My Buddhist Experience
On this day January 7 of the New Year I thought to myself, “Anna you should start practicing meditation. You have developed a whole blog regarding Buddhism and spreading its practices. You must, to use the cache—practice what you preach. Thus starting tonight I will begin meditation. I am thinking of cataloging my first month of meditation practice and sharing my journey in this blog to show how it, hopefully, helps. I think this will be an especially important time due to the nature of the upcoming term and the stress that comes with beginning another semester. I shall share the resources that I also find most helpful in this meditation practice.
January 7, 2021, 10pm: I used the Headspace app to listen to a 10 minute guided meditation
The first thing I noticed was how heavy my face felt. I let my tight jaw drop and my mouth open as I took breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth. My eyelids got really heavy like I was going to sleep. The guide for the meditation reminded me to focus on my breathing and count the number of breaths. I find it helpful to count to 10 and start over. Although, I barely make it to 10. Any time my thoughts stray from counting my breath (which is a lot), I start the count back at 1. I felt that I was in a safe space with the thoughts I had they were not relevant—simply clouds in the sky that is my mind. The thoughts moved along when I recentered my attention I acknowledged them and let them pass away. I found the meditation particularly telling of how tired I am. It is the only time of the day today I have been alone, sans phone, computer, TV, or my family member. So much of our day we spend simulated, we never take time to just consciously rest our brains and purposefully relax. I felt so empty once the meditation had finished. Not empty as if I was devoid of something, but empty of stress and the pressure that weighs me down. To once again use my cloud analogy I felt as free as I cloud, like my head was weightless on my body. Tomorrow, my goal is to focus more on my breath.
*A quick side note: I am curious as to see if meditation is helpful for those who have trouble falling asleep. Thankfully, I do not—I just stay awake due to the vice that is my phone.
January 8, 2021: 9pm: I used the Headspace app again and did another 10 minute meditation.
This meditation I thought was particularly helpful. The meditative guide talked about the importance of the long-term benefits of meditation. In that we might not see immediate change from meditation. I have started to apply the practices of breathing meditation, counting to 5 when an intrusive thought pops into my head, but as the guide noted it will be an ongoing process. The tactics that I am currently using to cope with anxious thoughts will not continue unless I am mindful and purposeful in my meditation. Yesterday I set out a goal to focus on my breathing more. Once again I focused on other things. But I am not upset with myself. I acknowledge that this will be a long process. I am happy with the fact that the thoughts that did pop into my head were positive. The one intrusive thought I had simply came and went as if entering and exiting a door. I did not analyze the thought, I simply let it go as soon as it came. I am very happy with this and hope that my continued practice of meditation will allow me to simply ignore the intrusive thoughts that pop up, especially when I am not meditating.
January 9, 2021: 10pm: I used the Headspace app and took a mini course on managing anger for 13 minutes
Before coming to my bed I thought to myself I am so tired I just want to go to sleep, I do not want to meditate tonight. But I told myself that I needed to complete my 30 day journey. The brief meditation only invigorated me with energy. I feel quite at peace with myself for the first time in a long time. I think this bout of meditation was the first time I ever had a brain devoid of thoughts for a few seconds. I simply sat in silence and felt incredibly calm and relaxed. I do not know if this is just a placebo effect kind of situation but I feel as if I am applying the techniques of meditation to my way of thinking. I have a horrible habit of overthinking almost everything and I found myself today having a much more laissez faire attitude. I suddenly desired to be much more carefree and let myself think that way. I thought less of what others thought of me and more about how I want to project myself. I analyzed my actions and patterns of behavior without judgement, just with insight into how I would like to behave in the future.
January 10, 2021: I used the headspace app for a brief 5 minute meditation
My meditation was shorter today because I came into feeling so distracted. I could not calm my mind no matter my breathing and felt utterly lost. However, I was not defeated. Although I couldn’t calm my mind I used the time to reflect and decompress. I calmed myself down and evaluated my thoughts and behaviors of the day. I acknowledged the stress I faced and a way to mitigate the stress the next time it pops up. I had let anger get the best of me. Once I am angry all my anger kind of pours out at once. But through my brief meditation I came to terms with my anger and moved past it. I apologized to my mom for venting and told her and myself that I am working on a continual process of letting go of my anger and stress that builds up. I am working on not letting stress and emotions get the better of me and so far meditation has helped me realize how to mitigate their effects.
January 11, 2021: I used the headspace app for a 10 minute meditation
I am slowly noticing my increased ability to focus and clear my mind. I do not know if I am not thinking but my brain seems to be empty. Of course this is only a few minutes of the meditation, my mind continues to wander but I feel I am slowly improving. I continue to reap the benefits of meditation throughout my day. I am becoming more comfortable with silence and just thinking to myself. I am gaining greater insight into my thoughts and emotions. Weirdly enough I am also making different choices. For instance, I can see a choice I made today for dinner. I wanted something unhealthy. But I reconsidered my options and felt it was best to eat a much healthier, more balanced meal. I guess I could say I am gaining not just greater insight and understanding of my mental health. But I would also say my physical health. I have always been much better at taking care of the latter; but as I improve my mental health I am seeing even greater strides in my physical health as well. I am very impressed by my ongoing changes and my work towards becoming healthier each day.
January 12, 2021, 10pm: I used the Headspace app for a 10 minute meditation with the topic centered on kindness
The meditative guide recited a short quote at the beginning of the meditation session. He put forth that one can only truly be kind to others if you are kind to yourself. Meditation has certainly helped me be kinder to myself. As I have mentioned before I am much more insightful and in touch with my emotions. I am beginning to have less intrusive thoughts. I see it like this, as I am taking care of myself my mind is rewarding me. I assume I will act the same way towards others, I just haven’t seen many people as I am home and following the guidelines. However, I do see how meditation feeds into the Buddhist ideal of kindness. Anger is an easier emotion to express than anger, by letting thoughts fester it is easy to simply let out one’s anger at others. But by taking care of one’s emotions and treating oneself with kindness not only can you help yourself but the value of hurting others is significantly diminished. I am reaping the benefits of being kind to myself, I see only benefits of treating others with the same regard. I will set out to treat others with patience and respect, rather than what many, including myself sometimes letting other people’s actions either bother us or lead us to untrue conclusions and assumptions.
January 13, 2021, 12pm: I used the Headspace app for an 11 minute meditation on focus
I did my meditation earlier today as I did so while walking in the park. I never noticed how quiet the world can be. Usually I’ll be walking with someone else or have a podcast playing. But I really enjoyed the silence. As I continue to meditate I am more comfortable with the silence—both the silence of my environment and in my mind. I am finding thoughts less pervasive and stay for a much shorter time. Even when I am not actively participating in meditation whenever an intrusive thought pops up I can focus my attention on breathing and take a deep breath and the thought goes away. It is important in Buddhist practice to appreciate the mundane and the everyday, and although I had been on that walk a million times the beauty of the moment was not lost on me. I experienced peace and tranquillity that I never had before.
Jan 14: 11 minute meditation via Headspace
The meditation of today centered around the topic of focus. I found this of particular relevance due to the fact I felt so distracted during the fall semester. I constantly found myself distracted whether it be during classes or even clubs. Zoom could not keep my attention no matter what I was doing. The meditation leader began asking what is your motivation to focus. I thought this was a great question to direct my attention to. My motivation is to actually get the benefit of my classes. Not only is BU an expensive school but I am getting a world-class education and I find TikTok more interesting. I think I will continue to practice meditation, not just in the evenings, but take a few moments before class to clear my mind and remind myself to focus.
January 15, 2021, 9am, I used the Headspace app for an 11 minute meditation on focus:
Once again, the reason for my early meditation practice is because I went on a walk. As I noted before I am getting more comfortable with the silence. I walk with my dog, but alone, so there is no one to talk to. Before I started meditating my mind would be filled with anxious thoughts and worries, but those thoughts have significantly lessened. I am in a much better mindset that allows me to deal with these thoughts and acknowledge them and push them away with a simple breathing exercise. I don’t need constant stimulation from another person or from my phone to distract me, I can clear my mind myself.
January 16, 2021, 10pm I used the Headspace app for an 11 minute meditation on focus:
I think I am finally getting the hang of focusing on the present moment by way of focusing on my breath. Once I began my meditation, my mind started raising with the emails I had to respond to and putting events into my calendar. But I told myself “Anna that will all be there when you are done, this time is for you, use it”. So I did. I successfully meditated, and almost fell asleep in the process and responded to emails after I was done. It is so fascinating to me how close I get to falling asleep. I think I just became so relaxed. Thoughts are not flying around and their is no external noise besides my breath. I do not fall asleep due to boredom; instead, I think it is due to the peace I have found with myself in that moment.
January 17, 2021 9am: I used the Headspace app for an 11 minute meditation on focus
Once again, I walked outside while meditating. I feel that I can focus more on my breath while I am in the park. The visual stimulation seems to keep my mind more at ease and less apt to wander. I have also found that I concentrate more when I breath loudly. Hearing my breath going in and out allows me to focus on it, more so than if I was breathing normally. This meditation was particularly helpful as I can see that I am slowly making progress. At the end of the walk when the meditation was over I realized how beautiful the sky is. I looked up and examined the different hues of blue and the clouds slowly moving. I am becoming more immersed in the present moment.
January 18, 2021, 9pm: I did a mostly silent meditation today
After my conversation with Gina I thought it best to heed her advice. She recommended meditating and focusing on a small, seemingly insignificant part of the body. I focused on my heel, pinky finger and nose. I found it so much easier to focus on these parts of the body than on my breath. I even noticed the sensation of each of these parts. Whenever I chose a body part to focus on I could feel tingling to some sort like I was achieving awareness of what my body normally feels like. Usually we ignore or just don’t notice the sensations our bodies constantly go through, we are much more focused on our mind. But part of Buddhism is to expand awareness beyond the self and that starts with realizing how much awareness we posses outside of just ou minds.
January 19, 2020
This entry will be slightly different. I decided not to write about my meditation practice; but rather how I have begun incorporating Buddhist practices into my daily life. My mom is moving away. With that move comes slight sadness that I will not ever be returning to my childhood home. But in the teachings of Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hahn there is nothing to focus on but the present. The Buddhist master teaches disassociation with our past and an emphasis on the present. I agree with this view, looking into the past and getting emotional will only bring suffering. There is nothing I can do to change my situation and moping about will only cause more despair. Thus, as silly as it sounds to be attached to a house as my mom moves away I am going to approach the process not by reminiscing about how she is leaving but being appreciative of the home we had and the home I have in Boston.
January 20, 2021:
I decided that today’s entry would be similar to yesterday’s. I am applying for a fellowship over the summer and I can only think of how much I want it. But with that comes the worry of getting my hopes up and not even getting an interview. Thus, once again I have found a Buddhist practice will help me cope. As the Buddha teaches the origin of suffering is desire. In this situation, I desire to obtain the fellowship—if I do the cycle of desire will only continue to perpetuate. If I do not get the fellowship my strong desire will turn into sadness and diatribes against myself. As hard as it will be I will approach this in a similar way to my mother moving away. I do not want to attach myself and only cause suffering. I will not try to fixate, in this case, on the future and the possibilities but focus on the present. Every day we have is a gift and instead of fixating on the future I can once again admire the beautiful gift that Mother Earth has given me. I think to cope with the heightened anxiety of the situation I may go outside and take a walk in silence to get in touch with the Earth and embrace the notion of interconnectedness to reject the sense of endless, individualistic desire.
January 21, 2021, 9pm: I completed an 11 minute meditation using the headspace app
I approached today’s meditation with a different goal. I had thought that meditation would eventually guarantee Enlightenment. However, after my talk with Anne today, I learned that the goal of Soto-Zen meditation is not to reach enlightenment. We already are capable of reaching Enlightenment and all have the Buddha nature within us. Thus, henceforth I want to focus my meditation on gaining deeper understanding and awareness of my body and mind. I found that to be true today—while meditating I often find myself systematizing and worrying about what I have to do. This is telling me that I need to get on top of the tasks that I have to complete or else my mind cannot fully rest and become empty while I meditate. It is and will continue to be an ongoing process of clearing my mind but I think recognizing what is causing the inability to completely clear my mind and resolve this problem will eventually allow me to sharpen my awareness.
January 22, 2021, 11pm: I used the Headspace app for an 11 minute meditation
I think I am going to start following David’s path of meditation. During our interview today he mentioned that he meditated first thing in the morning. He also mentioned that he tries to avoid getting on his phone and going on social media before meditating. I noticed that before my meditation as I was on my phone I was focused on what I was doing—texting, on Facebook, etc instead of focusing on my breath. Thus, I think that I may do the same thing of meditating first thing in the morning in order to combat a day’s worth of thoughts and tiredness from the day. Additionally, it is much easier to avoid being on social media and on my phone when it is in the morning. As much as I would like to avoid contact with my phone it is seemingly impossible at this point, at that is another battle I will have to face.
January 23, 2021, 9pm: I used the Headspace app for a 10 minute meditation
Today I finished a 10 day meditation course regarding focus. The point of this meditation was to find when our mind shifts from the present task and gets distracted. I find this to be a challenge while I am meditating and while I am focusing on something like reading for school or paying attention to a class. However, after completing the course I have found myself using the tools. The meditative guide mentioned whenever you find yourself off-task and your attention has shifted to gently remind yourself to get back to the task at hand. I have noticed I am starting to catch myself getting distracted and bringing myself back to the present moment. I was doing a tutoring session and I got distracted but quickly brought myself back using the tools of gently guiding myself and readjusting my focus.
January 24, 2021: I used the Headspace app for a semi-successful meditation
I have to be honest. Some days I can’t concentrate on meditation. The meditative guide that I use always reminds me that meditation is a skill that takes great practice and concentration. You cannot learn it in one day. Today was not a good day for me. No matter what I just couldn’t relax. I completed 7 minutes of meditation and then got so distracted that I had to stop. I am going to try again after finishing this post. But I thought it was important to emphasize that this is not an easy path. Clearing your mind of distractions and living in the present moment is a skill that very few people are attuned to. I see this taking several years to master. And this is very frustrating to me. I wish I could turn off my thoughts and become one with the environment around me. I am not used to having to practice tirelessly to advance at a skill. I see benefits in my non-meditative life but I am struggling to meditate and I am okay with that as long as I am trying.
January 25, 2021: A note on focus
I was pleasantly surprised with how much I focused during class today. And I know it is because of my Headspace mind training. I put my phone away and felt no desire to take it out and text my friends during class. I even re-centered myself when my focus shifted away. Later in the evening I did a 10 minute meditation and felt that it was particularly helpful after the first day of classes. Yet I am not feeling the burden yet, more a sense of isolation from the virus situation.
January 26, 2021: 11pm, Used the Headspace app for a quick meditation
I can’t tell you how helpful this meditation was. It’s the second day of school and I feel incredibly overwhelmed. But I got in bed to do meditation and I just breathed. I think I was so tired at this point there were no thoughts to go in my bed. I felt exhausted going into the meditation but I feel so much better now. I have a new sense of energy and even creativity it feels like. I even did a small breathing exercise in class. I was feeling overwhelmed and told myself “focus on the present moment and take a few deep breaths” and thus refocused.
January 27, 10pm: I used the Headspace app for a 10 minute meditation
Once again I tried to focus this meditation on awareness. My goodness the brain is absolutely incredible. Somehow I can perceive the feeling in the heel of my foot is I just consciously focus on it. I find this the best way for me to meditate. I cannot just sit and clear my head. I am too easily distracted by whatever thought comes into my head—especially now with assignments piling up because of school. But turning my attention to a part of my body seems to trick my brain into thinking that it is doing something when I’m really just becoming more aware of my body and in touch with my sensations.
January 28, 8pm: I used the Headspace app for a 10 minute meditation
I absolutely loved the meditation I did tonight. It was centered around the theme of working from home and how to detach oneself from the work day. The meditative guide led us through a visualization of a ray of sunlight coming from above and warming our bodies. I really felt as if I was indeed in the present. I could feel myself just so relaxed, warm and cozy. It is so relaxing and that’s all I thought about—I am so relaxed and have so much fulfillment in this present moment. I believe a visualization is also what Dr. Phillips led me through in the fall; it seems to be the best way for me to clear my mind and I will have to do similar meditations to see if I get the same results.
January 29, 10pm: I used the Headspace app for a 10 minute meditation
I did the same meditation that I did yesterday. Although today it didn’t help as much. I think this is in part because I did not have a quiet space to meditate. My roommate was watching a movie and I couldn’t quiet my mind as such. I don’t know the best way to resolve this mini-dilemma. It is around 9 degrees outside, and I can’t go to a friend’s house. I also have noticed how much more difficult it is to meditate since school started. I worry about assignments and deadlines even though it is the first week of school. I think my meditation went so well yesterday because I did not have much homework. But if I don’t have homework I find myself bored and feeling useless as if I have wasted a day of productivity; but my mind deserves a break as well.
January 30, 8pm: I used the Headspace app for an unknown amount of time
The meditation worked so well for me that I fell asleep while listening to it. I guess the best time to meditate is before falling asleep because I certainly cleared my mind while listening to it. I did wake up in the middle of the night and did another meditation, although I don’t remember much of it. However, it usually takes a lot to get me to fall asleep. In that I always have to be listening to something; but the soothing tones of the meditation put me right to sleep. Ironically I was listening to the meditation that makes me feel so cozy, warm, and relaxed. This is by far the best meditation that I have listened to and has helped me tremendously.
January 31, 10pm: I used the Headspace app for my favorite meditation
This will be a more general note on my meditative practices and how they have affected me. I deal with intrusive thoughts a lot of the time. Of course these often come up while I am doing homework. However, today I conquered these, one could say. I used the Buddhist ideas of introspection and wisdom to analyze these thoughts and developed a program to resolve some of the actions caused by the thoughts. Now I don’t know if my new program will help at all. But if it involves my favorite meditation I am sure I will gain greater insight into my mind. It really is so incredible how much more in tune with myself that I have begun in the past month or so of my meditation. I am much more critical of myself, not in a bad way, perse. But I analyze my thoughts and behavior to become a better person.
February 1&2: I used the Headspace app
This post is combined due to a similar experience I had. I could not focus on the meditation whatsoever. My mind would not calm down and my body felt restless. I could not get comfortable no matter what I did. I was almost ready to just give up entirely since it felt like I was making no progress. Both of these days were extremely frustrating. I was so mad that my brain would not turn off and allow me to relax. I even did meditation when I was very sleepy. In the beginning it was great–my brain was quiet. But of course that quickly disappeared and I was filled with thoughts and started planning my schedule.
February 3, 11am: I used the Headspace app for a course on restlessness and then a guided meditation
I am much happier with my progress today. After the previous two days I sought an answer to my lack of ability to progress and my distraction. The restlessness course was very helpful. The guide offered the solution on focusing on what parts of your body are restless. Focusing on your mind is likely to distract you, as it did in my case. He also pointed out that we must give ourselves time in the first few minutes of meditation to let the thoughts flow out. I took this to heart when I did my meditation today. However, I feel significantly better. I finally got a relaxing meditation. I focused on my breath and how it seemed to fill me up and brought so much relaxation when I breathed in and out. I also think meditating before my classes start is beneficial. I am not consumed with the stress of the day and all the assignments I have to do. Instead, I am waiting for classes to start and the meditation was a good way to get my day off on the right track.
February 4 & 5 & 6: I used the Headspace app as a means to help me focus on the work I had to do
I found myself struggling to pay attention to the reading I needed to do for my homework. I was distracted and my mind kept wandering. So I thought I should apply the tools of meditation to clear my mind and focus. And it has worked wonders for me. I can clear my mind of the random thoughts that are distracting me and really focus on the reading that I need to do. Additionally, I get my reading and work done much faster due to the fact I do not have to read and reread due to my mind wandering and letting my focus drift off of the page.
February 7: This is not a post on meditation but a new resource I found
*This has been a month of applying various Buddhist practices to my life!
I am interested in deepening my Buddhist practice. So I sought to find the words of the Buddha himself and how he would want me to practice. I have found a document of daily devotionals of Buddhist teachings. I will henceforth try to read a devotional each day to truly understand the Buddhist practice. I am more interested in independent practice so far; but I could see myself looking for a sangha in the future. I even did so today but I felt awkward attending a Zoom meeting for meditation with people I do not know. I think I would rather cultivate a relationship with a Buddhist teacher who could enhance my practice and meditation. I am feeling that the Headspace app can only do so much and to truly commit I need an experienced teacher.