I see a therapist every other week. I adore this class because I absolutely devour anything and everything that has to do with crime and mental health. I have the kind of anxiety that is incredibly beneficial in preparing for a break-in, a house fire, and the seediest parking garage you\u2019ll ever be forced to navigate. I\u2019ve been on my own for almost half my life and like to think I know some things. Here\u2019s the thing, though \u2013 none of that prepares you for abuse you don\u2019t know is happening.<\/p>\n
Years ago, I got into and then out of a relationship that I considered to be one of the less enjoyable I\u2019ve had. The way I had acted and treated myself during that time stuck with me, and I felt incredibly weak and ashamed. I was so angry, and I couldn\u2019t stop being angry.<\/p>\n
It was only during a series of guest speakers a few weeks ago that I realized I had missed plenty of signs, and that I had been in an abusive relationship. I was blaming myself for someone else\u2019s actions, because I \u201cshould have known better.\u201d Because I was smarter than that. But it\u2019s not about intelligence \u2013 it can happen to anyone.<\/p>\n
Here are some things I wish I knew, some things I knew but thought didn\u2019t apply to me, and what self-care is and is not.<\/p>\n
A disclaimer: This is colloquial, and I use humor as a coping mechanism. It doesn\u2019t mean that I don\u2019t understand how serious this topic is; it\u2019s just my way of telling my story.<\/p>\n
Things I Wish I Knew<\/strong><\/p>\n Sounds obvious, right? Well, what if you haven\u2019t always had great friends? Or they just don\u2019t know him like you do? Or they did like him, but now they don\u2019t?<\/p>\n Yeah\u2026 they should still like him. My friends didn\u2019t, not after a while. I cared because it was inconvenient, but it didn\u2019t affect me day to day. Those social circles mixed seldom. Later, my friends told me they used to invite me to things last minute so that he couldn\u2019t \u201cweasel his way into coming.\u201d Direct quote.<\/p>\n But they did like him originally, so what happened? Well, they picked up on a red flag that I buried in the sand, pun intended (you\u2019ll see). Long story short, he emailed one of my friends and asked her to help him set up a proposal on the beach (see?!). When I said \u201cyes\u201d \u2013 not if, when \u2013 he would have all our friends and family and a justice of the peace emerge from the trees and say something along the lines of \u201cGreat! We can do it right now!\u201d He wanted to surprise marry <\/strong>me, not propose. My friends told me it sounded like he was trying to \u201ctrap me.\u201d I chocked it up to him being overly caffeinated and overzealous.<\/p>\n This was his main argument when I couldn\u2019t find my way to seeing his side of things. It wasn\u2019t that he was wrong, or I was standing up for myself, or had lost patience with him. It was that I was cold and didn\u2019t care about his feelings. I just didn\u2019t feel things like I should, I block them out, and that\u2019s why I wasn\u2019t understanding him. Mind you, I have almost dehydrated myself watching Queer Eye<\/em>, so it isn\u2019t a lack of feeling. It was probably a moment of clarity, but I listened to him instead of myself. I thought that I was a cold, uncompromising girlfriend, and I needed to try harder. For him. For us.<\/p>\n Things I Knew but I Thought Didn\u2019t Apply to Me<\/strong><\/p>\n There are a few things I was always upfront about when starting a new relationship: I\u2019m not sure I want to get married, I don\u2019t want kids, and I will not stay in New England. He was agreeable to those terms at first, but as you already read, he had other plans. He just needed to convince me and then it would all fall into place.<\/p>\n He hated my job. He hated that it would take me away from New England eventually and that I wanted to go, so he would say things like \u201cWhat am I<\/strong> going to do if we move?\u201d or \u201cMy family is here \u2013 we <\/strong>can\u2019t leave my family.\u201d He would tell me I should pursue other fields or stay here until he gets a degree. He didn\u2019t have one and it would have taken years, but I could work on my masters in the meantime. Just put the job off for a little while.<\/p>\n Towards the end, he kept bringing up children. I had never budged on this. I did not want kids, and to be honest, the thought of raising children with him was terrifying. But he kept pushing, saying that I would be a good mother, and that he owed it to his family to have children, and he couldn\u2019t imagine it with anyone else. He would get angry and pick a fight when I wouldn\u2019t engage, so I would list names I liked occasionally to stave off the aggravation. And that\u2019s how I thought of him at that point \u2013 an aggravation. And I still didn\u2019t leave.<\/p>\n I never had any bruises and he never threatened to hurt me or himself. I had my own apartment, friends and family that did not like him, and financial independence. And I didn\u2019t leave.<\/p>\n We had some good times when we started dating, but it took a turn after about six months. We were apart and he was insecure, and I was starting to realize how much better I felt alone. But I stayed because of those first few months. I would get angry and we would fight, but then I would remember that I was just being cold. I hadn\u2019t always been cold, so maybe we could get back to that. I just had to try harder to see his side.<\/p>\n I broke up with him twice, but I let him come back for about a month each time. I finally broke up with him for good and we haven\u2019t spoken since, but I have struggled with the amount of time I wasted after that initial break-up. I gave him more of me even when I knew there was something off. I gave up time and happiness that I will never get back.<\/p>\n Self-Care is Not<\/strong><\/p>\n Self-care is leaving and healing, and maybe writing about the experience for a class about mental health, who knows\u2026<\/p>\n I have never worked harder than I did during this time in my life. I worked every weekend that summer, and when I finally needed some time off, I kept it a secret.<\/p>\n When I took a trip for work, I almost met an old boyfriend for drinks. I didn\u2019t, but my friends told me they wish I had. They were actively rooting for it.<\/p>\n ——————————–<\/p>\n In the spirit of fairness, and quite frankly because this is public, I feel the need to say that I don\u2019t believe my ex is a bad or malicious person. He is an insecure person, with a plethora of life experiences that have amplified that trait. I think we did care about one another at one time, but as it started to deteriorate, he grasped at anything that would keep us together. I hope we both look back on it and realize what it was.<\/p>\n So yes, there are cases far worse than mine. There are people who stay longer, suffer physical trauma to mirror the emotional, who never leave. But abuse doesn’t have a threshold. I was manipulated, coerced, and shamed. I blamed myself \u2013 a part of me still does. It set me back. But it counts, and I count, and hopefully by sharing this example, another person will realize sooner than I did.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I see a therapist every other week. I adore this class because I absolutely devour anything and everything that has to do with crime and mental health. I have the kind of anxiety that is incredibly beneficial in preparing for a break-in, a house fire, and the seediest parking garage you\u2019ll ever be forced to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17787,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1258"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/17787"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1258"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1258\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1259,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1258\/revisions\/1259"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1258"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1258"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.bu.edu\/daniellerousseau\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1258"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n
\n
\n
\n
\n