten \u201cBa\u015f\u0131m\u0131za bir deprem geldi diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn.\u201d \u015feklinde yakla\u015f\u0131yordu. \u0130nsan her \u015feyini kaybedebilir. Normal tabii. Arkada\u015flar\u0131na olanlara \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcyordu, ama daha kolay idare ediyordu her \u015feyi. Bosna u\u00e7a\u011f\u0131na bindikten sonra inene kadar a\u011flad\u0131, yani h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131ra h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131ra a\u011flad\u0131. Benimle de konu\u015fmad\u0131 o s\u0131rada. Bir tek \u015fey dedi\u011fini hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum: \u201cBiz bu insanlara ne yapt\u0131k. Y\u0131llar\u0131n\u0131 ba\u015fka \u00fclkede ge\u00e7irmi\u015fsin, \u00fclkene geliyorsun. Kimseye k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn yok, ama seni b\u00f6yle \u00fclkesinden ka\u00e7ar \u015fekilde… Sen \u00e7\u0131kmak istemedi\u011fin halde, bir nevi zorla \u00e7\u0131kmak zorunda kalmak…\u201d Zordu.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Bosna’daki ilk gece de bamba\u015fkayd\u0131. 2016’dan sonra biz ilk defa ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 yast\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131za koyduk, \u201c\u00c7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr.\u201d dedik. Yani o rahat rahat uyumak ba\u015fka bir \u015fey, kelimeyle ifade edilebilecek bir \u015fey de\u011fil.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Bosna’da bir ay kald\u0131k. Orada T\u00fcrkiye’den gelen insanlar g\u00f6rd\u00fck. Tabii herkesin dram\u0131, hikayesi ayr\u0131 farkl\u0131. Bilmiyorum, hayat\u0131mda bu kadar zorluk hikayesini bir daha bir arada duyabilir miyim? Birisi vard\u0131 \u00e7ocu\u011fu \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc, gidemedi cenazesine.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00c7ok acayip \u015feylerdi yani. Sanki ba\u015fka bir gezegende ya\u015f\u0131yorsunuz art\u0131k. Ya da \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015fs\u00fcn\u00fcz, cehennem… Bir de cehennemin katmanlar\u0131 var. T\u00fcrkiye’de bir katmaniydi. Bosna’y\u0131 biliyorsunuz, insanlar\u0131n ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 biliyorsunuz. B\u00f6yle Cehennem hala devam ediyor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc orda da insanlar korkuyorlar. T\u00fcrkiye’deki insanlar\u0131n durumu devam etti\u011fi i\u00e7in, siz kendinizi \u201cMutluyum, \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr, ya\u015fas\u0131n.\u201d diye de hissedemiyorsunuz.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

T\u00fcrklere kar\u015f\u0131 \u00e7ok ciddi korku olu\u015ftu hepimizde. Bosna’ya indik. Bir tane T\u00fcrk yan\u0131ma geldi. Benim cocuklarla T\u00fcrk\u00e7e konu\u015ftu\u011fumu g\u00f6r\u00fcnce, bir \u015fey sordu. Hepimiz gerildik birden. O kadar g\u00fcvenimizi kaybetmi\u015fiz ki insanlara. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc insanlar\u0131 kom\u015fular\u0131, akrabalar\u0131, arkada\u015flar\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcst\u00fc b\u0131rakt\u0131lar, onlar\u0131 \u015fikayet ettiler.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Hi\u00e7 yoktan yere T\u00fcrk’ten korktum yani. Bosna’da kimseyle konu\u015fmuyorduk. \u0130nsanlar da bizimle. Tabii ayn\u0131 durumlarda gelmi\u015fler. Buradaki insanlar da \u00e7ok \u00e7ekinerek s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorlard\u0131 bize. Herkes birbirinden korkuyordu. \u0130lgin\u00e7ti ger\u00e7ekten.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra, bir \u015fekilde Amerika’ya gelmemiz laz\u0131m. Tabii en kolay yolu T\u00fcrkiye. Ama T\u00fcrkiye’den gelmek istemiyoruz. Zaten oradan uzakla\u015fmak i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f\u0131z. Nas\u0131l gidebiliriz? \u201cS\u0131rbistan’dan gidebilirsiniz.\u201d dediler. Belgrat da yak\u0131n de\u011fil, 6 saatlik yol. Ama bu \u00e7ok enteresan benim i\u00e7in. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc yani y\u0131llarca S\u0131rplar\u0131n Bo\u015fnaklara yapt\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 okumu\u015fsun, duymu\u015fsun, \u00fcz\u00fclm\u00fc\u015fs\u00fcn, ve \u015fimdi b\u00f6yle S\u0131rplarla birebir muhatap olmak \u00e7ok ilgin\u00e7 bir tecr\u00fcbeydi. Bir S\u0131rp \u015fof\u00f6r\u00fc \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131k, gelip bizi Bosna’dan ald\u0131. 6 saat s\u00fcrerek geldi, 6 saatte oraya gidiyoruz.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Normalde vize’ye ihtiyac\u0131m\u0131z vard\u0131 bizim. Vizesiz ge\u00e7emiyorsunuz, bu yolu deniyoruz. Oradaki S\u0131rp adama da hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemiyoruz. O korku, tedirginlik… Herkese kar\u015f\u0131 tedirginlik, her yerde vard\u0131 zaten. Adam dedi ki \u201cKorkmay\u0131n, ben b\u00f6yle \u00e7ok insan biliyorum. \u00c7ok korkun\u00e7 \u015feyler yap\u0131yorlar insanlara orada. \u00d6zellikle e\u011fitimli insanlara.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Erdo\u011fan’\u0131n yapt\u0131klar\u0131ndan bahsetti. Biraz rahatlad\u0131k orada. Gittik, tam S\u0131rbistan’a girdi\u011fimizde bizim i\u00e7in oradaki biriyle S\u0131rp\u00e7a konu\u015ftu. Bizim i\u00e7in vizeyi verdiler, sa\u011f olsun onun sayesinde. Bize yard\u0131m etmi\u015f oldu. O sayede havaalan\u0131na gidip, oradan da New York\u2019a geldik. \u0130lgin\u00e7 bir deneyim oldu bize.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Art\u0131k tamamen yani \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011fe ula\u015ft\u0131k diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyoruz. Tam gelmek istedi\u011fimiz yer buras\u0131. Bosna bile yeterince g\u00fcvenli de\u011fildi, buralar\u0131 a\u015f\u0131p geliyorsun. O an havaalan\u0131nda, taksici direkt yan\u0131m\u0131za geldi hemen. E\u015fyalar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ta\u015f\u0131mak istedi. Asl\u0131nda yak\u0131n mesafe bir otele gidece\u011fiz biz.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Tamam dedik. Arabaya bindik. Uber taksilerden. E\u015fim takside \u015feyi g\u00f6r\u00fcyor, onlar\u0131n bir makinesi var orada \u201cmultiplier\u201d a bast\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcyor. Yani 3 ki\u015fi gibi ise 6 ki\u015fi gibi g\u00f6steriyor bagajlar mesela 3 ise 5 g\u00f6steriyor. Art\u0131k hangi d\u00fc\u011fme ise dolay\u0131s\u0131yla bizim 5 millik yolu normalde 30 35 dolar tutacak yere 90 dolar dedi bize. Orada direkt e\u015fim \u201cDurdur arabay\u0131.\u201d dedi.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSen m\u00fcsl\u00fcmans\u0131n de\u011fil mi?\u201d dedi. Adam da m\u00fcsl\u00fcmanm\u0131\u015f ger\u00e7ekten. Normalde b\u00f6yle esmer falan de\u011fil. Filistinliymi\u015f ama enteresan art\u0131k ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131zdan dolay\u0131, m\u00fcsl\u00fcmanlara kar\u015f\u0131 \u201cSen m\u00fcsl\u00fcmans\u0131n de\u011fil mi?\u201d dedi. \u201cSiz nas\u0131l insanlars\u0131n\u0131z? Ben nereden geldim biliyor musun? Senin gibi insanlardan ka\u00e7mak i\u00e7in S\u0131rbistan’dan geldim.\u201d dedi. \u201cS\u0131rbistan’dan geldim\u201d dedi b\u00f6yle yani \u00fc\u00e7 kere, be\u015f kere. Herhalde bir kriz ge\u00e7iriyor. \u201cSiz niye b\u00f6ylesiniz? dedi. \u201cSizin Allah\u2019\u0131n\u0131z yok mu? Sizin M\u00fcsl\u00fcmanl\u0131ktan anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z bu mu?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Orada \u00f6yle bir \u015fey ya\u015fad\u0131k ve bir \u015feyi fark ettim. T\u00fcrklerin, M\u00fcsl\u00fcmanlar\u0131n genel olarak \u0130slam’\u0131 nas\u0131l temsil etti\u011fi ile alakal\u0131 ciddi bir sorgulama ya\u015f\u0131yorsunuz. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u015f\u00f6yle bir d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce vard\u0131 bende \u201cDindar insan\u0131 seversin, sevmezsin ba\u015fka, ama g\u00fcvenirsin.\u201d Yani \u201cNamaz k\u0131lan insana \u00e7ocu\u011fumu b\u0131rak\u0131r\u0131m, mal\u0131m\u0131 m\u00fclk\u00fcm\u00fc b\u0131rak\u0131r\u0131m, bir g\u00fcven verir sana. Allah’tan korkuyorsa vicdanl\u0131d\u0131r.\u201d derdim. Ama tamamen bu yok oldu i\u015fte. Senin mal\u0131na, m\u00fclk\u00fcne, hayat\u0131na kast eden insanlar, M\u00fcsl\u00fcman insanlar ve dindar oldu\u011funu iddia eden insanlar. Olanlar bizim de\u011ferleri epey sorgulatt\u0131. M\u00fcsl\u00fcmanlara dair de \u00e7ok ciddi bir g\u00fcvensizlik, \u00e7ok ciddi bir g\u00fcven kayb\u0131 ya\u015fatt\u0131..<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ondan sonra, biz buraday\u0131z, insanlar orada. Elimizden geldi\u011fi kadar amac\u0131m\u0131z oydu zaten. Yani yapabilece\u011fimiz kadar maddi yard\u0131m edelim. \u0130nsanlar\u0131n durumu \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc, madden \u00e7ok zor durumda kald\u0131 insanlar. Ben de hep istiyordum bu hikayeler yok olmas\u0131n. Birka\u00e7 nesli etkileyebilecek \u015feyler ya\u015f\u0131yor insanlar, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131yla, anne babalar\u0131yla, hayatlar\u0131yla, arkada\u015flar\u0131yla, her \u015feyleri ile imtihan oldular. Bir daha hi\u00e7 y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6rmek istemedi\u011fin insanlar var. Dolay\u0131s\u0131yla bunlar\u0131n yok olmamas\u0131, yaz\u0131lmas\u0131 laz\u0131m. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00e7ok sistematik bir \u015fey, yani b\u00f6yle istisnai vakalar de\u011fil. Bir g\u00fcnde insanlar\u0131, bu kadar insan\u0131 ter\u00f6rist ilan edip, bu kadar k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fc yap\u0131p, bunlara g\u00f6z yumuldu, bunlara okey denildi.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Bunlar\u0131 hep yazmak istiyordum. Dolay\u0131s\u0131yla b\u00f6yle bir \u015feyler konu\u015faca\u011f\u0131m hi\u00e7 akl\u0131ma gelmemi\u015fti ama yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z \u015fey \u00e7ok, \u00e7ok k\u0131ymetli. \u00c7ok sa\u011folun. Benim \u015fimdi bahsetmek istedi\u011fim ba\u015fka bir \u015fey var: Amerika’daki hocalar\u0131m, Amerika’daki arkada\u015flar\u0131m, \u00f6zellikle Yahudiler, ben hi\u00e7bir \u015fey anlatmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m halde bana \u201cBen e\u015fimle konu\u015ftum, evimin \u00fcst kat\u0131nda kal, finansal olarak yard\u0131m edelim.\u201d dediler. Bunlar \u00e7ok g\u00fczeldi. Yani arkada\u015flar\u0131n\u0131z dostlar\u0131n\u0131zla o \u015fekilde bir ayr\u0131\u015fma ya\u015f\u0131yorsunuz, arayan soran sa\u011f olsun. Sizi merak eden insanlar var. Bir de eskiden \u201carkada\u015f\u0131m\u201d dedi\u011finiz halde \u015fimdi \u201cYapmasayd\u0131n, \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmasayd\u0131n orada.\u201d diyenler. S\u0131rf orada \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z i\u00e7in \u201cHer \u015feyi hak ettiniz.\u201d diyen insanlar var, bunlar oldu.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Hat\u0131rlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m ba\u015fka bir enteresan olay da \u015fu: Darbeden sonra herkes polislerin direkt evine gelece\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc. Biz de bu insanlar gelince bizi su\u00e7lu g\u00f6sterecek bir \u015fey olmas\u0131n evde tedirginli\u011fi. Zaten su\u00e7lu g\u00f6sterilecek hi\u00e7bir \u015feyimiz yok, kitaplar var sadece. Ama enteresan bir \u015fey oldu. Kay\u0131nvalidemler geldi ki, onlar dindar insanlar da de\u011filler, ama \u00e7ok sayg\u0131l\u0131lar Kur’an’a. Orada Ali \u00dcnal’\u0131n bir Kur’an meali vard\u0131, onu yakal\u0131m dediler. \u00c7ok korktular ama kay\u0131nvalidem tabii k\u0131yamad\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6pe atam\u0131yorsunuz, ondan da korkuyorsunuz. \u0130nsanlar \u00e7\u00f6pten birbirlerine \u015fikayet ediyorlar: \u201c\u00c7\u00f6pe \u015fu kitab\u0131 atm\u0131\u015f.\u201d diyor. Ali \u00dcnal’\u0131n kitab\u0131n\u0131 suya bas\u0131p, yakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc normal yakamad\u0131k. Boyle E5\u2019ten giderken kenarda o kadar \u00e7ok Kur’an, o kadar \u00e7ok dua kitab\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm ki insanlar atm\u0131\u015flar b\u00f6yle. Arabalar ile giderken. \u00c7\u00f6pten korkuyorlar, kendi \u00e7\u00f6plerinden. \u00c7ok korkun\u00e7tu ger\u00e7ekten yani. \u00d6yle\u2026\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

San\u0131r\u0131m epey bir \u015feyden bahsettim ben. \u015eunun \u0131srarla alt\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7izmek istiyorum. Burada ben kendi ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131mdan kendi g\u00f6z\u00fcmle, kendi hislerimle, hissettiklerimden bahsettim. Benim ger\u00e7ekten ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m, insanlar\u0131n ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131n yan\u0131nda hi\u00e7bir \u015fey de\u011fil. Beni zaten as\u0131l \u00fczen i\u015fimi kaybetmek, vesaire de\u011fil. E\u015fimle bir araday\u0131z, \u00e7ocuklarlay\u0131z. Bu o kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck bir nimetti ki.. Her g\u00fcn \u015f\u00fckrettik buna orada. Ve tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z d\u00fcnya iyisi insanlar, bir sene hapiste kald\u0131lar, 15 ay kalan, 10 ay kalan.. Tan\u0131mad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bizzat haberlerden duydu\u011fumuz… Tabii \u201cHaberler\u201d deyince T\u00fcrkiye’deki haberlerde hi\u00e7bir \u015fey duyman\u0131z m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sosyal medyadan -o da risk alarak- takip ediyorsunuz. Oran\u0131n da takip edilme olas\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u00e7ok fazla. Kendi hesaplar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 tamamen sildik. Sadece orada bir \u015fekilde baz\u0131 hesaplara girip, haberleri \u00f6\u011frenmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorsunuz. Yani verilmeyen haberleri.. Yurt d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda burada bu kadar korkun\u00e7 \u015feyler yap\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, T\u00fcrkiye’de neler oldu\u011funu anlatan insanlar var. Onlardan duyuyorsunuz olan biteni. \u0130ntihar edenler, i\u015fkencede \u00f6lenler. Bunlar\u0131 hep tabii sosyal medyadan \u00f6\u011frendik biz. O bir \u00f6\u011fretmen vard\u0131, i\u015fte G\u00f6khan hocan\u0131n \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcnde \u00e7ok \u00fcz\u00fclm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

O s\u0131ra \u015feyi anlad\u0131m. Ben dedim ki bu art\u0131k zulme d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc, bunlar\u0131n ac\u0131mas\u0131 yok. Bunlar insanl\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 kaybettiler. Bunu bir de \u015funu fark ettim ben: Bu kadar korkun\u00e7 \u015feyler olurken AKP\u2019li akrabalar\u0131m, tan\u0131d\u0131klar\u0131m, lise arkada\u015flar\u0131m vard\u0131. \u0130nsanlarla konu\u015fuyorum, \u201cBak\u0131n\u201d diyorum, \u201cBu kadar\u0131 fazla de\u011fil mi?\u201d diyorum. \u201cBu kadar k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck yap\u0131l\u0131r m\u0131 insanlara?\u201d Bu insanlar, yani bizzat tan\u0131d\u0131klar\u0131 insanlar da var, ne yapm\u0131\u015f olabilir? \u201cYok diyor \u00e7ok iyi bir insan o. Demek ki devlete kar\u015f\u0131 bir su\u00e7 i\u015fledi o, Erdo\u011fan \u00f6yle dedi\u011fine g\u00f6re bildi\u011fi vard\u0131r.\u201d Bu \u015fekilde bakt\u0131lar, bu \u015fekilde yorumlad\u0131lar. Yani o \u015fey noktas\u0131 -ba\u015fta da bahsetmi\u015ftim- Canavar bir tane, ama ona destek olan, onun her yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 onaylayan insanlar y\u00fcz\u00fcnden oldu bunlar.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ve insanlar\u0131 affetmem \u00e7ok zor. \u00c7ocu\u011fuma o insanlar\u0131 sevdirmem de zor. Vatan\u0131m\u0131z, milletimiz demem de zor. Ben de bunlar\u0131 tekrar nas\u0131l toparlayaca\u011f\u0131m? Vatan nedir, millet nedir, hem kendi i\u00e7imde hem kendi \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m i\u00e7in. Onlar\u0131n vatan\u0131 neresi olacak? Tabi \u015fimdi bunlar\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Ama bir \u015fey biliyorum. \u015eu memleket, \u015fu ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z memleketteki bu \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fck, insan onuruna verilen de\u011fer, o kadar k\u0131ymetli ki, buradaki insanlar\u0131n kendileri bile bunlar\u0131 bu kadar biliyorlar m\u0131 bilmiyorum. \u015eimdi burada da g\u00f6\u00e7menlerle alakal\u0131 tart\u0131\u015fmalar var. \u015eunu s\u00f6ylemek isterdim: Gelen insan i\u00e7in buran\u0131n nas\u0131l bir nimet oldu\u011funu bilseler, b\u00f6yle ak\u0131n ak\u0131n gelen o kadar insan\u0131 vizede bekletmeden hemen al\u0131rlard\u0131 ger\u00e7ekten. \u00d6yle..<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

San\u0131r\u0131m benim s\u00f6yleyeceklerim bu kadar. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n
Copyrighted to Undaunted Voices of Turkey<\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
After pursuing her academic career in the US, the only thing she wanted was to go back to her home country and carry her knowledge to young brains. She was happy to be an academic at one of the most prestigious colleges in Turkey and feeling fulfilled by serving her country in the way she […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6241,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7],"tags":[15,11,19,20],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/317"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6241"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=317"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/317\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":338,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/317\/revisions\/338"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=317"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=317"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/storiesofwomen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=317"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}